Are you sure about what you want?

[majord23]

Getting back together….is it what we truly want, or is it a ‘project’ that we find the hardest to let go of?

 

I know from my experience, that there have been times in my life when I have sought reconciliation when I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I have been in situations where reconciliation was definitely possible at one stage (immediately post break-up) but I didn’t truly feel that I *needed* my ex until I sensed that it was too late.

 

Being a ‘challenge’ has been discussed on the board. Being mysterious, independent, confident and keeping a ‘partner on their toes’ (in a good way) is something that is advocated by some in order to maintain a healthy relationship. And I would tend to agree.

 

BUT, how many of us on this board are the ‘victims’ of such a challenge. Far from the challenge existing *within* the relationship however, the ‘challenge’ materialises AFTER the break-up.

 

How often do we hear that someone has taken someone else for granted, and only realised it after they have lost that person.

What caused that realisation?…

 

Was it a genuine awakening?

OR

Was it the fact that their ex all of a sudden appeared independent, mysterious and confident…that they became a ‘challenge’ by ending the relationship?

 

I urge anyone who is trying to get back with an ex to sit down and have a look at the relationship you are seeking with objective eyes.

Is it *really* the be all and end all of relationships?

Or is it something that you crave because it has been taken away from you when you didn’t expect it to be?

 

 

There is also a risk that people actually forget what it is they are really fighting for.

 

In the process of healing, I have found myself grieving more for the end of the fight, rather than the loss of my ex. It is almost like I have become so addicted to the pain, addicted to the drama of trying to ‘Get Back Together’ that I have lost sight of what it is I’m actually after.

 

I think there is a tendency for people to get so obsessed with the ‘task’ of getting their exes back (and I am as guilty as anyone) they actually lose sight of the *reasons* they want their exes back.

 

Giving up on the ‘project’ of reconciliation is often harder than letting go of an ex.

 

It’s like working on a book for years, and finally finishing it….but not feeling able release it and send it to the publisher – because you have no other task to replace it with.

So you spend the next few months returning to it, re-writing chapters, altering characters and changing the ending.

*Initially* your goal may have been to write a book, but by the time you finish it you realise that your goal was lost somewhere along the way, and it was the ‘process’ that you had become addicted to.

 

Sometimes letting go of the process is harder to let go of than the goal.

 

 

Just a couple of things to think about…..

[Demond34]

good stuff as always............I do wish me and the ex were back together but at the same time, I'm actually grieving for the pain to go away. I wish I could just be like, ok fine, I guess it wasn't meant to be and move on. Maybe its b/c I'm looking for an easy way out.

[amb1873]

Yes, very good post and not a question easily answered. I don't know how, in the middle of the pain and confusion, you can distinguish between the two?

[RayKay]

My opinion is that what we often really need, is not what we spend so much time wishing for.

 

People often ask for "success stories", looking for tales of reconciliation. Success comes in many forms though. Is it not a success to move on? To meet someone new, even better for you, whom is on the same wavelength as you? Is it not a success to discover whom YOU are?

 

Sometimes, our dreams are answered in another way then we expect, and that is not such a bad thing.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Surprisingly for a few days I wanted to reconcile with my ex more than anything, but after those few days I had moved on, cheered up, and now I can feel perfectly comfortable giving him advice on how to find someone new. I think it's just a matter of enjoying what you had but knowing when to let go.

[photomo]

Now this is a post that has got me questioning myself...!

[kadvati79]

I think what we all come to these message boards for was a solution. An Answer. Either "why" or "how do I win them back".

 

But really, I think we have to find our own meaning, we have to find our own way through this, and in the end we have to decide on what the answers are for us individually.

 

I don't think there is any generic solution or descriptions, I don't even think there are any patterns. There are no wise old men, there's just us (except maybe superdave). A bunch of broken hearted people trying to make some sense out of all this pain. You can't explain or rationalise away the pain any more than you can argue away a headache.

 

The only generic action that works is No Contact, but it doesn't give you answers or meaning. It is only a method to cope and heal, nothing more. And the only generic answer is that Love is not something that should be given lightly, because it is perhaps the most persistent human emotion. Who we love is not guided by rationality but by our "hearts", our true core and the very being of who we are. When this love is tested it throws our whole world in turmoil and forces us to question the very foundation of our lives. It is only a fool that would trivialise this kind of event and just tell someone to "get over it".

 

When someone we love leaves us, we are confronted with so many questions. The most painful question of all, I believe, is "how much do I love this person?".

 

Do you love them enough to let them go and be happy?

 

You will not find answers here, only more questions. But the questions can help you find your own answers. In these times I love to read the last words in Robert Frost's famous poem "The road not taken":

 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

[jchan]

But at times like these you can ask . Do you love yourself? then why do you continue to hurt yourself by continuing to love them and neglect yourself?

 

Yes i agree with icemotoboy. Love is the greatest test one would see in life. It's a test that sees sacrifice among many other facets in life. It tests your patience, humility, courage, self control, discipline, and so much more. Even when love ends, a test still continues, to see how you survive it.

 

Life's very unfair at times, we all wish the very person that we love would never leave us. But we have to remember that they're not what completes us. We are.

 

The first and last love. Self.

[BONO]

TO THE YAN TO THE WORLDS YIN

 

 

 

I am going to reply to Majord23 thread, but before I do this I have to agree with Poco the other day,on your signiture.

 

Without blowing smoke up your behind ( I've been told not to swear anymore on enotalone ) Your smart and have a great mind !

 

Its great to bump into people like you. Before you start - I have a GF and this is not a come on, just a complement in that clearly you will be giving DN advice before you're 25 !!!!!!!!!!!.

 

So, back to the thread. Well perhaps the answer to the whole thread lies in your signiture ???

 

 

What do you think ??

 

 

Scruff - ( A fan )

[melrich]

Good post majord.

 

I agree with you. I have seen so many couples get back together again only to confront the same issues and the same feelings of "somethings not right."

 

I would urge all people whose relationship has ended to look back as objectively as possible and honestly ask whether there was true compatability.

 

In my experience, security and bruised egos are the biggest drivers of people wanting to get back together with an ex.

[kadvati79]

Do you love yourself? then why do you continue to hurt yourself by continuing to love them and neglect yourself?

 

Thats true in a sense, but I think when people say "love yourself" they really mean "look after yourself". Love is something that is given. It is something irrational. It can't be explained or understood. Why do I love my ex? Its hard to explain. He doesn't have the hottest body for someone I slept with, he isn't the nicest person I ever met, he wasn't the most considerate or compassionate lover I ever had.

 

I love him in spite of these things. And to really love someone, I think you do HAVE to look after yourself. Thats where I missed the point in my relationship, I started loving him more and looking after myself less. I didn't "love myself less", I just stopped looking after myself.

 

The first and last love. Self.

 

Love to me is an incredibly scared and cherished thing. Watching people die, it always amazed me that the ones who had someone at home they knew loved them, always seemed so much more peaceful than those who didn't really know love. It IS the meaning in our lives. It IS the answer.

 

I think my concept of "self" is different too love. Its a given. I am a constant in my life. I am, well, me. I don't "love" myself, but I do look after myself because ultimately I am my view of the world. Love is not something you can experience with yourself, the "giddy heights of love" is when you take the risk of rejection in trusting someone else, in giving them your love. Broken-hearts happen when the ones you love walk away.

[majord23]

Thanks for the replies

 

I have no doubt that there are people on the boards that genuinely want to reconcile with their exes because of true, unconditional love. The type of love, as icemoto alluded to, whereby you want your ex to be happy with or without you...but there is a desire within you that hopes it *will* be with you.

 

Conversely, there are people (myself included) who may very well love our exes, but are also motivated by the 'challenge' of wanting someone that we cannot have...or have to work very hard to have. That is human nature - to desire something that is difficult to obtain. We have had a 'taste' of happiness with this person, and now that it has been removed, we desire it even more.

The desire to 'Get Back Together' then walks a fine line between attempting to get back someone that we love, or simply trying to get back someone that we can't have.

 

I have been, and continue to be guilty of the above - and I'm sure others are too.

 

melrich: "In my experience, security and bruised egos are the biggest drivers of people wanting to get back together with an ex."

 

That's my experience too mate.

 

Scruff: Thanks pal....and yes, I'm seeing things much much clearer...now that she's in my rearview mirror

[haley999]

Good post! As someone who is currently on the road to reconciliation, I have been thinking about this a lot. When I look back on my relationship as it was pre-break-up, I see that I was unhappy, and that helped create the situation that led to the break. Yes, I forgot my own life and interests and was willing to give up a lot (not because I was asked but because I felt that it was expected of me) to stay in the relationship. He felt the same. We were not - I think the better word is interesting - to each other. When the two of you are all you "do" - that's pretty boring.

 

When the relationship ended, my initial reaction was to fight and cling - HARD, although I wasn't necessarily taking the steps IN the relationship to be stronger and better. I clung, he left. After I went NC, I knew it was over. I had hope - hope in the sense that I hope I get a raise but I'm not spending the money just yet - but I moved on the best I could. I spent a little time wallowing, but then stopped. Not stopped loving him but stopped feeling sorry for myself. It was over and there was nothing that I could do to get back, or take back, my actions and behavior.

 

I don't think that he was "blameless." He made mistakes too. We didn't communicate well and although we had the very best intentions (we were engaged) we could not fight our way out of the box we were in.

 

After the break-up and some serious me time, when all the dust had cleared, and getting my life back, friends, activities, family, fun, and yes, a date in there too, I forgave myself, and him, for giving up. Yes, being unhappy with yourself in a relationship and doing nothing to change it but expect the OTHER person to make you happy is giving up. I think we here forget that there were things in the relationship that did not make us happy.

 

Then I saw him for him. I saw his "faults" not as indictments of me but as quirks of a human being. I saw the man I loved and understood that although no one is perfect, I did feel a "perfect" love for him. Once I got that, I hoped he was well, still with pain in my heart, but knew that I would not want him to be with me if it would make him miserable. So you let go.

 

For me, the way we began speaking again was not really strategizing on my part, as much of way to try to see if he felt the same way I did. When he finally picked up his stuff, I looked at him and I realized that it was him I wanted - not the past relationship. I asked him to dinner (something I rarely would do before), we had a great time, and both admitted that we still loved each other and missed each other. His "dust" had cleared too, and we decided to try again. Slow as we can.

 

Being on this site, thinking about what a future "could" be like for us, and understanding that I would be fine if it never happened were integral. Moving on was key. I think he would have sensed in a heartbeat - because of the close relationship we had - if I was playing a "get back together" game. I don't want the same relationship with him we had. I want a better new one. It's hard to not sink back into old patterns with an "old" person, but if you can you show yourself, and the other, that you are a better whole person.

 

I can honestly say that although this "new" thing is sometimes uncomfortable - it's better than before. Don't know if I answered the wuestion - but all I have for now... .

[BONO]

Majord23 ( lets get a discussion going here)

 

We have looked at this from many levels and angles. Im sure to a large extent it has helpled not only me but you aswell, yet more importantly the majority of people here.

 

The process of getting your ex back becomes a science if not a habit sometimes due to this forum. Why ? Because sometimes this forum is the only thing left that reminds us of our ex. There is an argument to say that although the tools of NC, saying No to friends and moving on might be fully engaged, the *fact* that all of us click on to " Getting Back Together" comes back to the notion of actions speak louder than words.

 

Am I Guilty ??? Yes

 

Have I moved on , Yes

 

Do I still love my ex, Yes

 

Would I get back with my ex, No

 

Am I concerned with the process of getting back with my ex & still thinking about it ? Yes

 

Is it normal Yes !!!!!!

 

 

 

Sadly enough there is a school of thought to say that if we are not on this forum as half as much as we are we would not still miss our exs as much as we do

 

Will we get bored of it ? No

 

Why? Because it helped us and we should help it.

 

 

 

 

 

Scruffy J

[haley999]

Conversely, there are people (myself included) who may very well love our exes, but are also motivated by the 'challenge' of wanting someone that we cannot have...or have to work very hard to have. That is human nature - to desire something that is difficult to obtain. We have had a 'taste' of happiness with this person, and now that it has been removed, we desire it even more.

The desire to 'Get Back Together' then walks a fine line between attempting to get back someone that we love, or simply trying to get back someone that we can't have

 

I too in the past have tried to get someone back for the challenge it presented to me. The person I "got back" truly was in love with me and when we split again, he was devastated. I was reckless with his feelings and it was not fair for me simply because my ego was bruised at the initial break-up and I thought he was the "one" for me. Once I got him back, and hooked with all my kind of fakey promises and acts, I was bored. Not nice. Maybe a question is once you have 'em back - what are you going to do with them?

[cherishthepain]

just my thoughts

 

why we " want to get back together with ex" ?

 

1. its just human nature, we want what we know we cannot have

 

2. ex ending relationship makes him/herself mysterious, and mystery always creates attraction, making you somewhat want the ex back ( curiosity kills the cat, everyone agrees on this one?), which is then amplified by the idea above of wanting some thing that is now hard to get ( i.e. knowing he/she being with someone new makes it even more painful)

 

I believe that the craving for the ex most people have here now will eventually stop, only SOONER or LATER when we find something is equivalent good or even better.

 

And this is why people says NC is best, the commitment to NC minimizes the knowledge/info we get about the ex. This knowledge mentioned is usually knowing he/she is feeling better or being with someone after the break up causes us pain (want, but cannot get) or sometimes feel good when you know he/she is miserable and not wanting to get back with him/her. NC saves us from the pain that these kind of knowledge/info can cause and that's it. The attraction will still be there, but not continuous as when there is frequent contacts with ex, and this gives us the chance to be attracted by someone else is equivalent good or even better.

 

We always have a good chance of finding someone better, even when we are with our soulmates, but it is the commitment that we make to the soulmates that keeps us together for the time being, up until the point when 1 of the 2 doesnt have the will to make commitment anymore.

 

Yet why is there cases like that old guy in the casket who cannot find or love anyone else better than that ex, who broke up with him and moved on 50 years ago ? I think he's just unlucky in finding someone better

[majord23]

The process of getting your ex back becomes a science if not a habit sometimes due to this forum. Why ? Because sometimes this forum is the only thing left that reminds us of our ex. There is an argument to say that although the tools of NC, saying No to friends and moving on might be fully engaged, the *fact* that all of us click on to " Getting Back Together" comes back to the notion of actions speak louder than words.

 

Absolutely scruff, the very fact that I post primarily in this forum is a very big indication that there is a desire for reconciliation. This thread is a turning point for me however, because although deep down I *knew* it, I have not been able to freely admit until now that my desire for reconcilation is unhealthy...and based more on the challenge of getting her back, rather than the desire for a healthy relationship with my ex - because if I look at it objectively, I don't think it would be possible for us to have a healthy relationship.

 

 

And to apply your questions to myself:

 

Am I guilty? Well...what do you think?

 

Have I moved on? Yes

 

Do I still love my ex? I'm inclined to say that I am obsessed, rather than in love with her

 

Would I get back with my ex? Today is the first day I can say with any certainty - No.

 

Am I concerned with the process of getting back with my ex & still thinking about it ? Yes, but thinking about it less.

 

Is it normal? I hope so, lest I be the most abnormal man on the planet

[BONO]

..... oh and dont forget what we preach, we always want what we cant have. HUMAN NATURE - driven by pride.

 

And guess what ...? When we get it, we see big faults in it, if those faults have not been fixed.

 

 

Then perhaps *we* try to fix it - pushing it away again, or just start looking for the next challenge

[BONO]

I cant get on to google.

 

Can someone post the defintions of

 

 

1) "Being In" - Love

 

2) Desire

 

3)Absense

 

4)Obsession

 

5) Fetish

 

6) Passion

 

7) Trust

 

8) Respect

 

9)friendship

 

10) Soulmate

 

 

Scruffy J

[kadvati79]

I cant get on to google.

 

Can someone post the defintions of

 

Scruff mate, thats my point

 

Everyone is "googling" for answers to love here on this site. On these forums. But I honestly believe, the only answers that will EVER make sense are the ones you figure out for yourself.

 

Instead of googling for the definitions of those, everyone should sit down and write them out themselves. I think you will find that in time, peoples views and definitions of these will change, based not on what they read on forums or the internet, but what they experience.

 

Most of the time you do what you have to do, the rest of the time you do what you want too. For every action there is a reaction, and thats my whole point about the "road less travelled". Sometimes to become a stronger person, you have to risk a little pain and heartache simply to push yourself to that bottom so at least you know where you are... and can begin to climb up.

[melrich]

Instead of googling for the definitions of those, everyone should sit down and write them out themselves. I think you will find that in time, peoples views and definitions of these will change, based not on what they read on forums or the internet, but what they experience.

 

That's an excellent point Ice. Definitions of words like "love", "passion", "trust" etc are exercises in futility. Philosophers have been trying to define "Love" since the dawn of time and still there is no one definition that suits everyone's interpretation.

 

These things are by degree, individual and certainly not an exact science.

[BONO]

My point exactly. So why do we still google " enotalone - getting back together " then ????

 

Well done on yout recognition, by the way pal

 

Scruff

[melrich]

So why do we still google " enotalone - getting back together " then ????

 

I don't see that the two are even remotely related. One is googling to find absolute defintions of conceptual words, the other is googling to find a support network to help you through a tough time.

 

People going through break ups will often do irrational things. You are right, they will google the word love to find out waht it means and see where they went wrong. The reality is, the problem is not how words are defined or even the labels you want to put on things. The problem is the dynamics of what was once your relationship.

 

Look at the behaviours not the labels attached to those behaviours.

[BONO]

That's an excellent point Ice. Definitions of words like "love", "passion", "trust" etc are exercises in futility. Philosophers have been trying to define "Love" since the dawn of time and still there is no one definition that suits everyone's interpretation.

 

These things are by degree, individual and certainly not an exact science.

 

 

So are we wastiing our time ?Or are we speaking from our experiences of life ? If so ,are the defintions drawn from millions of years of experinece that we can form a base to judge future actions and experiences from ?

[melrich]

If so ,are the defintions drawn from millions of years of experinece that we can form a base to judge future actions and experiences from ?

 

Read my post above. Definitions do not matter. Behaviour does. Doesn't matter if you want to label it passion or lust...it is the behaviour that matters. Don't concern yourself with what the behaviour is labelled.