just a depressing thought....

[teacup]

sometimes i have flashbacks when i think about things he said or did. and wonders of wonders.......MOST if not all of the thoughts are usually something very horrible or negative.

 

i remember one time i was in a restaurant with him. and we had finished eating. he said "want to make a run for it?" i was like....??? i said, no, i'll just pay. and i did. but he wasn't kidding. he meant it. come to think of it, he's probably done the run and eat thing many many times in his past. but he was encouraging me down his path of evil.

 

i mean, he is very sneaky, manipulative, a liar. he could easily have hidden and gotten away with it. but me, i was always the good girl......i never wanted to be bad. i would have gotten caught, hurt or jailed for sure.

 

thinking back on it makes me so sick. his lack of empathy for anyone but himself. encouraging me to break the law, i think he is gleeful when i get in trouble. it is SO SICK!!!!!!

 

i am glad i am OUT because i am sure i would have ended up dead, homelss and mentally insane or in jail. i am so sure of it.

 

i thank god everyday for the gift of my life and being free.

 

i remember other memories, like when i went on a roller coaster for the first time in a long time and when i got off of it, i felt dizzy and a bit sick. and he was really mad at me, he accused me of ruining the day. memories like that.......i have so many cruel, vile memories of his crap.

 

and i honestly cannot tell you any genuine moments of kindness and goodness. and he still wants to come back?! NOT FOR AN ETERNITY. i WOULD rather die.

 

he is trash or fit to wipe my shoes on.

 

i want to express my anger, pain, sorrow, confusion, and sympathy for the innocent trusting girl i was.

 

that creep.

[Bethany]

Teacup, both those things have happened to me.

 

It's not EVIL to say 'make a run for it', it's a spur of the moment thing, said as a bit of risque fun. It's against the law and wrong sure, but it's not EVIL.

 

And I know on times, I've been a misery guts and over dramatised dizziness for a bit of sympathy in my earlier years and had it thrown back in my face as being attention seeking drama queen who is spoiling the fun. But you know what, I probably was.

 

You' re describing what happened to average people in average relationships and I see no EVIL or SICKness in what he did on those two occasions.

[kuhl282000]

teacup

 

Some people are just evil in life i have found out the hard way myself. Those are the people you want to run like the wind from. Sounds like a real creep to me and I would not ever give a moments though and let him take up any space in my head again. You we're the smarter and better person, let him go and make someone elses life a living hell, but not yours.

Don't waste you're time with creeps like this, not ever again, you did the right thing.

 

May you find some peace now

 

Kuhl

[ElektraHere]

Teacup,

 

Why do you ruminate on bad things all the time? You must have positive things you can think about?

 

Yes you have made some bad choices in men and hopefully you will be more perceptive in the future. It's time to get out of this bizarre circle of detructive thoughts and move forward. Its like your stuck or that your are choosing to obsess about these type things. Your life will be alot easier if you can just let it go.

[Beyondthesea]

Teacup, if you really are that glad to be free, use your 'jerk radar' and don't date anymore of them! After being abused, I can smell a moron a mile away and steer waaaaaay clear of them. Remember that many of your abusive situations are by choice and you don't have to get yourself into them.

Choose to not allow yourself to be abused.

 

Also, do try to be positive too You don't have to always reminice on all the bad things that have happened to you. Move forward instead of dwelling on the past.

[yeawutever]

Teacup, seems that you'll keep putting yourself in bad positions and not quite learning anything from your past experience. Yes, there're jerks, abusers, liars, all over here. But what's more concerning is you are seeing the red flags already and yet still stick to it. Why??? Why are you allowing it??? It's like stepping and tripping on the same exact rock twice or more.

And try not being so negative all the time, people are gonna get tired of that. They wouldn't want to hear all the time of how you were abuse nor the hardships you went through. Think about the generalize statement can offend those guys who got hurt also. Yes, there has to be at least something positive. Not everything is about getting lost forever in the woods and never finding your way through, there's always a special moment.

And try to stop thinking about waiting to be rescue or for the special moment waiting to happen. If you're in counseling, continue being there, it's very helpful and constructive. But then, you have to find your way yourself, no one's gonna be your savior.

 

 

[teacup]

Teacup, both those things have happened to me.

 

It's not EVIL to say 'make a run for it', it's a spur of the moment thing, said as a bit of risque fun. It's against the law and wrong sure, but it's not EVIL.

 

And I know on times, I've been a misery guts and over dramatised dizziness for a bit of sympathy in my earlier years and had it thrown back in my face as being attention seeking drama queen who is spoiling the fun. But you know what, I probably was.

 

You' re describing what happened to average people in average relationships and I see no EVIL or SICKness in what he did on those two occasions.

 

yes, but he also encouraged me to shoplift and steal. he would stalk me down the street. he used to steal cars and was in juvie for grand theft. he was in a violent gang and used to do house break-ins. he would show me how to break into my own apartment, he actually broke in a few times when i wasn't around to let him in. add that to his cheating, lying, manipulation, deception. given his history, and knowing him, it wasn't about innocent fun or spontaneity. it was about getting me in trouble. plus we were both way over the legal age. i could have gone into the slammer and gotten into serious trouble. as it was i used to walk up and down the streets outside my apartment at night talking to myself and homeless ppl. i thought i was going crazy from his torment.

 

 

i just write this out because it clears out my head to set it down. i think i have some posttraumatic stress and that's why i obsess. argh.

[yeawutever]

In other words if some guy were to tell ya to jump out the clift would ya do it?

[teacup]

now? i would probably drive away as fast as i could. and NEVER have contact with him.

 

but i was very very sick then. i was VERY messed up in the head and i trusted him too. i cared about him. i loved him. (it's absurd, i know, i am just in disbelief that i think about it now).

 

you have no idea how brainwashed one can get in an abusive relationship. i had no identity. i didnt even feel like a person anymore. i was a hollow empty shell, a walking ghost. i was destroyed.

 

the mindset of an abuse victim is one that is very traumatized....shell shocked....and very unhealthy. who wouldn't be being in that type of violent situation?

 

so.....yeah i am so lucky to be alive. i seriously would have suicided, ended up homeless, went insane, gotten involved with drugs and alcohol to cope, jumped off a building, killed him or ended up dead or in jail.

 

it really is a blessing to be alive and healthy and FREE. but that is why i say, nobody deserves to be abused.

 

it's a situation that people dont grasp and understand until they've been in it.

[Beyondthesea]

Well hon I've been there, and can honestly say I understand how much pain and shame you feel. Just don't get into another relationship like it and move forward.

[Bethany]

Teacup, it's a perfect example of NEVER ignoring your gut feeling. Use it everytime you feel something is wrong, when that you shouldn't go down that 'dark alley'. But more importantly, use it when a good hand reaches out in the darkness to help you... does this feel right? Concenrating on the good gut feeling will help you in time re-learn to trust people.

[itsallgrand]

teacup,

I'm so glad you are alive and healthy and out of those dangerous, abusive situations!

 

It's good to get this stuff out. It really is. Just don't get sucked into a routine of obsessing on all the bad stuff and forgetting to see what is good right now. At least equal, allow yourself joy and to be happy. That's a large part of it.

 

peace

[teacup]

itsallgrand, thank you for your kind words.

 

i am gradually doing better.

[Tigris]

You did the right thing getting away from him. Like you said you are a lot better person than scum like him. Forget about him. The past is the past. Think of the present and the future.

 

Well done for walking away!

[thebastardchild83]

Feeling the same way you are now Teacup, been hurt so many times, yes I fell in love so fast, I didn't realize they just wanted lust. Even my mother abandoned me as a little 6 year-old child in the movies late at night. I saw her running away, trying catching on to her, saying "Mom, mooommmmmmm, think she heard me, cuz she ran faster, got in the car, and it was bye bye forever. So basically all I ever had was Dad on my side, but no use, no women ever love me.

[Gracelove]

I can appreciate your feelings.

In bad relationships it can be the little things that hurt the most.

People just think so differently.

Sometimes it can feel like the person you were with was from another world.

I don't know, in the relationship with my ex, in retrospect, maybe my silence is what hurt me the most, ya know.

It was like, I was silent, and I let him hammer me with his cruel actions and negativity.

Then when I wanted to speak, I was beat down so, that I couldn't.

Is that how you feel? Was it that way with you?

How might you have felt if you told him, "Have you lost it? Do you think I'm actually going to leave here without paying? You've gone mental!"

[LOL! that last part, "you've gone mental" is from Wayne's World. I find the phrase quite amusing]

I know that's not extremely articulate, but what if you said something along those lines?

Do you think it would have made you feel better?

Maybe you can go-over it in your mind, and imagine yourself saying that to him, and then picture the look of surprise on his face.

I don't know, but that gives me satisfaction.

[teacup]

he's not a good person. i dont respect him. hopefully, i am better at picking good men now. i would like a genuine good guy. =) but all in good time.