*very* uncomfortable thinking about me in his future

[thelostpoet]

Hello everyone, thanks so much for taking the time to read about my situation.

 

I'm 24 and my boyfriend of one year is 22 years old. He still lives with Mom and Dad, but is now at the point where he can move out and get his own place. I've noticed since he's gotten this job that he's been acting a little...odd. I knew there was something wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. A few days later, he finally told me what it was: he is scared to death of me moving in.

 

The weird thing is, I haven't been pressuring him about it! I could understand it if I had been like "Hey! I want to move in with you and have all your babies!" But I never did, he is paranoid even without me putting the pressure on him. So when I asked him to explain his sudden panic, he said he was afraid we were "losing our bond." That was news to me.

 

Then the conversation got stranger. He told me that he had been "thinking about seeing other people." He told me he had (I'm serious) had a dream about women he had been attracted to in the past and this is what made him begin to consider this idea. Needless to say, I'm pretty shocked at this point. I asked him if dating other people is what he really wanted to do, and he said no, he only wants to date me, it was just something he "considered...but didn't like the idea." I asked him why he would bother to tell me he was thinking that then, to which he said "Look, I was just trying to be honest in every way." I think if you don't "mean" it, you shouldn't say it, for some things just can't be taken back. When I asked him to explain how he could consider it if he didn't really want to, he said "I'm just feeling panicky. I feel like its all going so fast, and that you may be "the one" and you may be the last person I ever date." And I swear, for the whole two hours that "we" talked, that was the only half-way coherent thing he said, the rest was "I don't know" and "I'm just confused."

 

A day passes. I thought about how much I love him, but how unexpected and out of the blue this convo was. When he came over to talk, he seemed in such good spirits, almost like nothing had happened. He said I was the only person in the world for him, he loves me soooo much, and can't imagine life without me. But I am wary -- isn't that understandable? I began to wonder how I can live with such unpredictability and insecurity. I mean, if we were to go on the way we were (and....(here's the classic)...I thought we were happy), I'd be worried all the time that I'm not enough for him. After all, if he feels this way now, at 22, without me putting any pressure on him, then how will he feel five, ten years from now? Am I supposed to really believe that suddenly his "panic" is really over? I have a feeling it doesn't work that way, but could be wrong.

 

So the next day I told him (while my heart was breaking) that I thought maybe he should try it, maybe he really should just go out there and see what its like, to date other people. His reaction, once again, was unexpectedly odd. He acted like he couldn't believe I'd seriously suggest such a thing, said he felt sick, and pretty much bolted out the door.

 

So now I'm asking all of you...what do you make of this? Did I overreact? I don't even know how to approach this anymore. And asking him how he feels is of no use...he only says he's "confused." And that's it. That's why this post is under "rel communication" and not "rel commitment." He throws all this stuff at me, then shuts down and won't tell me why. To make matters worse, he gets VERY chilly when I try to tell him how afraid, insecure and miserable all this makes me feel. In some ways that is the worst, how he can say all this, take it back, then be cold. What should I do? I'm at a loss.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

hmmm...it doesn't look good to me. No, I don't think you've over reacted. You've been seeing the guy for a year, and all of a sudden he informs you he's looking to see other people and all that, and you didn't even provoke him. So sure it seems pretty reasonable that that would upset you.

 

I don't know what to say. Maybe he's just going through a spell, or maybe he's changing. Keep your eye on it, and I recommend if he continues to pull away that you respond in kind, even if that means letting it go completely. It's best not to cling to someone who's pulling away from you.

[RayKay]

Hmm, I will be honest with you, I am not so sure I like the sounds of this.

 

It shows it is at least in his thoughts.

 

My last ex would do similar stunts, told me he could see me in his future, being the "last girl" but he was not "ready for that" blah blah blah and all these metaphors about paths diverging in the woods and meeting again later. Like you, it made me feel insecure and stressed (and with good reason).

 

He too brought it up similarly.....even though we were not planning on moving in at that point. All of a sudden he was saying I wanted more commitment then he wanted (huh?) and all that. I really don't know to this day where it came from - it was just his way of pulling out of the relationship and finding reason to break it off.

 

I am not saying that this means things are going to go kaput, I would just suggest that you may find he flits back and forth like this a few times, as the urger strikes him. And of course when you want to talk about it, he will likely shut down and blame you for just being insecure and silly.

 

Be careful, and cautious. After a year, I think he should know whether he wants to be with you or not. My guess is now that the honeymoon period is coming to a close, he is wondering what he really wants and whether he wants this relationship or what not.

 

Give him some time and space to sort things out for the moment, but don't put your life on hold either for the next 5 years while he is wishy-washy. There are other great men out there whom will definitely know they want you, and let you know it too.

[BillyJean714]

Sounds like manipulation to me.

 

It's very convenient to say, "I want you to see other people." What about him? Are you sure it wasn't his intentions to cover up for something that he did and now he feels guilty for it?

 

Sounds to me, he's not telling you what you need to know. There's a lot more behind the story than just your casual, "I think, I'm not sure you're the girl for me..I think you should see other people."

 

He's not being open/honest to you. Why not cut your losses and move on? Doesn't sound like he's quite that into the relationship, because if he were, then there wouldn't be any doubt in his mind that "you are the one" for him. He knows that by now. Don't let him weasel his way around it. No playing games. Tell him to get to the point.

[arwen]

When I read your story, at first it seemed like he was being honest, and trying to explain how he felt. But halfway, I started to get the impression that he is really NOT telling you what is actually going on. I have been there with my ex. Exactly this kind of wishy-washy behaviour, being in good spirits one moment, being very confusing the other. Argh. When he broke up with me, he told me, yes, we would see if we'd still end up together etc, but he needed less commitment, etc etc.

 

I might be wrong, but he is young. It sounds silly, but at this age, a difference of two years (for a man to be younger) CAN be a lot. Does he have friends who have no commitment, and did he date a lot of girls before you? He might want to feel unattached under the influence of his peers who might not be committed.

 

Still, that doesn't take away that this is horrible for you to deal with. Please don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want the same out of the relationship. After a year, this is a common thing to happen. We step of our loveydovey cloud and start picturing the long term future with the present partner. I remember with that particular ex, that the future would scare me, and that although I was pretty clingy with him, and didn't want to lose him, I wasn't really happy. I suggest you take a look at YOUR view on things. Being as they are, would you take the risk of this happening again (because the odds are that he will move between wanting to commit and wanting freedom)? If so, make sure you tell him what bothers you, but also try to give him space if he needs it (and more importantly, if YOU can afford it).

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Dannysgirl]

at first it appeared to me that he thinks you really are the one but is now panicking that he hasn't slept with 'enough' people and needs to do that before you two settle down and he loses his chance. Lots of men worry about this when they settle down with someone but few of them will act on these feelings and will actually break up with their girlfriend about it, so in that case are you REALLY the one?

If I were you I'd tell him that you are not going to wait around while he gets his 'I haven't slept with enough people oh woe is me' BS off his chest.

I'm sure that somebody who REALLY wanted to be with you would not even be thinking these thoughts especially at this stage.

[nottoogreen]

He got a job, "matured" and want's to try new things.

 

He may be confused, but the way he acts, he does not want to be closer with you and leans towards moving on.

 

Don't pressure him, wait and see.

 

While it is sad and painful that you are in this situation, this situation also gives you the opportunity to evaluate your relationship from a longer term perspective.

[monkey1]

My boyfriend has brought up "Oh, how would you like us to live together?" mind you we're in a ldr right now. Even though I can see myself with him, getting married, having kids and so on, moving in is like being married. It's a major thing to move in with someone who you're in a relationship with.

 

Obviously, don't move in together. I think he is scared. I mean you said he was living with his folks at the time and now he's just becoming independent. And yes I can see how if the other person throws in your face "er, I think I want ot see other people, but I think you're the one." can make you feel uneasy. But I think he's just confused right now.

 

If this is his first serious relationship, it's probably scary for him. If you really love him and think it can work, just give him some space to figure out what he wants to do. I think it's best if he doesn't want to date other people, you both should just continue dating each other and NOT move in. If you don't feel like he's going to commit to you and he may go out with other people, then you should move on. Sometimes a year isn't enough for people to figure out what they want when they're in a relationship. I'm 24 and I don't want to move in with my boyfriend.

 

Things only work out if people are willing to stick together and give each other space and time to figure things out and feel strongly about each other. If one person is confused, give them time to sort out their feelings and then proceed.

 

Life's confusing when you get into relationships.

[thelostpoet]

Wow, thanks everyone who read and who responded. I really appreciate these words of wisdom, from such varied points of views and experiences.

 

For the moment, I'm going to try to make this work. I will give it my best shot. If things don't work out and I still get this strange "vibe" I've been getting, I suppose I'll have to move on. Its so sad, how all ths happened overnight and now I barely recognize our relationship. No putting the genie back in the bottle, but still, I can at least try to work with what I have. I've been on the verge of giving up before (granted, not as much as I am now), and have always been glad I stayed in the long run.

 

Someone asked if he had dated other people before me. He's only been in one other relationship, which didn't really teach him much. He also attended an all-male high school, which I know doesn't help with his communication with me. Another thing is that his parents made it a point not to get married and have kids until they were in their mid-30s. Nothing wrong with that, but I think thats a major reason why he is SO paranoid about anything that smacks of "commitment." My family, on the hand, thinks that you are nothing unless you have "a man to take care of you." Even though I think this is rubbish, I can't help but wonder if thats why I get so panicky whenever I feel a relationship of mine is changing or perhaps coming to an end. Oh well, thats another topic for another forum.

 

Anyways, like I said, thanks again for your help. I'm sure I'll be back again soon.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I am with the ladies here and I will say yes, I would be very careful with this one. I also agree with there is a BIG piece of the puzzle he is not telling you. His behavior is a bit odd. I have first hand experience with persons whom let the cat out of the bag a little bit in order to distract me from the entire truth or not to suspect something more.

 

I feel this is the case here. I had a similar experience with an ex of mine. After we broke up, he went around telling people that I was pressuring him for marriage, kids, that I was mean, NOT TRUE AT ALL!! I only spent one night at his house while we dated. I had no idea where all that came from. So, I would be careful and be weary of what is going on and brace yourself for anything.

 

I wish you the best and that everyone works out. Take care.

[nottoogreen]

For the moment, I'm going to try to make this work. I will give it my best shot. If things don't work out and I still get this strange "vibe" I've been getting, I suppose I'll have to move on. Its so sad, how all ths happened overnight and now I barely recognize our relationship. No putting the genie back in the bottle, but still, I can at least try to work with what I have. I've been on the verge of giving up before (granted, not as much as I am now), and have always been glad I stayed in the long run.

By all means, hang on as much as sensible. It' hurts, but if you can understand what's behind his thinking, it will help you put it behind you.

How close are you and him? Does he have male friends closer to him than you?

 

I learnt to have buddy talks with my gf who is also my best friend. We can talk as buddies (without lovers selfishness) about things one might not talk to lovers.

 

I ask, because it's positive he opens up, could you have a buddy talk with him?, if so tell him you want to have a buddy talk and you both open up. It actually may bring you closer together - but remember lovers selfishness is strictly prohibited

Someone asked if he had dated other people before me. He's only been in one other relationship, which didn't really teach him much. He also attended an all-male high school, which I know doesn't help with his communication with me. Another thing is that his parents made it a point not to get married and have kids until they were in their mid-30s. Nothing wrong with that, but I think thats a major reason why he is SO paranoid about anything that smacks of "commitment." My family, on the hand, thinks that you are nothing unless you have "a man to take care of you." Even though I think this is rubbish, I can't help but wonder if thats why I get so panicky whenever I feel a relationship of mine is changing or perhaps coming to an end. Oh well, thats another topic for another forum.

Guess the "golden" middle ground is halfway between his and your families way...

 

Going through this may well bring you closer together. Be patient and talk a lot together. And do not worry.

[Siriana]

In my opinion he's too jung for serious relationship - you are older and more mature. 2 year age gap is not something to ignore in your age. So, he's now ready to try something new, grass is greener on the other side.....want's new experiences etc.

So, I think you it would be wise to give him space - by braking off with him and findings someone older who is more mature and who has more experience.

[Beyondthesea]

How are things going now?

 

Personally I don't trust him...something isn't right. Is he seeing someone else already, or does he have his eye on someone else?