I've decided I want him back...

[pixie102]

It's a long story...but my ex-boyfriend from long ago is getting divorced. He contacted me about 2 months ago (after a year of no contact) and we've been hanging out since. He lives an hour away from me, but we manage to see each other when we can. He even went to a wedding with me. Our background is that we dated in college for about 2 or more years (on & off--an intense relationship) which he ended. But we remained good friends (w/benefits) up until he started seeing his soon-to-be ex-wife--then we remained just friends. I've known him for 8 years now. He was married for 2 and is in the process of a divorce. Nothing has happened (as far as physical--I've kept my distance in that way) since we've been hanging out. But after spending the weekend at the wedding with him...I've fallen for him all over again. Now, I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know if he would even want to be in a relationship with me again. It's doubtful...but I still have hope. And if that's wrong, I don't care. I cannot talk about getting back together with him to him, for one because he is in the process of a divorce and is in no place emotionally for a relationship--at least, that's what I think. I know I can only be a friend to him right--which I am. But, as far as in the future what can I do to get him back? Or should I only be his friend? Should I be dropping hints or should I keep it purely platonic for now? Has anyone gone through something similar??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hello pixie,

Be very very careful with this one. You had an on and off relationship with him in the past which eventually led to friends with benefits. His marriage only lasted for two years. Do you know the circumstances behind the divorce? He may have problems dealing with relationships and is only fine on a more superficial level. When you say that your relationship was intense, what do you mean? In the physical sense or emotionally? I would say be his friend as you have been but keep it platonic. You should not go back to friends with benefits again because that will just get you hurt. He is just getting divorced so you have to make sure you don't end up as rebound person. Yes, he may find someone else to date if you don't make your intentions clear, but he really is not in a healthy place right now to have a healthy relationship with somoene.

[Lady Bugg]

Hi Pixie

 

Since you guys are ALREADY good friends and have ALREADY been intimate...I think it's a good thing to distance yourself from him for the time being. Why? Because you don't want to be "friendzoned" OR the "friends with benefits girl"...it's imperative that he see you as potentially MORE than that.

How do you do that? You become elusive. Yes.....elusive. He should see you as a prize he HAS to have..not as a convenience to him. This may be hard to pull off, but NOT impossible. My suggestions:

 

Start dating OTHER men....even though your eye is on him. Make sure he KNOWS you're on the market and that you are out there having fun. Not pining for him.

 

Be there when it counts...but NOT all the time.

 

Have things going on in your life...or create things in your life.

Don't just be that "predictable" girl he's used to.

 

Be a challenge...SOMETIMES. As I said, be there when it counts.

Let HIM pursue you. Be mysterious. Just because you are great friends does not mean he should have access to you all the time.

 

If you know you might see him...dress extra nice...and always leave first.

 

These are just a few things....but I'm sure others will offer more tips.

 

Best of luck !!!!

[Scout]

I absolutely second what crazyaboutdogs just said. It's going to be a bit harder for you to follow, but is your only real chance of:

 

a) keeping the pressure off him which would make him bolt

b) keeping your self-respect and emotional wellbeing intact

c) give him pause for thought that you aren't falling all over him, and this will really come in handy if he decides he wants to date around a bit. Because whoever that person is will be his "rebound," not you. And when he's finished with the rebounds, then he'll be ready for something more serious.

[Scout]

And LadyBugg's advice is spot-on, as well. Listen to your sisters! We have an intuitive sense of what you need to do here.

[Lady Bugg]

Thanks Scout!!!! Good to see you!!

[pixie102]

Thanks for the advice! One more question though...he said he wants to get married again because he loved being married. The divorce was his ex's decision because she didn't want to marry him in the first place--yeah, I don't know. But the thing is, she was the rebound to me. She was the first girl he dated after me...see where I'm going with this? He can't date anyone else! Should I still keep my distance?

 

I will still make myself elusive in the meantime...

[Scout]

My advice still stands. It doesn't matter what he says at this point. Especially if SHE ended the marriage, he's going to be going through a lot of emotional turmoil no matter how cheery of a front he puts up. Do NOT get caught up in it - he needs to heal on his own timetable, and you need to not be the rebound. Which, for better or for worse, fate has put you in the position of being in if you aren't careful.

[Lady Bugg]

What do you MEAN he can't date anyone else?? My point about you being elusive is that he KNOWS you're there..otherwise why didn't he marry YOU instead of his ex?? So she was his rebound to you? That's HIS issue not yours.

 

Yes you should STILL keep your distance. In fact even MORE so now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, so he ended the relationship with you before, maintained friends with benefits with you until he met her and then married her. He says he likes being married and wants to marry again and that she ended the marriage because she never wanted to marry him in the first place. Something is not adding up. Has this man ever been without a woman in his life ("solid" relationship or friends with benefits). I would be very concerned about a man with his track record, in the midst of a divorce who is already talking about wanting to get married again. Perhaps there was a very good reason this other woman had reservations about him and then wanted out.

[Scout]

Has this man ever been without a woman in his life ("solid" relationship or friends with benefits). I would be very concerned about a man with his track record, in the midst of a divorce who is already talking about wanting to get married again. Perhaps there was a very good reason this other woman had reservations about him and then wanted out.

 

This is very important, because you want - indeed, you understandably need - someone to love you for you, not just as a figurehead female presense.

 

If ever there was a time in your life you needed to summon up every bit of willpower possible to act on logic and careful observation - instead of your emotions and desires - this is it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Scout and Crazyaboutdogs, I can understand the position the OP is coming from. She still has deep feelings for this guy that she dated from 8 years ago, to the point that she is still interested in him now that he is divorcing and has shown some interest in her. She wants to have a relationship with him and is willing to wait around so she isnt stuck as the "rebound" person. But she still is obviously interested in him and he seems interested in her.

 

I do agree with you that she should play somewhat hard to get, although I find Lady Bugg's advice kind of strict. Her advice would sound like it was for someone that liked a guy and he wasnt really into her. These two have had a past together and are somewhat like "friends", so playing the game of "not letting him have access to her all the time", "leaving first", "dressing well", all smacks of game playing.

 

Scout, as for you saying that she needs to know to know whether he likes her for her and not for some female figurehead presense, that is true, but they already know each other from the past so, it would not be just some "lady" that he just picked out of the blue to fulfill some part of his life. Besides, if they get together because they fill some part that is missing in their lives, that is not bad because they fill a need. Eventually, even with people that fill a need, we can come to get to know the person better and develop feelings for them.

 

I do think you guys are coming on a bit too strongly on the OP about being careful. She obviously cares for this guy and he cares about her too and if she fills a need for him (not a rebound) then why is that wrong? If she plays it right, the need that she fills for him, he might get to know her better, get to be a bit dependent on her, and a relationship can develop out of that.

 

I guess this thread just touched a nerve of mines. Right now I am at a point that I want a guy in my life, like my best friend. I fill a need for him and have always filled a need for him and that is part of why he needs me. I want so desperately to be needed by someone, by a guy, that I am at this point, I JUST DONT CARE HOW I DO IT. If I fill a need for a guy and he keeps me around and we stay together because of that, I am happy with that.

[Scout]

If I fill a need for a guy and he keeps me around and we stay together because of that, I am happy with that.

 

RW, based on many of your threads, you are not happy at all being in your present situation. Also, this is the guy who's gay and has a boyfriend, correct? I am not trying to come down hard on you, as you know, I've followed your story for some time and have tried to encourage you to start wanting more, rather than settling for less.

 

And that's what we're trying to help Pixie with here. No one is saying the guy doesn't care about her, but he is in the process of a divorce. He has a track record of pretty much always being part of a couple. There are some things she should look out for to protect herself.

 

I wish our advice was giving you pause for thought for your own tendency to settle for less than satisfying arrangements, rather than touching off your nerves. Because your threads clearly indicate you are very unsatisfied with your situation.

[Lady Bugg]

All due respect RW..but where is my advice "strict"? She asked how she can get him interested in a REAL "relationship" with her..and the advice I gave her was sound as far as I am concerned. She has NOT had a "real" relationship with him thusfar...they have had a FWB type relationsip....THAT is not a proper relationship. If she is as valuable to him as she thinks she is..he will will see her as the prize she is...and treat her accordingly. As long as she is willing to be his "pal" and sleep with him whenever the urge hits, then why bother making the extra effort? The reasons for my advice were to take him out of that comfort zone he is so used to......

[renaissancewoman101]

Lady Bugg and Scout, I am sorry if I offended you guys. It is just that her thread touched off a painful part of my life. I know how it is to like someone and watch that person go through another relationship and then when he is single again, to hope that you can have something/anything with that person.

 

Sometimes, I get that way, where I feel desperate that to me, anything is better than nothing. I guess I was transferring how I feel to the OP and answered her thread coming from how I was feeling about my own sense of failure when it comes to relationships.

 

Again, I am sorry if I came off as offensive or out to pick an argument.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have seen too many people get into relationships to fill a need, overcome loneliness, want someone to want them etc. They don't turn out very well. Relationships should happen when you are happy within yourself and satisfied with your life. Relationships should be about finding someone who adds to your already satisfying life. It should never be about finding someone to make your life whole and to fill a desperate need.

 

People who latch on to others out of a desperate need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and to feel loved and wanted, do themselves a disservice as well as their partner. We all want to feel loved for WHO WE ARE AS AN INDIVIDUAL, not for what void we can fill in our partner.

[Scout]

I wasn't offended, but I was concerned that your advice to essentially settle for whatever you can might encourage the original poster to make a decision that could be potentially disastrous for her.

 

And I know this is an issue you're grappling with in your present life. Loneliness and desperation really cloud our decisions and make us go with choices that only perpetuate the loneliness and desperation. So at some point, you really have to stop the cycle and stick to it. Something seems to be holding you back from doing this.

[pixie102]

See, for me, I'm at such a good point in my life as far as relationships are concerned. I've matured quite a bit in the past year, let alone since we were last together. I have a much healthier attitude and more life experience...I just wish we could fast forward to the point where he is over this divorce and is in a better mindset.

 

And Lady Bugg, just to clarify, we did at one point in time have a "real" relationship: committed to each other, thinking about our future, etc. It wasn't until after that ended, that we became friends with benefits. I'm not sure if that was clear or not.

 

And I haven't stopped dating in the meantime. Nor will I, unless he wanted to pursue something with me. Which is where my confusion lies...if he would want to or not. But, I guess it's too early to tell...

 

Thanks for your advice everyone, I will definitely take it all into consideration!!

[GottaLetItBurn]

I have seen too many people get into relationships to fill a need, overcome loneliness, want someone to want them etc. They don't turn out very well. Relationships should happen when you are happy within yourself and satisfied with your life. Relationships should be about finding someone who adds to your already satisfying life. It should never be about finding someone to make your life whole and to fill a desperate need.

 

People who latch on to others out of a desperate need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and to feel loved and wanted, do themselves a disservice as well as their partner. We all want to feel loved for WHO WE ARE AS AN INDIVIDUAL, not for what void we can fill in our partner.

 

 

I thought you idea to try in get him back was a bad idea, but now I'm not so sure. What makes you think you won't get tired of him again?

 

Seriously think about it, do just have some fantasy that you have made up in your head of what it's going to be like if you get him back? When really all it will be for him to come back to you is a quick fix, instant gratification and quickly get back to the way it was when you split up??

 

I think a relationship only really has one good chance to work, and once it's broken, it's broken. I do think you are right about what you just wrote.

 

That's some really good insight. Just really think about it, were things really that great the first time?