Emontional Affair

[mom2be]

This is the first time I have joined a forum like this. I usually just speak with friends and families about my problems and go from there. But I guess you can say I have hit a wall and I am not sure what to do. My husband has been having an emotional affair with one od his co-workers. They both have deep feelings from one another. I am not sure if anything has happened sexually. He syas it hasn't but I don't believe him.

 

WE had this probleam a year ago when he hit a low and was unsure if he loved me. He said that he was confused about his feelings. I asked him if he loved some one else and he mentioned her name....He later re-tracted her name and contributed it to being depressed about his life and our realtionship. He went on meds and theray and had a realization that he loved me. HOWEVER, he never ended the relationship with her and continued to work in the same work enviroement.

 

In the last week he has subsequently hit a LOW!.....But he was pro-active and went back to the doctors got meds and is re-starting thearpy. I saw this as a postive step. He did something before he hit rock bottom. SO I was trying to help hime out any way I could. On Friday I found text messages from this supposed friend....." --- I love you" "Baby please don't do this" "I know and you still can" " I can't control him"....Unfortunately I was unable to see the text messages my husband sent to her.

 

I have confronted him on this and he says she is just a firend that supports him and that he cares baout her and that is it......It just does not make any sense to me.....this has happened twice to me. Yes we have our issues. But since she has been in the picture my relationship has been empty. He has admitted that she has said I love him more than once......I called her and confronted her. I am proud to say the I was clam and rationale (for now) and I asked her why she was texting my husband these things (he was not giving me answers that made sense)....She said it was over and she had moved on and that she was dating someone.....WHAT's OVER?????Apparently nothing had happened...I have no answers.

 

I love my husband...and given that this has happened to me twice...I know it is time to leave....BUT and there is always a BUT...is I am six months pregnant. I need to be strong for myself and thhis child...and can't have an emotional breakdown like I did last time.

 

I don't know what to do....my life is sprialing out of control.

[Beyondthesea]

Mom2be, I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you. It really is so difficult to grasp that it's time to walk, and you have said yourself it is.

 

What you really need right now is support. Do you live where your family/friends live? Is there someone you can turn to? Do you have the financial means to get out?

[avman]

Hello mom2be,

 

Well you are in quite the situation. And being pregnant certainly doesn't help matters that is for sure.

 

First off, I am concerned for your personal health as well as the baby. Stress can definitely affect the pregnancy so I think you should talk to your doctor about the situation you are in the middle of. It is important for your medical provider to be aware of the issues in your pregnancy so they can monitor you appropriately. Also I think you should get some counseling for yourself so that you have a support system during this time. Your number one priority right now must be yourself and the baby.

 

Next, while I usually don't recommend something like this, I would maybe put the relationship issue on the back burner until after the baby is born. I realize that will be impossible to do completely, but I don't think you should be calling the other woman, making any permanent decisions regarding your marriage, leaving, and so on. This will all cause too much stress for you right now.

 

Now after the baby is born, that is a different story. Then I really think you need to have a direct conversation with your husband and lay it on the line. He either dedicates himself to the marriage and doing what it takes to end this affair and all contact with the other woman - or you're out of there. IF he's willing to work on things, then you two will need a lot of help to get past this.

 

That is of course if you really want to try to save the marriage. Under the circumstances I wouldn't blame you if you just wanted a divorce. But do what you feel is best in your heart.

[yeawutever]

Sorru to hear what you are going through. At this point, he sure be on your side and supporting you, you are pregnant and yet he's not doing what he's suppost to. You may need to speak with your family about this or suggest you and him both seek couple counseling. If he's unwilling to accept any responsibilities for carrying on the emotional affair, then I don't see how the relation can work from there. In that case, there would need to be separation.

[robowarrior]

Well 6 months is very far into your pregnancy, who will take care of you if he leaves?

 

thereforeeee in and out of pure interest for the child you must stay with him, for how long? well in my opinion till the child is at least 3 years old so you can carry it around and file a divorce so you can move into a new appartment.

 

What you don't want to do is to take him back in your life, since he is the cause of all your misery in the first place, you see if you take him back you'll only give him the green light to walse over your feelings and cheat on you.

 

You deserve to be loved and a husband who is committed to you, if you settle or less you'll only allow people to make your life miserable, its up to you to say 'stop, to here and no further' and to climb out of this mess.

[Upsetwifeofone]

Mom2be, as I read your post it was like I was reading about myself......pregnant with a husband involved in an emotional affair (as I don't know whether they have met/slept together), EXACTLY where you are other than my husband didn't work with "her".

 

I called, text her, have been hunting the down every day since April. I've paid for private information and know exactly who she is now........now I'm seeking the strength to confront her.

 

Sweetheart, I'm staying with my hubby because I know he is remorseful, I see it in his eyes every day that I crumble and each counselling appointment I go to. PLEASE, don't end up like me, permanently hunting for information and reasons, think of that sweet child you are carrying, it is true, the stress affects the baby, it's what I try to remember every day as my daughter kicks inside me.

 

You will pull through hunnie, we both will xxxx

[mom2be]

Thank you for your post. It meant a great deal to me. You have provided me with some really valuable advice. And when it is all said and done I have to make myself the main priority. This weekend was awful. And I slowly saw the breakdown coming. The anxiety has come...and this time I can not let it take over me. My problem is that I always make excuses for my husband and I always worry about him.

 

You would never believe it, But I have a great job, great friends, great family, I am attractive and overall I have a lot going for me. My problem is I get so consumed with my realtionship and I always try to fix everything. I have made so may excuses for him. I have given him everything I have.

 

And to see that this is how I am treated in return is very devastating.

 

And I will be the first to admit that I am forgetting about this unborn child, already forgetting to take care of it....And That IS NOT A GOOD SIGN. I have to snap out of it and heal and fix myself for the future. This baby is innocent in all of this and I should remember to take care of me, because this little person is depending on me.

 

I am calling my physician today to meet with a counsellor and go through thearpy all over again. IF I let him walk all over me one more time, I will never respect myself.

 

Good thing is I made it in to work....and I am taking it one hour at a time....Right now I can't think in days. I have to take it slowly it is the only way I can survive.....I don't want to stay in this realtionship any longer...Thes sad thing is we planned this child together....we were at a good spot in our realtionship....but he stopped working.

 

Last year I was at fault for some of our problems...but I worked on myself and on us...this time I have no regrets. I just need the courage and strength to move on.

 

I have to remember that I love myslef and my life and that the future holds alot of great things for me and . Postive thoughts. I can't run away from the hurt...I just have to handle it in a healthy manner...I will keep you posted....AND THANKS FOR YOUR THOUGHTFUL RESPONSE. I really apperciated it.

 

The baby thanks you to ;-)

[Upsetwifeofone]

Last year I was at fault for some of our problems...but I worked on myself and on us...this time I have no regrets. I just need the courage and strength to move on.

 

Hunnie,please don't look to yourself at causing any fault. Generally, the betrayed spousewill look for blips that could have set this wheel in motion, and rarely is it a factor.

 

My husband said there was nothing I could have done different, he admits to stepping on the wrong path and as he said, the grass may look greener but you still got to mow it.

 

And I will be the first to admit that I am forgetting about this unborn child, already forgetting to take care of it....And That IS NOT A GOOD SIGN. I have to snap out of it and heal and fix myself for the future. This baby is innocent in all of this and I should remember to take care of me, because this little person is depending on me.

 

I found myself in the exact same boat, I actually resented her for a very short while, and I hate myself for that, we are blessed to be having this gorgeous baby but my over emotion was greater and I thought that I had made him look elsewhere because of her, then the truth was he had been speaking to th OW before we conceived. They are depending on us, but true enough we need to self heal in order to give them the best.

 

Good luck with counselling, I'm finding it a great help and have been able to approach my husband with my feelings.

 

God Bless you mom2be and your sweet baby-boo xxxxxx

[mom2be]

Well he has finally admitted that he has told his "friend" that he loved her. Apparently over coffee break..(the lies will never end)......I have asked him to move out and he has. I am so angry and hurt. This was going on for our entire marriage. I never had a chance. Even when things were good with us, she was still in the picture...so that is a big eye opener for me. Right now I just keep going because I have no choice, but I am so close to breaking down and losing it. I see a thearpist on Thursday. So I have to keep it together until then.

 

He was carrying this on even when we were trying to conceive this baby. I don't understand. And I think I will never understand...I will never understand. I want the truth, but every time I learn something new I crumble. HOW DO I STOP THE QUEST FOR THE TRUTH? and just move on with my life.

 

Deep down I think I always knew this was going on, I just did not have the strength to face it. Well now I have no choice.

 

I am scared and bewildered and I regret making this child. I am so ashamed for saying that. BUt I don't want to be tied to my husband any longer....and this will be a constant connection.....How do you survive this????? I love this unborn baby, but I hate my current situation.

[avman]

He moved out already? Wow that was fast.

 

Well mom2be I'm really sorry to hear that it has turned out this way. I had hoped your husband would come to his senses but apparently he has not.

 

I can understand you have apprehension about the baby now but it is not the child's fault. As time passes you will grow to love your baby and the circumstances surrounding the conception will not seem so important. What you are feeling is understandable as you are very hurt. Work with your therapist to overcome this. Things will be ok.

 

If you do get into a crisis before seeing your therapist, then do call 911 or your local emergency number and ask for help. There is nothing wrong with this. Your health and the baby's health are of utmost importance right now.

[Beyondthesea]

I am so sorry this happened.

 

Firstly, you will feel different in time with regards to your baby. He/she will be such an important part of YOUR life and you won't think of the baby as a connection to him...at least not in any important way.

 

Thursday is a bit away, but you are doing your best, so good for you. I would consider calling a crisis line in your situation and making sure you have lots of support right now.

 

You WILL be alright. Good for you for standing your ground and telling him to get out.

[fishrrshortae]

Mom2be -

 

I am sorry about your situation. I am much younger than you, but I was also pregnant when my SO was cheating on me, and had to deal with that and wondering how I was going to survive parenthood while always having to deal with him.

 

Truth be told, it hasn't been easy. But my son is the greatest joy I have ever had, and although his father and I don't always get along, he is there for our child and things have turned out well. Please realize that you have a lot going for you -- family, job, etc -- and you WILL pull through it. Kudos on respecting yourself. Do you know if you are having a boy or a girl..?

[wayne]

Deep down I think I always knew this was going on, I just did not have the strength to face it. Well now I have no choice.

 

I am scared and bewildered and I regret making this child. I am so ashamed for saying that. BUt I don't want to be tied to my husband any longer....and this will be a constant connection.....How do you survive this????? I love this unborn baby, but I hate my current situation.

 

There's no law that says you have to raise this baby. There's a long line of happy couples that have waited years for the chance to raise babies such as yours.

 

If you're feeling resentful toward the baby, can't let go of the circumstances under which it was created, and overwhelmed by the task of raising it alone, the baby might be better off if someone else raises it. Do you really have the strength to raise it well and love it the way it needs to be loved, on top of everything else that is going on with you?

[doyathink]

I want the truth, but every time I learn something new I crumble. HOW DO I STOP THE QUEST FOR THE TRUTH? and just move on with my life.

We want to know the truth and it seems to make us hurt worse but we deserve the truth and no more lies!

I found this interesting, apparently we're not the only one's searching to know why!

link removed

[Upsetwifeofone]

Thanks doyathink, I'm on that very quest and found that article extremely beneficial to how I feel at this very moment

[perry22]

To the betrayed pregnant wives, I feel sorry for you and hope that you stay strong and positive for the sake of the baby.

 

To a certain way I can understand the dilemma all of you are in because it messes up all the plans that have been made for the new arrival.

 

I said to a certain way because I am the reverse of all of you in that I am the husband of a pregnant wife (5 months), who is emotionally attached to an ex co-worker of hers. She has been communicating with him in the dark thinking that I was not aware but I have been aware of what has been going on. Due to her current physical state, I do not think boundaries have been crossed yet but we all know emotional is more lethal than the physical aspect.

 

To think that I pride myself as an adequate husband who has been supporting her in all aspects consistently - emotionally, physically, financially, and on the household chores etc, this is all very hard to swallow.

 

I contemplated ending it all but wonder about how she can cope on her own while waiting for the child to be born (she is not working at the moment). Everyday I am thinking about what I should do to clean up this mess. I even thought of telling her my intention to end this marriage, but will allow her to stay on at my place until the baby is born. But the thought of living like strangers under the same roof while bearing the child of both feels strange....

[Upsetwifeofone]

perry22, Oh hun, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

 

For me, before I found out about my husbands "interest" I never knew there was such a thing as an emotional affair and never considered it. Now I do, I personally think that emotional affairs are somewhat more damaging because a deeper relationship is formed between the two people, it's not just hit and run sex.

 

I can empathise wholly with how you feel, it's a difficult road ahead, and probably even more so as your wife is unaware that you even know. That's a whole lot of burden you're carrying.

 

Are you going to tell her that you know? Perhaps she will end it all if you are open with her. Couldn't you consider maybe working on things?

 

Oh hun, no-one deserves to be cheated on, emotionally or physically. I hope your decision is the one that brings you a comfortable recovery xx

[perry22]

Are you going to tell her that you know? Perhaps she will end it all if you are open with her. Couldn't you consider maybe working on things?

 

Oh hun, no-one deserves to be cheated on, emotionally or physically. I hope your decision is the one that brings you a comfortable recovery xx

 

Upsetwifeofone, thank you for your warm words. It is indeed a very tricky and testing time for me....

 

I wanted to tell her but I admit that I found out only after snooping on her stuff due to her sudden mood swings at times for no apparent reason. I have on many occasions provided an avenue for her to speak but with her character, she will never open up. I guessed I need to throw her with some concrete proof just to stop her being defensive.

 

I considered working on things, that's why I have forgiven her once (I mentioned in my other post) but seems like things are heading down the same path. The thing is that the way things are heading, it will be the second time and I am not sure there will not be a third time. I need to be convinced (which will not be easy) if I were to give the whole matter another go.

 

What's occupying my mind a lot now is if this whole thing were to end, what should I do to help with the delivery of the child (I know she will definitely be wanting to keep the baby)

[Upsetwifeofone]

perry22 You can't let her carry on thinking that you are totally in the dark hun!

 

Snooping is the way we find our answer's when they are not given to us. I snooped my husbands phone to discover his infidelity, then all his phone bills and diaries for any further information I could put as evidence. It's the hardest thing to admit to doing (and they do turn the tables and make you seem like the biggest betrayer for doing so) but you can't go on like this.

 

Forgiveness is the biggest emotion anyone has, I've forgiven my husband but he knows that if it happens again he will get shown the door, to be hurt twice must be something terrible and I know that again would literally kill everything in my soul.

 

You have to put yourself first, sweetie, you need to do what's right for you and your healing process. If you decide that leaving the relationship is what you need, then you can look to how you want things to go with involvement with your son/daughter/partner. For now, you have four months to look after yourself and that is most important for the relationship you will have with your child xx

[mom2be]

perry22

I AM SO SORRY that you have to go through this pain. It is awful to know that someone you love can do this to you. The one thing I have learned is that it is not your fault. YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! You need to take care of yourself and realize that you are important to this childs life. Dealing with the truth hurts. Trust me. I hear more and more of my husbands affair and I hurt all over again each time. The problem with him is that he is unable to com clean with everything, so everyday it is a new truth and a new hurt.

 

You need to talk to someone about this if you are not ready to confront your wife. Seek some counselling. I have been dealing with this for 2 weeks and I am still a mess. And some days are worse than others. I will update you on what is going on with me in a later post. But right now my concern is that you do not harm yourself. It won't solve anything. You are numb right now, but you have made an attempt to reach out for help. That's a positive step. Please let us know how you are doing!

 

Upsetwife- you have been great for both myslef and perry22. Keep up the positive attitude.

[doyathink]

Wow, what a rash of infidelity lately huh? Whats going on, did the sky turn red and I just haven't noticed yet? You may never know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth! I've been going for several years now still questioning events that have happened with my s/o! I'm sorry that may not be very comforting however, it happens so often.

 

He has never come clean with me, always denies and lie's and I have very little physical proof but a whole lot of people who told me what he was up to.While I feel it in my heart that he was unfaithful, I still want solid proof! The lies are what infuriate me! He will lie about whatever comes to mind so I cant trust a word that he says. I love him, but this has been almost impossible to live with and I am afraid that this marriage won't end with 'till death do us part'. Well, then again, it may !

 

In order to keep this from consuming me I wake up everyday and think of my beautiful kids, nature and my animals. They all love so unconditionally and it has kept me going now for several years. I also installed a keylogger on the computer, which I told him about, so the porn would stop! My daughter came accross a few things that made me want to split his head open!

 

No one can tell you when it is time to leave or that you should stay and work it out! Only you know what you can handle and with time the pieces will show themselves and the puzzle will be solved. The door to leave them never closes and the option remains open till you make up your mind. It isn't an easy decision and takes some time to understand and become clear.

 

Try not to focus on this matter all day everyday or you will become consumed and even more frail! Go to therapy and use that time to meditate on this and leave the other days of your week to appreciate yourself and the good things around you.While this is a hard thing to live by,remember--Don't give anyone the power to ruin your day. YOU are in control of your own life and alway keep that power over yourself!

[backinlife]

Hey,

 

I am a cheater. i cheated in a perfectly healthy functioning relationship. i even thought i was in love with someone else. These things happe. You think that cheating and falling in love with other people doesn't match to your notion of what you consider your raltionship with your husband. But you don't have to reject the whole notion, just adjust it. It sounds like i am crazy and callous, but i lost my man by cheating. I felt so guilty and i hurt. I doubted that i loved him. i did love him, very much. Sometimes we do things that hurt the people we love. And its hard to grasp that he hurts you so much allthough he loves you. Talk to him about your pain, try to explane what is going on inside of you. And ask him exactly what he likes about being with the other girl. For me it was that i liked mself in my affair. It gave me a way out of the person i was with my man and i could be the exciting, in love crazy girl with my affair. You can fix this!!! YOu can help him reconsider and help him being happy again as the person he is with you. You love this man, there is no need for so much hurt. i am sure he loves you too. i really am. You think he would act different then, but he might feel he can't. help him.

 

Mona

[mom2be]

 

 

Tonight I have my first pre-natal class. Instead of thinking about this class I am still a big mess about what has happened in my life. Part of me is extremely tired of feeling sorry for myself. I know I have to decide which direction I want to go in, but as usual I am having a tough time.

 

DOUBT: How does one deal with doubt? The question -once a cheater always a cheater always a cheater rings true with my husband...and what i mean by that is he did not end this relationship a year ago when he should have. When we were having a martial problems at that time. For that matter he should have come clean with truth a year ago. But what is done is done. There is no going back.

 

What I am trying to figure out is will he ever stop this pattern. This pattern of always going outside of our realtionship to make himself feel better to have his ego stroked. And I can honestly say- I think he will always do that. He always needs everyone else to have a good opininon of him. and his priorities are always mixed up. So how do I let go of the doubt when I feel this way. I think right now I need to embrace the anger, and then move on to the fixing. I am not ready to fix anything at this point.

 

This is all really trivial when I think about it. How come this is happening to so many people? Where did humanity fo to?

[perry22]

mom2be

 

I totally understand the mood you are in. The sad fact is that being able to trust the betrayer again is very very difficult. I am having the same issue like you trying to recover. The thing is that all it takes is one small unexplained behaviour/action to put you on high alert again. And if those suspicions are proven valid, it takes you back to point zero where you will start the process again of evaluating whether to abandone or to give another chance.

 

This type of behaviour takes a very understanding/patient betrayer partner to complement and most of the time, their own patience run out as well. They could become extremely secretive about their actions, whether there are some motivation involved or whether they are doing so just to avoid you dropping back to point zero. The cruel fact is that people like us, the betrayed ones, tend to be very fragile and hypersensitive to their actions/behaviours.

 

I think it might be possible but the road is long. I have changed my approach on this in that previously my thoughts tend to be centred around her. Now stealthly, I try to shift the focus back to myself. Ultimately with such a partner, we need to first learn to be selfish and put our own needs on top first. That might help us to let go of the grip bit by bit and eventually we do not get so bothered by what they are doing in their life since we have detached more from the previous state.

 

I am not sure this way is the best solution but I have come to terms that whatever it is, looking after our own feeling is still the priority and who better than ourselves to do so.

 

If you have any other ways, I would like to hear. After all, it is all about healing our own self. Good luck!

[ChrissyV]

I suggest that you read a book called "Not Just Friends" written by Shirley Glass. Try to check it out from you local library. If your library doesn't have it, get it from Amazon. It will give you some helpful views into the whole emotional affair phenomenon.

You are definitely facing a problem. I highly recommend that you read this book asap. It is the best book on the topic of emotional affairs and how to handle the resulting crisis.