This is mostly directed towards the men...

[cacain119]

..And I refuse to make generalizations.. So I would just like to ask a series of questions...

 

Is it beneficial for you (a man) to away during a fight? Why do you do it? Do you do it because you know it will be hurtful to the woman? Do you do it for themselves? How can I get mine to stop doing this?

 

I find it just as disrespectful as a fight escalating (ie cursing, shouting, etc), it doesn't help me, it just adds to the fire... And I don't know how to get him to stop.

 

Thanks for listening.

[DN]

Depends what you mean by fight. If you mean that you are shouting or being accusatory then walking away is a reasonable option.

 

But if you mean that he won't talk in a calm and sensible way when you have a disagreement then what he is doing is harmful to the relationship.

[cacain119]

He'll just leave when he gets mad, not allowing any of us to get our points accross.. I'd even be up for *not* yelling, sitting down, and talking it out.. But then he hates that too -- he's just so (blank) stubborn.

[marijana]

Is it beneficial for you (a man) to away during a fight?

 

Huh? away? I am sorry I do not understand.

[cacain119]

ahh! sorry! "walk away"

[Iceman26]

It depends on the fight, to be honest. If name calling and insinuations are beginning, I usually will try and call a halt to the argument until both parties have calmed down.

[cacain119]

this is not even in the sense of wanting to talk things out though.. it's in the sense of just leaving... no end consequences.. I find it very cowardly.

[Iceman26]

I agree. If you walk out on a problem and then don't try and resolve it at a later point, the problem doesn't just go away.

[cacain119]

how can I get him to STOP doing it.. He's done it for as long as I can remember, and each time, it drives me closer and closer to the edge.

[DN]

He'll just leave when he gets mad, not allowing any of us to get our points accross.. I'd even be up for *not* yelling, sitting down, and talking it out.. But then he hates that too -- he's just so (blank) stubborn.

 

That seems as if you have never tried not yelling and sitting down to talk it out.

 

If you get mad at him every time you have a disagreement then his walking away is in reaction to that. It seems that maybe both of you need to know how to resolve disagreements. You seem to be aggressive, he seems to be passive-aggressive and neither away is constructive.

[cacain119]

well, when he's walking away, it's hard not to get angry just because that is my "trigger".. you know?

 

but if he would just settle down (he blows up too, he's not as passive as you make him out to be ) and just be willing to sit down.. but I don't know how to get him to stop -- I don't like ultimatums, I don't like giving, I don't like receiving, but I need to somehow let him know this has to stop because it's not constructive.

[Dako]

How, exactly did you confront him the last him the last two times he did something that upset you?

[cacain119]

I am not sure if that was rhetorical or not, but I have no problem answering it either way.

 

I didn't confront him this last time, he confronted me, and he judged my intents on something that he was dead wrong about and I told him that I didn't care as to what he thought my intents were because i knew them in my heart. That is when he walked away.

 

The time before that was as we were riding to a concert (an outdoor one) and he said he'd rather do something else other than my method of getting there, and I said we'd do it his way, and he started saying things I think are inappropriate for this site, but you know how fights are.

[HardShowingAffection]

Well, I also did not know how to handle arguments, and we would let them escalate into yelling, accusing, hurtful words. Eventually is put its toll on my relationship.

 

Once I was on my own, I started doing a ton of research to figure out how I could make things better for myself as well as for my partner. Here is some advice about arguing that I got out of it.

 

From "Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict" by Jonathan Robinson:

 

They call it a "Spoon Tune". Basically, you and your partner have an agreement... no matter how much you argue, or how intense it is, if one of you call the "Spoon Tune" you must agree. This is where you go somewhere and lay down... spooning, or standing if laying is not an option. At this point, the one behind puts their arms around their partner and they begin breathing deeply in unison. This occurs for 4 minutes. After the 4 minutes, emotions have calmed, and there is a MUCH greater chance to talk about things, or you may have realized that they aren't worth arguing about to begin with. By doing this exercise, you have contact with your partner and it soothes you and your emotions.

 

Another exercise mentioned was call "And What Else?" This is when you let the angry partner just vent. The only response the partner who is being attacked it allowed to say is "And What Else?" So the angry partner goes off as long as needed and the other just listens with "And What Else?" Once they are done venting, the angry partner feels good to get everything off their chest, while the other knows where they are coming from. The attackee is not supposed to respond with anything for at least 1 hour, at which time gives him time to gather thoughts and let things cool.

 

Those are two exercises that seemed logical to me, and albeit simple, seem like they could work.

 

Some important things to ask yourself is that no matter if you ARE right... would you rather argue and be right, or be happy? By not letting the argument get to that level, you are salvaging your happiness. Also, in the heat of the moment, sit and think about things you love about your partner, this helps ease tension/pain/anger. Have that list prepopulated in your head so the next time you argue, it triggers those thoughts of happiness and love instead of all the things that you are pi$$ed about. It will help!

 

Two other books that had great argument resolving techniques were:

"Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks

"Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw

 

I highly recommend reading all three! Hope this helps!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I have learned over the years to leave your man alone for awhile after a fight. Seriously. Let him cool his heals...if he cares about what happened...he will come back to discuss it when things are not so heated. I used to that when I was younger...after an argument with my BF at the time, I would worry about what happened, how he thinks of me, if he hates me, gosh...and when he would shut down. Then that would make things worse.

 

So, in my last relationship...I took a different approach. After an argument I would leave him be...I would do my own thing. When he was ready to talk, he always initiated the conversation. Try that and see how that works.

 

I am not generalizing here...this happened with every single guy whom I have dated. Just speaking from personal experience.

[cacain119]

I read relationship rescue in the beginning of our relationship and some belief-centered books as well throughout our relationship... He just feels so out of control sometimes, and there is nothing I can do about it.. your second exercise seems fitting though, if it could be done in a genuine and non-sarcastic way... I don't want it to become a and what ELSE, honey? thing, you know? that's the attitude that he takes right now. I always want to talk things out, he just feels it draws things out even longer, and he just wants it to be done with. He has so much stress other places, he doesn't like being stressed when it comes to us.. But giving that little attention to a relationship just seems to make it worse.. He hasn't caught on yet.

[Dako]

I didn't confront him this last time, he confronted me, and he judged my intents on something that he was dead wrong about and I told him that I didn't care as to what he thought my intents were because i knew them in my heart. That is when he walked away.

 

If you tell someone you don't care what they think, it makes further discussion impossible, doesn't it?

[cacain119]

how should I have approached that at the point that he is telling me what I think, and my motives, when he obviously doesn't know what I was thinking.

[tylercdurden2004]

This sounds like a typical difference in communication. Women and men "generally" have differing styles. For instance men tend to be more into the problem solving aspect ie coming up with suggestions to solve a particular problem. Women tend to gravitate towards the "just listen approach" simply wanting someone to hear them out. A couple of good books on this are:

 

You Just Dont Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

 

Thats Not What I Meant: How Converstaional Style Makes or Break Relationships

 

Both are by Deborah Tannen and are excellent reads. She is a professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University.

 

From my personal experiences a balance is needed. As a guy I have learned to listen more when a GF brings up an issue. However if the issue keeps coming up ie a lot of talking and no action I find myself getting more and more frustrated.

 

I have to echo Dakos thoughts on this. If you tell him you dont care about what he thinks of your intentions well its up to you to clarify them if you care to. Simply saying you know what your intentions are is not communcation, it in facts says you would like him to read your mind. Now if its a continual thing you are experiencing then I would suggest rec onsidering if your communcation styles are compatible to continue.

[cacain119]

I appreciate your input, I'll definitely look into those, although I'm getting a little jaded on the books just from my previous attempts.. But maybe I've just been looking at the wrong ones.

 

Well, that comment was AFTER I had told him what my intents were, and then he continued to tell me they weren't. heheh... Love's funny like that.

[tylercdurden2004]

I appreciate your input, I'll definitely look into those, although I'm getting a little jaded on the books just from my previous attempts.. But maybe I've just been looking at the wrong ones.

 

Well, that comment was AFTER I had told him what my intents were, and then he continued to tell me they weren't. heheh... Love's funny like that.

 

I recommend those books because they are not airy fairy like some of the stuff I have seen. She is well respected in her field and the fact that she is a linguistics professor gives her some good weight. Have you ever wondered if he is asking about your intents cause he sees your actions as incompatible to what you say?

[Dako]

You can tell him he's not a mind reader and you'd like to speak for yourself, things like that. You don't need to raise your voice or show anger. He might still walk away, but it seems like you may both be trying to win a war over who's right. In these situations, it's easy to escalate things until either someone gets hurt emotionally or physically, or someone walks away.

I'd talk about how to solve conflicts when there are none. Make a deal with him to provide what you each need when things are tense. It really helped me to plan for the next disagreement so we could resolve it, have makeup sex and go to dinner instead of a long simmering tension.

[cacain119]

frankly, he was so caught up with what he was doing that there was no way he could have seen my actions. lol But that's another story for another day.

 

I wish I could keep him around for the possibility for make up sex, but he doesn't stick around... I just want to keep him in the same *house* at least until we can give each other a moments grace. Those are the moments I just say *You know, if you have to go accross town everytime you get upset, maybe we just aren't meant to be* because it's so heartbreaking every time. You know?

[tylercdurden2004]

frankly, he was so caught up with what he was doing that there was no way he could have seen my actions. lol But that's another story for another day.

 

I wish I could keep him around for the possibility for make up sex, but he doesn't stick around... I just want to keep him in the same *house* at least until we can give each other a moments grace. Those are the moments I just say *You know, if you have to go accross town everytime you get upset, maybe we just aren't meant to be* because it's so heartbreaking every time. You know?

 

Just sounds like your communcation style may be too different and you guys arent really able to connect. Its maybe time to look for someone who is more intune with you. This is only something you can decide.

[DN]

Would you say that most of your disagreements are minor or major?