He can't control his money

[marijana]

00b:

 

Hi guys. I'm not really a newbie I used to post on here a loooooong time ago but I was under a different name (I completley forget it haha).

 

Anyways, I am concerned about my financee's financial habits. When I met Jay he had just bought a house using a loan from his parents. I always assumed he paid his mortgage and everything was fine. He has a good job in trades but he ultimatly wants to invest in real estate and retire early off it.

 

As we got closer, I found out he had some problems with spending money. He was late on a few car payments, credit cards, etc. But lately I found out he is having problems with his mortgage. One missed payment causes his credit score to go down 100 points and he missed another one last month. I got a call from his father this morning because the mortgage company phoned him. When Jay gets home from work he is supposed to phone his father right away and he is going to be frusterated and angry about it once again.

 

Before it wasnt really any of my business. But if we are getting married I need to know that this problem isnt going to continue before we the bank evicts us! I have never owned a house. But I was the primary tenant on a lease agreement for a year and I know how difficult it is to collect rent from everyone and make sure the money is in the bank on time. But I made it a priority and it was ALWAYS in there. I believe his missed payments could be totally avoided with a little more preparation and a little less dependancy on his tenants reliability. Has anyone else gone through this? I don't know how to adress it without offending him. My biggest concern is for him because I feel that by lowering his credit score he is losing any chance of fulfilling his real estate goals. Any advice?

[cacain119]

I know this may sound rash -- so take this or leave it -- but depending on how close your wedding is, I'd postpone until you trust his financial habits more... or maybe consider his and her accounts when you get married. What you DON'T want to get yourself into is "babying" him financially.. YOU don't want to start paying his payments because he can't, on time. What also concerns me about this, is why hasn't he been open about this? What else would he be keeping from you? ...And you guys are going to pledge to be together for life... You know? That could be my own paranoia, I just think there's more to this than you're letting on. Take care.

[Blsaphir]

I saw a similar situation on the Suze Orman show, about a woman who was going to marry her b/f of a long time, and he had financial problems, and she advised to not marry him until he saw his problem, and relized that it will only get worse, and started to be responsible with his money and spending habits. In your situation, I would say that if you do marry him b4 he gets his life in order, it could effect you, and your good/neutral credit, because when two people are in a commitment like that, its hard to stay an individual and have separate bills, accounts, etc., and both of you would be in the same situation. Talk to him about this and tell him your concerned about your future together.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Welcome back Marijana -

 

I'm not sure I understand. So he owns a home that he rents to tenants and is having a hard time collecting or he is the one who is difficult to collect from? Not sure that's clear to me.

 

As far as spending habits, it is not uncommon, at all, for one person in a marriage to be more responsible with the finances than the other. In my marriage, its my husband. In yours, it'll be you, apparently.

 

I think you should have a nice long chat to him about what your expectations, apprehensions etc. are. If he is to be your husband, this is a topic you should never fear discussing. Even in front of the kids when or if you have them... Not negatively of course, but it IS a fact of everyone's lives.

 

We did own a home that we rented out and did make the mistake of depending on them to cover the mortage. We did have to cover it once or twice, but we weren't prepared for it and eventually DID lose the property because of it.

 

I say just do it - talk to him about it.

 

Good luck!

 

-T

[Spugly Fuglet]

Hi marijana welcome to the bords of pain

Heres my take on this, I was like your BF who I got out of spending cash like water was to set down with my then GF and go throw all the evry thing.

Cash in/cash out spending habbits the works, if your getting hiched and looking later fro kids that nest is not going to pay for its self. My wife now looks after all moneys and keeps tabes and rates and 0% deals. Whats more she a wiz at it.

 

What I Think you have to do it sit him down and talk throw long tuerm plains and who your doing to sort the Bills. Work out where all the deat is dont let him or your self hide any. Work out spending for you both and repayments for the deats. Once you have that you can sleep and night once more.

If its very bad talk to Mums and Dads, they have been there I hope and can help with words.

 

There could be more but thats the core of it.

 

As Dikins put it

£20 in and £20 1 shilling out per year = Unhappyness

£20 in and £19 11 shiling out per year = Happyness.

 

remember to save.

[RayKay]

You know...one of the biggest indicators/stressors in relationships that lead to divorce is financial issues - not just debts, but financial incompatibilities and very different financial goals. For example, if you are a saver, very thoughtful of money, plan your financial goals out, and your partner is careless, treats credit cards like free money this can be a constant source of conflict. Especially as it adds up, his debt becomes your debt and you find yourself nearing bankruptcy. His bad financial management and poor credit score will over time affect yours as well.

 

Things like credit score are very important for future plans and goals, not just for purchasing real estate which is a very big concern if that is what he wants to do, but even some jobs require a very good credit history because they are basing your qualifications on the stress in your life, your liability, and so forth.

 

My advice? You sit down and talk about this very thoroughly. Marriage is not just a blending of the hearts, it's about a commitment to the good and bad, the nitty gritty - including finances. If he cannot address this issue and rebuild his credit and become more fiscally conscious, you have to decide whether you are ready to take on the burden that his habits may bring on to your life, and your relationship.

[Dako]

You need to have a long talk and get things aired out.

I'd never marry anyone who doesn't share my financial views.

It's important to feel like a team so you aren't constantly bickering about money.

[marijana]

Thanks everyone,

To answer some of your comments, his tenants cover most of the mortgage except for a couple hundred bucks. His problem is that he doesnt make it to the bank on time, or he sits there at the end of the month and waits for the tenants to show up. Then tells them "dont worry about it its all good" when they bring the rent late. So they think that its not a big deal and they can pay the rent whenever is convenient for them. I don't totally fear talking to him about this. It's just that he knows he has this problem and if I do suggest things he says, " I know, your right." But something else always comes up. I would gladly be the bookeeper but I am concerned that by the time I can really, truly, call this "my" house too, it will be too late.

 

Cacain, don't worry we are still discussing dates so postponing the wedding isn't even an issue. The reason why this is just surfacing now is kind of complicated. But in a nutshell, up until a few months ago he owned the house with a business partner/friend who turned out to be irresponsible. I always knew about the money problems but they were usually sort of blamed on the other partner, but rightfully. Since he has bought him out of the deal, however, Jay is proving to be no more responsible with money than his partner was. So I was kind of waiting for it to get better before, and now I am seeing no improvement.

 

Talking about it with you guys is making me more open to talking to him about it. I am thinking about a letter or just talking really calmly and with an understanding and caring manner tonight. If you have any advice on this conversation to be, please post!

[AwdreeHpburn]

hmmmm...I see.

 

Maybe you could start with honesty. Like tell him how nervous you are to be having the discussion in the first place. Break the tension with honesty. Maybe HE can help put you at ease.

 

Then just tell him what your thoughts and feelings are. Use I statements. Make it about YOU and how you feel.

[scarew]

Yah that's a toughy. I agree with tawreesaw. Honesty is good. How much does keeping this house mean to you? My bf also owns a house and has missed payments in the past. We are serious, but not engaged yet so I havent really felt that its my place to say much. I have told him how I feel, then left it alone. I told him that as long as we are both happy and healthy together, that is all I ever really need. You can't really do that in your situation. Like others have said. Your credit is at risk here too. Maybe if he can't afford the money or energy for this house right now he should sell while he still can and buy later when he is more established. See if that thought has occurred to him. You are still young! Renting isnt the end of the world while his credit gets back on its feet.

[kellbell]

RayKay is absolutely correct. Other than cheating, money is the primary cause of marital problems and divorce.

 

Like the others pointed out...have a discussion with him about money, how it is going to be handled, whom is going to handle the money and so forth.

 

Not to scare you but this is why it is crucial important to clear up now. My last BF, whom I dated for 4 years was horrendous with money. His credit score was in the low 500s. He ignored creditors, ignored hosptial bills, had his truck repossessed once, and very close 3 times when I was with him. And because his credit was terrible, the fact we got a lease in any place we lived was because of me, I had to pay for all of the utilties, security deposits...oh my! He never had any money. And because his credit was terrible, he used my cards and put me horribly in debt...ALL IN MY NAME!!!! DO NOT get sucked into any of that. I had, still do, many sleepless nights because of the debt I am in. I worried ALL THE TIME about money when I was with him. It was horrible. Plain horrible.

 

Clear this up NOW before you walk down the aisle with him. Good luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

It only gets harder if you have children.

[Spugly Fuglet]

has it worked out for you let us know thanks