Any Success Getting Ex back using the "lets be friends" approach??

[pseboy]

I've read so many threads about NC and how this is the best way to go. However a lot of relationship reading I've done suggests things like focusing on rebuilding the friendship ...

 

I've recently been dumped by her after 1.5 years (both around 30yrs old) .. have been in LC ever since. I would like to hear of success stories of people who have retrieved a lover by building upon platonic love after being romantically involved. i know the physical attraction is there on both sides but she said she needed "space"/"time" and wanted to date other people

(she never took action on that, and even now months after the breakup she is single. she is HOT and has many admirers so its not like she doesn't have the chance)

 

Technically I broke up for obvious reasons .. and she was upset when I did, but probably not more than me. another question: am I the dumper or dumpee. What rules apply?

[tylercdurden2004]

I dont see it working that way what so ever. But who knows.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

the longest i was ever broke up from an ex was maybe about 1.5 or 2 months, no contact except the ever-present mutual friends, and we both still liked each other so decided to try again, successfully, but broke up again for completely different and unrelated reasons than the first time. i do think that that was an anomolie (sp?), though, and even if i was the dumpee, i would have to close the book and move on at some point, and don't see being able to reopen it. sorry, you might give it a try for your own piece of mind, but you may get rejected, so if that happens it's probably best to move on and don't look back.

[majord23]

Staying friends in the traditional sense, I would say reconciliation *can* happen....but should not be used as a tactic.

 

I've seen/heard of more success if a person remains 'visible' in an ex's life (occasional superficial contact), without being put in the 'friendzone'.

 

Friendship lends itself to a certain familiarity that is different to 'relationship familiarity' and can be hard to reverse IMHO.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Friendship lends itself to a certain familiarity that is different to 'relationship familiarity' and can be hard to reverse IMHO.

 

yes, i would definitely agree with that. once i consider someone just a platonic friend i would probably have a hard time considering them something more. like if they act too much like my brother towards me or something..

[Belle]

I had a guy turn the tables on me by refusing to be friends and going no contact, even though I broke up with him. Honestly, that approach works the best. I wasn't that attracted to him initially but when he didn't grovel and got a back bone all of a sudden I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Do the friends thing and I honestly think you'll shoot yourself in the foot and you'll stay in the friend zone. I don't care how hot she is, other guys won't compare to you letting her know that you're a challenge and you're not going to be messed with. She will probably respect you more and compare everyone to you. Don't do what you want to do, do the thing that works.

[littlefeet]

Hey pseboy,

It looks as though you already have some good responses. I have had a dilemma like this before, and what I realised then has seemed to be true over time--if what I wanted was to be platonic friends, fine, but if I wanted to be friends to have a shot at a romantic relationship, then how true would the friendship ever be?

Personally, I do want to be married someday to someone I feel is a "best friend"--but if that's the case, then I also want the friendship to be genuine on both sides. I'm not saying we can't have friends we're attracted to, or friends we'd consider dating--but we have to realise that we probably won't be dating/sleeping with/etc. these people--that it's not a reality we're seriously considering. If it is, I can only think it would be more of a letdown than a friendship.

On the positive side, if you're not sure you really want your ex back in a romantic sense, or even pretty sure you don't, and you've realized there are lots of things about them that suit a solid friendship (or might do), why not give it a try? From experience, I know that once I feel this way about an ex-boyfriend, I'm usually pretty sure I do not want to date him again but still really like other things about him.

A couple of times, though, mostly as I've become ready to consider more serious relationships--thinking about marriage, family, etc.--I've found that being friends when in the "iffy" stage--not sure I'm over him but not sure I'm not over him--has HELPED me see some genuine "reasons why not". Being friends allowed me to see these things over a bit of time, but the friendship helped me retain some of the positive qualities about the relationships that both of us enjoyed.

That's my 2 cents. I don't think this works in all cases, but you've had really diverse responses and I'm sure your personal feelings and boundaries will help you decide what feels okay to you.

[littlefeet]

Not sure if I need to mention this or not, but one way I can tell if this sort of thing feels okay is whether I feel as content with the friendship as I do with my other friendships--the balance of it has to feel as even and solid as the others--because it has to BE a friendship, or at least be growing toward one (with an ex this can take some time). If you try to be friends, DO remember that you're trying (and if you feel divided about it, you can say that to your ex, also). If it starts to feel wrong or unpleasant or you're not both equally invested, etc., it's like any other relationship--you can choose to end it.

[Trex]

I am trying to be friends with my ex. We have been separated for 3 months now, and it gets easier as more time passes. We did NC for almost 3 weeks when we first broke up. Then another 3 weeks later on (really LC), another 2 weeks of virtual NC. Without that, I don't think it would be possible to be where we are now. We tried hanging out a lot way too soon after we broke up, and it was too much of a shock for her and ultimately she went from "maybe" we'll get back to "no, we won't get back" as a result.

 

I think you should spend a good amount of time apart before trying to hang out at all, and be spare about the time you spend together for a while. Also, i would not advise talking too much on the phone. We talked everyday for a while (her idea) and that backfired as well. You need to ease into a friendship. And even then, be careful about giving her too much of your time. Get off the phone within 10-15 minutes each time you talk. Listen to her, be happy, then get off.

 

I believe from my own experiences as the dumpER that you CAN fall back in love with someone again if they are a good friend to you (it happened to me twice). It just takes a long time. And the dumpEE must be independent and appear to be moving on. That's the only way. It's a tough assignment, but if you really want to work it out, I think it's the best way.

[Royltnxile]

I had a guy turn the tables on me by refusing to be friends and going no contact, even though I broke up with him. Honestly, that approach works the best. I wasn't that attracted to him initially but when he didn't grovel and got a back bone all of a sudden I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Do the friends thing and I honestly think you'll shoot yourself in the foot and you'll stay in the friend zone. I don't care how hot she is, other guys won't compare to you letting her know that you're a challenge and you're not going to be messed with. She will probably respect you more and compare everyone to you. Don't do what you want to do, do the thing that works.

 

She's right. 100% right! If you allow yourself to be "friendzoned" by this woman you sabotage any and all possiblities for a romantic reconnection down the road. Remaining her friend, especially after she screwed you over is like insulting yourself. Remember, it's usually all about them (the so called "friendship"). It is about their ego, their need to not feel guilty about treating you badly and dumping you, and about their need to still get validation from you. I think most women can dump a guy, yet still need to be reassured that the guy is still into them, and still wants them - it's an ego thing for alot of women I believe. Face it, there are alot of screwed up women out there guys!

 

Keep your dignity, respect yourself, and politely remove yourself from her life. Don't kid yourself that you can just "shift gears" from lover to friend with her because your feelings aren't going to allow that. If she can walk away from you, then you let her walk. You destiny is never tied to anyone who can leave you. If you and her are meant to be friends at some point, then you will be, but only after much time has passed and you reconnect as friends, and friends only. Hanging onto her and trying to stay in her life under the guise of friendship is only going to cause her to lose respect for you. Sad, but true.

 

She wanted "time/space" and to "date other people"? Sorry to say this, but it's over with her. Women who are into you don't ask for "time and space". Doesn't matter if she is dating other men or not, the important thing is that she is NOT expressing any interest in dating you, so that's not even an issue.

 

When you get dumped, walk away with your head held high and don't become just another "penis under glass" to her - meaning "just another guy she knows she can have if she chooses him". If you want to preserve any chance for reunion in the future, DON'T HER FRIEND! Walk away.

[nicolediver]

Actually, I know of a few couples that have reconciled after being friends for a period of time. I definitely think it depends on the situation at hand. For some, the feelings are still there but they are apprehensive to take it to the next level because of the problems they had together. As well, they might need a little time on their own.

 

For those people I know that reconciled being friends was sort of a small step in the right direction. They wanted to be around each other to see if things changed between them and how their chemistry was. After being able to feel comfortable around one another again they were able to move it to the next level. For others, they didnt even have intentions of getting back together but being wround each other openend their eyes up to the fact that there were still feelings present.

[kadvati79]

I think, those couples that do reconcille being "friends" are those that actually do still care about each other, and one isn't simply being friends in some obsession to get back with them. I think when you are so close to someone there are limitations to how effective a friend you can really be. You are more than a friend and less than a friend at the same time. I would struggle to be a good friend with my ex because I wouldn't be able to be objective about what he does in his life, because I care so much about him.

 

We're still in contact, but I wouldn't class us as friends in the sense we could hang out together like old times. There is just too much feeling and emotions between us on both sides, we'd probably end up crying and hugging each other. But by the same token, that doesn't mean we aren't still - in small stuble ways, part of each others lives.

[nicolediver]

I agree. I know that some of my friends who reconciled after a period of friendship did still have feelings for one another. However, they still were moving on and had accepted the break-up. I am sure there may have been some hope, but for the most part they simply wanted to be in each other's lives.

 

It wasnt easy and they were not friends in the classic sense by any means. However, for some reconciliation can work this way. You begin to see each other in a new light free from the pressure of a relationship and also create positive, present memories.

 

I know that NC is what most people promote on this site and it certainly aids in the healing process. However, some methods work differently for people as relationships and the people involved are all so different.

[jojean]

And how about a guys view on this? When he decide to break up and not want a relationship right now. But still wants to see the girl (a bit of mine situation) I still can't understand. I know women can really be just friends with men. I just read so many stuff about how women can be friends. But how about the guys? (not offending you, icemotoboy.. was just curious in a man-woman situation)

 

Sometimes I just doubt about the NC thing.. but at the other hand I can't really make my statement about it because I've never NC for over a week.

I also have some people in my environment who has been 'friends' or have regurlarly contact and later on were a couple again. I just don't know their situations. I wish I know how to handle mine.