what to do? Me, Him & his GF

[barwench]

Hi All,

So here is my situation.....I started chatting with this wonderful guy that I met on a dating site. After a coupld of weeks of social banter and intellectual conversations, he told me that he has a GF. I asked why he was on a dating site then if this was the case and he explained that he was scared of settleing for someone that he wasn't sure if it was real or not. We have exchanged dreams, goals and outlooks on life and when the info about the GF came to light I backed off.....stopped emailing him. I told him he needed to figure things out on his own. Long story short...he emailed me a month after and told me he missed our conversations so back to chatting and emailing again for the next 6 months with him having his GF still. He is a wonderful man who is professionally employed in his commmunity and has never done anything like this before (internet dating). We have come to have feelings for one another so my question is this....Am I just the fantacy behind the screen to make his reality managable?? Do I provide him with an escape from reality for a couple of hours each night? or is this a bond that both of us are needing at this point in our lives? I have been single for a while now and have consentrated on my career. Are we both tryingto escape??

Any advice is welcomed..... I just feel that when we all get older we start to just go through the motions of our everyday lives and look for something out of the relm to provide excitment....is that all this is?

[Sn0man]

Well, while I can empathze with your situation, the answer is yes, it is something he, and probably you as well, need in your lives right now without the complications of a physical, consumated relationship. Yes, it is a fantacy, and as far as I can tell, after six months, you both enjoy it and it gives you both a release from the rigors of everyday 'real life'. Call it 'deep friendship mimicking a romantic relationship without the mess'. I suppose it does come with it's own mess though. No relationship worth persuing has no difficulties, and I think we all know that one. Unfortunately, you're difficulties with this person are related to another person, which unfortunately is probably worse than most other messy problems.

 

I'm trying to give you some good hearted advice here, but I just don't know what to tell you. If this online thing is comfortable and makes you feel better, in whatever way, then no point in giving it up over, whatever the cause. If it is causing you more distress than comfort, give it up. It's really up to you and how you feel about your particular situation.

 

Summary: If it feels good, do it. If it bothers you, don't. If it's going to be a problem in the future or you worry about it being a problem in the future, don't do it. If you can live with what you have with this person as being all you have together, and you enjoy the anonimity and freedom of it, keep it up, as it seems to be something you enjoy doing (6 months is proof enough of that).

 

Sorry I don't have any better advice, but that's all I can think of right now.

 

Sn0man

[RayKay]

I suggest you really walk away from this one.

 

I have a friend, whose boyfriend of five years used to repeatedly go onto online dating sites to "see what else is out there" and say the same lines "he was not ready to say she was the one" or to "settle down". She found out about it a few times, and he would stop, and go back to it. It absolutely destroyed her, and in the end, it also hurt him a lot too when she finally left him and he realized exactly what he had lost.

 

Sure, it's his "first time" online, does not mean he has not looked in other ways, nor does it make it justifiable. Do you really even think you are the ONLY one he chats with? Why would you even want to get involved with someone whom is showing they have a lack of commitment in the first place?

 

Yes, you are an escape from reality and a fantasy, but does that make it right? No. I bet you his girlfriend would not see it as an innocent escape and would be crushed by it.

[PocoDiablo]

Do not walk, RUN away from this guy. He's giving less than 50% effort into both of his relationships (you, her) and who knows how many other women. He's clearly trying to cheat on his GF and "jump" from her to you, and will do the same from you to another woman.

 

Never get involved with "involved" people.

[kellbell]

Another vote on walking away from this one.

"He is a wonderful man who is professionally employed in his commmunity and has never done anything like this before (internet dating)."

 

Well, he is not being to wonderful to his current girlfriend. And if he capable of doing this to her, then he could be capable of doing this to you. Being professionally employed does not mean anything. I have seen lawyers, doctors, CEOs and the like turn out to be creeps. And how do you know for sure he has not done this on-line dating before. He sounds like a pro to me.

 

Sorry my post is not encouraging but I would go for someone whom is available.

[agent1607307371]

"and has never done anything like this before (internet dating)."

 

that you know of.

 

If he will lie to the person he is sharing a life with then he will definitely have no qualms about lying to you, an anonymous internet connection.

 

Run, you deserve so much better. And so does his girlfriend. But you're the one in the position to know this.

[loveydovey]

Please take to heart what everyone has said thus far. And let us know how it goes.

[Iceman26]

I agree with what everyone else is saying.

 

Mr. Wonderful was actively seeking to cheat on his girlfriend, so what would stop him from doing the same thing to you? He sounds like a coward and a sleazeball you are better off without.

[barwench]

I thank everyone for the replies. I don't want everyone to get the worng impression. I would never want my bf to be on the internet chatting with some chick all the time nor would I pursue anyone that is doing that. I'm not looking for a relationship from this guy and I have voiced my opinion on how I wouldn't tolerate my companion doing so.....yes I know that makes me sound like a hypercrite!

It's nice to have that ear at the end of the day to get an unobjective opinion on life's little battles. I have never let it interfere with my dating life nor do I hold out for him to "whisk me away". When asked about his situations with his GF I give unbiased advice like I would to anyother person who finds themselves in the same situations....I also mention that it should be her that he talks to about these things and not me.

That is why I came here to ask if it is just an escape from the everyday life...the fantacy??? And if so....then it makes me wonder if anyone is truly happy and content with the partner that they are sharing their lives with or will they always wonder what else is out there???

[RayKay]

And if so....then it makes me wonder if anyone is truly happy and content with the partner that they are sharing their lives with or will they always wonder what else is out there???

 

Sure, there are many people whom are truly happy with their partner. That does not mean there are NEVER doubts when times are rough for example, but ultimately "the one" is the one you CHOOSE to be the one. I choose my partner ever day, and he chooses me.

 

Some people honour this and others don't. If someone like this guy is feeling this way, he owes it to her to END the relationship

 

What you are doing can still be considered an emotional affair - unless she knows about you, he is being sneaky and betraying the trust.