what should i do?

[magnus28]

2 days ago i spoke to my ex and she pretty much told me she hasnt thought about me and she is pretty much over me. now this breakup happened 1 week ago and we were together 4.5 years. the reason she dumped me is because she felt i wasnt going to marry her after telling her i dint know if she was the right person. im hurt now and wanting badly to call her and try to work it out but after the last convo she seemed pretty done. is it possible 4 someone to get over a person that quick?

[crvers]

Well, yes and no.

 

There are people out there who have the ability to just shut their emotions off. But that usually isn't the case.

 

Were you fighting before the breakup, were you having problems??

 

If she was prepared to marry you and was with you for 4.5 years, it would be sincerely impossible for her to shut her emotions off that easily unless she was ready months earlier but held on to see if you'd change. Women are known to do that more than men.

 

I guess another question is: Do you want to marry her? If your wanting to call I am sure she wants to hear you talk about that. For someone who wants to take the next step eventually it get tiring waiting. She may still love you, but needs someone who wants the same goals as her.

[heloladies21]

She knows how you feel now, so give her some time to think things over. She hasn't made up her mind yet, but trying to convince her will push her away further. This is something she's gonna have to figure out on her own. Let her be, go into No Contact, and start living your life again, which includes talking ot other girls. Let her come back to you if that's what she decides, and then you'll be in a much better position to deal with the situation.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I've said that to an ex of mine before. Not because it was true, but because I really wanted it to be and I really wanted him to think it was true.

 

It helped him and me move on. Or at least that was my intention and it worked for me.

[magnus28]

why do u think she hasnt made up her mind yet?

[magnus28]

she also UPS my things from her house today.. that really hurt. u know i really wanted to get married when i was ready. i felt like she had qualities but there were also some personality conflict issues that we had. Before the breakup she always had an attitude these past few months and when i confronted her about it she said it was because she thought we should be further along in the relationship and thats why she was going to have an attitude. i never expected this though/

[crvers]

Well I'll ask this question again "would you have married her?"

[melrich]

She knows how you feel now, so give her some time to think things over. She hasn't made up her mind yet, but trying to convince her will push her away further. This is something she's gonna have to figure out on her own. Let her be, go into No Contact, and start living your life again, which includes talking ot other girls. Let her come back to you if that's what she decides, and then you'll be in a much better position to deal with the situation.

 

I agree with this. It is very unlikely that she would be "over" you in a week after 4 years together. She may be feeling the initial euphoria of being in a different situation but she is just burying her feelings at the moment. Give her lots of space.

[chai714]

I agree with HeloLadies. Give her space she wants right now. I doubt she's over you, unless she had been plotting this for months but even then it's highly unlikely.

 

Don't tell her how you feel anymore - this only gives her the upper hand. Instead, withdraw from her and let all this dust settle. Sorry to hear about this.

[Bethany]

In my opinion as it sounds like something most women would do. She's holding out and is being very strong,so it's far from over. She is being stubborn and she will never come back unless you accept that she needed your committment and she did not get it. She is hurt that you don't love her enough.

 

If you want her honey, you'd better go get her. And if you don't, then set her free and leave her be.

 

It takes a year to plan a wedding, do you think you would be ready by then? Think about it and follow your heart.

[Scout]

If this was an issue for some time in your relationship, and if there were other problems, your girlfriend has probably been experiencing some negative emotions for quite some time now. She may very well be done, but it wasn't an overnight process, I can assure you of that.

 

I'm not sure if space is the right answer, but on the other hand, a sudden bombardment of "new feelings" on your part isn't going to necessarily win her back either. She may just view that as you wanting something only when you can't have it, in which case, she will be reassured she made the right decision to break things off.

 

I would suggest you take a couple of weeks to yourself to sort things through and figure out why you didn't know if you wanted her when you had her, and why you want her back so badly now that you don't.

[magnus28]

her sending me my stuff back early has got me pissed rather than hurt.

[magnus28]

i think ill do that but it will be hard. i loved her but i know i couldnt really tell when i would have been ready to marry.

[magnus28]

im just confused just before last week we had talked about being together for my bday this saturday and all..then we had an argument and she called it quits. i mean is she really over me that quick and truly wanting to move on?

[Scout]

magnus, hon...you're repeating the same question at this point. Just look back over the feedback you got to it. The consensus is no, you don't just get over someone overnight, but if there were major problems, you can still make a decision about something and stick to it regardless of how you feel.

 

I say give it a few weeks WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING TO TRY TO CONTROL THE SITUATION. Sorry for the caps, but this is critical. Often, the Universe can do a lot more for us than we can if we just let go and step back. A lot can change in a few weeks without us doing anything, including changed perspectives. If you call, text, insert yourself in front of her, I can almost guarantee it will drive her further away.

[magnus28]

so u think stepping back, she will rethink all of this?

[Scout]

i don't know, i only know that if you try to force things and pester her, it will almost surely drive her away. take a look around at some of the other threads on enotalone if you don't believe that.

 

No one knows what the outcome will ultimately be, but I can tell you that when we decide to control it, we almost always screw it up. So yeah, step back. To get perspective and to give her space, and to let the universe do its work.

[magnus28]

i almost had a friend of mine that she knows call her just to gauge her feelings on the matter so i guess that would be wrong?

[Scout]

magnus, we're going in circles here....i think you know the answer to your question. let go and don't do anything. Having a friend call? i'm sorry, that's sixth grade stuff. and it's not giving her space.

 

i really don't know what else to add.

[magnus28]

i keep thinking within weeks she will find someone else. thats the image i have playing over and over. the one thing is its hard to focus here while im at work

[OC_Rockabilly]

She's not over it. She's trying to be strong and by her getting rid of your stuff she feels it might help her so she doesn't have reminder of you. Maybe she is hoping you will tell her that you didn't mean it...and you do want to get married to her.

[magnus28]

she seemed pretty done when i tried to get her back or atleast talk to her on monday she seemed like she was done!

[Demond34]

Hang in there brother, its going to be a bumpy ride.....Listen to Scout, do nothing for right now.....you said yourself she seemed pretty done when you tried to get her back....she doesn't want to hear what you have to say right now let her get her thoughts together and give it some time....

[magnus28]

yeah i guess. Thanks everone for the good listening and giving ur opinions on the situation. I just know its going to be rough on my bday this weekend.

[magnus28]

This is crazy last night i felt a little better but this morning im feeling overwhelmed to call her again