unsure

[Jorus Cbaoth]

I have a buddy of mine who has a problem. He doesn't like the idea of telling people his problem over the internet so I said I'd do it to get some feedback. So his fiancee/wife of a couple years goes on myspace a lot (go figure). She had a past history of doing certain "things" at an early age (you get my drift), some alcohol problems etc, some verbal abuse from the family, essentially a rough childhood. She comes with a lot of emotional baggage. My buddy is a good guy. Hard worker, dependable, loyal quiet type. He was her first, and was raised in a clean Baptist childhood. They fell in love, got married, they fight alot but they're very happy together. Anyway, he finds out that she added this guy to her myspace. She had.. you know.. with him 2 years before they married, and he's a complete loser. He told her to cut all ties with him (he did this for her), and she refused. He feels betrayed and extremely awkward with her talking to him, she feels like she's being controlled. So, who does the compromising here? I would appreciate any input, it sucks seing my good friend so distressed. Much thanks,

 

Jerome

[annie24]

Is there any reason why she keeps in contact with her "ex"? ie, are they co-workers? what is her reasoning for staying in contact with him when it upsets her husband so much?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm confused, if her husband was her first then how is it that she had sex with the other guy?

[annie24]

I think he meant to say that "she was HIS first."

[Scout]

If he cut ties with all his exes at her request, I can see why this is a bit hypocritical of her not to. But if he did it of his own choice, then he can't really use that as a counterpoint.

 

I'm not saying that he's wrong to want her to cut all ties...but I think he's fixated on the wrong issue, and he needs to deal with the main one first: he obviously doesn't trust her. Other than adding some ex to her MySpace page and her past, does he have any reason not to trust her?

 

It's like this...if he truly trusts her, something like the MySpace issue would become irrelevant, unimportant. But if he chooses to make that his primary battle, he's only setting himself up for more of the same. Some other issue similar to the MySpace one will come up again. So what he needs to do is address the big topic, his distrust. He needs to be very honest with himself, too, and analyze if its based on current and real problems, or insecurity and jealousy - and possibly an urge to be controlling - on his part.

 

My two cents, anyway.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

Is there any reason why she keeps in contact with her "ex"? ie, are they co-workers? what is her reasoning for staying in contact with him when it upsets her husband so much?

 

From what he says, she cut all ties with these people from her past. She did that before they met because all of them are worthless. They're not co workers or anything even close. He lives in another part of the state. My buddy cut all his contact too, although he had just been in a few relationships (he was a virgin). I'm not sure why she has him on the my space thing. There was a small issue of mistrust. His wife met a guy when they were together, and she flirted with him once or twice. It doesnt sound that bad, but theyre a really close couple. He doesnt even talk ot other girls, and thats what makes him happy. Hes definitely not controlling from what I see, hes just putting his foot down that he feels uncomfortable and betrayed. Thanks for all the feed back.

[NW Homey]

Sounds to me like she needs some help dealing with her childhood issues. My wife came from a similar background (maybe). Incest being the worst. It has messed her up royal and she has been unfaithful to me twice in 20 years. After the first time she said it would never happen again. It was a one tome thing. Anyway back to your friend. Does she go t church with him? If so, maybe they have a counciling department that they can get some assistance. He may want to talk to them himself first to get ideas on how to handle getting her (them) some help. He should ask her if there is something he is doing that she is unhappy with that she feels a need to be in communication with this other guy. Maybe she has a void somewhere she he needs to fill with her that he is overlooking.