Newly-Weds living with inlaws?? NIGHTMARE!!

[heavensent]

Okay, so I'm sure some of you remember my post of my husband and how his dad just launched a new product and is bringing in millions of dollars from it. Well, so my husband was asking me the other day how I'd feel about moving in with his dad and not working for awhile so he could start working on some new products with his dad and we wouldn't have to worry about bills. He basically wants to start making a ton of money as well so we can buy our own huge house and boat and things of that sort. His dad is buying a huge 3.2 million dollar house so we would have our own bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and everything in the downstairs of this house, practically like our own apartment. However, I do not get along with his dad or brother too well so I'm afraid of the tension this may cause. I know it's important to my husband and I know he feels that right now my job is holding us back from having a ton of experiences he wants to have (i.e. traveling a ton). I don't mind leaving my job, it's not what I want to pursue as a carreer anyway, it's just something while I'm going to college. Plus there are upsides, I could concentrate on school and get my degree a ton faster if I'm not working and we could save up a lot of money for our own home. I just don't want this to be a permanant thing, just because his dad has all of this money I still want to be independent and have a life of our own. What do you guys think I should do??? Do you think that moving in would HELP our relationship or HURT it?? Or neither..

[AwdreeHpburn]

i think it has the potential to hurt things but it could be insignificant too.

 

I think you should try it at least. I mean, can't you leave if it's not going well? Isn't that always an option?

 

It may all depend on the willingness to get along, blow stuff off, etc. Maybe just try to find things to do with as little contact as is possible.

 

But I commend you on wanting to do that for your husband. And I think you are right to want your independence and to make your own way.

[Beyondthesea]

I'm very against living with the in laws. That causes much more stress that it's worth. Why couldn't he work on things with his dad while you work part time and go to school full time?

[heavensent]

I am going to school full time and working full time. The dreams that he has of going places wouldn't work if I had an employer. I would have to take weeks off at one time all the time. He works for himself and his dad and can take whatever time he wants off. He is getting really sad about our debt becuase he bought me a ten thousand dollar wedding ring and we are still trying to pay that off a long with all the brand new furniture we bought to furnish our place. Plus our credit card bills from before we met. We do have a lot more debt than we should, especially at our young age. I think he wants to move in so we can just get all of that paid off. It means so much to him, he has so much ambition to be successful and he feels that this would help us move forward a lot faster. I really live for his happiness and if he is happy I figure I'll be happy too. I am fearful of the whole in-law situation...but then again this house is a mansion, I'd probably rarely run into them haha.

[arwen]

The thing is, you will be financially dependent from not only your man, but also your inlaws. This is not a position you want to be in, I think. For a lot of people who study, it holds that they also need to take care of bills. So they have a job next to their studies, it could slow things down, but in the end, it's the satisfaction that you are able to provide for yourself that counts.

 

If you already have reservations now, I wouldn't do it. I'd go for a smaller rental house, stick through with your studies and pay for your own bills. You can always save money for a bigger place, you're still young and have all the time you need.

 

Ilse

[Goodfun88]

I think it could be managable, as long as you are both on the same page. For instance, how long would this living arrangement be for? 1 year, 2 years, indefinitely? That would play a huge role in my decision personally. It would be nice for you though, you would be able to concentrate on your school work and he'd be able to build his business. It might be hard, but it might be worth it, only you know how much you can take. Good luck!

[AwdreeHpburn]

well, you can make sure you rarely run into them and when you do, keep the meetings superficial. That may sound shallow but it works, keeps the peace and sets the tone for future interactions.

 

I think you can do it and if its a set up for a great life of travel and making a lot of money someday, can't be all bad, right?

[arwen]

Girl, it really should worry you that he spends money that he doesn't have. I think it would be better if he didn't opt for the easy way here. He clearly needs to take care of his OWN finances, spending 10.000 on a weddingRING, sorry, I think that is really a lot of money, especially if you are still paying it off.

 

Part of his ambition should be to handle financial matters himself. Now he has his dad paying for him and you, do you think that will help on the long term?

 

Ilse

[AwdreeHpburn]

isle - i respect your opinion and see your point.

 

I didn't get the impression he was wanting his dad to pay his way, but that he would be working for/with his dad.

 

I don't think living with your parents for a spell is a weakness or a sign of one who shirks responsibility. He's just trying to get on his feet and wants a little help.

- at least that's what I was getting from her post.

 

i agree that if this is a pattern then that's not a good sign.

[southerngirl]

As for living with the inlaws. Me personally? NO WAY! Okay, I love my mother in law and she lives next store but at least if we got into it we can each go into our separate houses and shut the doors. As it is , she is a sweetheart but sometimes shes way to close to home if you know what I mean. But my man had this house put here before I was in the picture so I accepted how things were.

 

 

Not to highjack the topic.. But did you really spend 10,000 on your wedding ring? OMG.. thats alot, just think of what else you could have done with that same money. Thats a nice downpayment on a house! My first marriage I had the NICEST wedding ring set I could have wanted and it cost 4000. He abused me and I left. No ring could have prevented the future. But when it was over it was worth nothing to me.

 

Now, Im on my 2nd marriage and Ill tell you when we got married we didnt spend much at all for the rings. I didnt want to even though he was willing. The ring doesnt mean the marriage. Since then and its been over two years married now he has given me earings, more rings.. a necklace. Im sure some day Ill have that flashy ring but I just could not see spending that kind of cash when starting our life together. My 2 cents = )

[heavensent]

Lol yes he did spend that much on my ring. It's my dream ring and he knew it, I had no idea he was getting it for me though. He put $4,000 cash down on the ring and we still owe 3k on it. I'm the one who holds most of the debt though lol, I had a little shopping problem there and used credit cards that I shouldn't have.

He does not want to live off his dad by any means, he is making his own money working under a top stock trader doing articles for his webpage etc. But he is also working side by side with his dad. They are trying to launch a new company and he is also a stock trader advisor. He is not lazy or dependent on his dad but he does want to get ahead. He wants to make a hefty down payment or even buy our house cash and he thinks that he really can do that if he is working there all the time. Right now we live 2 hours from his dads house, that's 4 hours of drive time a day. Apartment and homes in the area his dad lives in are double what we are paying now so we couldn't afford to live in our own place there. Basically he just wants to create a stable financial future for us. I think some of you are getting the wrong idea that he may be lazy or something and that's truly not the case.

[RayKay]

Personally, I am not sure it's a very good idea, at least not in any length of time. For a few months maybe, for years? Probably not a good idea. This is when you are starting your life together, and I think there tends to be a lot of tension when you move in with in-laws - especially those you do not get along with.

 

I can see the reasons "why" in that he wants to pay off debts, but that won't do any good unless you both also learn to manage money. $10,000 for a ring is a huge amount, and I am surprised he spent that money if he really did not have it, especially when a good chunk of that could of gone to pay off debts (rather then take on more) or save for a downpayment.

 

Even millionaires go bankrupt. If you have bad spending habits when you have little money, you will have bad habits when you DO have money.

 

I think you would be better served learning how to manage your current budget/finances, and living in a smaller, more affordable place and working on paying off the debts. Before your hubby dreams of the boat, huge mansion and European trips, you two really should be coming up with a plan to ease your current debt and have a budget.

 

Now, as said, if is only going to be temporary for a few months, that is one thing, but I would really make sure you have a solid plan to be out on your own sooner rather then later.

[AwdreeHpburn]

very true RayKay - Millionaries stay millionaries cuz they don't like to spend their millions.

[heavensent]

He really isn't bad at handling money. Before he met me he would pay his credit card off in full every month. The only reason we are having problems now is because of the wedding, honeymoon, ring and all the new furniture we needed to buy to furnish our place since it was both our first times moving out of our home. It all just accrued all at once. I don't have bad spending habits anymore either and we are living comfortably and paying our bills fine but he wants to earn a bunch of money and just flat out pay them off all at once and then save up a bunch for a down payment. We would be able to do that really fast if we didn't have rent and utilities and groceries. We would probably end up living there for 6-8 months and then buying our own house.

[Scout]

I think the main reason your husband wants to do this is so you two have the freedom to go traveling with his parents. That seemed to be the subject yesterday, and now this plan has been presented to you.

 

Now, I don't blame your husband for wanting to be able to travel at a moment's notice. Who wouldn't want that kind of freedom? But the fact is, you two are in considerable debt. You're also in college. Life may not be that glamorous right now, but success is typically built on hard work and prudent planning & saving. I'm sorry, but it's just not an overnight process.

 

Now, I do get the sense your husband is a hard worker, maybe lives over his means a bit (and I can relate to that on a personal level!)...and I think he just needs to sort of adjust his timelines and expectations a bit. It seems he wants it all NOW. If he has a rich dad, well, I guess he'll get that. But must it come at a price of you two giving up your own home together?

 

I agree if you don't get along with some of your in-laws, the idea of moving in with them is a scary one.

 

I don't really have a set opinion on this, because it seems to me these are things your husband needs to be considering, and you can't make him do that unless you two communicate about it in a respectful "we're in this together to come up with the most sensible solution" manner. And I get the sense that you're already leaning towards doing what he wants to keep him happy. If you make that a pattern in your marriage - giving in to what he wants most of the time instead of you two working together to make mutual decisions - you're going to really end up resenting your husband, whether you realize it or not.

[Dako]

All I can think of is my own experience with my in-laws.

Anything involving in-laws, money and living near them was a recipe for disaster. Mine were insulted that I refused money, advice, gifts or any other thing they offered. It all had strings.

 

Being a married couple involves leaving the nest and being independent of parents. Lots of things can screw that up that look innocent at first.

[ocrob]

My ex wife wanted us to move in with her parents so that we could save money. I said no way. I saw them enough. Your situation sounds a bit different. You are still young and maybe it would be worth a try. Maybe you will end up getting along with your father and brother in law better, if you lived with them. Maybe you should have a talk with your husband and tell him that you have concerns, but are willing to try. If things don't work out, hopefully he will agree to move out. If his father is generous and there are no strings attached, then it could be an awesome experience. It would not personally work for me, but I am older and I don't like being dependent on others. You are still young and maybe this could put your husband in a position to make a lot of money as well as you.

[Scout]

You are still young and maybe it would be worth a try. Maybe you will end up getting along with your father and brother in law better, if you lived with them. Maybe you should have a talk with your husband and tell him that you have concerns, but are willing to try. If things don't work out, hopefully he will agree to move out. If his father is generous and there are no strings attached, then it could be an awesome experience. It would not personally work for me, but I am older and I don't like being dependent on others. You are still young and maybe this could put your husband in a position to make a lot of money as well as you.

 

It's certainly possible the situation could end up being this positive for you, especially if you both go into it with some firm understandings.

 

1) You put a debt payment plan in place and stick to it. This gives you a goal you two work on together, and of course, is the official reason you are moving into the inlaws house, right?

 

2) You both acknowledge that you have some problems getting along with your father-in-law and brother-in-law, and you figure out before you move in how the two of you together will deal with any related tension/problems.

 

3) You both sit down with your husbands parents BEFORE you move in and talk about what is expected of you both. After all, you're guests in their home, and need to be considerate of that, so find out what they expect from you as their guests. Do they expect you to help with chores? Do they have issues about you having friends over? Do they expect you to pitch in for groceries? Is there a timeline in place for how long you can live there? Basically, find out beforehand what everyone's expectations are to minimize any unpleasant surprises. These are the kinds of questions you'd ask a potential room-mate, wouldn't you?