Ex apologises 3 years later

[kate111]

My ex went off with another woman about 3 years ago. I have moved on and havce a new boyfriend. My ex has text messaged me approximately every 6 months to which I sometimes have answered sometimes not.

 

Yesterday he sent me a message apologising for his behaviour in the past.

 

Why would he do such a thing do you think?

[vesper]

Maybe he truly regrets how he behaved in the past and wants to get back together with you again. He realized that he let someone wonderful go.

[kate111]

But he is still with the other person he left me for, he knows I have a boyfriend and he is in another country for another few years. ie there is no chance of him getting back together with me.

 

I was thinking it could be because he is sorry and wants to resolve things with me out of guilt and so he can close that chapter of his life.

 

What do you think?

[vesper]

That is a plausible theory.

 

Are you willing to have that conversation with him? Are you ready to forgive and move on or is that chapter still open for you?

[friscodj]

I think he has something else going on and by apologizing to you, it makes him feel better about his current situation or state of mind. Like he's having a tough time and looking back on his life trying to find answers or something. I don't believe people just do things totally out of the blue, there is always a stimulus, large or small...

 

At any rate, I wouldn't read too much into it. Accept his apology and move on.

[Gracelove]

His relationship sucks and he wants you back.

Actually he probably doesn't even want you back, he probably just wants to make sure you aren't having a good life without him.

Been there before. I wouldn't respond other than to say, "I accept your apology". And that's it, no more conversation.

He probably just needs you to boost his ego.

If he can get you to even contemplate life with him again, and he's aware of that thinking, that will give him the biggest ego-boost ever.

I wouldn't give it to him. But then again that's just my opinion, based on my experience.

My ex thought he was God's gift to women. And couldn't believe that a women would reject his oppressive nature and dump him.

If you were in the same situation, definitely don't maintain communication, you won't regret it.

[PRSOV]

Kate111,

Just curious to know... Are you interested in getting back together with him or are you just wondering why he may be texting you?

[tough_girl]

Like others have mentioned, I think he might have looked back on his life and realized what he did wrongly. Usually, when people gropw older and wiser, they tend to regret things they have done in the past. So, I guess he might just be trying to set his past mistakes right.

 

Perhaps he still wants to be friends.

 

In my apologising experience, I apologised to a friend of mine 1 and half years after we broke up. I didn't want to have anymore awkward relationships and just wanted to be on good terms with a person I've shared so much with.

 

Perhaps, that might be the same thing he is feeling right now.

[Mr Mister1]

This reminds me of the Eels' song "I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart."

My money's on guilt. Maybe he doesn't want the fact that he let you down to be hanging over his head and he wants you to forgive him. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way a while after they do something awful.

[brando]

In a way it is a cool thing that he apologized for what he did. In puts him in a place of peace, and allows him to move on with his life. Most people may never even get that, just a fading memory of someone they once loved.

 

I wouldn't look further into it, or question it. Accept it.

[kate111]

Thank you for your kind replies guys.

 

I don't want him back and I never even think of him.

 

Its funny how even this small bit of contact is bringing up all the past hurt and feeling again. THIS IS WHY NO CONTACT IS THE ANSWER. It has been 3 years since we split, I am in love with a new guy and even this small point of contact has the ability to make me feel down again.

 

You would think forgiving him after all these years would help things not bring up hurt.

 

Why do I feel like this?

[brando]

Isn't forgiveness suppose to be for you????

 

im not sure why you still hurt, maybe your allowing it in some small way... what is that quote by Elanor Rooselvet...."No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"""

 

 

Maybe you have more healing to do and it has less to do with the ex contacting you....

 

just a suggestion...

[kate111]

so why then did I not give the ex a passing thought for the last year?

[majord23]

Thank you for your kind replies guys.

 

I don't want him back and I never even think of him.

 

Its funny how even this small bit of contact is bringing up all the past hurt and feeling again. THIS IS WHY NO CONTACT IS THE ANSWER. It has been 3 years since we split, I am in love with a new guy and even this small point of contact has the ability to make me feel down again.

 

You would think forgiving him after all these years would help things not bring up hurt.

 

Why do I feel like this?

 

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself here kate.

 

There are lots of events in my life (not just relationships) that I consider myself 'over' and healed from. But having said that, sometimes I will be reminded of them (it could be a person, a song, a place etc) and I'll get a pang of pain.

 

I don't think that means you've progressed less than what you thought you had - it's just that him contacting you has reminded you of a time that you were in pain....it's natural for that to stir some emotions and perhaps even have you revisiting that time.

 

An ex of mine is getting married in a couple of months - I have no desire to be with her, have forgiven her, am not upset that she's getting married and could happily have a conversation if she called. That's how over it I am.

BUT if she contacted me and apologised for the way she ended the relationship, I think it would certainly stir some emotions - and I would certainly be questioning her motives for doing so, so long after it ended.

 

It's natural IMHO.

[kate111]

Thanks Majord you are probably 100% right.

 

I was also thinking about something Friscodj posted about people very seldom doing things out of the blue. I now have a theory....

 

When my ex and I spilt we split because he went to another country and met somebody else and forgot to tell me until he came back months later.

 

3 years later he has text messaged me from another country to tell me he is sorry.

 

My theory is that he is still with his girl but she is not in this other country with him just yet. He is getting scared that she will do the same thing to him as he did to me.

[kate111]

What do you think of my theory?

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I agree with part of your theory, except the part of him being scared because I think it's hard to tell what's the feeling behind him doing what he did, I'm more prone to believe he feels guilty, maybe he even remembered "what goes around comes around" and is trying to run away from it, but, as other posters have said to you, it's not so important why he's doing it, it's more important how you feel about it.

 

If you want to tell him you forgive him do it, if you forgive him and don't want to tell him that's acceptable too, and if you don't forgive him I think it's best not to let him know.

[kate111]

How do I feel about it?

 

That depends on whether his text was made out of genuinely feeling bad about what he had done or whether it was centred around making himself feel better. I hope its the former but if its the latter then my feelings towards him remain the same.

 

I suppose the problem with text messages is that it is very hard to know how things are written. It is so mysterious and able to be misconstrued.

[stolenshadow]

I suppose the problem with text messages is that it is very hard to know how things are written. It is so mysterious and able to be misconstrued.

 

Exactly.

And normally I would say "unless he makes an effort with the apology ignore the lame attempts", but forgiving helps you and nobody else, maybe this is a good moment to try forgiving (not forgetting) what he did, you don't have to tell him, just do it within yourself.

[vesper]

Hi Kate, I have to agree with majord and say that you are being too hard on yourself, afterall you were let down by his actions in the past.

 

You don't have to force yourself to respond if you are not ready.

[fantasia2004]

That is a plausible theory.

 

Are you willing to have that conversation with him? Are you ready to forgive and move on or is that chapter still open for you?

 

Never mind asking her if she is ready, she should have already forgiven this guy from the minute he called.

 

Kate 111, Because you did not stoop to his level or beg for him back, just like you said he felt guilty and wanted to speak his peace with you so he can be free from the "guilt"

[kate111]

Thanks fantasia.

 

*hugs*

 

I don't like when he contacts me. It takes ages for me to get over it when he does it.

 

You think I should have forgiven him already?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sometimes things happen in people's lives that gives them pause to reflect on their behaviour in the past. Perhaps some crisis has occurred in his life (illness, death, brush with death, trauma, bad news, somebody not treating him right etc).

[kate111]

Yes that could be Crazyaboutdogs.

 

Mysteries can be so annoying. You just want to know what happened!

[fantasia2004]

Thanks fantasia.

 

*hugs*

 

I don't like when he contacts me. It takes ages for me to get over it when he does it.

 

You think I should have forgiven him already?

 

Forgive him regardless. If not, then you will forever tirelessly give him power and you will be so unhappy with negative thoughts. I read your advice. You are way smarter than this. So don't let me or others who look up to you down.