Ratting out players

[hennypenny3288]

Hey you all. I haven't been on here for a long time. There is this problem that has been bumming me out bad. Since my short stint on here, I have met a guy. He is the sweetest, nicest guy I have encountered in a long time. I met him through a mutual work acquaintance. My man and I have been going out for a few months. Treats me great, hangs out with me, has dinner with me. Treats me like a girl should be treated, is affectionate, sexy, the whole package. Is great with complementing me, reassuring me, saying I am the best, cute, loving, gentle. Overly gushing with the praise to the extent that I have doubts about those compliments. What gives with overdoing the complements to an extent it sounds fake? What gives? Girls love complements and praise, but enough is enough. Dont wear them out.

 

I guess my question would be, what gives with men? How do women tell if they are TOO smooth, if they are sincere, a jerk,a player, or just too shy? Men are complicated little creatures aren't they? I totally dig this guy but he is so out there. He has met my family and friends and I have yet to meet his. He's too old to be some type of player. He's late 30's. We hang out a few times a week so he gives me time. Nothing to complain there.

 

Hey, is their a guidebook out there to decode men? If there is, I would love to buy one.

[Day_Walker]

The easiest way to see if what a person says is to see if they are consistent with their actions.

 

Some other points, just because a man is older doesnt mean that he stops being a player. I have known men in their 60s who still play the game.

[hennypenny3288]

I had the goods that men weren't into being players by the 30's. What gives? This guy's pretty consistent with his actions. No hidden surprises there. Just his praise is a bit too thick, like he's giving a line of bs. Comes off as too smooth. Is their a guidebook out there to decode men? Maybe someone should write one. It would sell like hotcakes. How long does before a guy messes up and starts to show his true colors? I dig this guy but something smells fishy or my radar is off.

[MewSkitty]

There are a select few men out there who are narturaly good people like that. I should know, I'm one of them. I treat weman as my superior and make their life the best I can make it. I do what they say without question.....yet right now I have a cripppling socail anxeity so I have yet to have an irl relationship. But the people I meet online say I'm perfect. I'm sure this guy your with could be just the same, or he could be an excelent actor. Only time will tell.

[Goodfun88]

What happened to innocent until proven guilty? This guy may genuinely be a nice guy. On the other hand, if you intuition is telling you that something is up, just be on the look out. There is no way that I know of to decode guys because they are all different and it would be impossible to know what each and every one of them is thinking. Take it slow with this guy until you feel more comfortable. Good luck and enjoy what you've got, it sounds like it has the potential to be great if this guy is on the up and up!

[BillyJean714]

It is really hard to decode players.. Even the sweetest guy may surprise you when you find out some of the things he does.

 

From personal experience, some things that I notice about guys who are and aren't players are (a lot of it is non-verbal):

 

1. Goal - what is their focus? Is it mainly to go clubbing on a Friday/Saturday night to meet women? Or, do they have other important things they do.

 

2. Dress - How do they dress? Are they all about dressing down and pimpn out? No doubt, some guys like to dress nice. Some guys dress casually and can still be players, but of the guys who try to dress like they're pimpn the chicks, there is a tendency (in my experience), that they're the player types because that's the attention they want. It's what they want others to notice about them. (Just like a girl who dresses in skirts that are ultra short and they have their titties hanging out, the extra flirty types. They may be monogamous, but the tendency is not. Since they crave that kind of attention so much, I doubt their focus is to be in a monogamous relationship, obviously).

 

3. Friends - Who do they hang out with? Who do they identify with? How do their friends treat women? What are their goals in life? Are they humble?

 

4. Honesty - Like they say, "Honesty is the BEST policy". Someone who makes an effort to be honest, to me, is least likely the type to want to go out, cheat, and play. If they have to lie about even the smallest thing, that's a huge RED flag.

 

5. Focus - What are their hobbies? What do they like doing? What kind of books do they like to read?

 

These are reasons why I tend to like the nerdy, book-warm types of guys, because they have so much more to offer. They're not always out there to scope out the next chick. I love that about them. Of course, everyone is different, but I like these types of guys.

 

It's almost the same for guys as well. How do they know if some girl they're dating isn't a gold-digger? For women, it may be easier for us to detect a female gold digger, because we can sense it. At least I can. It's a female-female thing. I guess it can be a male thing when it comes to decoding players. I don't know.

 

Like women who use men for money, they tend to be know how to say the right things. They're either really sweet with their words, just overall, sweet sweet talkers and guys fall for it. Or, they can be the vain types that are much easier to spot. To us, it's so obvious that these types of girls are the types to use men for money. Why isn't it for some men? It's ALL situational. The important thing is to: Pay attention to the little things they say or do, not the obvious things. It's the little things that say a lot!

 

Sometimes, it's best to give a person the benefit of the doubt, but if they do something or say something that just seems a little off, or doesn't just seem to go together, I'd be careful. Again, pay attention to the subtleties..

[hennypenny3288]

How can you tell if the guy is on the sly with you and not telling the truth? BillyJean, you the woman. You cover all the points I need to know. Not all guys dress to a T. Friends, this guy has buds, just haven't hooked up with them. He talks up a storm about his buds. I am as subtle as a brick wall here.

[PocoDiablo]

His over complimenting sounds more like he lacks confidence than is a player. Players typically DON'T compliment women more than once per DAY. He sounds pretty normal to me. If you're really worried, I have always found that a person's true colors tend to shine after 6 to 12 months.

 

Men are not that complicated, really. Players are almost completely transparent, IMO. If you want to get an idea of how a player works, you could spend some time here:

 

link removed

link removed - VERY slick pick up artist.

link removed - a guy who uses hypnotic techniques (kinda psycho if you ask me)

link removed

 

The problem with most of these sites is that they focus only on picking up women, not maintaining long term relationships. It's kind of psychotic, really.

 

If you've been with your man for more than a month it's likely he's genuine.

[BillyJean714]

I know, it's really difficult and frustrating sometimes, isn't it? Because you don't want to go around assuming/accusing without valid reasons, but you don't want to get hurt either.

 

Forgot to mention one thing - (from my earlier experiences), players tend to be quite the charm, very charming. I guess there's a difference between a player and a cheat. Players, like Poco says, are a bit easier to detect. But a cheater, is much much harder. Again, it comes back to the person being just your regular relaxed joe, who is honest, and lives with integrity (I'm not talking about the religious avid bible type of person. If anything, someone who tries too hard to "show" that they're "really" religious, the preachy types, tend to be the most hypocritical to me, from what I encountered).

 

About not meetng his buds, that's a little odd. Might be:

1. He has a gf, or does things that the doesn't want his buddies to accidently slip and say things he doesn't want you to hear.

 

2. Could be he's insecure, afraid that his friends may start jocking you (if this is the case, if they're really that disrespectful, why is he hanging out with them anyway?). I know a few girls where their guys are so insecure that their friends might be checking out their gfs, so they keep their friends away from the gf.

 

3. Maybe he doesn't identify with them as much. Perhaps they're not as close as you think.

 

If he brings you around to meet his family and integrates you with them, then I see more of a sincerity in his intentions. As for the sweet talk, I just don't like it when I hear someone sweet talk too much. After a while, it just seems phony, like he's not being 'real' here, kinda like a car salesman. It just sounds a bit odd.

[BellaDonna]

I guess my question would be, what gives with men? How do women tell if they are TOO smooth, if they are sincere, a jerk,a player, or just too shy? Men are complicated little creatures aren't they?

 

I don't think you should stereotype all men on Earth in this manner. Calling them "little creatures" is kind of condescending and degrading too.

 

Perhaps a better question would be: How can you tell if a person is sincere?

 

Even then, there's no easy answer to that that can apply to all people.

 

 

 

The easiest way to see if what a person says is to see if they are consistent with their actions.

 

I think DayWalker's suggestion was a good one.

 

 

BellaDonna

[mmmending]

clearly he is giving off something, tho' not necessarily anything that is indicative of being harmful, ill-intended, or symbolic of a hidden agenda..

 

intuition is telling me that his being so forthcoming with the praise, might be an attempt for him to find a voice for some insecurities he has in himself, a kind of overcompensation, if you will, for a poverty view of how he feels about something in him..

 

in my own behaviour, when i am gushing, overexplaining, overextending - it is so often an attempt to compensate for some lack elsewhere on the radar in my life..

 

something tells me, that by the fact that you haven't met his friends, family - that this is sort of the litmus test of that theory.. he may not be outright ashamed of them, but he may feel awkward about, or doubt their worthiness - kind of anticipating your reaction - and in turn, may be afraid that you will reject them and judge him over this view - a view, i might add that, if true, would exist only in his imagination

 

sort of a scary prospect, tho' if you're feeling bold and really want to know the answer to your question, perhaps ask him, let him know you want to meet his friends, get specific about it, and suggest a day and time when you'd like to do that.. this would be a supportive gesture extended his way, and would show an interest in the broader aspects of his life.. be as open as you can be when you go to meet them, and see what comes up.. good luck

[BillyJean714]

Then again, some people who are very insecure, are reluctant to give out compliments anyway. It depends on the person, and how they say it, and what their character is.

[Andy223]

flattery will get you no where, the thing is its more "what" you compliment not "how" you compliment. its much more likley that this thoughtless, empty chatter could be manipulative? he could be trying to suck up to you in order to get you to like him.

[BillyJean714]

It can be about "how" a person compliments as well. Some people are just very smooth, very crafy, charismatic, and manipulative. "What" a person compliments is just as important as "how" they say it. One doesn't exist without the other. It all goes hand in hand.

[Andy223]

It can be about "how" a person compliments as well. Some people are just very smooth, very crafy, charismatic, and manipulative. "What" a person compliments is just as important as "how" they say it.

 

well... okay i can understand what you mean. raising your tone of voice, or being smooth can grasp someones attention, but the meaning attached to what you are saying is far more important than how you say it.

 

How" a person compliments i think is not as important as "what" you compliment...

 

by complimenting a girl all the time, you are lowering yourself than her on the social ladder. Dont you think she already knows all that stuff you are telling her anyway?

 

I think you should make compliments "sparingly" and on things most people dont even notice, such as "her personality, the way she treats people etc"

 

One doesn't exist without the other. It all goes hand in hand.

 

One can exist without the other... if someone came up to you and complimented you on something no1 else had ever noticed in your life... wouldnt you feel good about yourself?

[BillyJean714]

"How" a person compliments i think is not as important as "what" you compliment...

Not true. It depends on what your culture is as well. Some cultures emphasize on non-verbal communication ("how" a person communicates, gestures) such as: vocal tonality, vocal cues, and facial expressions. Why else would we have public/interpersonal speech communication classes?

 

Some people, who are knowledgeable and skillful at persuading others, will tell you that how a person communicates is just as important as what a speaker communicates.

 

If we eliminate one without the other, or make the other more important, then it would be pointless for professionals to study public speaking. Everything that's communicated has to flow well together. It all goes hand-in-hand.

 

 

Again, depending on who the target is, a persuasive speaker will tailor their way of speaking, accordingly. Some people just have a knack for that talent (i.e. charismatic people - who sometimes, going to back to the TOPIC, tend to be the charming players/playettes).

 

I don't want to off topic. I'll leave it at that.

[Andy223]

Some people, who are knowledgeable and skillful at persuading others, will tell you that how a person communicates is just as important as what a speaker communicates.

 

 

 

 

yes that is true , if you are skillful at persuading others you will need to concentrate on tonality and facial expression. Yes all these things like emphatic listening and "first seaking to understand then to be understood", are all crucial. So in this example, persuading or being "charming" will require you to place emphisis on how you say something...

 

However, i wasnt talking in reference to public speaking, or debating, or persuading, i was talking in reference to giving out "compliments" and giving out too many "i think your pretty" compliments will come accross as insincere, no matter how you look at it.

[Lansing]

I was recently dating a girl that I felt was complimenting things before I "deserved" to be complimented on them. I am not sure if that makes sense, but, I think people need to earn a compliment. If the guy is complimenting you on how smart you are (for example) without having discussed anything that would lead him to believe that you are smart, then, it comes accross as forced.....

 

That is the issue I had with this girl, it didn't come accross as natural when she was giving her compliments. However, on the other side, I am not used to people being so open about things. So, maybe I was a bit insecure in myself and her compliments took me off guard.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Guidebook to men..like...objectifying them?

 

Dear me.

 

God save us all.

 

For this situation (have not read all replies), I'd say go by your instincts. If it feels just "too good to be true"..well, it probably is. Overly gushing praise gets old fast, and is normally a sign of insecurity...an attempt to make you feel good in an easy way all the time, so you don't go elsewhere.

 

Wondering if he's a player etc is really alienating you from him, and you two will never get to know each other properly if you get caught up in thinking like this.

 

I know I'm not a guy, but I was a player in most senses of the word in a previous incarnation (Ie last year)..and I didn't give a lot of clues in my actions (Never went in for gushing words or the like), but if anyone had been smart enough to step back and look and my lifestyle in general, it was a case of many a party and Opportunites to Get Drunk, coupled with Flirting With Everything In Sight When I Thought Noone Was Looking.

 

Players usually out themselves eventually..that is, they self destruct, as I did. Karma is a powerful thing.