marijana

Thanks guys, Right now I pay for all of the food. It works out to probably 800-1000/month for the two of us. I paid for his utilities up until now which were about 100/month. Now the utilities are in his name so I might not need to do that. I am also the only one putting gas in his car most of the time, probably costing abut 300/month even though I probably only put 20 km on it per month. He hasn't been the one to pay when we've gone out for dinner it about 7 months. Its okay really, I am not that high maintanance, I don't need a night out. But I can't pay for his living costs anymore. No, I haven't talked to his dad yet. I decided its not fair to do that yet until another big thing happens. Just because he really did just get this new job and maybe he has it figured out. But if this happens again on June 1st, I will definetly call his father. I can tell that my bf is trying harder now. Last night we were kind of forced (work thing) to go out to a restaurant and he didn't order a drink and a very minimally costing food. That isn't like him even if he is broke. Also this morning I saw that the poor guy took nasty left over food to work instead of buying lunch from the store. He never does stuff like that either unless I make his lunch for him. I am working on a letter right now insisting that we handle the finances together so that we both know what is going on. That way we can establish a better way to share the bills. thanks for your help guys

Well I tried having the talk with my fiancee last night but he got really frusterated. He promised we could talk about it later if its important to me. He paid the mortgage, but I found his western union loan slip. He was $1400 short. Another payment is due on the first. I have decided to cut him off of my money. I am not sure how I am going to do this though. I can stop paying the bills that I give him money for pretty easily. If there isnt groceries in the fridge, I buy them. It costs alot to feed a man in his late twenties. How am I supposed to stop that? Give him a bill for half? I know if I ask him he wont go and buy them. Maybe if we went together...

thanks guys, I realize what you're saying about really thinking before I marry him. But don't worry I am. I am taking one problem at a time before we even set a date. This would definetly be resolved before I step right into that. And I realize its my hard earned money he mishandles. It blows. I really wouldnt mind being the sole provider if I had complete control. But since we arent married, you know, he handles the bills still. I moved in with HIM. So it is difficult for me to say, okay, let me handle the payments now okay? I really wouldnt mind that kind of thing isnt difficult for me. I am working on writing him a letter. And I am very seriously considering calling his father.

His father just phoned me because the mortgage company got ahold of him. How would I go about setting up a coffee with him? "oh by the way, can we get together sometime so I can tell you fact for fact the reason why the mortgage company keeps calling you?" bah.

You guys might remember my previous post about my finance not being able to control his mortgage payments etc. Well the other day I was very emotional for medical reasons and so this morning after I had calmed down I decided to journal all the money problems that were bothering me. I find if I journal my problems in groups, I look back a few weeks later and am able to cross out alot of them because they have been resolved one way or another. It helps me grow and not sweat the small stuff. As I was journaling about his money problems, which involved mathematical budgeting, his mortgage company called me. They called on my phone because he cannot afford one right now (he recently quit his job which had a company phone). They called also looking for his father who actually gave him the loan for the downpayment of the house, and his name is on the agreement. The reason that they called is because he didn't pay at the beginning of the month, then missed the make up payment yesterday. Right now I am very tempted to call his dad to go out for coffee and tell him everything that his son has been doing so irresponsibly. We both know he has good intentions but he is just terrible with money. He is awesome at maintaining the house and the tenants, but cannot make it to the bank, or afford his very small portion of the mortgage. He cannot afford his own budget, and I cannot afford him anymore either. He is costing me alot of money. I work my but off and do not see the benifits of it. I really, really, want to talk to his mother or father. Someone either push me to do it or stop me!

Okay I get it now after reading your other posts. Sweetie, this guy is dirt. Whether he put the manager up to it or not, you need to keep the NC. That includes when he isnt watching (driving by his house isnt healthy for either of you). If it will help you, call him and talk to him calmly and tell him to stop leaving messages etc. Dont accuse him of the manager thing. Just tell him its over, and he needs to stop. If your going NC you need to be in it 100%. And dont answer anymore calls from his work. (((hugs))) good luck sweetie.

Huh? away? I am sorry I do not understand.

Thanks everyone, To answer some of your comments, his tenants cover most of the mortgage except for a couple hundred bucks. His problem is that he doesnt make it to the bank on time, or he sits there at the end of the month and waits for the tenants to show up. Then tells them "dont worry about it its all good" when they bring the rent late. So they think that its not a big deal and they can pay the rent whenever is convenient for them. I don't totally fear talking to him about this. It's just that he knows he has this problem and if I do suggest things he says, " I know, your right." But something else always comes up. I would gladly be the bookeeper but I am concerned that by the time I can really, truly, call this "my" house too, it will be too late. Cacain, don't worry we are still discussing dates so postponing the wedding isn't even an issue. The reason why this is just surfacing now is kind of complicated. But in a nutshell, up until a few months ago he owned the house with a business partner/friend who turned out to be irresponsible. I always knew about the money problems but they were usually sort of blamed on the other partner, but rightfully. Since he has bought him out of the deal, however, Jay is proving to be no more responsible with money than his partner was. So I was kind of waiting for it to get better before, and now I am seeing no improvement. Talking about it with you guys is making me more open to talking to him about it. I am thinking about a letter or just talking really calmly and with an understanding and caring manner tonight. If you have any advice on this conversation to be, please post!

My father has crazy priorities. He would rather hear that I have a drug problem ( I dont for the record) than that I am taking a year off of school. BeforeI got engaged, my partner tried sitting down and having coffee with him out of respect, even though me and my dad aren't that close. My dad threatened him and told him that maybe once I am finished school and am working for a few years that I can begin to think about a serious relationship. Right now I have a respectable career I am just going to school to fulfil my love for acedemics. I will eventually be getting my phd through distance education while starting my family. That is MY decision. But my father cannot understand that. So right now my father is extremely ashamed of my just like yours. I learned that I cannot change him. I just told him one day, "Dad, this is the last time we are going to have this conversation. This is what I am doing with my life. If you cannot accept this part of me then that is your sacrifice. There are things you do that I don't approve of but I love you just the same. If you want to be a part of my life still, its really just up to you. But I am not going to try to please you anymore. This is it. " I just put my cards on the table. But I came prepared to be completley disowned. You absolutley, cannot change a mans/womans beliefs at that age. You dad has believed that pre marital sex/drinking is a terrible thing his whole life. It is too difficult for him to accept it. You need to accept the fact that his acceptance will not happen. But that is just what worked for me. Good luck (((hugs)))

00b: Hi guys. I'm not really a newbie I used to post on here a loooooong time ago but I was under a different name (I completley forget it haha). Anyways, I am concerned about my financee's financial habits. When I met Jay he had just bought a house using a loan from his parents. I always assumed he paid his mortgage and everything was fine. He has a good job in trades but he ultimatly wants to invest in real estate and retire early off it. As we got closer, I found out he had some problems with spending money. He was late on a few car payments, credit cards, etc. But lately I found out he is having problems with his mortgage. One missed payment causes his credit score to go down 100 points and he missed another one last month. I got a call from his father this morning because the mortgage company phoned him. When Jay gets home from work he is supposed to phone his father right away and he is going to be frusterated and angry about it once again. Before it wasnt really any of my business. But if we are getting married I need to know that this problem isnt going to continue before we the bank evicts us! I have never owned a house. But I was the primary tenant on a lease agreement for a year and I know how difficult it is to collect rent from everyone and make sure the money is in the bank on time. But I made it a priority and it was ALWAYS in there. I believe his missed payments could be totally avoided with a little more preparation and a little less dependancy on his tenants reliability. Has anyone else gone through this? I don't know how to adress it without offending him. My biggest concern is for him because I feel that by lowering his credit score he is losing any chance of fulfilling his real estate goals. Any advice?