And in other news, I am set to be kicked from college

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I will save you the explanation of how education for 16-19 year olds generally works in the UK, but to put it succintly..

 

I am on 3 x 2-year courses in Art, Drama and Philosophy.

 

At the end of the first year, the exams result in qualifications called AS levels, which can stand alone, but arn't really worth a lot.

 

At the end of the second year, the exams, added to the results of the first year, mean you obtain "A2 Levels".

 

thereforeeee, in order to stay on to do the second year, you of course have to pass the first year (passes are grades A-E, fail is a U), because that counts towards the A2 level as a whole.

 

Philosophy and Drama I have had no real issue with at all, I'm predicted As in both by subject teachers. This is despite my rather chronic manic depression/missing college, because I've always had a great interest in Philosophy in my spare time anyway, and Drama's written exam is very easy, the practical part being something I really *had* to do otherwise I'd be letting people down, so you could say my conscience helped me majorly there.

 

Art has been a complete disaster though. My reports have burbled how I am very talented, and I have been given As for individual pieces, etc.

 

Unfortunately, the grade is made up largely of marks from coursework done throughout the year, the deadline for handing it in has recently passed.

 

And basically, I just havn't done it to the point where I could realistically fail Art. And you have to pass all three subjects to stay on, thereforeeeE, I stand a decent chance of not being allowed back in this September. This is not good.

 

And .. it's annoying. You've probably gathered by this point that sheer depression and suicide ideation problems stops me from working - Philosophy and Drama I can do on standing intellect alone, but Art has got me..thats the only one you have to do any work for, and I havn't done enough. Or the right kind of stuff. Whatever. I went to the lessons, I tried to work in the lessons, but if you spend a long time every day trying to build up a will to live alone, you arnt having a very productive year at school.

 

This is the second year running this has happened, at two colleges. I really am just considereing leaving and working somewhere. I am .. not disappointed. Sad, I guess.

[DN]

Is there a system under which you could get a deferment or something similar based on your depression?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I believe that it is possible to apply for "extenuating circumstances", which if granted would be of help. Getting the medical reports would be no problem, however..I would feel completely pathetic doing that, and I believe ultimately that if I'd have really wanted to do well, I would have done, mentally ill or not.

 

I am having a hard time coming to terms with my own lack of drive and facing the fact I will have to rethink everything, but a lot worse could have happened.

[DN]

How pathetic do you think you might feel at some point in the future when you are doing a job way below your talents and looking at people in a successful career in which you could have done at least as well?

 

I have read a lot of your posts and you are too intelligent to make that sort of mistake. Of course, whether you are smart enough to realise that is a different issue. That we shall see.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I like your tactics in that post, DN.

 

They are possibly working, although I have never been particularly ambitious, I was always more about Experiencing Things.. I will admit that job satisfaction would be a good thing to aim for though - bah, the college counselling service wouldnt be a bad route to try, at least it would show I was self aware enough, etc.

[DN]

I didn't necessarily mean ambitious for material success although that is not always a bad thing. I meant success in terms of personal fulfillment. The more educational qualifications you have the more choices are usually available to you.

[mmmending]

Hi AntiLove SuperStar,

 

I looked through some of your old posts to see if you are in the care of a therapist, or a psychiatrist, but didn't find if this were so. I see you mentioning being depressed, and I also see you being empathetic and urging others to seek help for their depression.

 

Why I ask, I know that universities in the UK will accept what is called an "Aegrotat" which is basically a certificate or doctor's note that states that a student is ill. It can be for physical or psychological reasons.

 

If you feel ok having something like that on your student record, you can get what is called an Aegrotat Pass, or even a deferral to submit work. What happens often is that the uni will convene a panel who will assess if you have made "substantial completion" of your term work, and often will just grant you the pass. It is done on a case by case basis. Contact the registrar of your college to see if this is so where you attend.

 

Depression and mental health issues are a disability. They cannot ethically, if even legally, discriminate against you for your suffering.

 

I've seen you offer thoughtful advice to others. I hope you can offer yourself some of that same thoughtfulness in this moment. ..m.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

That is useful information, thank you.

 

I'm not sure it'd wash as I am doing exceptionally well in some subjects and not in others..hmm.

 

I had at least 2 psychiatrists and other people, but nothing really worked. So far.

[mmmending]

Hi AL_SS

That is useful information, thank you.

 

I'm not sure it'd wash as I am doing exceptionally well in some subjects and not in others..hmm.

 

I had at least 2 psychiatrists and other people, but nothing really worked. So far.

I guess what I'm getting at, could you approach the psychs. for a letter to build a case of "extenuating circumstances".. I mean, the circumstances are real.. It's not being clever or anything.. you're depressed.

 

I imagine this has had a lot to do with how things have gone for you at college (I mean that, besides the fact that college can be completely poncified at times.. but anyway).

[Tigris]

Are you finding you're better on your Bi-polar meds or do you think they need to be adjusted a bit?

 

I agree with the others you deserve all the help you can get. Please find out how to get more time to do the work and what requirements the college would need from your doctors and psychiatrists.

 

I'm sure there are loads of posters who've benefitted from your advice who would want you to succeed just like us.

 

Let us know how you get on.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'll be honest, I refused all medication and walked out on my treatment team. It's my brain, it's the last thing I feel I have, and nobody is messing with it.

[Tigris]

I know how difficult it is for you to cope with your Bi-polar because I've seen the changes it makes to my fiancee. She's on meds and they need adjusting slightly.

 

Personally I prefer her being on a 'high' but she is terrified of these! I thought she was more normal in my eyes. She definitely seems light hearted and full of fun. The problem is I have to watch her for doing impulsive things because she doesn't think about the consequences. Sometimes the problems are financial ones and she hasn't got any spare money to do these things. It's difficult because I live in England and she lives in Australia! On a calmer day she decided to seek professional help. She hands all her money over to someone who deals with her bills and debts and they give her the money for food, etc., that way she can't spend it.

 

When she's on a 'down' I don't like it. She 'bottles' her problems up and then they get that bad that she ends up sobbing on the phone to me. All she wants is for me to put my arms around her and give her a reassuring cuddle. Sometimes I end up crying with her because I feel guilty because I can't do that. I wish I didn't have all this debt to sort out before we can be together! All she wants to do is be with me and be happy.

 

She's on meds and acts this way. I dread to think what you are going through without meds? Please reconsider and go back to your treatment team!

 

If you won't do it for yourself please consider how much easier it would be for your boyfriend.

 

Take care of yourself.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Antilove - I agree with DN. It would be a great loss to the world if you were not actively doing things in it.

 

I am not a huge uni advocate. I think if someone is going to be a contributor they will be.

 

I think YOU will be college or not. But I do think you should stick with it. Do what you have to to make it work, but don't look at it like selling out.

 

I applaud you holding out on the drugs but don't be ashamed of that either. There are several good, smart and very productive people who get help that way. I totally respect where you're coming from tho -

[The Evil Stig]

I sympathise with you. I'm having very similar problems myself.

 

Meds do help, you wouldn't be bad off to give them a try. I had some bad side effects at first, lost too much weight and stuff, but that all wore off. It was definitely working for a while, too bad I keep becoming tolerant.

 

And counseling could be good too. But don't expect magic. Maybe I'm just too complex, but none of them have been any help to me. Still no idea what the underlying problems are or anything good to do to help.

 

I have just been getting killed this semester. All my classes involve heavy amounts of calculus and that is one of my worst subjects. I may have just failed calc 3 for the second time.

 

Ugh, even if I could get some kind of waiver I would still be better off going back to community college. I had a 3.5GPA there, not a 1.9 or whatever.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

This cannot go on, I just spent 60 minutes hiding in a bathroom stall having a panic attack instead of going to class. Jaysus I have lost it. And for some reason, anorexic symptoms are now back in full force.

 

**clamps hands over head**

Make it stop

Make it stop

**rocks back and forth**

[itsallgrand]

AntiLove,

I would hug you if I could. I'm going to send a cheesy cyber hug even though it goes against my usual sensibilities. In this situation though, I don't even care about that.

 

All that matters is that you are well. I really hope that someone is there with you.

 

You seem to drive yourself hard. Yes, you are talented , we all know that already and so do you! Once you're feeling a bit better, you can decide what you are going to do: either do whatever it takes to stay in college, or take another route. It will work out. It's not the end of the world.

 

I hope you're okay.

 

Post back soon please. Please don't try to do it alone.

[nottoogreen]

I'll be honest, I refused all medication and walked out on my treatment team. It's my brain, it's the last thing I feel I have, and nobody is messing with it.

 

Take your medications and...

 

... you must want to change and overcome the cause of your depression.

 

New here, I read some of your posts, you do not seem to talk about the beginning of your problems.

 

What about give it a try to talk about the beginning of your problems please!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Blaaaggghh they began when I was very young. I was an arrogant, difficult child..I am now a difficult, arrogant young adult.

 

No no, that's not right and I'm over-generalizing and need to calm down.

 

The problem is..there was no One Thing. Sure, I've had a few Incidents of a drastic nature, i can remember vandalising things and drinking too much and drugging, and being anorexic, and having terrible relationships, but I don't believe many of them were that serious when you consider what some poeple go through and come out the other side of relatively unaffected...if you see what I mean.

 

I've sat in psychiatric offices trying to understand the point of people questioning me non stop about my childhood..and it does nothing. I was .. a kid. An abnormal, overly formal kid who had problems with relationships..that doesn't seem to account for my state now.

 

I would even go so far to say I was "over" most of my "trauma" - when I cry, it isn't because of Something In Particular, it's because of my state of mind, that is, I seem to have relentless Existentialist Depression.

 

I thank people for all responses.

[nottoogreen]

Blaaaggghh they began when I was very young. I was an arrogant, difficult child..I am now a difficult, arrogant young adult.

No no, that's not right and I'm over-generalizing and need to calm down.

 

Simple generalization and calm down OK . You are not arrogant per se but run away from yourself because you do not like yourself the way you are today.

 

BTW, can you talk to a person openly like here on the forum?

 

The problem is..there was no One Thing. Sure, I've had a few Incidents of a drastic nature, i can remember vandalising things and drinking too much and drugging, and being anorexic, and having terrible relationships, but I don't believe many of them were that serious when you consider what some poeple go through and come out the other side of relatively unaffected...if you see what I mean.

 

How you learned to perform the drastice incidents?

 

I can see that you seem not to trust anyone, why is that?

 

I've sat in psychiatric offices trying to understand the point of people questioning me non stop about my childhood..and it does nothing. I was .. a kid. An abnormal, overly formal kid who had problems with relationships..that doesn't seem to account for my state now.

 

Some examples.

 

I had no friends in kindergarten school because I could not connect with them. I only had older friends related to study and work.

 

When I was seven I walked by a park with my school class and my father was lying nearby a bench totally drunk vomiting, shi...

 

He died of alcohol when I was 14 and my parents divorced.

 

Get my drift?

 

I would even go so far to say I was "over" most of my "trauma" - when I cry, it isn't because of Something In Particular, it's because of my state of mind, that is, I seem to have relentless Existentialist Depression.

 

You are not over it at all because you are avoiding a) the origins and b) the basic requirement for _any_ solution which is _change_ within yourself.

 

Example: The human brain is smart: I experimented with antidepressants about 12 years ago and felt better. Then less than a year later I found that the medication lost effectiveness because my behaviour and attitude remained unchanged and my brain "adjusted" to get me back were I came from. So I stopped the medication slowly drifting down into deeper depression until ready for real change a few years ago and today I am OK.

 

So, medications are a short term solution and no use without change from within, but you may have to follow prescription regimes and work with those who treat you!

 

You are still very young and perhaps more depressed than I ever was (starting age 28 or so) and you have to work on yourself _today_ and every day.

 

See it as it is, than you can fix it!

[mmmending]

Antilove,

 

Oh.. I hear your suffering, yet through all of it, and truly in spite of BPD, the soft, thoughtful, articulate, insightful, frank and fearlessly vulnerable woman emerges in the forefront. Clearly, despite its affliction, BPD isn't "you".

 

"You" are so much more than BPD, AntiLove.

 

Please take good care.. m.

 

Itsallgrand puts it so beautifully...

 

 

AntiLove,

I would hug you if I could. I'm going to send a cheesy cyber hug even though it goes against my usual sensibilities. In this situation though, I don't even care about that.

 

All that matters is that you are well. I really hope that someone is there with you.

 

You seem to drive yourself hard. Yes, you are talented , we all know that already and so do you! Once you're feeling a bit better, you can decide what you are going to do: either do whatever it takes to stay in college, or take another route. It will work out. It's not the end of the world.

 

I hope you're okay.

 

Post back soon please. Please don't try to do it alone.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Antilove -

 

How have you dealt with this before? With meds?

 

If you've gone off your meds and this is one of the first "bad" episode, maybe this is what to expect from being off.

 

Are you going to fight it or go back on meds?

 

What DOES the future hold for you?

 

I ask because my mother is bi-polar along with personality disorders galore. She's what they call "high functioning" so she can live on her own. But she prolly shouldn't be.

 

But you are loads more intelligent and seem to have a zest, albeit a sassy one, which i like, but I can't see you like her. I really can't. But what I'm asking is, how much of a choice do you have in your own future? How much control do you ACTUALLY have?

[DN]

How many times a day do you smile - or laugh? A genuine. spirited, soul liberating laugh?

[Süsser Tod]

This is the second year running this has happened, at two colleges. I really am just considereing leaving and working somewhere. I am .. not disappointed. Sad, I guess.

 

 

At least you are 18, not 24 as I was when I decided to drop off college.

 

 

I know where you're coming from and how you feel. I was never a good student, missed too many clases, I was unable to keep an agenda (I wrote down things I had to do, but always forgot to take a look at it, and usually ended up losing them). Heck, one day I arrived at school and met someone from one of my clases, he said "did you study?". Ehh? Study for what? The look on his face and the answer were priceless, today we start midterm exams...

 

So, I don't even know how I lasted 6 years in college, and managed to get done about 50% of a major.

 

Now, a college dropout, and I'm doing way better than I ever did. Finally I'm able to focus on something I like, something that CAN keep my attention, etc.

 

College is not the be it end it all of life. Why don't you take off some time so you can get your heat straight, or a little bit straighter, and then go back? I wish I have had that chance back then, but my parents don't even think depression exists.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I do not laugh genuinely very often at all.

 

I have never given meds a proper trial. Every time I survived thus far has just been through human grit and determination, and various practical self help techniques.

 

I do not consider the fact I don't trust anyone to be very problematic, this is probably just an age thing and will disappear when I move away from my family, etc. We change a lot between 16 and 25, yeah? So I might just grow the heck up.

 

I can but hope!

[DN]

link removed

 

Dr. Lee Berk and fellow researcher Dr. Stanley Tan of Loma Linda University in California have been studying the effects of laughter on the immune system. To date their published studies have shown that laughing lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, increases muscle flexion, and boosts immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies. Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, and produces a general sense of well-being.