Really just needed to write this

[alonegirl]

I haven't been on here in a while but I just really need to talk to people who understand what I'm going through. My friends are tired of hearing about it seeing as how it has been over a year and they think I should be over it by now. I have just had a really big relapse and I'm not sure what to do or think anymore. I thought I was doing better but today I just feel so bad. My ex and I were together for 4 years, we lived together and bought a dog together and did all the stuff we talked about marriage, kids etc all that stuff, we both agreed that we were not in a place to even think about marriage or children at the moment and we were content where our relationship was. Well he ended up breaking up with me telling me that he didn't want to be in a realtionship he wanted to be single didn't think he ever wanted to get married or have children. I found out 4 days later there was someone else. In the year since we have broken up she has moved in, they are engaged and planning a wedding.

 

Yesterday a so called "friend" of mine called me and told me she had found his myspace page and looked at it and she reminded me that they were getting married and she told me all this stuff and as badly as I didn't want to go look I did and I shouldnt have. It was so weird I was looking at this girl who just came right in and started living my life less than 3 months after I stopped living that life. It's just so strange to see pictures of someone standing in your old house with your old boyfriend. You could see in the background of the picture a picture frame that used to have pictures of us in it and he just replaced the pictures with pictures of them and it just hurt so bad. She has a picture of our dog and called it her dog (I know that sounds stupid but it's hurts) I just feel so replaceable and not special this is the life that I was so used to and that I wanted to live the rest of my life and here is this other girl living it. It killed me. He just gets to walk away and doesn't have to deal with the aftermath of the breakup like I did. I had to start my life all over again, all he did was replace me with another girl and kept living the same life. He's robbed me of so much, How do you ever open yourself up to someone again? I was so shocked when we broke up there are times I still don't think it's hit me. He robbed me of thinking that people are really happy with me I thought he was happy he acted happy the day before he broke up with me he told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. My whole life has changed and I hate it. My apartment doesn't feel like home it just feels like a place I go. I went back to school but not because I wanted to but because I wanted to keep busy. I haven't dated anybody since we broke up I don't think it would be fair to that person to get involved with anybody but then there are times I just wish I had someone to take my mind of him. I just feel so used and stupid how long was he living a lie with me? How long was he miserable and talking to her behind my back? I just feel so stupid not to have seen it and to trust him so completely. And to know that they are getting married just kills me because I realize he didn't want to marry me. I just don't get how you just write someone out of your life like it's nothing, I feel as though I meant nothing to him and him and our relationship meant so much to me.

 

I talked to him about 2 months ago and we had a very long talk about what went down in our relationship. I let him know how much he hurt me and he apologized and hugged me and told me he never meant to hurt me that we were together for 4 years and that I meant a lot to him and he loved me and he'll never forget me. It's just such a weird feeling. I feel like in back to the future when he's looking at the picture and his family starts to fade away that's what I feel like I feel like I just faded out of the picture and she just came in and took my place. My heart still really hurts for him, everytime I hear his name or think of him my heart hurts. I hate feeling this way, I hate that over a year I still feel like this. I just miss him and our relationship. I just want to run away because there are memories of us everywhere around this town, but I know that I need to be strong. And most of the time I am I am just having such a hard time. My self-esteem really took a hard shot with all this and I don't feel attractive and I don't feel like people really like me and want to be with me. Sometimes it is just hard still. I wish I had the power to erase him from my memory to just forget that he ever exsisted. Everytime I meet someone new I just think he's not him and I don't know why I can't let go. It just kills me to know that I still feel this way and he has forgotten all about me and just got on with his life. I just try to push all these feelings away and act like they aren't there and I guess they are just catching up to me, I thought I was doing better. I'm sorry for going on so long.

[capricorn85]

Alonegirl,

 

I totally understand how you feel. My ex and I weren't together for four years..more like a year and 1/2 but we were VERY close. I considered him my bestfriend. When he broke up with me I felt like my life was going to end...literally. Everyday I cried and I stopped going to school. Eight months later it still hurts, but I have made A LOT or progress. I have been trying to do NC and it has been helping. Ofcourse I have those days where I feel like crap. Just like you, my self-esteem hit ROCK BOTTOM. Right now you have to just worry about YOU, take good care of yourself. I am sure you are a wonderful person and you will be okay. STAY AWAY from the myspace page...one thing I hate about these sites is that you can find out so much info. Take care!

[Scout]

Hi alonegirl,

 

Your post moved me so much, I went back and read your other threads. I could be wrong, but what I'm sensing here is that you held a lot of anger in during and after the break-up, to the point where you may have repressed too much of it. It's clear your ex acted like a complete * * *, and it does saying something about your self-control not to have completely flipped out on him and the girl he took up with after you two broke up.

 

But again, I think you repressed it a bit too much, and what is happening now, I believe, is that you are experiencing some kind of post-traumatic stress. Let's face it, what you went through was extremely traumatic, and caused you a tremendous amount of pain.

 

I don't believe your friends understand that because you loved and trusted this man so deeply, the shock of everything and dealing with the grief is naturally taking you a long time to get over. After all, if he had died, no one would be saying you should be over it now! But in essense, he did in a way. At least the man you knew.

 

Nevertheless, he is who he is now, and has made his choice. Whether it was the best choice for him, I have my doubts based on your threads. But for you...maybe it was kind of him to do this. He obviously didn't have the character you believed him to have, and honestly, you come accross as a truly decent person with a great capacity for love and kindness.

 

And once you are able to truly accept the past, and move on to the future, you will be able to establish a relationship with someone who is likewise loyal and dependable, and filled with just as much love.

 

I think to help you get there, you might want to consider some therapy geared towards grief counseling and/or post-traumatic stress. You want to get in a place where you can start to clearly acknowledge all of your feelings and anger, lay them out on the table, and then say, "Ok. That's done. Now, I'm ready to move forward."

 

I do think the right kind of therapy can help you get there. In the meantime, you have my sincere best wishes and prayers that you will soon find the strength to really begin your future, and in fact, to look forward to it.

[DN]

I too am sorry this has happened to you and that it is taking so long for you to recover.

 

But I am not sure that it was a mistake to see his myspace for now you really do know for sure that it is over. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better and I doubt it can get much worse than that.

 

Now that you know what you know it is time to face the future and I strongly endorse Scouts advice to seek some therapy. Repressed feelings can fester inside and you need some help to get them out and dealt with. Posting your thoughts and feelings on here may help but a one on one session may help even more.

 

Know that your feelings are absolutely valid and the sadness and loss you have are entirely normal.

 

But also know that you are attractive and that people really do like you. It is hard to appreciate this through the fog of your unhappiness but it is the truth. You will need help to fully realise that and you also need to heal from the hurt before you can.

 

Good luck to you - you are at a particularly hard time in your life and the only consolation is that it will help you to appreciate all the more the happiness that will surely come your way in the future.

[dopexile]

I can understand exactly what you are going through. Think how a house is built: If it's built on a solid foundation then when a storm comes through and moves soil around the house will still stand. But if the house is just thrown up unconsciously without a solid foundation then eventually everything comes crashing down.

 

The foundation of your life was built on one person. And when your foundation left your life, your life came crashing down.

 

You need to find new hobbies and interests and meet new guys, that's all it comes down to. Your life shouldn't center around a relationship; it should only one aspect of your life. That way even if you are in another relationship that breaks up, your life won't crash. Something for you to think about

[Scout]

Beautifully said, DN. Sometimes we really do have to go through the fire to get to the other side.

[searching1951]

There is so much pain in here. Sometimes it helps to know others are in the same boat, but other times it is just overwhelming.

 

It's clear that you are stalled. I would recommend "How to Rebuild when your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher. You have to get your recovery process moving along.

 

NC is pretty well defined, but it should be more broadly applied. NC should include not looking your ex up on the internet. I built a website for my ex as a Christmas prestent (she's an attorney). She adored the website, and said she often went to it and just stared at the pages. Tt has a visitors counter on it. She doesn't get much traffic because she dumped me in March (without saying a word..she just put up a wall, and found out two weeks later that she is marrying the arrogant old pr**k she used to be with before me..she never really let him go, and I am clueless as to why not) just before I broadcast it to google, etc.. So if I visit her website and see the counter is up by one or two hits (not me) I usually end up fantasizing that it's her visitng the site, and weeping over how beautiful it is. This conjures up thoughts of her calling me, cancelling her marriage plans, etc.

 

The fact is NC is the first concrete thing a person can do to begin recovery, and it should be absolute..don't visit any websites, don't look them up, don't have any contact whatsoever. I write her six emails a day, but I send them all to myself, and I never allow any of them to go to her (this method actually works..I put all the emails in a file and colect a history of my pathetic recovery). Then start finding why you are so sick...? Why is your brain making you, it's host, so miserable? Really it has nothing to do with them..it's entirely inside of us..what is causing it?

[Hope75]

Hi AloneGirl,

 

I read your thread and it just broke my heart. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I can't imagine how blown away you were when this just came out of the blue. I'm not surprised why after all this time you haven't been able to let it go.

 

As Scout and DN both said, it sounds as though you have repressed your anger (perhaps anger that you didn't even know you had in you) for what he did to you because you were just so flabbergasted that this happened at all. Part of shock is the protective mechanism of burying your emotions so that you can just get through the days, almost like a machine. This is a normal part of the grieving process and it sounds as though perhaps looking at his myspace account brought all those buried feelings to the surface.

 

Scout and DN are right, you are going to have to deal with those feelings of betrayel and hurt before you can move forward. Part of that is getting some intensive therapy with someone you can open up to and really trust.

 

I hope you will consider that, but also know that we are here for you whenever you need to vent and your friends have heard enough.

 

 

((HUGS))

[serenity25]

Hi alonegirl,

 

My heart goes out to you as well and know that I'm here for you anytime you need someone to talk to. I'm going through a situation that is similar in some ways so I understand. I sent you a pm with my aim name so that you can instant message me anytime.

 

Hang in there...this guy didn't deserve you and while he may actually be getting married, I still think it will hit him one day that he was a complete * * * and that he let someone terrific go. You need to save your heart for a man that is capable of returning the love and thoughtfulness that you give out. Your ex obviously wasn't capable of that level as far as maturity and sensitivity. He may be happy now and think he is ready for marriage but I'm not sure marriage will be a walk in the park for people with the emotional maturity of both our exes.

[Scout]

Alonegirl, are you ok? We haven't seen a post back from you, and I'm a little concerned. You sounded very down yesterday.

[sonjam]

AloneGirl,

 

You are always welcome here, to talk to cry, to rage, to sob and of couse, to talk to us.

 

I too agree with Scout, DN and Hope, I think initially you did go through the loss of the relationship, but there was alot of feelings, hurt, anger etc you had to deal with, and in truth you were too busy dealing with these feelings, and keeping busy to really mourne the loss. It really is like somebody had died, and you need to mourne the loss, the marraige that will never be, the house the dog, the kids.

 

Recently I too, had a friend that started having really bad days 8 months after she and her bf split up, and she could not understand why only now?

 

After a few conversations we came to the realisation that she never truly faced the music, that it REALLY was OVER, and that he moved on. I want to venture out to say that it is the same for you. Seeing the PROOF of his new relationship, there is no other way but to face the music.

 

My heart aches for you, I too had the misfortune of having to stand in the driveway of my house, with my husband's new girlfriend blocking my kitchen door. (the divorce was not even through yet) I had to remove the things they thought I could have, from inbetween "their" things, in the house that I painted, and funished. I know how you feel right now.

 

All I can tell you, is you deserve better, I know he was your everyting, but come to think of it, she might be as easily replaced by his next whim, as he did you. You will soon be in a better place - but allow youself the time to grieve.

[kellbell]

Hi Alonegirl!

 

I am so sorry about your breakup. I am so sorry that you had to find out all the details about his new relationship in that manner. (((hugs)))

 

I too, agree you may have "stuffed" your feelings about the matter and your ex. It is okay to be angry with him. You have every right to be. Sometimes the anger helps you move on because it not only helps you detatch from him and the situation, it helps you comes to terms with the kind of person he truly IS and not what you THOUGHT HE IS.

 

Perhaps seeing a counseler might help with your feelings and give you some perspective. I see a social worker for several reasons and it definitely helps. It is good to have someone to vent to, someone to listen, and offer your some insight and perspective. I actually look forward to my appointments. LOL Something to think about.

 

As always, you have us here at eNotalone to listen, vent to, support and offer some insight. Don't be a stranger. I hope you feel better real soon.

 

(((BIG HUGS!!!)))

[pablovblack]

So if I visit her website and see the counter is up by one or two hits (not me) I usually end up fantasizing that it's her visitng the site, and weeping over how beautiful it is. This conjures up thoughts of her calling me, cancelling her marriage plans, etc.

 

Oh man, this is exactly what I'm like, I have a website for my band and I know pretty much who visits by looking at the stats, shes on AOL you see, So if I get a hit from AOL I always imagine that its her and that shes looking on there because shes interested in what Im doing or just wants to look at some of the old pics of us on it (Which I should delete).

I had a couple hits a week or so ago and it was from AOL, I really thought it was her until I realised it was a friend cos they told me they was looking on it for the next gigs, Yes I was upset...... Again.....

[Genji05]

I know how you feel. My ex dumped me in February and immediately hooked up with someone else. They got engaged in March.

 

I really hurts. It feels like all the years you put into the relationship were just a waste and that. To me, it feels like my ex is more concerned about getting married than about marrying the right person.

 

I know you may feel like you're the only one that got hurt in the breakup. Trust me, when someone jumps out of a long-term relationship into new relationship, they're just covering up their pain and hiding from their emotions. They still need to grieve for their lost relationship. Their emotions will catch up with them eventually, and when they do it won't be pretty.

 

In a way, you're better off than him for dealing with this yourself and not bringing it into a relationship with someone else. When he is forced to come to terms with his failed relationship, it will be pretty nasty.

[Kenobe]

If it's of any consolation, I know what you're going through. My wife of 12 years left me 3 years ago (met someone on line) and it still hurts to this day. I still have "relapses" from the memories but you know, the pain gets less all the time.

The questions never seem to completely go away...what went wrong? what could I have done differently? But you know, it's not your fault. The one thing we can't control in this world is the actions of others.

 

Like others have said, just hang in there; looking forward is a lot harder than looking back, but worth it in the end.

[MaggieD]

DN's advice / words of solace to you are so apt. I just want to chime in and say don't assume your friends are tired of you and think you should be over it. My friends have been a great support group, and I always think they are sick of hearing about it (now 8 mths later), but every time I am having a rough time and am brave enough to let them know they kick in with extra support; call me everyday in between when we get to together just to bs and see how i'm doing and take my mind off things. And everytime I say I feel so lame for being so torn up over this, still, they say "it's okay -- it's perfectly normal. you WILL feel better eventually. take your time."

 

Reach out to your friends, consider a therapist (mine gets me through), and hang on tight. Sometimes it's day by day, sometimes it minute by minute. And keep in mind you always find the "perfect" person when you aren't looking, and you don't sound like you're looking, so it could happen any day.

[Orlander]

Everyone, look at it this way..."What kind of person would want someone who just inflicted emotional pain by breaking up with someone else to be with them??" If I liked a girl and she had someone else in her life, I would never pursue it in the first place.

 

I certaintly would never date someone who would break up with another man to be with me. I'd be a fool to believe the same wouldnt happen to me too. The fact that they get married doesn't matter.

 

Successful relationships start with two people being completely over their exes. Yeah, many of you may be tortured by your exes being with someone new who is sharing YOUR house, or YOUR pet, but realistically, that relationship is probably doomed anyway.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

 

Orlander