I'm so stupid, I broke down...

[Süsser Tod]

Wow! interesting responses. May I comment? I will venture to give my feedback, because that is what this forum is all about...First of all I like your avatar. And I don't fault you for your doubting your relationship. It is difficult when your loved one is away. If in fact she is finding comfort with another man while she is away, I think she is distressing you by telling you about it. You could try to tell her that what you need from her while she is away is to reafirm her love for you and that she misses you (if she does) because you are not in a comnfort zone right now. What ever is going on with her little vacation buddy is not what you need or want to hear about. good luck!

 

 

Finding comfort in another man? Now, that is harsh, and I don't think she is finding comfort in another man. If she did, I would never talk to her again.

[nottoogreen]

Finding comfort in another man? Now' date=' that is harsh, and I don't think she is finding comfort in another man. If she did, I would never talk to her again.[/quote']

 

CHINOOKA seems to have not read the whole thread, it's long.

 

Well, Süsser Tod how is your day and how are you feeling today?

 

I wonder if you could keep up with itsallgrand's thread , it's an interesting read as well.

[Süsser Tod]

I'm bored as bored can be. Other than that, I'm still depressed and feeling uneasy. Yesterday afternoon it was awfull, I was so depressed I was breaking in tears for no reason, so guess that feeling only depressed is quite an improvement.

 

Unfortunately, eventhough I've managed to control most of my fears, loneliness and depression are getting me down at this point, and there is no quick fix for those.

 

I managed to land a guard shift tomorrow at work. Hope we have a bad day full of network emergencies so I can keep my mind busy, as with the little people that is there on weekends I can't reall practice my social skills.

[nottoogreen]

I'm bored as bored can be. Other than that, I'm still depressed and feeling uneasy. Yesterday afternoon it was awfull, I was so depressed I was breaking in tears for no reason, so guess that feeling only depressed is quite an improvement.

 

Unfortunately, eventhough I've managed to control most of my fears, loneliness and depression are getting me down at this point, and there is no quick fix for those.

 

I managed to land a guard shift tomorrow at work. Hope we have a bad day full of network emergencies so I can keep my mind busy, as with the little people that is there on weekends I can't reall practice my social skills.

 

I appreciate your feelings are oscillating and will for some time.

 

Loneliness is normal. As you feel better, you now have "free capacity" to dream about what you want to do together with her in your future. Daydream - try it.

 

Depression will not go away fast. However, as you are balancing more every day, you will feel better.

 

Have you managed to study for certification?

 

Guess you have access to lots of equipment - new things to play with?

 

What about ideas on action plan / your lists you meant to keep updated?

 

Keep up the good work, I am proud of you!

[itsallgrand]

Bored...hey, that's a good sign! Now to put that action plan into place and help to ease your own boredom. Boredom is better than depressed: it's a nice subtle "you aren't doing what you need to" warning.

 

So, yeah, what is the deal with your certification? Are you going through with taking it as planned, or did you postpone it?

 

I wanted to share something with you! Today, I had this 'revelation' of sorts. You know that feeling of abandonment? Like someone who is away when you feel you need them or want them, is gone for perfectly fine reasons...not actually abandoning you....

 

The truth is: You are feeling how you have abandoned yourself!!

Think about it.

This seemed so real and true to me.

 

There are things you need to do for you, that you aren't doing. Why is that?

For myself; I saw a kernel of not feeling worthy of it..or capable of doing it all alone.

And that isn't true in itself: it is fear talking. Fear that I might not be worth it or able to make myself happy.

 

And at the bottom of it too is wanting to be Loved and Accepted.

We look to others to do it, mostly subconsciously, and who really needs to love and accept us first is us.

 

If this isn't true for you, go ahead and disregard it. I just thought it may be helpful.

 

I'm proud of you too for having the courage to start looking at yourself and to attempt some changes.

 

tc

[jevonj77]

Uhm...you need to speak with her about it. Tell her where you stand and what you think some boundaries might be between her and "anyone" that she meets. She needs to have friends...but we "all" know who some "friends" really turn out to be...FWB ...I'm not saying that's it...but you should talk to her...maybe you're worrying about nothing at all.

 

I had a situation close to this once...I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend would be with this guy...who was apparently in her country to learn the language...so he was a student. They both were in this program to learn each other's language. I however, knowing all the rationality of it all, still felt uneasy( we hadn't been dating for that long)...So I told her that I felt uneasy about it...I didn't tell her to stop but told her that I felt really uneasy about her spending time with him. Eventually she reasured me over and over again...like how much she cared for me and how she had absolutely no feelings for that other guy...many many things of course...( I wasn't crying or anything-that's not my style...but I did feel bad). So after all of that, I had no choice but to trust her. I also did ask her though not to tell me too much details about what they did together.I didn't wish to hear about it really...all I wanted to know was what she did that day...like any normal conversation and if it had something to do with him in the picture all I needed to know was that that was so...but not all the details. So I was able to handle it after that.

 

After a point...it's all just about trust.

[Süsser Tod]

By now it is quite hard to explain how I feel. I feel depressed, and awfully bored. I find myself thinking about her a lot. However, apathy is big on me, and I don't have interest on anything!

 

Fears are well controled, they haven't came back, eventhough I had two quite boring days, and lots of time to think.

 

Apathy is awfull, I can't find anything to be remotely interesting, its like being bored, and everything you try, only bores you more.

 

 

Last night I signed for the course, it starts on Wednesday. Five days, Wed, Thursday and Friday from 7:30pm to 1:00 am, Saturday 11:00 am to 11:00pm and Sunday from 10:00 to 7. I'm looking forward to it. Next Saturday it will be two weeks since she left, 1/3rd of the total time she'll be gone, and I'll get to keep myself busy for some days, plus meeting new people.

 

I'll delay the certification exam, one week. This hasn't been an easy time for me, and timing couldn't have been worse to try getting a certification, after all, they aren't supposed to be easy.

[melrich]

Mate, you need to get out and do something. How long is hse gone for? What happens when she gets back...she says "watcha been doing?" you say "moping around waiting for you".

 

You gotta get out and do something. Prove to yourself you can have some fun without her.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Süsser Tod,

 

Good you signed up for that course.

 

Your feelings seem natural given the fact that you still not accept that she is away "on business".

 

I remind you again that she can be your other half, not all of you. 50/50, work on it!

 

Think about being together with her upon her return. Make a list of things you could do together.

[Süsser Tod]

I think I've accepted she is on business, that was key on getting my fears to go away.

 

Today I'm feeling much better, apathy seems to be going away. Though, I still think of her a lot, even future things like living together.

[nottoogreen]

I think I've accepted she is on business, that was key on getting my fears to go away.

 

Today I'm feeling much better, apathy seems to be going away. Though, I still think of her a lot, even future things like living together.

 

Great, you make good progress!

 

I asked you, please think of her and your future together. Positive outlook, a bit of daydreaming makes you smile. Smiling is good!

 

And keep working hard!

 

She'll be proud of you!

[itsallgrand]

Good stuff, Tod.

[Süsser Tod]

I'm not feeling well. Lately the feelings for her have turned into apathy, maybe too much stress/frustration have got the best out of me.

 

Then yesterday I had a terrible day @ work, and I was supposedly going to the course in the afternoon. Well, I got there after dealing with tons of traffic, only to find that there were 300 people attending! Damn!

I hate crowds, so basically I blew it, didn't registered and I was left out.

 

Yes, I'm known to do stupid stuff when I'm frustrated. Next one is on July 12, guess I'll sign for that one, and hope I don't screw it up again.

 

 

Right now I don't feel sad/angry/mad, I just feel indiferent to everything.

 

I feel I've failed to myself, I've failed to her, etc.

 

 

To top it off, she is going to Edimburg this weekend, so I wont talk to her until next week, great...

 

 

At this pace I'm even doubting I'll have any feelings left for her once she comes back, don't know why I'm reacting like this, or if I'm blocking myself again, or if it is just a couple bad days. It is really hard for me to understand how I'm feeling, I feel overwhelmed by everything that is happening, I'm too stressed, don't know...

[nottoogreen]

Süsser Tod, you are good at defeating yourself. You want to show yourself that you improve. Could you please register for the next course tomorrow - advance registration should be possible.

 

Edinburgh is a nice old city and worth a visit. You could research Edinburgh and email her some tips on where to go. Do it now!

[nottoogreen]

The idea behind monitoring is to have someone else watch.

 

This post will be updated frequently, as long as needed

 

15 June

Feeling: Fear, about to explode

Done: Opened up feelings and issues.

 

16 June

Feeling: Much better, left with depression, loneliness, feeling uneasy and missing her.

Done: Refined thoughts listed issues.

 

17 June

Feeling: Better again, left with depression and missing her but not as badly.

Todo: Ideas on action plan.

Done: Overcame abandonment feelings within less than 2 hours.

 

18 June

Feeling: Bored and only depressed is quite an improvement.

Todo: Ideas on action plan.

Done: Managed to control most fears, Landed a guard shift to keep busy.

 

19 June

Feeling: Much better, I've accepted she is on business, that was key on getting my fears to go away.

Todo: Ideas on action plan.

Done: think of her a lot, even future things like living together.

 

22 June

Feeling: Apathy, failed myself

Todo: Ideas on action plan, register next course.

Done: Failed to register for the course.

[TheRedQueen]

I read your recent post on your mother's violation of your privacy, and now reading this I am quite sure, as you've already noticed, that you are not in the greatest place right now emotionally as well psychologically. I agree that perhaps it would be a good idea for you to consult a shrink. About your girlfriend, the good news is that she'll only be gone for a month, and in the scheme of things that's next to nothing, the bad news however is that if I were you I too would feel threatened and uncomfortable with her rooming and spending all her time with a man she "gets along with", such proximity within that setting may in fact lead to infidelity.

[Süsser Tod]

Oh crap, I'm feeling really down today.

 

I chose not to take a shift today, and now that I think about it, it was a dumb desicion. Why would I want a "day for myself" if I've got nothing to do???

 

Lets see, I woke up, took a bath, went to buy oil for my motorcycle, came back home, called my gf (and the conversation was not that good), and I've spent the day bored, feeling lonely and down.

 

 

On the bright side I realized something about me, I always fee like everything is going to turn for the worse, and I always feel like a failure. I have this feeling that everything I do is wrong, thanks mom & dad, again.

 

See, when I was a kid, I was in a school that was not the best for me. So I got tons of reports, and I spent most of the time being punished by my parents. I got to the point where if my dad or my mom called me I would reply "what did I do wrong?", expecting to be punished or something like that.

 

So now I'm always looking for approval of some sort, from other people.

 

 

I've been trying to keep up talking and greeting people @ work. Now it feels somewhat pointless. I've been unable to make friends, maybe because the perception they already have about me, don't know.

 

 

Today when I talked to my gf I realized we had nothign to talk about, not that she helped a lot (she went to liverpool today, and all she said was "we went to the beeltes museum, then to the schools where they went, their houses and a bar where they played two hundred and something times).

 

Asked her if she was going to bed after we were done talking (12 am there), she said no, she wanted to spend time with her roomates/friends as this time they werent drinking and just playing a silly table game.

 

Then it hit me. I've got nothing to talk about as I did nothing. She is looking forward to spend time with the people over there. Guess I bored the hell out of her. How can she look forward to being with me once she comes back if I'm such a boring person?

 

When we started dating we both knew that both of us are somewhat boring people, but she at least have some friends, I don't!

 

 

I'm depressed, sad, lonely and somewhat angry. Right now I don't look forward to talking to her tomorrow. And I'm doubting we will make it. This night I can't really say I feel I love her.

Maybe it is just the frustration and depression talking, again. Maybe I'm just reflecting my frustration and anger in her, blocking the love.

 

Don't know, I'm also feeling a little bit suicidal tonight. Ah, hope tomorrow it better.

[Süsser Tod]

WOW, had an interesting dream/nighmare last night.

 

 

Can't remember all the details, but I do remember what I thought was the most important part of it.

 

She somehow came back for only one weekend, for her dads birthday (what I thought on my dream, isn't this the second bday this year?), anyway, she was in here.

 

We had to go to a restaurant, and she was quite upset, distant, she didn't talked to me. However, she talked to this other person that I believe was my brother, and told him that she was feeling really sad.

 

In the meantime I got more and more upset, to the point that I was so mad at her for ignoring me, that I went out of the restaurant. In front of the place, there was a garden with a stoneway, and I found her shoes. Yes, her shoes, and they were porcelain, not regular shoes.

 

I grabbed them and broke them, threw one against the wall, the other one into the floor, then jumped on top of one, they were nothing but small pieces.

 

After that, my gf came out of the place, with the group of people we were with. Her head shattered into pieces, she turned into porcelain, and then her feet broke. She fell down torwards me, and I moved to the side, instead of trying to catch her. She fell to the floor and turned into small pieces.

 

The person that was at my right side, cried, not because of her, but because of my selfishness and for letting her go down, instead of helping her.

 

Then I could see her face in the floor, she was mad, I kneed down, kissed her while I thought on my mind "I love you". Then I picked her up, the real her, flesh and bone, and I said, "lets go, we have little time left" (I guess referring to the fact that she had only came back for a weekend)

 

I woke up after that, had a very hard time getting to sleep after that.

 

 

Weird dream, huh?

[nottoogreen]

on the bright side I realized something about me, I always fee like everything is going to turn for the worse, and I always feel like a failure. I have this feeling that everything I do is wrong, thanks mom & dad, again.

See, when I was a kid, I was in a school that was not the best for me. So I got tons of reports, and I spent most of the time being punished by my parents. I got to the point where if my dad or my mom called me I would reply "what did I do wrong?", expecting to be punished or something like that.

 

So now I'm always looking for approval of some sort, from other people.

Lot's of people want you "up", But you still bring yourself down.

 

Today, you are your biggest enemy by far.

 

You are smart enough to analyze yourself, but you are too rotten weak to change even small things.

[Süsser Tod]

Care to elaborate on the last part?

[Süsser Tod]

Ugh, feeling... indiferent today.

 

My mind is convinced she'll come back, though, I seem to freak out over anything. So, well, I decided not to worry anymore, we'll see if she comes back. In the meantime I'll enjoy the phonecalls, that will be less in the upcoming days. If she comes back, it will be like a dream come true, if she doesnt, I'll have a lot of crying to do.

 

I can see people being more friendly to me, today I got to the office and peole that usualy wouldnt talk to me, greeted me! That is good.

[Xavier]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

[nottoogreen]

Care to elaborate on the last part?

Like not making progress and continuing to let yourself and those who care about you down.

 

I am worried about you losing your job if you go on like that.

 

I want to see you make progress.

 

Your CISCO course comes to mind.

 

Your action plan is overdue.

 

I am happy to watch over you as long as you progress.

 

Small things and steps are progress too.

[Süsser Tod]

Next week, July 11 I'll take the test. Also I signed today for the self help course, starting July 12.

 

The gf situation I don't know anymore to handle it, I'm blurring my emotions and confused. For example, I feel like (or think) everytime we talk she would rather do something else, however, she has sent me e-mails asking me to call her, and thanking me for calling her.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Süsser Tod,

 

Good to read that you are making progress again!

 

This is a mostly a repeated suggestion: About your gf, she is on a business trip, you miss her, want to think how to be happy with her. You could be closer to her by researching her next city... Talk to her about what to visit, something you learned about wher she is, you be amazed at her response.

And do it for every city!

 

OK, in preparation for the selfhelp course, please read itsallgrand's thread . It's almost as long as this thread, but she is inspiring. When you have time, reading it twice or thrice won't harm...

 

Next, we will develop a prioritized list of your problems before July 12.