How do YOU cope with loneliness?

[Haven]

Problem is: I'm exceptionally picky.

 

I want it all. Looks, someone who has the personality traits I'm looking for, someone I can get along really well with, someone who has a sense of humour, etc., etc. And of course, even if I actually find someone who possesses all those qualities in one person, then she has to be single (which rarely is the case with great catches like that)... and most of all (and obviously) she would have to be attracted to me, love me for me (eventually) and enjoy being with me.

 

Try getting all THAT in one shot! lol

You don't have to get it all in one shot. (Not sure if I'm interpreting your statement correctly, but just go with me here.) As in, you don't have to find someone who meets all that criteria right from the very beginning. There are people who aren't single when you meet them, but it doesn't mean that they'll never be single again. There are people who, as you get to know them better, turn out to have a great personality. And there are the casual acquaintances who end up being completely different than what you thought they were originally.

 

I have had true life experiences with all the examples I listed above. Like, there was one guy in this group of guys I ate lunch with last year. I didn't know him that well and never even thought about him. But after a few months, I started hanging out with that group occasionally on the weekends, and got to know him better. And he turned out to actually fit pretty much all the qualities on my list. (Though he had an extra feature, immaturity, which made him incapable of a relationship, but whatever.) So my point is... be open to all possibilties? (Something like that..)

 

Oh, and one way I like to cope with loneliness is watching movies that make me laugh.

[Kevin T]

First of all: since humans are DESIGNED to desire love, companionship, sex, etc. saying to not focus on being alone is a moot point. You can be the greatest person in the world, as well as have all the money, fame and prestige in the world, but if you come home to an empty house at night, does it really matter? I'd say no. So, focusing on yourself is a rather egocentric thing to do (though with all the individualistic rhetoric going around these days, I'm not surprised). However, being selfish isn't the answer to solving loneliness. Not by a long shot. I say, let the romantics be romantics. Whether they are happy or not aside, at least they are then able to be themselves.

 

And I definitely want it all in one package. If I can't have that, then so be it. (However, I'll not take such a pessimistic approach, otherwise suicide would be rearing its ugly head again; which I do not want). With me, it's all or nothing. Besides, when I actually break down what I want (since I vehemently refuse to settle - and I believe no one SHOULD settle), it's not really that much. I expect a certain degree of looks, a certain degree of personality traits, a certain degree of morality/spirituality, etc. It's nothing unattainable in the least. There's a good expression for this:

 

"If you expect nothing in particular, you GET nothing in particular."

 

I believe that's very true.

 

If it were not true, I might as well throw in the towel now and accept my misery. But... I refuse to.

 

- End of Spiel -

[Beyondthesea]

I have a friend like you, who is very choosy about who she dates, so much so that she hasn't had a steady bf in years.

 

She doesn't realize that she is the one cutting herself off from some really great dates because she is being shallow about some small trait in them...I hope that isn't what you are doing.

 

It will be a long lonely life if you are looking for perfection!

[silky88]

whoa...

 

at the risk of getting roasted i'm going to try to reply to this post (it seems that most of the optimists who have posted have gotten flambéd). but the tone of the post and the eloquence of the writing have lured me in.

 

first off, i was glad to see the progress through the thread that you are starting to see that you need to fix yourself and not expect a relationship to fix you. kudos on that. you need to be able to be happy on your own, with who you are, before someone else will be happy with you or attracted to you.

 

believe me, most women of the kind you are looking for can smell trouble a mile away by the time they are your (and my) age. we have been through enough to not want to fix anyone else's problems anymore. we've been through that before.

 

you list all your negative qualities, which is the first step on the road to fixing them. i am working on myself, too, and how i work against my own past negatives (including, as you did, neediness), is i ask myself several times a day whether what i am doing at that moment is right for me. is it making me a better person, or am i falling into old bad habits? am i changing my behavior to please others, or to please myself?

 

if you don't like you, no one else is going to -- it's like asking them to eat something that you already know tastes icky.

 

as for finding perfection in someone -- i applaud high standards. however, no one is completely perfect, and sometimes it takes a little while of getting to know someone before their good comes out. some people are not that great upon first impression (i know i come off as a * * * * * or a cold person at first because i speak little and watch a lot when i first meet people, but really i am a very caring person. i just take a little while to warm up to people).

 

it is unreasonable to "expect perfection" from another person. everyone has flaws. everyone screws up. everyone has scars. everyone gets into moods.

 

if you are looking for love, you first have to be able to accept a person's flaws as part of who they are. i'm clumsy and walk like a boy. my boyfriend gets "pms" (pissy man syndrome). i get grumpy after afternoon naps. my boyfriend can't drive for * * * * (for that matter, nor can i). we both drink too much. if i were to hold him up to some flawless ideal, i'd never be able to look past the fact that he can be a total space-cadet before he gets his morning coffee. instead, i find his flaws amusing and cute. and if he were a more exacting person, he'd probably be irritated that i fall asleep fifteen minutes into every movie we've ever watched on his couch. but he lets me sleep, and tells me whether it's worth trying to watch again, and teases me good-naturedly about my "narcolepsy" in front of our friends. i love it.

 

i guess the sum of what i'm saying is that a relationship should be a match of equals. don't expect more from another person than you think you could provide for them.

 

there is someone out there for you, but i think you'll have to do a little mental housecleaning before you find her.

 

best of luck on the work ahead of you!

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Problem is: I'm exceptionally picky.

 

I want it all. Looks, someone who has the personality traits I'm looking for, someone I can get along really well with, someone who has a sense of humour, etc., etc. And of course, even if I actually find someone who possesses all those qualities in one person, then she has to be single (which rarely is the case with great catches like that)... and most of all (and obviously) she would have to be attracted to me, love me for me (eventually) and enjoy being with me.

 

Try getting all THAT in one shot! lol

I can't even get each of them in separate shots.

[-Hollywood-]

this is how i cope:

- i see a psychiatrist every two weeks or so just to get stuff off my chest and to figure out ways to make life less lonely. you'd be surprised how well counselling works

- i have a tree that i visit almost every week, especially now that the sun is shining more often. it's my own special place under which i can sit and contemplate how beautiful life is, depsite my loneliness and sadness

- i treat myself to something nice every so often---- hot chocolate, a good movie, sleeping in...... nothing beats a little spoiling every now and then

- i read

- i journal. a lot.

- i exercise. studies show and it's a proven fact anyway that endorphines that are released during exercise help relieve stress and anxiety and depression---- you feel good and look good as a result, and all the more reason for the ladies to love ya!

- i keep busy

 

these are some of the things i do to keep my mind off of being so terribly alone in this world. don't get me wrong, the pain is there, but at least i do things to cope, to distract, to live through another day. oh, and one other thing:

 

- i remind myself that there are other people in the world who are either in the same situation as i am, or are worse off.

 

take care.

-H-

[Kevin T]

I have a friend like you, who is very choosy about who she dates, so much so that she hasn't had a steady bf in years.

 

She doesn't realize that she is the one cutting herself off from some really great dates because she is being shallow about some small trait in them...I hope that isn't what you are doing.

 

It will be a long lonely life if you are looking for perfection!

 

Nah, not really.

 

I just want someone sexually attractive, romantic, kind (doesn't insult me lol), affectionate (I love to cuddle and all that stuff), compassionate and has faith in God. That's not too much, is it?

[Beyondthesea]

No, but if you are cutting out dates on the first date because they don't exhibit every trait immediately that is a problem. So long as you are not doing that, you're fine.

[easyguy]

Well, as someone who doesn't really have any friends, I am always coping by just doing what I enjoy and not worrying about the whole lonliness thing too much. I know it's there, but I try and not let it take over me. Every once in a while I just have the urge to cry because I am so lonely, then I realize that everything is okay, and it's not the end of the world.

 

Good music is food for the soul when times are getting tough. Also, playing music is can be very therapeutic.

[Tylin]

I'm married and I get lonely. When my husband gets in a bad mood, I'll usually let my dog on the bed she will curl up and take a nap with me. Dogs love you even when you forget dinner.

[Dako]

I don't think you can be lonely with a dog around.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I'm still lonely.

 

I'm still masturbating.

 

Coping sure can be fun.

[wlfpack81]

Deleted by user

[Tylin]

Cmon there's a difference b/t being in a relationship and being lonely and being lonely b/c you have no one special (as in a gf or bf) to share your life with. That's the kind of loneliness we're talking about here.

 

I understand the lonliness you are talking about here-- I wasn't always married.

But I respectfully disagree. I've been on both sides of that fence and it can feel very empty on either side depending on the situation. A LTR is not something that can completely satisfy a person in itself.

[JJRadical]

...but of them all the most valuable, I tell ye, are friends good and true. Have these, and yel will scarce notice the lack if ye never win aught else.

-Sharanralee

Year of the Wandering Maiden

[corvidae]

I coped by going a bit mad, becoming bitter and resentful, and generally spiralling down into myself. I wouldn't recommend it.

[Kevin T]

Been there, done that.

[need2bme]

I coped by going a bit mad, becoming bitter and resentful, and generally spiralling down into myself. I wouldn't recommend it.

 

Way too funny and true. I too have been there. I work on contracts, which mean no place is ever "home". That is why this breakup is that much worse. We live together and now I have no home to go "home" to.

[Halfempty]

I can't believe it it's like I'm reading 90% of myself in Kevins posts. I tried a similar thread on another forum, feel free to go read it:

 

link removed

 

I'm a little more upbeat but I made almost the exact same points and everyone refuses to except the fact that I have issue I can't change. Unlike Kevin I havent even had the privlage of a first love, My peer group consists of about the same 10 or 12 people and non of them are in a position to set me up on a blind date and I wouldn't go even if they could because I don't have the social skills to navigate something so loaded.

[Halfempty]

After reading your thread I started to end my thread at the other forum. not because I'm joining yours as I can see after 90 some odd posts your problem is barely any better than mine was after not even a 3rd of that.

 

We just arnt going to find an answer, we are destined to roam the world in a constant state of anger and depression until we either die or something outside of our sphere of influence changes the status quo. You arnt going to find the perfect one you're after any more than I'm going to find the adequet one I'm after. I doubt they'll ever find use because they just arnt looking abd I won't blow smoke up your * * * that maybe I'm wrong and there is something tht can happen but it's all we can do to keep moving.

 

people do still rely on us for things, I have a project I need to finish for my friends so I can't let this depression stop me any more... atleast for a while. I'm sure in a couple of weeks I'll be back to feeling crappy but what can I do>?suicide just means I let more people down. so I keep going hoping that I can brighten someone's day.

 

remember folks a "thank you" or an appricitative acknoledgment can help a person more thank you think, for some of us it's all we have to go on.

 

Thanks Kevin, You didn't actually help my problem but you;ve made it possible that I'm not beating my head against the wall as hard as I was yesterday.

[eleanorrigby1]

If I had someone great (emphasis on great), I would not be nearly as depressed. In fact, I believe I would not be depressed at all. And you'll never lead a fulfilled life single and alone. At least, I won't. Thus, depression. Giving someone surgery for a broken foot is useless when they have a broken hand.

 

You cannot give someone that responsibility, this is within you. Imagine you do meet someone, and they are great, but you dont feel better and your life isnt suddenly marvellous, does that mean this person isnt great anymore? becaus they havent magically taken away your pain?

 

Until you are comfortable with yourself how can you espect anyone else to be? no can save you, or rescue you. You have to rescue yourself. No one is going to come along and say "oh look at that depressed miserable man over there, how attractive! i think I will go over and have a relationship with him"

 

I live alone, I was extremely lonely and low and some weekends I would wake on a Saturday morning and think "why?" I had no plans, no one to visit, even though I have friends they were with their boyfriends, or on holidays or weekend breaks. My parents have a caravan and they go away every weekend. I would go to the shop and buy two bottles of wine and a packet of cig and at 1pm Saturday afternoon I would be lay on my sofa watching old movies drinking myself to sleep, then I would wake up on sunday and do a similar thing, Monday people would say "did you have a nice weekend?" and I would say "oh yes thanks" and think "weekend? what weekend!"

 

I know loneliness, I know that feeling that no one will ever want us.

 

Then I enrolled on a college course, I made some more friends and I started to feel a lot more positive about my life, so what if I didnt have a significant other, I began to enjoy my college course, spending time with my new friends, going to work, I started to feel generally happier, then all of a sudden I found myself inundated with dates, last summer at the same time I had 10 different guys ringing and texting me, I met my boyfriend at that time and he was laughing at how much competition he had, I never told him that it was a new thing for me either!

 

I still think it was my own positiveness and the fact that I was no longer looking that helped me find it.

 

You need to discover happiness before you can share it.

[Kevin T]

I agree that being happy and positive can help draw people to you... but it's not the be all and end all of attraction, at least, not with everyone.

 

I'm glad things worked out for you; that's awesome. However, what worked for you may not necessarily work for someone else. And I guarantee that (despite your positive attitude and such), that there were definitely other factors at play with getting inundated with dates in your past.

 

Yeah, being positive can definitely help, but it hardly solves every problem lonely individuals face.

[Halfempty]

Man I wish I'd have come here first. My thread was full of that "don't worry, be happy" type of response.

[Kevin T]

Yet the idealist in me wants to say "Keep looking, don't give up hope, blah, blah, blah..." I'm torn.

[Halfempty]

The realist in me says "You can't control another person's desires". They have to be interested in you atleast a little bit before you'd have a chance with them which is why I'd prefer to atleast be friends with someone before it evolves into more.

 

The thing is we keep looking weather we want to or not, it's human nature unfortunately. Just walking around a store you think "hey she's kinda cute" but who in their right mind risks going after someone you know nothing about at all. Just because she attracts you that dosent mean there arn't 5 things about her you'd immidietly hate about her that arnt evident. (ie, drug user, alcoholic, tattoos, mental instability, chews bubblegum, golddigger, etc.)

 

When people say you need to like yourself first before other's will I find that ridiculous because it dosent take into effect that I could be my own biggest fan and look like some kind of slug creature, the only woman that might like me then would have to be blind possibly deaf. There is somethingto be said for having charisma if you arnt always down on yourself but that's only a tiny portion of the relationship equation.