Ultimatums... Fair or not?

[PRSOV]

I was just curious to know from your past experiences or current relationships has anyone ever given you an ultimatum?.. such as they want to be with you in a relationship or they want NC at all? OR have you ever given anyone an ultimatum?

 

If you have did it work out in the end? Did you feel that either applying a bit of pressure to that person did you both better in the end?

 

Are you together now?

 

I know most people say you shouldn't have to use an ultimatum to get an answer but I think sometimes desperate calls are for desperate measures...

[bebecole]

i think ultimatums are selfish..

but sometimes they work for other people

but i would never give a ultimatum b/c i dont think its fair..

there where so many times ive wanted to! you can believe that but i just would never do that to someone, b/c i wouldnt want one given to me.

 

also i think it would just push the other person away

[moink75]

All you end up doing is creating a situation where all people involved loose.

You are forcing someone else to make a decision that he/she did not want to make.

 

Turn the table: how do you feel when you are forced to play by someone else's rules. How did that make you feel. Look back at when you were a kid, at school, or at work.

 

When people are forced to do things that they do not want to do, they fight back and defend themself. All you end up doing is putting the other person on the defensive. That creates an uncomfortable situations where trust is lost and love is forgotten.

 

You end up Pi**ing the other person off. It is a loose loose situation

[Scotcha]

I don't think ultimatums are always black and white. At times I even feel they are necessary if used correctly.

 

When it comes to self respect and standards I think ultimatums are okay. For example a huge ultimatum with me is drug use. If someone wants to be with me they better not be a user.

 

When it comes to controlling the behavior of another person for selfish reasons, that is when they become unacceptable.

[melrich]

Sometimes they are necessary but they should always be the last resort and if you issue one you have to be ready to accept the consequences.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Hops are bad but ground rules like, dont cheat on me are good.

Best thing is set out rules and stick to them, so as not to hurt each other.

[annie24]

depends on the ultimatum:

 

for example, a former friend of mine was dating a married man. she was getting sick of him not starting the divorce proceedings from his wife. apparently, the husband "hated" the wife and married her when he was young and 19 and made a mistake. But, he said he was hesitanting because she had some mental problems and she was completely financially and emotionally dependent on him - she had no life outside of him.

 

I told my former friend that she should tell him that either he leaves his wife in 2 months, or she should leave him forever.

 

We are no longer friends though, so I don't know how the story turned out.

 

I think that there are times when ultimatums are the right way to go, but usually they are not.

[JJRadical]

Ultimatum...what a cool word...listen either you marry me or we break up...uuuuuuuh...ok....how a week from next Tuesday? Do i have to wear a suite?

[jenny_mcs]

I agree that ultimatums are sometimes needed when something about your partner's behavior or the relationship is compromising your principles.

 

However...like melrich said, before you issue one, make sure you are prepared to follow through and live with the consequences.

[Skippy]

ultimatums arent bad if used properly.

The only reason to use an ultimatum if your principles which you feel strongly are being crossed. You are actually at the point of ending the relationship because ot it, so you are giving options.

 

Selfish = YES VERY.

but if the person you are with do not agree with principles. Then it had better end.

 

It shouldnt be used as a form of manipulation.

[Momene]

I think they should be used where another's selfish behaviour is undermining the relationship or someone is dithering about a decision. I don't like being held dangling on a string, for example. I think you must be prepared to leave a relationship if someone won't agree to your reasonable demands.

 

Of course, people can use ultimatums to make unreasonable demands or exert control over someone who is prepared to cling onto a relationship at any (or almost any) cost.

 

Examples of reasonable ultimatums are to stop people spending recklessly and putting homes at risk or making a decision about marriage when a relationship has gone for 5 years and both are over 25.

[JustNormal]

I think consequences for your actions are necessary in every part of life. You can call it an ultimatum if you want. If my g/f were taking drugs or sleeping with 5 other guys, I would give her an ultimatum. I wouldn't expect her to live up to it, and that's actually the point.

 

It's just a tool to get out of an irreconcilable situation- for me. I have never given an ultimatum without knowing the outcome- because if I were able to work through it I would have done so beforehand. But that's just me. YMMV.

[sir sirloin]

If my g/f were taking drugs or sleeping with 5 other guys, I would give her an ultimatum.

I would just leave her...except for the drugs thing that doesn't bother me very much.

 

Instead of ultimatums why not a negotiated settlement? Where both people can state their case and come to a compromise (hint, a compromise is an agreement where neither side is happy with the results).

[RayKay]

I think they should be used where another's selfish behaviour is undermining the relationship or someone is dithering about a decision. I don't like being held dangling on a string, for example. I think you must be prepared to leave a relationship if someone won't agree to your reasonable demands.

Of course, people can use ultimatums to make unreasonable demands or exert control over someone who is prepared to cling onto a relationship at any (or almost any) cost.

 

Examples of reasonable ultimatums are to stop people spending recklessly and putting homes at risk or making a decision about marriage when a relationship has gone for 5 years and both are over 25.

 

I agree with this.

 

I think there are extenuating circumstances where it may become necessary to put down a boundary, as long as you are prepared to follow through with it. It's not always easy to just leave before giving them that opportunity, but nor should you be demanding an ultimatum just "because" you want it your way or no way. You MUST follow through with them though, just like in an intervention when people give the person consequences if they do not accept treatment, you can't backtrack on it. It's easy to say sometimes "negotiate a settlement" but I have seen where that does not work well, where things go on as the status quo. If you make an ultimatum, it is a last straw, should only be used as that final step after attempts at communication and resolving the issue, and must be both acceptable, reasonable and you must follow through.

 

I have however seen them used rather haphazardly, or have not followed through - and the same ultimatum is given over and over. I also think giving one to "marry me or get out" within 3 months of dating is really, really selfish and a surefire way to push someone away.

 

On that note, I think also saying "either stay with me or we go NC" is also not the proper use of one, that leans more towards controlling and being selfish then setting up boundaries.

[nottoogreen]

When building a relationship: Never, just run fast.

 

Otherwhise concur with previous posters along the lines "as a last resort".

[Skippy]

oh yeah

You should not have to use too many ultimatums. If you do, you are in the wrong relationship!

I believe that in a relationship, you are given the privilege of having 2 ultimatums. Use them wisely, use them well.

[opticnurve]

Hi, new to the forum!

 

Personally, I think ultimatums should only be used as a last resort and only after real effort at negotiation and civil discussion has failed to solve the situation. A friend of mine had been ignoring me for no good reason and it continued for about a month. After really trying to reason with her that I had done nothing wrong to her, I finally broke and delivered an ultimatum: if she didn't stop this, we're going to stop being friends.

 

It was the first time I stood up for myself through out the whole situation and it actually broke through to her. She realized she was "being an idiot" (her words, not mine) and had no good reason to ignore me and all was good.

 

So to me, ultimatums are just another tool for resolution; you use the right tool for the right situation and things will most likely get fixed. But in most situations, it would be the last thing to try. When delivering the ultimatum, be sure to the the other person that you have tried everything in your power to fix things but it doesn't seem to be working and that you have no choice left.

 

Sure, ultimatums CAN be selfish but sometimes you need to be.

[JustNormal]

I would just leave her...except for the drugs thing that doesn't bother me very much.

 

Drugs bother me and I am too motivated and type A to consider inflicting that on myself or my immediate or future family.

 

Instead of ultimatums why not a negotiated settlement? Where both people can state their case and come to a compromise (hint, a compromise is an agreement where neither side is happy with the results).

 

hehe.. That's quite funny. No. I'd rather be alone and happy. But it's a nice thought... I think.

[Momene]

I think sometime it's fair to ask your partner where you see the relationship heading. I'd say at the 6 month stage it is but then if you're both young and there's study involved, you can't really commit to long term plans.