Relationship hindrance?

[Lynn.Schmitt]

If you are going to read this, I only ask that you do so with an open mind.

 

Alright. This may be a long one, so you might want to go get a cup of coffee first.

 

So I am in a little bit of a confusing situation right now. I have, indeed, become attracted to someone. He is intellignet, witty, liberal-minded, charming, etc. All the good things.

 

Anyway, we've known each other since last August, but this "relationship" of ours didn't take off until January. Why? Because from last August-December, he was my teacher. Now, before some of you neocons out there wet yourselves, don't. I'm not a 14 year old high school student. I am in college. He also wasn't part of the "staff" per se; he was a graduate student.

 

And I stress "was" a graduate student because he took a job (but is just a "finishing of the dissertation" away from completing his degree) so he hasn't gotten his PhD yet.

 

I am also no longer a student at this particular University. I am still a student; I just transferred to a different University (on an unrelated cause, of course). So just to make it clear, NEITHER of us is at the University anymore.

 

Anyhow, since I finished his class, we have been exchanging emails. There is barely a hint at a relationship on his behalf. He is not trying to initiate ANY sexual contact. We email back and forth, sharing ideas about the government, economy, religion, social progress, family, science, etc.

 

Our age difference is more than 5 years, but less than 10. He has made a few references to how I act more mature for my age, and how he acts a little immature for his, which puts us at about the same maturity level.

 

I am also a US Citizen and he is an immigrant working on obtaining a green card.

 

I am inquring about a possible future relationship and the ethics that surround the matter. Yes, he is a FORMER teacher. However, we did not start "really" talking until the class had finalized (also, I was the one who iniated contact; not him). Also, we have both since left the University (he had work; I transferred because of my major). Neither of us is planning on returning to that specific institution anytime in the future, nor do we ever plan on attending the same University as one another ever again (just because he isn't planning on any future education; because he'll have his PhD).

 

Basically, the ethics behind this concerns me. Would the two of us becoming involved be wrong? Now, there is hardly a hint on his behalf of even seeing one another again. I am not asking if you think we'll become involved; I'm just wondering about the ethics.

 

Also, while I am thinking about it, what do you think of our relationship now? We live about 400 miles apart right now, so there's really no chance of "bumping into one another". Our relationship now is just emailing one another every few days; talking about normal things. Government, social progress, science, music, etc. We are indulging in one another intellectually. Is this acceptable behavior?

 

I am seeking the willing opinion of anyone, of course. However, I am particularly interested in hearing the opinions of

1) Current Graduate Students. What would you think if one of your colleagues dated a former student of theirs?

2) If you are a graduate student (particularly of male persuasion) would you even consider dating a former student? If so, how would you feel (eww, feelings, I know) about it? Would you try your best to keep it under wraps?

3) Undergrads, what do you think (since I am an undergrad).

 

Wow, you should reward yourself for reading that whole thing. Go get some ice cream or something. Unless you live in Ohio, where it's still cold as hell. Thanks for your replies!

[DN]

I don't see any problem - go for it. Nothing happened while you were teacher/student and you have both left the University.

[mmmending]

Basically, the ethics behind this concerns me. Would the two of us becoming involved be wrong?

The ethical dilemma isn't that you have something in common.

 

Rather, it is a matter of whether your involvement with him would place you in a situation of preferential treatment vis-a-vis your grades.

 

It appears that this power dynamic is clearly no longer a factor in your relationship. If I understand your post correctly, the richness of your rapport really didn't begin until you were in different locales anyway, and began online correspondence.

 

As for the long distant aspect to your question, I don't have a specific opinion about that as a phenom. as such. What I would suggest, however, is that you get very specific with yourself in youself (yes, I meant to say it that way) about what a relationship satisfies for you, and get very specific about what you can tolerate in an extroardinary relationship such as a long distance one.

 

For some, the separation, lack of physical contact, fragmented communication is very difficult to sustain, and leads to a lot of suffering.

 

Hope this helps.. m.

[shes2smart]

Since you're no longer teacher/student, I fail to see where there's a problem....other than in your own thoughts.

 

To me, your biggest hurdle is that 400 mile distance. If that's only temporary, you might want to just keep things on the back burner til you're geographically closer, then explore a potential relationship. If that distance isn't going to change, then your real problem is getting involved in a long-distance relationship. I'm not a fan of those and never have been. It's hard enough to develop/maintain a healthy relationship with someone who's accross town, let alone hundreds of miles away.

 

BTW, it's not that cold in Ohio. Today's forecast is for sunshine and 65 degrees.

[Lynn.Schmitt]

I guess I also want to point out (after re-reading my post) that I too DO NOT hint at sexual contact; we both hint (on one or two occasions only) at real-life contact. Mostly jokingly, of course. Not significant enough to be taken seriously. There, is, though, a little element of flirtation that surrounds our conversations. Again, nothing serious or too out-of-the-ordinary.

 

Also, I wasn't inquiring about the whole "distance" thing at all. I wasn't expecting replies on it. Distance, for many reasons, is not an issue. His place of work is not permanent (once he finishes his disseration, he'll become a teacher/professor). He is only working at Company X now so that he can remain in the US (while he finishes his dissertation and lands a permanent job pertaining to his profession). Also, I won't be an undergrad all my life; I can always attend grad school closer to him.

 

And Europeans are different than us Americans and (most) Canadians. Most of the grad students I know (who are all foreign, btw) are married, and their spouses live hundreds of miles away, but their marriages are fine. Many Europeans, it seems, have the same outlook. They are more unlikely to just fall in and out of relationships than us Westerners. And schooling is not permanent. In the not-so-distant future, it is very possible for either of us (should we choose) to move substantially closer to the other. So please, just focus on the ethics!

 

Also, I PERSONALLY have no problem with the whole student/teacher thing.

I am just wondering

1) how he might feel about the two of us (ie. about the age difference between 5-10 yrs and student/teacher thing)

2) how his friends/colleagues still at the University might feel, and how he would feel about that

3) how he would feel telling his family "oh, I'm dating a former student of mine".

 

...and yeah

[jenny_mcs]

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with having a relationship w/ him. The reason that teacher/student (or boss/subordinate) relationships are typically considered unethical is because in such a relationship, one person (the teacher or boss) has power over the other (grades, promotions, etc). It’s why many universities and companies have policies against such relationships. Since you are no longer in such a situation, I see no problem with pursuing the relationship.

[Momene]

I agree the 400 mile distance is the biggest hurdle but if it comes off, I'd like to be a bridesmaid.

[Lynn.Schmitt]

lol Momene, you want to be my male bridesmaid?

 

Nice.

 

Anyone else have an opinion they care to share? Thanks!

[Momene]

lol Momene, you want to be my male bridesmaid?

 

Nice.

 

Anyone else have an opinion they care to share? Thanks!

 

Well, I'll have to shave my legs first and I don't think there's many places that do bridesmaids dresses for people over 6ft but hey if you end up together, a large English MALE bridesmaid will make it a wedding to remember. Perhaps my wife could be the best man!