CandyKane

I just thought this summarized what I think very succinctly: "Love is not possessive. It does not try to keep you from other important relationships. A person who tries to restrict your freedom does not love despite what he or she might say. Sometimes a possessive person will say, “I am just this way because we are not yet committed,” or “because you are so beautiful.” The truth is that possessive people seldom become less so. Their hold will only increase as you permit it. Love is not jealous. A person who loves you will celebrate your strengths and successes. A person who loves also applauds you when others do. They work to enhance your popularity with others. Sometimes a jealous person will say, “I am jealous of you because I love you,” or “my jealousy shows I care.” Nonsense. People are jealous for many reasons and it is never a sign of love. " - from link removed

Thanks for all the opinions, guys. I know most of you believe one shouldn't be friends with an ex, but I'm going to have go against the majority and say that I'm still going to be friends with my ex. There is absolutely nothing sexual there and I think my boyfriend is slowly starting to understand that. In fact, he's realizing that his jealousy is something that has permeated all of his past relationships (regardless of whether his ex-girlfriends had exes around or not) and that it's more an issue of his own insecurity and his limiting beliefs about girl/guy relationships. If not dealt with now, he'll carry it on to the next relationship. Relationships are built on trust. I only see my ex about 3 times a months compared to the five days a week I spend with my boyfriend, and I rarely, if ever, spend time alone with my ex - we have many mutual friends and tend to hang out in large groups doing very active, athletic activities. Giving up the friendship with my ex and not spending time with him means not spending time with a group of people I've been close to for the last 12 years of my life. I am very devoted and loving with my boyfriend, and when we talk about it, he KNOWS he is the most important person in my life. It's just a gut reaction that is triggered under certain situations. Thanks so much for the few responses who were a little more open-minded about the situation. We're going for counselling to help figure out what his triggers are and he's going alone as well to work on his own issues. I wanted to say, however, that when you love someone, you don't just break up because there's a difference of opinion about something. Maybe you do if you don't really care about the other person or you're too stubborn to look inside yourself and see what you can do to help make things better. Often, there is a compromise that can be reached, and each person does have to take responsibility for their role in the relationship. I'm NOT responsible for managing jealousy that's unwarranted. I AM responsible for making him feel loved and important and making him my number one priority. I'm also responsible for making sure I'm trustworthy, which I am. My boyfriend and I are well on our way to making this work after a lot of discussions and hearing each other out. And for the record, I have had boyfriends in the past who were friends were their exes. I made a point to get to know them because they were important to my boyfriend at the time, and although we never became very good friends, it wasn't an issue worth ending the relationship over.

Wow, I have to say I'm surprised by all of the negative responses. I've been on vacation and came back to see all this. Considering F. (my ex) and I have been broken up for so long, and that the friendship is certainly platonic, and that I've been upfront about it and tried to include my boyfriend when we hang out, I really didn't think I was doing anything wrong. F. and I are just friends. We stayed friends because we have so many mutual friends in common, and we agreed a long time ago that it would be a huge loss to create rifts amongst our very close-knit group of friends. F. and I broke up because we were more friends than anything else and lacked chemistry. I guess if I were in my boyfriend's situation, I wouldn't necessarily like it, but I would understand it, and because I feel quite confident and secure with who I am, I would trust that he loves me and believe him if he says they are just friends. In general, I tend to think that jealousy stems from one's own insecurities, and that it's something you have to deal with within yourself. Because in addition to him being jealous about F., he pretty much gets upset if I talk to any male he thinks would be attractive and interesting to me, regardless of whether they are my friends or some stranger who says hi to me. So does this mean that I'm not to have any male friends at all? It all seems a little insecure and needy to me. I spoke to a professional counsellor about this, and she thought that I was handling things in a mature manner. She said that to allow him to dictate who my friends are suggests that I'll allow him to control my actions in the future, and that it's best to stand my ground right now, considering it's still early in the relationship (five months). My friends are just that.. my friends. I've had other boyfriends since F. and they were able to deal with the situation quite well without all the negativity. I'm beginning to think his jealousy is the bigger dealbreaker. I can understand some insecurity and I'm willing to reassure him, but I'm not going to let someone tell me who I can and can't spend my time with.

I would love for the two of them to be friends but my boyfriend has such a knee-jerk reaction to my ex and has said that it probably won't ever happen. We've all been out together three times and it's been alright but my boyfriend has no desire to get to know him better.

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months now and things are going wonderfully. He has so many of the qualities that I'm looking for in a partner, we love each other very much, and we are both committed to being together for the long term. Our one major issue is my friendship with my ex, and my boyfriend's insecurity and jealousy over it. My ex and I were best friends for a couple of years before we went out. After going out for five years, we had no contact for 6 months and then started to rebuild our friendship. It's now been more than 4 years since we broke up, and we managed to become very close friends again. I really enjoy the friendship with my ex, it is strictly platonic, and I would even say that we are the best of friends again. There is no chance that anything will ever happen with us again. I love my boyfriend and know he's the right person for me. Every time I spend time with my ex, my boyfriend becomes very irritable and jealous and we end up arguing because he thinks it's abnormal for me to be such good friends with him. I've never experienced this before and it's quite draining. Worst of all, I now feel guilty for hanging out with my ex even though we're not doing anything wrong.... just watching a hockey game and having a bite to eat! I don't want to give up my friendship with my ex, but on the other hand, I want to respect my boyfriend's feelings and relieve the tension in our relationship. Am I being unreasonable and asking too much of my boyfriend to accept my friendship with my ex? I know he has some jealousy issues but should I give in to them or try to help him get over them?