Lack of trust and snooping...

[sara_0562]

Well Thanks for everyones advice. I was feeling pretty good about everything until he replied TODAY!!! He didn't say weather he would like to meet or if he was single or not all he said was:

"Hey hows it going. All is good hear. So tell me about "XXXXXX" (the place i claim to be from)"

I dont know what to think of this. Im very upset that he replied....

[whatchamacallit]

Sara, I too have done what you're doing and it hurts to find that he takes the bait. It's hard to maintain composure when you're around him knowing what you know. What are you going to do with this information? Would you ever confront him? What if it gets worse?

 

I am still using a fake person to find out stuff I want to know. My s/o and I have agreed to be exclusive to each other. He told me...no talking to other men. But a few days after he told me that, he was on the dating site and online asap. But, how can I confront him without letting him know what I did?

[sara_0562]

Well I dont think i could ever come out and tell him exactly what i did. I told him tonight that i saw his profile and noticed his status was set to "single". He said he jkust hasn't changed it! Which was the response i thought he would say. I asked him if he talkes to women on there. And he said "NO i never even go on that site very much." Which is a lie because he replied to my message and it says right on the page the last time the person logged in...and it was today! So he lied to me alot. Hes turned it around on me getting mad at me about not trusting him. Even though i know he lied! Im in such a bad situation...i should have listened to all of you and stopped before it got to this point. He said were going to talk when he gets home from work which is in 10 min so i should get off here now. I will let you all know what happens!

[melrich]

Yes sorry to say sara you have gotten yourself into a situation. The only thing you can both do now is lay it all on the table, both sides, and see if you can't start again. It will be hard after what you have done to each other.

[nottoogreen]

Sara, I too have done what you're doing and it hurts to find that he takes the bait. It's hard to maintain composure when you're around him knowing what you know. What are you going to do with this information? Would you ever confront him? What if it gets worse?

You will get worse and colder and uptight and when you with him he will feel that and question your feelings in his mind in turn possibly doing something stupid.

 

I am still using a fake person to find out stuff I want to know. My s/o and I have agreed to be exclusive to each other. He told me...no talking to other men. But a few days after he told me that, he was on the dating site and online asap. But, how can I confront him without letting him know what I did?

All you accomplished is that you started a vicious circle which will destroy your relationship.

 

Please think about his feelings too as there are _two_ of you and put your energy _into_ the relationship!

 

If you want to know him talk to him. Also work on a more satisfactory sexlife for yourself (you are not satisfied aren't you).

 

My replies to sara apply to you too, no need to be in her situation

[doyathink]

If you are looking for honesty from him than you yourself need to be honest with him and tell him what you did and why you did it.

 

I hope it all works out well for you both! Good luck.

[sara_0562]

Ok well he has been replying to "me" with general questions like what do you do? do you go to school? tell me about your state...etc? I guess innocent things. But i know these innocent things can turn bad very fast.

 

I talked to him about his status being single and he gave a bad excuse. Now my question is should i ask him why he still hasn't changed it to "in a relationship" (which would stop any girls from talking to him including "me"), or should i just leave it be and see where this goes. See if he gets more involved with his messages?

 

I guess im getting extreamly paranoid...but as long as I keep finding little lies im not going to stop. Im questioning him weather or not he went to school in California for 2 years like he claims. Just wondering if theres anyway of finding that out on the internet? I know im getting a little crazy....i just cant handle people lieing to me and i have to know the truth....

 

Thanks

[nottoogreen]

1. Look at what you wrote above, and open your feelings...

 

2. Imagine being him and holding you, being together with you.

 

3. What do you feel.

 

Please do not claim that you are such an actress that you would not feel something going down.

 

We all argued with you already, so no need to repeat that.

 

It is good you talk to him about his relationship with you and understand his feelings.

 

Your feelings above will not make it work, sorry please let go and enjoy your time with him.

[syborg]

Im with Sara on this

 

She may be going crazy and it may hurt her, but hell, she's getting more truth about her bloke than he's letting on. She ahs proved he chats to other girls, PROVED he makes up excuses.

 

Sara, you have got this guy by the balls. Find out all you can, but BE PREAPRED TO GET HURT, thats the best advice. We all want to be a "fly and the wall" when our partners tak to their friends about us. You ahve gone one better so you can find out ANYTHING.

 

He's claiming to be single, he's chatting online, so, us your spy tactics wisely and take as much evidence as you can. This is spying, this is entrapment and why do I condone it ? I condone it cos if your B/F was INNOCENT then you woudln't resort to such tactics in the 1st palce. The situatons others create, often determine our actions.

 

Good luck and NAIL him till he squirms.

[Daddy Bear]

sara, spell it out for me please...

 

has he lied to you about any of this?

 

did he agree never to look at porn?

 

have you asked him to change his myspace status?

[sara_0562]

He says he doesn't talk to girls on the internet. I found out he does by creating a fake profile

 

He says he doesn't look at porn very often. When I found out he does everyday when i asked him not to

 

He says his status is set to single cause he didn't think to change it because he doesn't go on the website anymore...when it says right on his profile the last time he logged in, which is everyday. I asked him to change it and he hasn't yet

[nottoogreen]

He says he doesn't talk to girls on the internet. I found out he does by creating a fake profile

 

He says he doesn't look at porn very often. When I found out he does everyday when i asked him not to

 

He says his status is set to single cause he didn't think to change it because he doesn't go on the website anymore...when it says right on his profile the last time he logged in, which is everyday. I asked him to change it and he hasn't yet

I think the majority here will agree that you are producing this act.

 

Please have a look at my previous post and answer it.

[Daddy Bear]

thanks for clarifying, sara. i'm sorry that things between you are not as honest and open as they could be.

[sara_0562]

Well he replied again to my fake online profile and this is what he said...

 

"hey its me agian i am just working in ****** right now i plan on going back to college at bsu in january i am staying with my girlfriend right now here in ****** which i love very much she is the greatest girl ever so caring and understand so ya thats whats been going on"

 

So ya..... i feel extreamly bad about everything after reading that. I guess i found what i was looking for. I guess he really does love me and wont cheat on me....unless he knew the fake profile was me! But i hate thinking that...theres no way he would know it was me.

[nottoogreen]

Well he replied again to my fake online profile and this is what he said...

 

"hey its me agian i am just working in ****** right now i plan on going back to college at bsu in january i am staying with my girlfriend right now here in ****** which i love very much she is the greatest girl ever so caring and understand so ya thats whats been going on"

 

So ya..... i feel extreamly bad about everything after reading that. I guess i found what i was looking for. I guess he really does love me and wont cheat on me....unless he knew the fake profile was me! But i hate thinking that...theres no way he would know it was me.

 

Yes, that's very sweet of him indeed. ... Unless ...

 

Sara, you did a 360 around that vicious circle, you still cannot be sure...

 

You are sort of back where you came from.

 

Hopefuly wiser

 

(donning asbestos suit)

[Bethany]

Sara ... You got what you wanted for your own peace of mind.

 

DON'T reply, just disappear.

[syborg]

Well he replied again to my fake online profile and this is what he said...

 

"hey its me agian i am just working in ****** right now i plan on going back to college at bsu in january i am staying with my girlfriend right now here in ****** which i love very much she is the greatest girl ever so caring and understand so ya thats whats been going on"

 

So ya..... i feel extreamly bad about everything after reading that. I guess i found what i was looking for. I guess he really does love me and wont cheat on me....unless he knew the fake profile was me! But i hate thinking that...theres no way he would know it was me.

 

BE CARFEFULL. He MAY have sussed out it was you but maybe not. Either way, if you "disapear" too quicly from the dating site, it may make him suspiscous so still pretend to show interest in him. If you vanish now after what he said, it makes it a bit obvious so ease off gadually.

[nottoogreen]

BE CARFEFULL. He MAY have sussed out it was you but maybe not. Either way, if you "disapear" too quicly from the dating site, it may make him suspiscous so still pretend to show interest in him. If you vanish now after what he said, it makes it a bit obvious so ease off gadually.

 

Hehe, heading for round 2...

 

Stop that BS, by what he wrote back he has anyway

 

Baby Girls

[RayKay]

I suggest you lose contact with him now. You found out what you wanted to "know".

 

Stop looking for more where there isn't, you are only creating a situation that does not exist. Even though he replied with glowing reports about his girlfriend (you), you still are questioning it...stop it! It is going to destroy the relationship if you keep this up.

[Daddy Bear]

if RayKay says it, it must be right. could you see yourself now accepting your bf's flaws and just taking him warts and all?

[sara_0562]

Hey everyone thanks for everyones replys about this whole issue.

 

I sent one last reply saying "he sounds like a good boy friend i hope she deserves you, because your type is hard to find" Im going to leave it at that because i made it appear in earlier emails that i was interested in him and now that he admitted that he has a gf im going to disappear i dont think thats very suspicious. Well thats the end of that. Im going to keep the profile active but just not send any more messages!

 

Thanks again everyone!!!

[Entomon]

Thank you nottoogreen for directing me to this thread.

 

I didn't read all of everyone's replies but here's my stance on the subject.

 

I too put myself in a situation where I assumed an identity to monitor my ex's online activities. You can call it insecurity or lack of trust but a certain action perpetrated by the s/o that deviates from the normal routine usually triggers the (my) intuitive sixth sense. My gut feeling is like my second set of eyes and ears and I've always trusted it (to some extent). And I would only play Sherlock if I had reasons to.

 

In my case, I had every reason. My ex and I met through an online dating site. When we met, I took my profile off while his stayed active. I didn't mind it at first that he was actively logging on but after he stood me up on a date without calling beforehand to let me know or the day after to explain himself, that's when I got suspicious. So what did I do? I took on a new identity and initiated contact with him via the dating site. Much to my surprise, he returned the email with his phone number and a suggestion for them to meet over coffee. That was enough validation for me. He was meeting (and possibly phucking) other women without my knowing. I never confronted him because I wanted to know how long he'll continue to lie to me. He lied through out our courtship and even after we have broken up, he still lies about every little thing. This guy, I learned, is a chronic and pathologic liar and has absolutely no conscience. Sad. Such a waste of a beautiful face and a great mind.

 

I felt bad for what I did but if I didn't I would have never found out and I'd still be his fool. Sometimes, when we are side-blinded by the thought of being in love, our gut is the only sane part of our autonomy.

[nottoogreen]

Thank you nottoogreen for directing me to this thread.

Thank you Sun Kissed, I see you like spicy and juicy dishes.

 

About Sara, the thread tells it all.

 

I keep on thinking how to address the trust issue in relationships but find it very hard to explain.

 

We all have experiences good and bad. Perhaps more bad than good. What I am interested in is how we affect our relationship by way of our feelings.

 

Our feelings are influenced a lot if not mostly by our insecurities. This one is interesting: I'm a cheater:

 

I am wondering how life would be without insecurities.

 

Let's say you are right about that guy you are dated. Obvious red flags are him keeping his profile, and missing a date and sheepishly calling you up.

In any case trapping and "convicting" him is the icing on the cake, it was not necessary.

 

Then I think, why is he like that, what would it take for him to change?

 

When you met him, you were interested, but obviously not trust him too much - this is fair enough. What I am wondering is if your defenses where high enough to be somewhat distant. He will have similar (or worse if he's a player) thinking.

 

So you both * * * * *cat about each other, your profile is off and you are sort of playing sitting duck waiting for him to screw up (and actualy making him with you - as we do not have proof what he did), he does not care anyway all the time not even bothering to turn the profile off as well as possible being with someone else.

 

I do not mean being easy for him, but being totally positive about building relationship. Could it be different if you would put your positive energy into him from day one?

 

He's gone assume he is just a player forget about him.

 

Could your way of thinking as above break the chance with a decent guy?

 

P.S this is not the same guy as in the same thread you came from, is'nt it?

[alyira]

Thanks notsogreen for pointing me here. I'm going to copy my post from my original thread ( ).

 

Alrighty...ironically enough I just posted on another board here earlier about something unrelated but related in a way. I thought everything was going perfect with my guy...

 

See, we met online, which is cool and all, so I knew he went to dating sites. But I have this horrible trust issue I am struggling to deal with. I was with a boy for 3 years who consistently cheated on me every chance he got, and was good at swearing his love to me up and down to soothe my suspicions. Long story short, I got cheated on with 6-7 diff women somewhere around 9 times that I'm aware of. Yay. The next boy I dated was a player. Oops. So yea, I thought I had finally settled into a good relationship, and still feel like I have, but...

 

I have SUCH a problem with reading his email. When we first got together, he gave me his email password as a sign of trust.. and I never * * * *ed around with it at all, put it out of sight and out of mind, until an incident happened in which I emailed him something and wasnt sure if it was going through because my net connection was wonky. So I figured, what the hell, I'll check and see if its there. And there was this flirty email from his ex that revealed they hang out and call each other. And I freaked. He was forthcoming about them hanging out, said it was never alone, etc, though I was still upset about HIM calling her. But, he's been honest to me from the start...so, the ex grates on my nerves, but so far shes stayed.

 

Since then, I have this huge issue. I can't stop checking his email It's embarrassing, and I know it's wrong. I did really great, a few weeks without looking at all and felt proud of myself that I hadn't peeked. Then, I caved awhile ago for no reason in particular, but didn't check his regular email. Like me, he has an email he uses for junk stuff to be sent to, and for some reason I checked that. He's signed up to several dating sites since before we got together, but it doesnt look like he reads those emails, so whatever. Till I noticed he WAS reading email from his Plentyoffish account, as recently as the 22nd.

 

Yea, it gets worse. I checked his Plentyoffish account. I know, I know I'm horrible, but o nce you get started, it's so hard to stop yourself! I hope someone else knows what I'm talking about, especially when theres a history of being cheated on. Anyway, I found out he says he's still single on that site, though he's listed himself as only wanting to "Hang out". I read his messages and there was a chick he knew on there from school, and he asked her to add him on MSN and said they should hang out some time. Not in a flirty manner or anything, just like that.

 

I'm in the wrong, I KNOW I'm in the wrong. I check his mail sometimes to reassure myself of his loyalty, which has been good so far, but then I find something like this to upset myself with. I have no right to check his mail , and no right to be upset, and no right to snoop... I'm trying so hard to trust dammit! But little things like that make me wonder, that and he wont NC his ex.

 

I dont know, I feel like a horrible gf right now, and know I'll feel so ashamed when he calls me later. I guess I just wanted to vent.

[lioness726]

Been there, done that. Which ones you ask? All of them.

I've assumed a "fake" identity to create entrapment or mostly to see how strong his feelings really were toward me. I've also snooped through e-mail, myspace, and what-not.

 

What I have to say is, it's WRONG. End of story. I know it's wrong, you know it's wrong, we all know it's wrong... No matter WHAT your reasoning may be.

 

However, it becomes an addiction. In a way we're doing a form of cheating. We're being sneaky, invading their privacy, proving to them (if they knew what we're doing) that they are likely to fail (basically calling them a failure), and they're not worthy of trust.

It is like a disease, and once you start, it is soo very hard to quit.

 

If you go by the thought that you think they're cheating or that they will if you try to entrap them, then you're already putting yourself in the most unhealthy situation. You already are chipping away at the foundation of your relationship. Even if he proves himself trustworthy, how do you feel in the end about what went down? How do you feel about yourself? Satisfied? Would you stop after that?

 

For me, I know I didn't stop. If you keep up that mentality, then you will continue to snoop, trap, or whatever until something actually does happen. And believe me, something will eventually happen if you, or anyone else for that matter, continues with this.

 

Sometimes you may find things that upset you but are in reality completely innocent. Then you get angry and worked up over nothing. AND you can't tell him what you did because you're proving to be unstable and untrustworthy yourself. Because of this you may become snappy, or mean to him, but you can't tell him why. That eats away at the relationship.

 

For example: I went through my bf's phone and found text messages from a female friend whom he slept with once, that he recently reconnected with. The texts were innocent but she told him that she would be online later and they would talk. I got mad (because I am very much the jealous type) but I couldn't tell him that I snooped. Now, I know it was innocent because his ex lives in another state WITH her bf and I saw pictures of the girl and to be honest, has let herself go, if ya' know what I mean.

 

However, I got angry and worked up over nothing and caused a fight later. This made me look NUTS because I can't tell him what I did!

 

Basically it boils down to letting go of this habit. Sometimes the snooping behavior can be attributed to things in our past or upbringing. Some people are just very cautious and suspicious by nature.

 

Mostly you just have to let go. It's hard to do this and just blindly trust someone, especially if they may have done something hurtful before.

But that's the whole thing about love and being in a relationship. You make yourself extremely vulnerable. For some people where they are vulnerable may be different. Some people can easily love someone and show it but they have a hard time with trust.

 

And as for the porn, not a big deal. It's extremely common AND healthy. I'm sure it makes you uncomfortable if you dwell on it, so my advice is: DON'T. These girls have NO significant attachment to your bf. He does NOT love them or even care about them. In all honesty, they're just pretty objects. (I'm not trying to degrade women, here.)

 

Honestly, I think porn is the best outlet for men. Anything else, IMO is wrong.

And about your bf's profile saying he's "single"- confront him about it. Ask him why it says he's single and tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable and not very significant. Let him know! And if he still doesn't change it... then you have a reason to get angry at him.

 

Basically, good luck. Cheaters are always revealed with time. And if you play your part of being the best gf you can be, it's not your fault if the relationship fails or he cheats. That just clears the path for someone more worthy of your greatness to come along.