heather33 Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 I would first like to apologize for this being my first post. I have been struggling with this situation with no one to talk to and I stumbled accross this web site and I just need some advice. I am 30 years old and a stay at home mom of three wonderful girls. I have been married for 9 years and have been with my husbland for 4 years before that. I recently met another man who is also married that I was incredibly attracted to. He called me, emailed me and I ended up having sex with him. I had never been with anyone other than my husband before. I have never even considered cheating, I was just so tempted and I did it. This lasted about a month and I have since told the other man I can't see him ever again, but I want to. I am a stong Christian, but have felt far from God since this all began. I love my husband very much and I don't want this to affect our relationship. We were going through a very stressful time, he had recently changed jobs and we moved into a house that needed a lot done to it and I was the one doing it. I know that doesn't justify my actions, I just can't imagine what came over me. I don't know how to get back to normal b/c this other man has invaded my thoughts and feelings. I know I screwed up. Advice please!!! Link to comment
avman Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Well heather, welcome to the forum. At least you realize that you made a bad mistake. Now you have to go about setting things right. If you are a strong Christian, then you need to ask God's forgiveness for what happened. He'll give it, if indeed you are truly sorry. Talk to your pastor, priest, or minister about this and get some counseling. You are not the first person to have this happen so they will understand. You've cut the other guy off and that's good. You mustn't take his calls, emails, or see him anymore. That's going to be essential to putting your marriage back together. Link to comment
DN Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 I agree with avman and now you should concentrate on putting right the things that were lacking in your marriage that led you to behave like that. Link to comment
JJRadical Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 30-9+4=17. You got married when your 17...thats young...too young...you didn't experience whats out there...sooner the divorce the better...millions of people make it work with kids...you can too... Link to comment
southerngirl Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 30-9+4=17. You got married when your 17...thats young...too young...you didn't experience whats out there...sooner the divorce the better...millions of people make it work with kids...you can too... I disagree. She has 3 kids and a husband who loves her. What she has said here doesnt indicate she should get a divorce. She should try to save her relationship. Heather, Welcome to the forums here. YOu did right in cutting this guy off, like avman said perhaps you should look into getting yourself some help and fixing things. You sound like you sincerely regret what you have done so that is the first step. Now you just need to keep going on this road. Good luck, I would say though that you should not tell your husband.. if you are truly sorry and he doesnt know dont rock the boat. Link to comment
JJRadical Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 ...don't tell the husband...then go through life living a lie?... ...should i live my life a lie could i be less alive-Danzig Link to comment
heather33 Posted June 11, 2006 Author Share Posted June 11, 2006 Just to clarify, I got married at 21 right out of college, but I had been dating my now husband since I was 17 and had never had sex with anyone else before him. My main problem is the thoughts I keep having about this other man. Should I tell my husband? How do I get this other man out of my head now that he is out of my life? Link to comment
Spectre22 Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Just to clarify, I got married at 21 right out of college, but I had been dating my now husband since I was 17 and had never had sex with anyone else before him. My main problem is the thoughts I keep having about this other man. Should I tell my husband? How do I get this other man out of my head now that he is out of my life? get a divorce, your husband deserves better, its that simple. If you cant get the other man out of your head then date him. But dont stay with your husband, he doesnt deserve it and its just selfish. Link to comment
Oldboy Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 I have to agree with Spectre22. The same thing was done to me. Let me ask you a question: I'm sure you will be asked this by your husband and maybe you can give me an idea why it happened to me: "why". It takes a thousand steps to sleep with another who is not your spouse. In every one of those steps you could have turned around. And how can you say you love your husband... help me out here please. Link to comment
Spectre22 Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 See I refrained from asking her how she can claim she loves her husband, because now we're going to presented with a number of excuses, varying from "I was lonely" to "i needed attention" or "he neglected me" stuff like that. Heather-you do not love your husband, not in the way a wife loves her husband, not in the way you should. You love him in the same manner a female praying mantis loves her husband. Link to comment
heather33 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 Oh man, I am feeling bad. I don't have any excuses. It was a completely selfish decision. I wanted to be with the other man. He was exciting, new and made me feel good about myself. I know I made a terrible mistake, I just want to fix it. I do love my husband very much. I know it is partially selfish to not tell him, but I also don't want to hurt him like that. I know you are thinking I should have thought of that before I did it, I agree. But now, after all the decisions I have made, where do I go from here? Let me remind you that I also have 3 little girls who love mommy and daddy very much. Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Heather, no way some guy makes you cheat on your husband as long as you are remotely happy. Me thinks the underlying problem is in the relationship with your husband. Please tell us more about your relationship with your husband. Link to comment
sddeaston Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 get a divorce, your husband deserves better, its that simple. If you cant get the other man out of your head then date him. But dont stay with your husband, he doesnt deserve it and its just selfish. I have to agree. There is no excuse for that. Why would you do that, then wonder what you should do. Yes, you have used the EXCUSE that you have daughters, and they love mommy and daddy...but, to me, that sounds like you are trying to put the weight of the situation on his shoulders too. Yeah, you are right, the girls would be hurt if, say, a divorce took place. But, who would have caused that? Not him. No matter what, he deserves to know the truth about what is happening in his life. It is up to him if he could give you another chance. You would have to deal with it if you were the one who hurt the girls..not him. So do the right thing, cuz you seemed to have not been able to do that once already, and tell him. Who knows, maybe his is crazy, and he will give you another chance...and for telling him, you would be relieved and able to then start the re-building of trust. Which will be hard. Just my 2 cents. Link to comment
avman Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 As I mentioned before, I suggest getting some counseling (even prior to discussing this with your husband). You need to have a better understanding of what you feel your marital issues are and why you strayed. Link to comment
Spectre22 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 It was a completely selfish decision. If you know this then why is it even a question of if you should tell him? I do love my husband very much. I know it is partially selfish to not tell him, but I also don't want to hurt him like that. I know you are thinking I should have thought of that before I did it, I agree. But now, after all the decisions I have made, where do I go from here? Let me remind you that I also have 3 little girls who love mommy and daddy very much. No, its not partially, its completely 100% selfish, among various other things I care not to mention. You don't want to hurt him? you already have, everyday he stays with you not knowing? you make him look like a * * * * * * *. Where do you go from here? simple: Tell your husband, then take it from there. Let me remind you that lying to your husband now and him finding out later on will surely mess up your kids more than you two simply getting a divorce, and bottom line: this aint about your kids, its about your husband. You messed up, you cant hide behind children to make it better. If you dont fess up your husband and your children will end up resenting you, ponder that thought. Plus, its not like the kids know mommy cant keep her hands to herself. Wouldnt you want your husband, the father of those children you bring up so much, to be happy? instead of keeping him trapped in your marriage by not being able to tell him the truth? come on now, atleast act halfway decent to the man Link to comment
avman Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Spectre22 I think that is enough. She's admitted she made a mistake and is looking for advice on how to move forward. Berating her for the mistake she admits she made is not helpful. Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 sddeaston and spectre22, by the rules you both are right. I do not think that heather and her husband - not to mention their kids - have much of an idea about what went wrong beyond heathers infidelity which is wrong and is only the tip of the iceberg. I do not see heather defending herself here, or making excuses, as this is not a court. She is here for help, and help she shall get. I like in order of priority to a) Understand and resolve relationship issues, b) prevent recurrence, c) save this family. Whether this will work, I don't know, but I will try. Now we have to open up what is already known deep inside and guide heather and her husband to resolve these issues, hopefully leading to a happy end. As avman said, counseling is in order, I add, whether here or there, and I add preaching is not in order, as it is way too late. Now I wait to hear the whole story from heather. Link to comment
Oldboy Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Heather, my advice to you would be to do what is necessary to save your children from being blighted by this episode in their lives. Focus on saving them even if you have to lie to them just now until you and your husband have sorted this between you and hopefully it becomes water under the bridge. You know you have done wrong and are sorry. Tell your husband. Be truthful about your feelings for him. Tell him the truth and if you are sorry; show him. If you are afraid of what his reaction will be then be prepared. I can tell you truthfully that I thought I would have the same reaction to an affair that I think perhaps you fear. What I mean is as a man you think that you will do the macho thing and "throw her out" but until it happens to you will never know what your reaction will be. The initial reaction may vary between different people but after the shock is gone you are left with the one thing.... pain. This is what to expect and I think you know this but you must do the right thing and tell him. Save your children from the pain of seeing their parents break apart. Ask forgivness and if it comes then sort out the deeper reasons. You can both work it out for the sake of the children. Good luck. Link to comment
Spectre22 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Spectre22 I think that is enough. She's admitted she made a mistake and is looking for advice on how to move forward. Berating her for the mistake she admits she made is not helpful. she isn't looking for advice on how to move forward tho, unless you and I read entirely different posts, in her latest reply she says she still hasn't told her husband, and is using her kids as an excuse for us to go "hey, dont tell him" Im not berating her for her mistake, im berating her for trying to use the "i have kids" bs as a loophole not to tell her husband, and she all the while claiming she knows it is selfish yet still saying she doesnt know if she'll tell him. I gave her advice: tell the husband. When you begin to look for loopholes to get out of said advice, its annoying. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Spectre, as well as for sddeaston, I don't even see why you guys are even here wasting time if you're not even gonna give advice other than be so straight forward, it's not that simple!!!!!!!!!!!! And telling isn't gonna always be the advice!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
yeawutever Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 She did admit to her mistake, as for the original poster, just forgive yourself. Don't mention this to your husband as it'll do no good but how about seeking couple counseling (off course he doesn't have to know anything about the cheating), that way it'll prevent you from repeating it again. Link to comment
heather33 Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 I am really not trying to hide behind my girls. I made a terrible mistake, now I want to make the best decisions possible given my bad mistake in the past. People make mistakes all the time and have to live with them. I am willing to do that, I just want to do what will be best for everyone involved now. I KNOW I was selfish, I KNOW I screwed up, I just don't know where to go from here. I don't have any excuses on why I cheated. I really liked this guy, we were put together in a professional setting and he just made me feel so good that day. My husband and I had been having a hard time, we had been living with my parents for 10 months waiting on a house to be built, during that time my dad was diagnosed with cancer and my mom suffered depression. My husband dealt with it all by escaping through work and a side business that we have as much as possible. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn't hearing me. I just felt emotionally neglected. The sex has always been really good for us, and that never suffered. I just don't think that feeling neglected is a reason for acting like I did. This other guy told me I was beautiful, he listened to what I was interested in, he really liked me for me and it just seemed like so long since someone has seen me. I am a stay at home mom and we moved away from all of our friends, I fell into a trap of making myself feel good. My husband has since come back to me in a sense. We are in our own home, my dad is in remission and things are better. I just don't know how to deal with my terrible mistake. Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 ... I just don't know how to deal with my terrible mistake.Firstly, at this time, do not tell him anything. He does not need to know. It was venting, it was wrong and getting the problem into the open allows you to resolve it, for the greater good of saving the family. I had posted: like in order of priority to a) Understand and resolve relationship issues, b) prevent recurrence, c) save this family. We want c), the priorities seem reverse because we have to resolve the cause a) in order to be successfull with b), resulting in c). Heather, you have to put most effort into a), please tell us more about your relationship and him. Me thinks there is much info missing about what bothered and hurt you and likely him too. Link to comment
heather33 Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 Okay, here goes. I feel like my husband is my soul mate. I met him when I was a senior in high school and quite honestly there has never been anyone else for me. We have had a lot of fun and great times together and really no terrible bumps in our relationship. We have three beautiful children and he is an awesome father. The biggest problem is the amount of responsibility I am shouldering. I am a stay at home mom, I do all the housework, shopping (food and clothing) pay the bills, cook, laundry. All the things most stay at home moms do. I am also responsible for %90 of the child care. He helps me give them a bath and put them to bed sometimes, but maybe 50% of the time. He makes me feel like his job is so important that I can't rely on him if I need someone to watch the kids while I do something (like get my hair cut) He is in sales and his schedule is fairly unpredictable. He also doesn't do things when I ask him to. (IE we have been in our house for 7 weeks and his clothes are still in boxes.) He is very busy and we also have side business that takes a lot of time. He was really escaping when we were living with my parents. I have talked to him a lot about this and it is getting a lot better lately. The other problem is that I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant with our 3rd baby (80 lbs) It took me 2 years to lose it but now I am back down to 115. It just seemed like he didn't care and didn't appreciate it and here I have this other man telling me how amazing I look and how beautiful I am. I know I should appreciate that he really didn't care, but I worked hard to get back and I want him to recognize that. He is doing a lot better in that category too, now that I am being pushy and making him realize how he has been treating me. My problem is I am too nice about things. I should tell him that it really bothers me when he leaves at 7 o clock in the evening and doesn't get back until 10 because he is working on our second business. I need to tell him to take time for me and not spend so much time with our friends. But I don't because I want him to want to be with me. I don't want to have to tell him. That is as much as I can share in one siting. Link to comment
nottoogreen Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Heather, You consistently are the head of the household. You worked hard to reduce weight to a very pleasant value. You seem to have no spare time - friends. You want more of him. He had job problems adding to your burden. He is not very aggressive doing things that would relieve you. He has time for friends. He has not enough time with you. The message of your post seems that overall you feel not recognized and not satisfied by him. Correct? He just looks like a typical guy to me Positive is that he has and is improving lately on all fronts. Do you feel loved, respected, and cared for by him? (answer each) Do you feel sexually truly satisfied? Link to comment
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