Inappropriate feelings

[lostandadrift]

Where to start? I'm a middle-aged mother of 2 teenagers and an 8 year old, married for 17 years. Upper-middle class, no addictions, make my kids wear safety helmets, bake apple pies, drive my SUV, you get the picture. About 4 years ago the marriage began turning stale, my husband became distant and an angry disciplinarian to my son. The bond we always had began to slip. I was dissatisfied and bored with my life. I decided it would be fun to get a foreign exchange student to bring some interest and excitement to the house and particularly for my son who was extremely interested and knowledgable about European history, culture and language. Surprisingly, my husband agreed. We chose a boy a year older than my son who could share his room. We, but mostly I, wrote to Peder for six months before he was to arrive. About his life, about his expectations, about arrangements. I threw myself into preparations to make the transition easy and comfortable for him. I was in frequent contact with the school ironing out registration and medical details, I set-up my son's room and the house to be ready for him. I was so excited about this adventure and meeting my new child. I loved him before he got here.

Peder arrived here last August. I picked him up with the kids, my husband was at work. I was ecstatically happy, and took him directly to meet my husband. It was immediately clear my husband did not share or appreciate my excitement. I instantly became protective of my new son and willing to overcompensate for any lack of effort on my husbands part.

My husband worked a lot thru the fall. I spent all my time with the 4 kids. I was aware that every day of my new life with Peder here was better than any of the days before. He was fun, enthusuastic, kind and considerate ( a quality not often seen in my house before). He breathed life into my life. I was happy doing anything for him or with him. We picked his classes, talked to the athletic coach, ironed out problems with the principal and a teacher. I loved it all, and he appreciated me! He thanked me often and would in turn do nice things for me! For the first time in YEARS someone was caring about what I cared about and caring about me. I began leaning on him emotionally. We would talk often on the phone during the day, or text message when he was at school. He would buy thoughtful gifts for my youngest and discuss problems I had with the older two. When I would go food shopping, he would volunteer to go with me. He'd ride his bike to my job and bring me cookies, or write me from school to arrange going out for a bite to eat after class. We spent a great deal of time together or in contact. It was a genuine relationship, but not physical. No "sweet nothings" were shared and the conversation was not one of lovers. But I loved him, and I think he loved me in a way. He was physically beautiful, 6'4", 180lbs and built like an athlete. And the foreign accent melted me. I was so attracted, but managed to not act on it, but it was a constant struggle. I lost the struggle one time and kissed him. It was a peck, not passionate, but it meant something to me.

It all came crashing down around me over Thanksgiving. My mother sensed the closeness Peder and I shared and she immediately assumed it was sexual. She became drunk and started sharing her thoughts with my husband who already had his own and fed on them. He threw Peder out of the house after threatening bodily harm to him and Peder admitting I had kissed him. Oh what a horrible day. So now he lives with a friend, a mile or two away. He asked me not to write as it reminded him of all the trouble, and my husband forbid it anyway. I haven't seen him ,except once or twice at a distance. The grief, and anger, and loss I felt were unbearable. I cried everyday. It's almost six months now and I'm not much better. I think about Peder everyday, could still cry at any time, and can't completely let go of the anger at my husband, although I understand his reaction. And I can't make myself fall back in love with my husband no matter how hard I try and that I know that's where my future is. Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated. I can't stand living like this.

[Dako]

Wow.

 

Does your husband know the real problem, or just that you got attached to Peder? I get the feeling you've been deprived of real affection for so long, it just had to surface sometime. Sure you were wrong to kiss him, but you restrained yourself from going further. That's admirable.

You husband needs do more than get angry. He needs to show you some understanding.

 

You mentioned that your husband works a lot and isn't there for you. I realize the stress that brings, but most couples manage to make up for it somehow. You seem lonely.

[lostandadrift]

I am lonely. I've made a real effort to develop friendships with woman my age, and that's going well and is helpful. We discuss the epidemic of mid-life crisis we all seem to be going thru, but I haven't discussed this. It's nice to have some connections outside of my immediate house.

My husband and I have been in counseling for this together and separately. He really thought I had a mental breakdown initially, has backed off that, but I still think he thinks I'm damaged goods. He has been very FORGIVING, really making every effort to make things right, spend time together, talk, re-connect, etc., and he's not working like he was, but UNDERSTANDING? No. I don't think he really understands what happened or what Peder did/does mean to me. He takes almost no responsibility for what happened and puts it on me. And I take it I guess. The last time I spoke honestly about still having thoughts about Peder my husband started planning on throwing me out of the house into another house we were about to sell. I don't think it would be wise of me to be so honest again. He can't stand it. And now I just look at him and try to get the positive feelings back, but they're not there. Guilt? I don't know. Maybe the relationship is too dead to be revived. And I can't accept Peder will not be a part of my life in any way, not even e-mail. What happened to "it's never wrong to love someone?" I feel like my happiness is being punished.

[Dako]

I hope therapy or counseling can be more beneficial. Unless you can repair your marriage, you don't have a happy life ahead.

You obviously need more that you're getting, and Peder might not be an appropriate person to get it from. You need to make some choices if you really can't accept living this way.

Starting over is difficult. I'm doing it right now, and trying to make good decisions with my head instead of my heart. It isn't easy, is it?

 

I tried to PM you, but you aren't accepting them.

[lostandadrift]

I don't know what PM is.

I've always thought with my heart AND my head who have always agreed. Now they don't and it may be the hardest thing I've experienced. My head knows what is best, it's pretty simple. My heart won't follow. I don't want to start over, I know I have a good thing and need to make it work. I'll think about the things you have said. Thanks for taking the time to try and help. It's nice to be able to speak frankly about this.

[novaseeker]

Counseling and therapy should help your husband to understand the role he played in "setting the table", as it were, in terms of creating the situation where you would become romantically attracted to someone like Peder. That, at a mimimum, is a level of "understanding" he has to come to at some stage if your relationship is going to work out. People in his situation often resist that realisation because they think "well, I'm not the one who actually did anything...", but the reality is that you would likely never have developed those kinds of feelings for Peder if you had been in a happy marriage that was satisfying for you, and your husband certainly played a role in that, whether it's pleasant or self-affirming for him to recognise that or not.

 

As for you, you have to realise for yourself that you can't possibly work on your marriage if you remain in close contact with Peder. It's a hopeless situation because you will be comparing your feelings for him (which are, admittedly, unrealistic, not subject to the regular pressures of life, and unlikely to develop into any lasting relationship) with he cooled feelings you have for your husband, when in fact that comparison, being one of apples to oranges, really is irrelevant for whether you can fix your relationship with your husband, or not. It sets up a false comparison that your husband will lose every single time, and that undoubtedly will make any clear thinking about your marriage much harder to do.

 

I wish you luck with this, it is very hard to deal with what you are dealing with. It's almost like starting a new relationship with your husband (or deciding whether you want to do that), but it seems to me like both you and him need to understand your own respective preconditions to be able to think about that clearly.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

I assume your husband used to be like Peder. Not exactly the same, but his best qualities are probably what made you fall in love with him. Over time, those faded. Over time yours faded too. If you ran off with Peder into the sunset, how long would it be before that romance faded? 6 months? After a length of time, you would get to know his not so good qualities, and it would get under your skin just like your husband. He was just a band aid for the bigger problem. I see two solutions. Rekindling your marriage, or a divorce. Either one will have a big emotional toll on you.

[Momene]

I had a crush on a colleague at work. I got excited in her presense and some of the attraction was mutual. I don't know if your marriage is/was "bad" per se but it definitely was lukewarm. As someone who's been married as long as you, I know a lot about what you mean. Everyday life and problems you face can get to you and so can difficulties you face in life.

 

I never did anything but felt tempted.

 

I'm afraid the Peder would never have returned your feelings in the way you'd wish.

 

I think your only options are to find some sort of peace with your husband or separate and arrange access to your children. I don't think you'll ever rekindle the spark that was once there, sorry.

[lostandadrift]

Actually he couldn't be much more different than my husband. Peder was sensitive, thoughtful, and caring, my husband is very funny, the life of the party, always keeping it light because he doesn't like serious discussion of feelings. Doesn't try to hurt anyone, but doesn't think about how he might be affecting them either. Ever. A real romantic relationship with Peder was never a consideration, but I miss what he brought to my life. He filled a void of psychological intimacy and trust I had, and now have again. ( my PM is now activated)

[AwdreeHpburn]

lostandadrift - I'm sorry for your predicament.

 

Have you thought about leaving? Or is that not an option for you?

[lostandadrift]

Yes, but that seems like a last resort. it's not only our lives but the children as well and I don't think a year of trouble and 6 months of therapy is enough to throw in the towel. I've been searching for the cause of the strength of my attachment to Peder. I think I was starved of kindness and considerateness, and it had been so long since someone wanted to be with me for the pleasure of my company. That alone is an aphrodisiac. I also think I am at the point in my life that I want to give more of myself, kind of why we invited an exchange student anyway, and I found it so completely fufilling to do so. It's so great to give of yourself in a situation where it is not your duty as it is with your own family. So I fell in love with how he made me feel on many levels. And he was beautiful, foreign, and forbidden. My marriage was what it was, my needs were what they were, and Peder arrivedwhen he did. It was "the perfect storm", the conditions were just right.

I am now trying to find other friends who want to be with me, other people to give to, and to be less dependent on my family nucleus for everything. I need to broaden my horizons and be more of an independent individual.

[dopexile]

lostandadrift I can definitely understand how you feel trapped on this one. Your husband probably felt jealous when peder arrived and after a while he began to displace your husband in many aspects I would guess. Any guy that comes along and gives you the time could cause more tension in your relationship. Perhaps some counseling can fix things, but if your husband doesn't enjoy your company then it may be time to move on sad as it is to say.

[Momene]

Aren't you close to your children? My daughter and I really enjoy each others' company and it compensates for my wife being lukewarm at times.

[lostandadrift]

To dopexile - you are exactly right. My husband seemed jealous IMMEDIATELY, like he had a competitor from the very first day. A horrible way to start. And Peder did displace him in many ways.

 

To Momene - I am very close to the kids, and that has a lot to do with the situation I find myself in now. When my husband began being very strict and rigid and even bordering emotionally abusive to my son about when he hit puberty ( why is my husband so easily threatened?), he in a way forced me to choose between him and my son. I chose my son. I couldn't stand by and watch him treated so poorly, not when he and his sisters have been my primary focus. My husband sort of attacked what had been my life project and it really alienated him from me. My kids definitely compensated for the emotional loss of my husband.

All this said, my husband and I have really been working hard at putting our marriage back together and it seems to be paying off. He still has the qualities I fell in love with initially and I think we still can compliment eachother nicely. There was a lot of external stress in our lives for the past 4 years which is now gone, giving us the ability to refocus on the marriage which was clearly backburnered. I have also come to the realization that it is my CHOICE to leave or stay in the marriage, I'm not being forced to stay. It feels less oppressive when you look at it like that. Mostly I really need to rediscover myself as an individual. It's seems every woman my age that I know is just now waking up and realizing they have given themselves entirely up to their children and marriage, and they don't even know who they are or what they want anymore. It's a scary feeling.

[Momene]

Wow! I can relate to SO much of what you say!! Although we've had some pressures throughout our marriage, they became particularly bad about 2 years ago and the damage hasn't been totally repaired. EXternal stress like health, money and bereavement puts a huge strain on even a good relationship. Although many men relate to their identity to their careers because my career has stagnated, I'm unable to do that and I, too, seem to relate to what a lot of "women of a certain age" say, even though I'm a straight bloke. I feel like I've been in some sort of mid-life crisis for the last 20 years!

[lostandadrift]

Momene,

Tell me about your mid-life crisis. I'm classically 41 and it hit me, but I see I'm really not alone. I followed the rule book for a happy life my whole life: obedient child, great student, college, married, 3 kids and whoa!! Here I am on the other side and suddenly my rule book ended!! There has always been some societally correct activity I should be doing, that I did, at every stage of my life and for the VERY FIRST TIME, I'm faced with now having to decide what it is I WANT TO DO. That's never really been a question or a possibility until now. I think maybe I had some sort of vague idea in my twenties, but putting yourself behind the needs of others for so long you forget who you are. Or maybe I never had real goals. I think Michealangelo said," The danger is not setting your goals too high and failing to reach them, the danger is stting your goals too low and achieving them." I think maybe that's what I did and why I find myself so lost now.

[Dako]

This is a great thread. Too bad the young folks might not read it.

I think men and women go through a real rough time when the marriage has carried them into midddle age and the obvious goals are all achieved, there's money in the bank and things seem so easy.

Now what?

 

In her case, she decided to end the marriage. My crisis began at that point.

Now What?

 

Get married again?

Travel?

Buy a Vette?

Chase women?

Watch TV and drink beer?

Make the world a better place for mankind?

Get fat?

Work out and get fit?

Suicide?

Feel lonely and depressed?

 

So many choices.

It's like being a teenager, except with a reliable car, a credit card and crappy eyesight.

[lostandadrift]

I like you, Dako!

 

It's EXACTLY like being a teenager again, except with a touch more desperation and a touch less optimism and enthusiasm. It's scarier because time is shorter and you need to get it right!

[Dako]

Thanks.

I used to laugh at the antics of midlife guys. Now I'm ashamed of myself. It's a lot different when it's your own bacon in the fire.

It's a powerful thing to experience after years of being slightly jaded. Everything's so vivid and has such depth. It's like a different level of appreciation for life.

 

I'm so full of BS!

[lostandadrift]

Well, I can say I'm certainly not the least bit judgemental anymore! I'm cured!! I got taken down by falling in love with a 17 year old, who am I to judge anyone else?

 

Walk a mile in their shoes..., right?

 

Please don't be ashamed of yourself. ( I'm actually not, and I probably should be) It's nice to look at things with a fresh perspective, right? The old one gets so boring after years and years....

[Momene]

I think that by the time you reach middle age, those goals that you haven't made are no longer achievable. In my case I can take some comfort from my astronomical activities.

[mmmending]

This is a great thread. Too bad the young folks might not read it.

I think men and women go through a real rough time when the marriage has carried them into midddle age and the obvious goals are all achieved, there's money in the bank and things seem so easy.

Now what?

This exchange between everbody here, really, has lingered with me.. I wanted to post yesterday, but thought I'd sleep on it. This resonates in me in a positively unsettling sort of way.

 

Yes, this is a great thread!!!

 

For me, the moment hasn't felt right to jump in and post my story, so to speak.

 

But if I can chime in and say, I have lived more than half my life, am in my late forties now. In a funny way I still have that youthful exuberance still, I think.. less as a middle-aged teenager, I believe, than some - heh, of the many gifts to being their father, I know my teenage kids would (to use their skillful insertion of "so") sooo call me on it if I were.

 

In spite of difficult and painful periods of life experience, I have come through it without the cynical defence I saw my father imprison himself in, while he went through this period of life - a factor, which I believe was as much a feature of his generation as anything - I don't blame him.

 

What I can say (and when I finally take that deep breath to shed light on why I come here), I see that in my actions of the last three years in particular, I have lived in a way that has challenged, if not blown apart the personal folklore I have protected, cultivated, constructed about myself over time. I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now, and have had some exhilirating insights into this, and into some recent "life lived".

 

I'm a rebel, non-confirmist, unconventional (I am a wasp prince who is a practicing buddhist.. dunno, maybe this is a rite of passage for wasp princes)- yet still, in many ways, I see that as an "adult", I have lived in this funny construct, which has proven to be the opposite to what would make me feel happy. I accepted "love the one your with" intimacy with my stbx wife, I strove after "measureable accomplishment" and conversely turned my back on some easily achievable vanity projects, chose the moral high-ground and mistook righteousness for compassion.. blah, blah, blah - you get the picture.

 

The language used to describe this time of life is very disparaging - mid-life crisis, middle-aged crazy, menoporsche, what have you.. and I think many do themselves real harm by buying into these characterizations.

 

What I think is very valuable to those of us, who, in this thread and in general, are living in this time of life, is the watershed aspect of it.. really, a time to let go of those chattels, decorations of power, and the illusion of status and all of it.. it is a great time to simply "get real".

 

I hope that some young folk do read this, in the wish that what we have posted here may give them an insight into the humanity of their parents.

 

I'll get off my soapbox now.

 

Thank you, lostandadrift, for the openness and honesty in putting this one on the table.

[Arrowsmith]

I'm 35, so I guess I don't really qualify as one of the young people that you hope will be reading this great thread. Still, I've gotten an awful lot of out of it - Thanks to all of you who have been posting your stories.

 

Lostandadrift: I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, and I sincerely hope that the support you've found here as helped a little.

 

Do any of you have any advice as to how one might avoid having a mid-life crisis?

[Dako]

It'd be like trying to avoid being a teenager when you're 10. It's a part of life like many others, not a disease. It's probably best to understand it exists so you can recognize it.

[mmmending]

A question you more senior enotalone-ers: do you have any advice as to how to avoid a mid-life crisis? What should I be doing now to minimize my risk (I'm unmarried and still have the potential to switch career paths).

Beautiful question..

 

In my opinion, I think the best thing to avoid mid-life crisis, is NOT to avoid mid-life crisis.

 

Secondly, I think it is very harmful to couch this time of life, however you wish to call it, in these catastrophic terms, because it creates a kind of perception of poverty of experience, when in fact, by the very living it, you gain a lot of understanding about yourself, and those around you.. it really enriches life.

 

And thirdly, this time is a great leveller, without having to die of or from it.. not to go all "woo-woo" on you, but I see that life is life.. not "my" life, "a" life, "the" life.. in a way, well for me at least, I think I'm starting to see, that some of the suffering in life isn't so personal, or personalized.. it simply "is" and, there is something in that insight that takes the anxiety out of living, when I see that there are many people who share experience similar to mine.

 

There is comfort in the belief that there really isn't an awful lot that truly separates us, other than the prison of what we think we know.