guy likes girl, sleeps with girl, loses interest in girl....

[izzycat]

seriously, this is about a friend, not that I havent' been in a similar situation myself. My friend met a guy at a bar last week (she met him through me), and they instantly hit it off, left together. They met up again a few days later, flirted and danced all night, and then slept together and he spent the night. He didn't call her for 4 days, which is always a "red flag". Anyhow. He left a sort of vague message, saying nothing about having a good time, just "checking in". She then left him a message. Last night, I saw him (we hang out with a group of people every week) but she wasn't there. He approached me to ask about her.......he said "she's really nice", "we had fun" but my ex flame came into town last week, my head's all messed up, blah blah. He said, I'm gonna call her, I just don' t want a relationship right now. I told him to just be honest and direct with her and to call her.

She's of course, angry and disappointed......is this whole "ex flame" in town just some B.S?

Thoughts??

[Blue Skittles]

I think he was using her for sex. She should stay away from him.

[RayKay]

This is one of those good reasons to establish a relationship before sleeping with someone IF your intention is to have a relationship. That way either you form something before you do, or....you don't establish anything, but at least you did not sleep with them. Sex does NOT make a relationship happen, or guarantee one.

 

Now, I don't think it can be said one was using the other if they did NOT agree to have a relationship. But I do think they are on different wavelengths and should of probably discussed that before sleeping together.

 

Sounds like they may have had different expectations of where things were going. Maybe his ex flame is or isn't around, but either way, it shows he is not wanting to have anything serious with your friend. Or hey, maybe he is a bit hypcritical and does not want her now that she slept with him early. If that is case, your friend is better off without him if he is a hypocrite. Whatever the case, your friend should move on, this sounds like one of those things that could be a load of pain if she pursues it.

[kellbell]

IMO, he used your friend to get over the rough spots. It was messed up. So sorry this happened to your friend.

[AwdreeHpburn]

could be a bs excuse. Could be true. i'd give him the benefit of the truth but either way, you're friend should move on...

 

NEXT

[Batya33]

Unless they discussed expectations as far as a relationship if they were intimate then I do not see where he did anything wrong - she was a willing partner and didn't ask him any questions and he had no obligation to tell her what he expected to happen, if anything. She is not a victim as clearly if she decided she lost interest afterward she wouldn't owe him anything either.

[Dating Coach]

I don't see how anyone can conclude that this guy just wants sex.

 

He called her 4 days after the date. Big deal. They both played phone tag. Big deal. You saw him without her at a bar when he was hanging out with his friends. Big deal.

The only key part is that he is saying that he doesn't want a serious relationship. They only way that is a big deal is if he told your friend before hand that he wanted a relationship. Other than that, he is entitled to not want a relationship right now. I don't see the problem unless he lied to her, and you gave no indication of that.

[teacup]

i hate men that only want sex and are DISHONEST about it. hate that crap. it's okay to only want sex, but be upfront about what ur intentions really are from the beginning.

 

if the girl's okay with just sex. go for it. if NOT, find someone else, other girls who are.

 

but the dirtbags are the ones who lie, are dishonest, their intentions are #$%#$%!! the ones who say they want a relationship, are looking for love, want something real but who really just want sex.

 

GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

[izzycat]

in response to what diggity dog........i wasn't saying anything wrong about him being out without her.....she was thinking of dropping by, anyway. Women don't expect an instant relationship after sleeping with a guy, but guys should, assuming they are decent human beings, call a woman at the very least and be up front and honest about where there at, and not leave women agonizing and wondering what's going on. And 4 days is a long time, buddy, sorry. And his message he left her was VERY vague, he said nothing about having a good time or to see her again. He hasn't called her since she called him back a few days ago. Was he telling me all that about his ex etc. stuff he said so that I'd tell her and so he wouldn't have to call? He may not even call her at this point. I guess the whole issue is often, why do guys like the chase, and after sleeping with a woman, so often just end it there? Don't they want more sex at least, if not a "relationship"? And by the way, she is not saying she wants a relationship, just a little respect and consideration.

[moondog627]

i hate men that only want sex and are DISHONEST about it. hate that crap. it's okay to only want sex, but be upfront about what ur intentions really are from the beginning.

 

if the girl's okay with just sex. go for it. if NOT, find someone else, other girls who are.

 

but the dirtbags are the ones who lie, are dishonest, their intentions are #$%#$%!! the ones who say they want a relationship, are looking for love, want something real but who really just want sex.

 

GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

 

Not sure if you're trying to make a side-point or not but the OP never stated anywhere that the guy intended on having a relationship with this girl. When you're out having a good time it's not always necessary to be claiming where you stand, unless it's a big issue for you. And if it is a big issue for someone, then it should be brought up before there's sex. Also, it goes both ways. I've had the EXACT same thing done to me where I felt there was a real connection and maybe a possibility at a serious relationship down the road. But I was wrong, and I can't be mad at the girl because it was never discussed.

[kellbell]

That is what I had a qualm with, he did not have the guts to tell it to her face he was not looking for a relationship or even call her. He was counting on the orginal poster to tell her the news. He had his heart set on getting back with his ex the whole time.

 

I do not have anything against sex with no strings attached but geez show some respect and consideration.

[tylercdurden2004]

i hate men that only want sex and are DISHONEST about it. hate that crap. it's okay to only want sex, but be upfront about what ur intentions really are from the beginning.

 

if the girl's okay with just sex. go for it. if NOT, find someone else, other girls who are.

 

but the dirtbags are the ones who lie, are dishonest, their intentions are #$%#$%!! the ones who say they want a relationship, are looking for love, want something real but who really just want sex.

 

GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

 

Um then the girl should ask what the guy is looking for not assume:

 

1) He wants more.

 

2) He will tell her upfront.

 

This is the whole point of dating to find out what the other person is looking for in life. Kids, marriage, a fling, someone laid back, someone outgoing etc etc etc.

 

She should not have slept with him expecting more wihtout first finding out what his intention were. in fact she should have at least dated him until she was certain he wasnt just there for a quick bang. Personal responsibility.

[Dating Coach]

Whoa ho ho ho! To about 90% of guys out there who have had their hearts drug through the mud by their crush without her ever telling him that he had no chance, this is JUSTICE!

 

But you know what, I will tell you and your friend the same thing I would tell those nice guys who cling onto any hope that his crush will like him , even past her half azzed rejection (that was not really a clear rejection). What I tell those guys is: Accept responibility for YOUR OWN ACTIONS. You are in this situation because YOU put yourself in this situation, not because someone else wasn't being fair to you. They cannot accept all of the blame and you are at least as guilty as they are.

 

That's what I tell those guys (and there are hundreds of them on this site) who don't understand why women aren't just straightforward and honest about their intentions when they hang out with these guys. I will say the same thing to your friend. It's all equal from me honey. Accept your responsibility for putting yourself in this situation.

For one, your friend didn't have the guy make it clear he was wanting a relationship-which obviously he wasn't.

Two, guys are far less likely to think of your friend as girlfriend material when she sleeps with guys so easily. I mean... how many other guys has she done that with? Is it really that easy for her to sleep around? If so, then could she cheat or fall for second guy just as easily when she is dating the first one should he agree to a relationship? No guy wants to play with this. You want a guy to respect you then respect yourself. This is the same stuff I tell guys all day long here.

 

As far as teacups post, I think Tyler handled it fine. Teacup was way off.

[renaissancewoman101]

DiggityDog, I dont like your idea that you think this is poetic justice for guys, when a girl gets used and spit out. I think that is crude for you to say that. From my perspective, I still think that girls get used and taken advantage MUCH MORE than guys do. When guys do stuff like this, most guys will side with the guy and pat him on the back or stuff like that. It is seen as not that bad or that dishonorable. Then when a girl does stuff like that, sleep with a guy and ditch the guy, then the girl is labeled a * * * * * or a user or a player and she is seen as the witch.

 

Nice double standards going around, I see.

[izzycat]

So, by your logic, is a guy not "boyfriend" material if he sleeps with a woman right away? What' s the male equivalent for " * * * *"? And you don' t think women agonize over unrequieted crushes and deal with the whole "let's be friends" line and deal with mixed signals??? PLEASE!! Let's just be honest here. Women have an easier time with processing their emotions and with being honest. Most women. Most men, no. Not all men!!

I can't believe you're suggesting that a woman who beds a guy right away must do this often and isn't "girlfriend" material. What a double standard! What about the boys who do the same??

So you're saying guys want to marry the "sweet" girl and just sleep with the "loose, slutty" one??

[tylercdurden2004]

DiggityDog, I dont like your idea that you think this is poetic justice for guys, when a girl gets used and spit out. I think that is crude for you to say that. From my perspective, I still think that girls get used and taken advantage MUCH MORE than guys do. When guys do stuff like this, most guys will side with the guy and pat him on the back or stuff like that. It is seen as not that bad or that dishonorable. Then when a girl does stuff like that, sleep with a guy and ditch the guy, then the girl is labeled a * * * * * or a user or a player and she is seen as the witch.

 

Nice double standards going around, I see.

 

Whao who called her a s***? What I think Dogg is referring to is people not being upfront. Both men and women. As for me its all about personal responsibility, and taking responsibility for your actions and not relying on others to be upfront and honest when you first meet them. Doggs reference to some women being less than upfront can be evidenced by the thread posted a while back about "excuses" women use to ditch a guy. Things like giving out the wrong number, saying your busy, saying you relative is sick. Two wrongs dont make a right but at the end of the day it is about PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Nobody except yourself owes you anything. And to expect someone you just met to be open and honest with you is crazy. Would be great if thats the way the world worked.

[tylercdurden2004]

So, by your logic, is a guy not "boyfriend" material if he sleeps with a woman right away?

 

Absolutely. At least I would hope women would be thinking this.

[Batya33]

I for one do not understand why two people who decide to have casual s_x owe each other a phone call or any contact afterwards unless it was specifically promised. I am not sure why the s_x makes a bit of difference - for those two people who did it no strings attached it obviously wasn't meaningful to them as far as wanting a serious relationship or that would have been discussed beforehand.

 

I think if he used her, then she used him too because she didn't contact him and had no obligation to contact him. If there is "respect" to be paid with casual s_x then it should go both ways - why is it the man's obligation to do the calling if he has no intention of seeing the woman again?

 

All of this can be avoided if people were honest with themselves - the ones who expect phone calls after are the ones who weren't comfortable with the no strings attached but didn't bother to express that for whatever reason.

[hosswhispra]

I guess the whole issue is often, why do guys like the chase, and after sleeping with a woman, so often just end it there? Don't they want more sex at least, if not a "relationship"? And by the way, she is not saying she wants a relationship, just a little respect and consideration.

 

I don't think that your friend and the guy had a significant amount of time to establish any emotional ties/bond before having sex together....thereforeeee, the sex they had may have been just (unfortunately) for physical release and served it's purpose.

 

I think your friend should let this one go.....

[teacup]

in this situation.....well, there were no promises made. no implicit agreements. no nothing. so i can't say he's really at fault.

 

but i get furious when i read things like this.

 

this one guy.....i told him straight out from the very beginning that im a relationship type of girl, that im looking for a relationship. i told him a gazillionbillion times. i told him i dont like casual sex. i told him that im not like that. he said he was looking for something more. he said he was looking for love, romance. he said he doesnt like casual sex either that it doesnt feel right. AND THEN after i have sex with him (after knowing him a few months.) he dumped me right afterwards. he completely changed his attitude and everything about him.....just changed. he turned cold and emotionless. i freaked out big time. and i asked him "why did you do it?" "you know i don't like casual sex." and he said......."YOU came onto me." like i was free cake.

 

and he knew im not like that. he knew i dont like that. he knew.i told him so much and so often, how could he not know? and he was like 11 yrs older than me. and he had way more dating experience and i BARELY had any. and i had told him so. i cared about him otherwise i wouldn't have. i was so young, naive, stupid, innocent, gullible, trusting.

 

to this day, thinking about it....though my eyes are dry. deep down inside, i cry for myself. i value sex and people more than that.....i really do.

 

i just never expected an older man to behave like that. he's almost 40 in a few years. it was such ugly disgusting behavior. i hope he dies soon or gets locked up for a long time.

 

i hope the universe has it out for him. >=(

[nottoogreen]

You sound rather hurt, sorry. I am even older, I will try to understand what he was thinking.

 

Sensible man works harder after getting his girl.

 

It strikes me that you say he dumped you right away, which does not make sense to invest into getting you and then loosing you right away unless he is out to hurt himself and does not like women.

 

Did you have sex with him totally unexpectedly to him - was he surprised to get you?

 

When he was "cold and emotionless" afterward, said "YOU came onto me", and you freaked out, was that at the meeting when you had sex or at a further meeting(s) with him.

 

Could it be that he was insecure about how to handle the continued relationship with you and sort of thoughtlessly played it cool?

 

What do you know about him, kind of guy is he?

 

He got a steady job?

 

Many questions I know, but letting it out and understanding it will help.

[teacup]

he's an alcoholic. a drunk. after i realized what kind of person he was, i could not get away fast enough. it freaked me out. i didnt realize men could be like this, that is reach his age and not even have gained any maturity, decency.

 

but i really liked him a lot before. my heart would jump when i saw him. and sometimes when i see his picture, it still jumps again. and then i tell myself im a fool and im stupid.

 

afterall....he's going nowhere in life. he's nobody. but not even that, he's not even a decent human being. he has no morals, selfish, doesnt care about anyone but himself, blames others for his problems, he's got issues....but at least i was sincere.

[Dating Coach]

DiggityDog, I dont like your idea that you think this is poetic justice for guys, when a girl gets used and spit out. I think that is crude for you to say that. From my perspective, I still think that girls get used and taken advantage MUCH MORE than guys do. When guys do stuff like this, most guys will side with the guy and pat him on the back or stuff like that. It is seen as not that bad or that dishonorable. Then when a girl does stuff like that, sleep with a guy and ditch the guy, then the girl is labeled a * * * * * or a user or a player and she is seen as the witch.

 

Nice double standards going around, I see.

 

Did you read a WORD I said? I made it very clear that there are a lot of guys out there that would feel that way, and then I posted what I would say to those guys and this girl. How the heck did you miscontrue that into thinking I was justifying this in that way?!

[Dating Coach]

So, by your logic, is a guy not "boyfriend" material if he sleeps with a woman right away? What' s the male equivalent for " * * * *"? And you don' t think women agonize over unrequieted crushes and deal with the whole "let's be friends" line and deal with mixed signals??? PLEASE!! Let's just be honest here. Women have an easier time with processing their emotions and with being honest. Most women. Most men, no. Not all men!!

I can't believe you're suggesting that a woman who beds a guy right away must do this often and isn't "girlfriend" material. What a double standard! What about the boys who do the same??

So you're saying guys want to marry the "sweet" girl and just sleep with the "loose, slutty" one??

 

Look at riled up women power squad! Get a grip on your emotions because you PMSing ladies don't seem to have a good grasp of what was made perfectly clear.

 

I don't see how you two are getting the impression that the concept I was presenting was my own beliefs. Just as with the first girl, I was talking generally about how a lot of guys think. As far as your point, it is true that a lot of guys out there aren't so quick to settle down with the girl who sleeps with them on the first date. Did I say anthing about this being fair or unfair? I was simply stating that a lot of guys feel this way. If you want to rag your frustrations out, then find a guy who does this and complain to them. Don't get on my case for stating that this happens.

[Dating Coach]

Whao who called her a s***? What I think Dogg is referring to is people not being upfront. Both men and women. As for me its all about personal responsibility, and taking responsibility for your actions and not relying on others to be upfront and honest when you first meet them. Doggs reference to some women being less than upfront can be evidenced by the thread posted a while back about "excuses" women use to ditch a guy. Things like giving out the wrong number, saying your busy, saying you relative is sick. Two wrongs dont make a right but at the end of the day it is about PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Nobody except yourself owes you anything. And to expect someone you just met to be open and honest with you is crazy. Would be great if thats the way the world worked.

 

Thanks tyler for picking up on what I thought was obvious.