another 5 yr breakup

[now_better]

first off, i'd like to say i love this site. i've read hundreds of posts over the last couple of days (at work ) and it's helpful to know that you're not the only person in the world to feel this way.

 

i guess i'm one of the collective of people in the "dumpee" category now and of course, you never think it's going to happen to you. even when there were warning signs that things were slowly slipping away, she was less affectionate, told me i had to be more romantic, that i needed to play video games less, that i needed to use cologne or something to smell better like one of her co-workers, she started calling less... no, we were together almost 5 years, she told me numerous times she wanted to get married with me (which i kept pushing off because we both had graduated recently and were still relatively poor), she was THE ONE. sure, i had just moved 2 hrs away to a great job opportunity (after living with her and her parents for the past year which I found out too late wasn't the greatest idea in the world and also against the advice of everybody i talked to), but i came to visit her on the weekends every 2-3 weeks (she never came to visit me in the 7 months i moved away). we were both 26 and we were going to be "together forever" like i told her. she was my first g/f (we met as seniors at undergrad and went to the same graduate school together) and the only one i ever needed in life to be complete. just being with her made life beautiful.

 

WEEK 1 - then you begin to suspect that she's hanging out with that coworker a little too much. they take classes together, they work together, but all her friends are guys and he's just another guy. then you finally get that call "i use to love you", "i like him better", "we kissed"... and of course you know it's coming because you suspected it all along and you've already planned to drop her like a dead weight. but you can't because you love her and she's the only thing that's ever mattered to you. you drop everything and drive up to see her the same night, but she's so distant and ... ANGRY AT YOU. like it's your fault and you tell her that you could be a better boyfriend, will spend more time with her, you'll do whatever it takes, that you just need another chance, but she said she's given you chances. and the night ends with her asking you to leave and you crash at a friend's place before waking up at 5am to drive back home to go to work and crying on the freeway going at 75mph (which i highly do not recommend).

 

and you call your mom to tell her why you had to leave at 7pm last nite to go see her and that it's all over. that she's seeing someone else and you cry uncontrollably for the next hour telling your mom that you were going to be married, life was going to be beautiful, that you're a worthless human being, that you've never accomplished anything in your life, that no one in my life has ever wanted to be with me: my dad (who i haven't seen in like 14 yrs), relatives, people in life, like you're just this reject that people cannot stand. and my mom says that the problem is that you're the pure person and you just haven't had enough experience, that there are people in the world that aren't the same. and i call a friend and he tells me "man, you can do better than her"... and collectively my friends all say the same thing "she took you for granted", "stop blaming yourself for everything", "she's the one that cheated on you", but you tell them, if it's not your fault, then you can't change it and you can't fix the problems.

 

then you write her a poem about the whole ordeal and end it with "fly away forever/forever bye/forever bye 5 years/forever bye/bye my poo forever". and she writes back that she knew she had a crush on him, that she might have made the biggest mistake of her life and that right now she needs to figure out what she wants in life.

 

WEEK 2 - a week of NC passes and you decide that you have nothing to lose by going all out. that you don't want to be 80 yrs old and regret that you didn't try. so you write her a 4 pg letter telling her how much you love her and you return almost everything she's ever bought you. she's shocked, overwhelmed, she misses you, but she's still not sure and she can't decide. you tell her that "you and me anyplace anywhere in the world, that's my life". and life is beautiful again when you walk outside holding hands, but she has to go meet with her friends.

 

and during the week you start calling her again like things are normal and she says things aren't normal. that i'm starting to show more maturity, that it's good that i'm going running everyday. that i'll make a good b/f for someone someday. i ask her if she's punishing me and she says she gave up on me (waiting for me to propose, to grow up and stop acting like a kid, etc). so sad...

 

i can't help that i'm young at heart and i'll always be this way. i'm the classic "nice guy": sensitive, i have stuffed animals in my bed, i like to kid all the time, make her laugh, make her happy, easy-going all the time (i think like an adult and make logical decisions in life/work, but i have the emotional feelings of a little kid)... sometimes when you move 21 times in 26 years in your life, grow up as a foreigner that can't speak the native language, have no friends growing up, grow up poor, never really feel like you fit anywhere, the only things you trust in life are lifeless stuffed animals. and she liked cute stuff just like me, we got along so well. but she was always so fickle, it was impossible to tell what she liked at the moment because she would change her mind every couple of weeks. major self-realization over the last couple of weeks why didn't want to get married yet: parents marriage was worse than horrible (yelling everyday, violence, standing between my parents so my dad wouldn't hit my mom, police, leaving home abruptly to move to another city several hours away without saying goodbye to my friends was how it ended, etc). i guess i wanted our marriage to started right: buy a house (houses are ridiculously priced in california), not worry about money, life to be perfect. now i realize just being with her, life was perfect. i'm easy to please.

 

WEEK 3 - so you see her again and you plan the perfect day: watch a movie at the local cinema to break the ice, ride a tandem bike at the park (she doesn't know how to ride a bike!) to get her to trust you, and end it off with shopping and dinner. (a) works, (b) works though we go watch ponies and go on a merry go round instead and she's so happy. then © fails miserably as i try too hard to show her that i can be different, that i'm willing to walk with her as she goes into clothing after clothing store, that i don't have to be cheap, that i can buy her whatever she wants (growing up poor tends to make you more conscious of how you spend money - self-realization recently: that i don't mind spending money on the person i want to spend the rest of my life with), but she feels it's too forced, too sudden. and at the end of the night, we talk for 3 hours and she feels it's over. so sad...

 

WEEK 4 - during the week, we talked a couple of times, mostly small talk. she asked me to take the stuff i dropped off. but i had other plans... i took the first present she bought me, this nice dress shirt that i've used on several interviews and put it in a box. i also bought some Chicken Soup for the Soul books: one for woman, another for couples (which I used scotch tape to seal, i later told her to read this when she was in a relationship again). and i went to Tiffany's and i bought a $5.5k engagement ring. and i bought this little diary journal thingie. and i wrote like 10 pages in the journal thingie basically saying how beautiful she made my life, that i got her a goodbye present (the ring), not to settle for some guy, that i wasn't kidding when i told her that we were together forever, that we were breaking up, but i married her in my heart, that she was making the biggest mistake in her life and she wouldn't learn to appreciate my unconditional, pure and true love until she had been in several relationships and many years past. i saw her on the weekend, we had lunch and i read the journal to her at her place. i made her promise to keep whatever was in the box (before she saw the ring of course). she was crying and i told her it was the most difficult decision in my life to say goodbye to the only thing that ever mattered to me, but there was nothing more i could do and that "this is life". i told her if she wants to talk to me, write it in the journal. she made me take some stuff i gave her before i left (a digital camera, etc). i told her good luck in life and left...

 

i guess i was tired of just talking and the ring to me was like "i'm not kidding around". and it's just money, i'll make more in life, so whatever. anyways, that was about 10 days ago. she contacted a friend of mine and told him that she can't keep the ring. i was doing so well, starting to move on, total NC for 10 days, planning on NC for life, and then he gave me this news this morning and i could feel depression coming back into my mind... crying, suicidal thoughts, worthlessness kinda creeping back into my mind. i wrote my friend to tell her to she made a promise and also not to talk about her anymore. i just want to move on in life... workout, volunteer, read, hangout with friends, just away from the darkest time in my life. i read about people being depressed, but i just could never relate until the past month. no appetite, inability to sleep, unable to think at work, just dark dark dark thoughts all the time. i'm happy that i didn't go through on some of the things i was thinking and i just want to move on now.

[robowarrior]

Seems like you've been where i have been, I've learned some harsh life lessons from it. You should never go into a relationship expecting things to work out just because it concerns 'your case' , reality is that a woman can pack her bags and leave any day. The only thing you can do is to give yourself time, glue the pieces of your broken heart back together, and then replace your ex-gf with a new gf, and move on with your life.

[meadow8]

honestly, i think you should take the ring back and put it away and forget about it. save it for the true 'one', give it to someone who loves you for you and will appreciate it. it may takes years to find, but it will happen.

[ocrob]

I say you should definitely take the ring back. Worse case scenario you can trade it in for a watch or something. My exwife insisted on keeping her ring, which cost me $6000. She wanted to make a necklace out of it. We were only married for a year. Things will definitely get better. I went out with my ex for four years and dated for a while after and then tried the friend thing. After four months of NC, I thought I might be ok to talk to her as a friend. She informed me she is now engaged and we should not talk. I am actually pretty good with it. The more time that goes by, the better off you will be. There are plenty of women out there, but the fear of getting hurt still lingers, but you have to live your life.

[now_better]

the ring symbolizes a lot to me though: a) it says i can commit, i'm over my fear of marrying someone that i won't repeat the same mistakes as my parents, b) i have no problem spending money on people i love, i can drop a couple Gs and this is fine with me, c) even though i'm partially going through an "angry" mood right now, i want her to be happy in life. she was really good to me (best thing that happened to me in life) and though she cheated on me at the end, she's a good person, just immature and not able to deal with relationships (and pressure in general) in an adult manner. she was always talking about engagement rings, well, she has one now can't say i was too cheap to buy her one. d) i think it's important (why, i have no idea, i guess i suffer from "being too niceitis") that she doesn't pick some lame-o guy off the street instead of me, i want her to look at that ring if she ever decides to get married and know that she could have had better, so she better pick somebody better so that she eventually lives a fulfilling life. e) maybe also in a subconscious way, i want to make her feel bad for leaving me by giving her the ring. like increase the guilt of cheating on me, like you ditched a great guy who loved you unconditionally, wanted to be with you for the rest of his life and you treated him like crap near the end. obviously, i'm not perfect and i can always be better, but i didn't do anything to deserve the way it ended, especially when we were together for almost 5 yrs.

 

this is the thing i wrote her and read to her before i said goodbye in WEEK 4 above:

 

link removed

 

i guess this is natural, but i just know the guy she's with isn't going to work out (she told me this when we were breaking up too). he's stubborn, she's super stubborn, she probably confided in him problems we had at work/lunch/class and "amazingly" i bet he morphed into exactly what she needed at the time. we talked twice a day on the phone, but living 2 hrs apart, i couldn't be there everyday. oh well, everybody's true colors eventually come out and then it's only a matter of time until they each move on to somebody else in life.

[need2bme]

I believe that you two were young and maybe she was not the one. Please get the ring back. She is not going to come back because of that. Right now everything sucks, I know. I am working in an area of the state I do not want to be in and made no attempt to get home. I don't think a relationship should have to survive over a distance like that, but what can we do.

 

As for money, yes that comes and goes, but I my debt start to eat away at me. Instead of doing something about it, even if it meant bankruptcy, I just complained about it. I turned down a job far away from where we live and stayed with a job making about 1/4 what I did, simply so i could stay with her. All of my complaining probably made her think it was all her fault. Wrong thing to do...

 

I am going to keep checking on you, as I feel a kindred spirit here. Stop thinking about suicide. Do that and NOBODY wins. The only one to not hurt will be you. You will hurt your mom, your friend and yes, your GF. Love them enough, and yourself, to hang around.

 

We need to read what you write...

[now_better]

i've read a lot of posts on here and people seem to breakup multiple times with their partners. i guess it becomes easier with time and experience in life. there were maybe one or two times, my ex (still feel like typing g/f) wanted to breakup last yr with me, but everytime i was able to talk to her and reach her. we were always together for almost 5 yrs... but when someone else enters the picture, it's just not the same. if that person didn't get involved, i think she would have given it another go.

 

one of the positive things about breaking up with someone is: a) you learn a lot about yourself, i've had some amazing self-realizations that i wouldn't have had if i didn't break up, b) learned that i can be a better b/f in life, i was mediocre and i took her for granted when we got "comfortable" over the years and relationships are very much living organisms. you have to feed them, nurture them, continually keep things new, otherwise they wither away like ours slowly did, c) relationships are a constant compromise, just because all you want in life is to be with someone and that makes you happy, that's not necessarily what they want and you have to discover and fulfill their needs (everybody's a little different, some people it's like "wash the dishes once day", etc), d) that i can be a better person without someone needing me to change.

 

i've gone from being badly addicted to an online game (which i got her to play too) where i would play up to 30 hrs/week. now if i turn on the game, it's just not the same, it feels meaningless. the last few weeks, i've gone running, play basketball, go to the local library (like i did when i was a kid), just do more in life now. and i think it's important to strike balances in your life so that you live a healthier lifestyle, but each person has to come to their own self-realizations. just like you can't stop someone from smoking/drinking unless they want to change, this is similar. sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they change. i'm becoming more of a can do, responsible person and it's so sad that a) she doesn't believe she can rely on me, b) she doesn't think i will ever change, c) she doesn't believe i can make her my number 1 priority in life instead of taking her for granted.

 

i think i've hit that rock bottom and life is slowly recovering. sometimes i wish someone would hit me so hard so i could just forget everything. but what people say is true, overcoming adversity makes you stronger in life as long as you can rise to the challenge of overcoming it.

 

and i think i didn't go through on certain things i was thinking because there are people in life that care about me. like my little cousin that looks up to me and my aunt who's always telling him to grow up to be like me because i went to college, got several degrees, have a good job, didn't grow up with much, always treat people right... and i'd hate to see the look on his face at my funeral and everybody asking "why?" and sometimes i wished no one cared, so it would be so much easier.

 

i'm fortunate enough that i make good money at my job and i live a lifestyle that allows me to save a lot of money, that i can afford things like buying an engagement ring if i feel like it. so monetarily, it's not really an issue. my friend said she's going to return the ring anyways so i expect i'll probably be getting that back in the mail over the next week. thanks for all the kind words all.

[iceman85]

now better i am going through the same thing as you right now man and its the absolute worst, I had the same thoughts as you but i didn't go so far as to give her aton of stuff and try over and over to get her to come back, just maybe twice.

 

Its good to see that even though you feel like you lost everything that you are here and writing that you realized alot.

 

I know you love this girl with ever fiber in your body and I know how that feels, she is losing the greatest guy and she doesnt realize it. She sounds like she has no clue what she wants in life, she doesnt realize how lucky she was to have you.

 

Keep doing things for yourself, get better each day, right now she just thinks your gonna be that same guy you were the past five years. Maybe in the future something will click with her and she'll see what she passed up, but by that time your gonna find a woman who will love you so much. Your a great guy, pouring your heart out to her felt right but in reality it wasnt the best thing to do.

 

She needs to figure things out on her own, when she finds another guy dont feel bad, he wont compare to you and hopefully she realizes that. Long relationships get comfortable without either party even knowing and alot of the time people always want that new and exciting relationship. Hang in there man we're here for you, theres plenty of us who feel the exact same way. Do not contact her and continue to look out for yourself. I can see how much you love her and I hope that you find true love soon, you certaintly deserve it and have a wonderful loving heart.

[need2bme]

Long relationships get comfortable without either party even knowing and alot of the time people always want that new and exciting relationship.

 

What an awesome statement. My GF and I would have broken up at least 2 years ago, if it were not for comfort, I think. Funny thing is that I wanted it gone so many times before and I now have lost it. Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it. I prayed and prayed for God to fix it while I was up here. I am trying so hard to realize that he is leading me on a path. With losing her, my home and my job, it is tough though. I try not to second guess God, but I have questioned, "Why me?" though. I keep hoping that he wanted me to see the light. You know, honor her more, not be on the net looking at things you shouldn't, knowing sex has it place and wanting to have pure giving love. I want that, but I have to make my subconsious agree.

[iceman85]

I know its really tough but eventually you will see the path, it may not be for a good long while but its all for the best at some point. Its hard not to doubt really hard but if you can place faith in god that he will lead you somewhere great then things will be fine eventually.

[RayKay]

Regardless of whether you can "afford to" or not, take the ring back. Because it's a promise to marry, and I think even SHE feels uncomfortable with that - not the money, but the meaning behind it. It does not feel right to her to accept a promise to marry, when she does not want to get married.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, I really am. But....and as much as you believe it...she is not the one. At least not now. The one is the person whom feels and wants the same thing back, and she doesn't. Maybe she was the one at one point in your life, but she isn't now. It sounds like she started to move on a while ago, maybe out of being frustrated, or bored, I don't know. Regardless, there was no excuse for her to cheat. That was pretty awful of her. If she did that, regardless of how much you had to "grow up" in her eyes, it's a clear sign she does not deserve YOU. There ARE other wonderful women out there. You will move on, you WILL heal, and you will fall in love again. And THAT woman deserves that when you propose, you are doing it without having another woman with another ring from your past.

 

I am sorry, you do sound like a wonderful guy, and I am sure even she will remember that, but she has made the choice to move forward with her life, and you have to now as well. Learn from it, and move forward.

[bstrong2day]

I'm in a very similar boat. I feel your pain. I was engaged for a year and my fiance broke up with me in a rather cold, abrupt manner 4 weeks ago. She didn't give me another chance or drag it out like your girlfriend did. My ex hasn't responded to any letters. In fact, she still has the engagement ring that I proposed with. You took all the right steps and did all the right things when she first broke the news. You felt safe. You felt comfortable, and maybe you let your guard down. But, you know what? It's not your fault. Do you know why? Because your girlfriend is supposed to love you for who you are. It isn't supposed to stop becuase you play video games too often, aren't wearing the right cologne, or are frugal with your money. I believe that you would do anything for this girl. She's got to know that too. For some reason though, she has made a decision to end the relationship. You're probably wondering "Why?" just like I'm doing right now. Why didn't she tell you these things were bothering her so much. If you only knew it would make or break the relationship, you would have done things differently in a heartbeat. It's gotten me nowhere to beat myself up, and I still do it all day and night long. My only advice is to take a few days off from work to be around family that will be there for you. That's what helped me hang on and keep moving. I am still on this website while I should be productive at work during the day. This site is a refuge for many like you that have suffered a major loss. Hey, we're here for you. I feel your pain buddy. I'm there too.

[now_better]

iceman85: you read my mind and my heart. i wrote an email to my friend yesterday night and the first sentence i wrote was "roman, i don't know when i'll stop loving janet." and it's true that people get tired of old relationships, like they want to go to the dealership and trade in for a new one. she wrote me in WEEK 1 above after I wrote her a poem that she knows she's fickle and likes new things, but that it's not an excuse for what she did. i guess because the one constant in my life has been change, i appreciate when i find something good in life and don't need to replace that with something else.

 

raykay: thx for the kinds words. going over the various forums and many topics, i think i've read more of your posts than anyone else and you're an inspiration to the human soul. i think you've saved more lives than you know. yeah, she told me (in our WEEK 3 conversation) that because i didn't want to set a date for marriage back in December when we went to Vegas together, that she got frustrated and started to care less. i'm not sure why people place such importance on marriage. i've seen first hand the life of a horrible marriage (life does not suddently become better when you're married as some people think) so marriage to me is just some ceremony to create a legal bond. to me, when i tell someone that i will be with them forever, that means more to me: that i accept them for who they are, that they can be at peace, that i will love them until my last breath. once i believe that, marriage is only a matter of time and i'm not sure why some people have to rush things (maybe insecurity issues).

 

bstrong2day: yup, i think i spent 6+ hrs a day here at work, it's so bad. (=

 

you know just when you think you have something beat, it comes right back. i didn't do something well at work yesterday and i just got so depressed afterwards. i wrote this note and put it in my wallet: "Tell her to come to my going away party so that i can see my home one last time. Everytime I see her I'm home and I just want to be at home. Peaceful, quiet home."

 

Then I went running when I got home, then came back and wrote that letter to my friend. I got so depressed that I cried for a little. Life can be so frustrating sometimes, there's nothing you can do when someone gives up on you. I've been talking to a mutual guy friend of my ex and mine who she has confided to about our situation (more of her friend than mine, but we've hung out in the past). He's said the following to me in several emails:

 

"Hang in there my friend. Although I think you guys make the perfect couple, life is anything but perfect. My experience is that relationships are up and down ( and down, and down, down, down) and the "boxing" analogy is just a way to say, be patient. It's not over until you want it to be."

 

"That's the way it goes, so no reason to beat your self up over it. ... I think everyone that has met you including Janet would agree you are well beyond the high payoff point. So here are my thoughts:

 

1. Don't change anything, and certainly don't talk to her about changing. If Janet really wanted someone more like her she would get a cat. All she wants is to know is that you really want her and that's more about impressing her then explaining it to her.

2. Be calm and cool. Guys that are knocked down in the early rounds and keep their composure come back to win on points (not me however). No matter how you feel inside be cool on the outside. The truth is that you are going to go through many more of these situations with Janet or someone else so get used to it. Check out the movie Closer, it pretty insightful.

3. Forget about the other guy, he is not relevant to you. He is just a convenient temptation to Janet, sort of the anti-you. There will always guys orbiting Janet whether you know about them or not.

4. Be patient its easy to fall into the same ruts. You guys have been together for a long time so it has been a long time since you were seeing each others best sides. But the history gives you a great advantage over someone new. "

 

"Well all of those things, low self-esteem, game playing, etc., are ingredients that go in to what makes you the person that everyone likes. And btw you also got 2 degrees and a good job along the way. There is always plenty of room to improve but putting too much pressure on yourself doesn't do anyone any good."

 

"As you predicted Janet called me after seeing you. It is really not my business to get in the middle of your affairs but I do consider both of you as friends and want to see you do well. Obviously these things are very difficult to go through and only you can decide how best to deal with it. From my point of view I am not sure her position is as you have stated it but I really don't know. Just be patient with yourself, if she's unsatisfied it's is her problem. In time the worm will turn (she will be back)."

 

It's almost dangerous to continue to believe because then you never really let go and in my psychological state, I'm unable to make rational decisions while in this condition (like writing the note above).

 

The thing about moving on is now i have meet new people in life and i guess being the low-confidence, shy kind of person that i am (and have been my entire life, I think i've gone on maybe 2 dates and the girls always ask me out), i'm almost afraid of people. i guess i hate being judged all the time that i have to meet certain expectations to be accepted and it's just a general pain (building up my self-esteem is probably in order here). i think this is why i'm so good with kids because they don't tend to judge. my older cousin said that i'm not a babe magnet, but a "baby magnet" because whenever my little cousins/nephews/nieces see me, they follow me around and want me to play games with them.

[RayKay]

Thanks for the comments hun

 

You know, I agree with you on the fact that marriage is definitely bigger than the cerremony. And too many people use it to fix problems, or believe it will solve their own insecurities.

 

I also believe your heart/brain get married long before there is ever a ring, and I also believe you do not NEED marriage to be committed. My mother and stepfather chose not to get married and are together 20+ years later, still happy and in love, and extremely supportive of one another.

 

That being said, I still do want to get married to my partner. It's not important I do it today, though I do want to know my partner is on the same wavelength as me. If you were clear to her that she was part of your future, including marriage when it was a better time (ie after school) then maybe it does come down to impatience, but I really don't know for sure. She may have felt you were leading her on, because it does happen, but again I am not sure.

[now_better]

felt like sharing some more. here's the letter i wrote her in WEEK 2 above about how much i loved her (many references to UCLA where we went to undergrad). i should have went NC after this (and i shouldn't have driven up to see her the previous week)!!! lessons you learn in life the hard way... #-o

 

link removed