Why Now? Why Again? - FCTex

[FCTex]

I'm kinda of embarrassed actually.. I feel so strong. I read my own threads and I feel like I can tell someone the logical way to deal with the problem, but yet, I can't absorb my own advice.

 

Some might know my situation(search if you care to).. I'm in a 5-6 month relationship right now. I'm happy mostly. I'm satisfied mostly.. Part of the time I love it. Part of the time I'm there just for the sake of having someone. I don't need her, but I want her when I want her to be there. It's unfair to her, I know, and I know my problem.

 

 

I won't let anyone to my heart. And when I do, I push them away....

 

I'm sure many of you know what I'm about to say...

 

 

She's calling again.. She left me in August of 2005. No contact for weeks/month. Then we saw each other randomly one night for a hook up. Nothing after that night. Fast forward, I tell her off, I spill my guts. I tell her she has problem and needs help with her emotional issues and whatnot.. Nothing till Christmas. She blows me up. Calls, text, E-mail. We see each other. She has urges to try again, but won't commit to it. She stayed with her boyfriend who she cheated on with me, she tells me and others she is un happy mostly, and misses me, but won't act on it. Won't be honest. We do this for 2 months. I stop it, I can't do it, I want her, but I won't be in that mess..

 

Go without contact until 2 weeks ago. She talks to me on AIM. She e-mails me. She calls me that night. We talk for 2 hours... She's in counseling, she has recognized her problems...

 

She has trouble relaying her emotions HONESTLY, to others. She fakes her feelings for the sake of keeping the peace and keeping live smooth, although she might not be happy with it.

 

She missed me. She sounds so lost. She cries.. She doesn't come out and say what she wants, but I can read it in her voice, and I can't tell by her contact with me even now..

 

She calls me 4 days later, wanting to talk.. We talk again, I spill my guts about her, and she tells me she always thinks of me, etc...

 

She wanted to see me this week.. Monday Night for dinner. I declined and said I was busy.. She asked to see me Tuesday night... I declined and said I had other things planned that evening. She said she'd call me this week to make plans for next week that she'd really like to see me, and take me out to dinner and "talk". She called me last night, late, to tell me goodnight and that she still wanted to see me and she would call later this week since she was busy with finals at college.

 

I've been down this road. I'm not reading into it anymore. She's eitheir going to spill it, or keep walking. I'm not playing games.. However, I'm so ashamed that I've let her get this far with me. I love this women with ever ounce of my body. I will love her till the day I die, and I would do anything. And the more I have contact with her.. the more I feel like I pull away from my girlfriend.. I've done nothing wrong, or over the line as far as just talking to her on the phone, but I just don't know why I keep doing this!

 

I'm hooked on this women, and I would love for her to honestly want to try again in the coming months. I would. I would try it with her. I love her, and I love her family. I'm constantly reminded of her from time to time, even more so now.. I think she's sincere in what she's told me, but I'm so lost in even wanting to go farther with this..

 

She's coming around, but like before, I'm so gun shy because I've seen this before.. I know she's got it planned out in her head, and in the next month or 2, I'll be moving around the corner from her apartment. I'll be within walking distance to her house, and to mine, and she's been asking when I'm moving.. I'm just.. I'm lost!!

 

I want her, but I don't want to deal with a break up, and hoping things to work out. Even though I would do it, I love her that much..

 

I'm so weak at times... Why is this happening? We both can't let go, but we both won't do anything drastic to fix it.

[shorty20]

wow... this is so weird because I was in the exact situation as your current gf. I was with a guy, on and off for a year. Every time we were "off" it was because he was confused. Mostly because his ex had come back into his life and messed with his emotions and his head. He also said he'd love her forever, and that no one could live up to her. I think you are doing something wrong, because your Ex is only leading you on. Sorry to put it that blunt, but it seems like she's just keeping you as a back up in case her current bf dumps her, or if she's single now thats why she's contacting. Because she can't stand to be alone. Now, keep in mind i'm not in your situation, but I know how I felt when he drug me along like a rag doll, and I think you have one of two choices:

1. Leave your gf whether you try to make things work with your ex again or not, just do the right thing and don't drag it out any longer

 

2. Stop ALL contact with your ex and focus on trying to find out whether there is something with this new girl.

 

don't lead her on anymore... make a decision. Does she know you talk to your ex? If not, then it is something wrong because it's lying and going behind her back and whether you admit it or not, acting on feelings you have for your ex while you still have a gf! You're going to hurt your gf big time if you don't just make a decision and stick with it.

Why did you and your ex break up in the first place? Any time you think about getting back together with a former ex, you need to consider what made you break up the first time, and figure out what you're going to do different this time to make sure the same problems don't arise... don't just jump in blindy, think about what you're doing! To yourself, your ex, and most of all your curent gf.

[Relationship Coach]

Is this your bosses daughter from way back? If so you know how she tries to manipulate you, why are you doing this to yourself again. You have to love yourself more than you love her. You will never be on stable ground when you are with her. Take some of that moxie and street smarts that got you up the company ladder and make a grown up decision. Don't open up to her or give her any opportunities to ruin who you are. As I have told you before, daddy will forgive you, he knows his daughter well.

 

RC

[NubianLove]

This sounds crazy, its like ur with ur current girl, but ur not in Love with her, u still love ur ex, and ur confused right??

[FCTex]

Thanks for the replies...

 

Shorty20,

 

Yes, as sad as it is, I did that to my girlfriend(current) in the past.. I haven't anymore.. I don't treat her bad at all. I don't leave her for other plans. I don't put her down. I don't do anything wrong to her. Anyone can ask her to this very day, that I treat her like a princess. I spoil her rotten to the bone. Her and I have a good relationship for the most part. I'm just very distant sometimes.. I don't get confused enough to leave her(other than early in the relationship), or dissappear for days on end. I don't discuss any of this with her.

 

It's not cheated to her if I talk to my ex and don't tell her. I don't see anything wrong with this and her and I have had this conversation. I'm bound to talk to my ex one day in my life. I work for her fathers company, and I'm going to be there for quite a while. She broke up with me in August because she wasn't ready for commitment. I was possesive and I smothered her a good bit and was jealous at times to the point it got tiring for both of us.

 

I'm not jumping blindly into anything. I haven't jumped anywhere, and I don't plan to do any of that. I don't plan to leave my girlfriend. I don't plan to put my hand back out there for my ex. I don't plan to do anything. I'm just trying to sort my head, and my emotions for the moment then I will deal with what comes with the future.

 

RelationshipCoach,

 

Yes this is the same girl. My ex of 1.5 years.. She played the game with me once, and while I learned my lesson, I just hate that I'm allowing her any inkling of me, by calling, talking to me, let alone, being open to dinner with her.

 

Nubian Love,

 

It is crazy.. I have a current girlfriend. I haven't been with her very long. I love her as a person, as the women she is, but I am not IN love with her yet, and therein lies the problem. I won't let myself love her when I know I could possibly do it, only because I still love my ex a great deal, even though as far as I'm concerned she's no longer a part of my life(until lately again).

 

 

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what she's wanting and ultimately, I'd love to ask.. And if she wants me, I'd love to see what she does to get me.. As far as what I would do in that situation? I'd do nothing. I don't think I'm in the mindset to do anything anymore, unless she was to totally pull something crazy off and flat out do something. Which I don't see happening.

 

Also, she knows, and her family knows I will be 'round for quite some time. I'm pretty much running up the ladder in the company and rising to the top. She will always hear of me, and her family, especially her father, thinks extremely high of me, almost "son" like.. She knows not to make a mess, she and her father have said that, as have I.

[shorty20]

i think that you are emotionally cheating on your girlfriend. and this is why...

 

"I'm hooked on this women, and I would love for her to honestly want to try again in the coming months. I would. I would try it with her."

 

you're contradicting yourself because you say that you aren't going to leave your girlfriend for your ex, but you also said you want to try again in the coming months... like you're already predicting the break up of your current relationship. You may be giving your girlfriend everything she could want and you may be treating her like a princess, but you're not giving her your emotionally energy.. and you're not opening up to her.. your spending all of your emotionally energy into your ex, and as far as I'm concerned she's still just playing games with you, because she knows she can. If I were you, I woudl take the upper hand. Call your ex and say "I can't talk to you anymore. It's not fair to my girlfriend. Please don't call anymore" and leave it at that. If she attempts to contact, ignore it. Trust me, I've been in your girlfriend's situation. My guy was perfect. He'd take me out, was at my place almost every night, bought me dinner, wrote me sweet emails and text messages... but I could tell his heart wasn't with me. I would bet you anything that your girlfriend now can sense this with you.

[LEFEM24]

FCT I agree with Shorty. You don't think you're doing anything WRONG to your current GF???Please. So then tell her EXACTLY what you wrote here..and see what her reaction would be. Do you think she would feel GOOD knowing you're still basically hung up on your ex ? FCT...you need a reality check sweetie. What you are doing is passing the time with this innocent woman....until your ex 'comes to her senses'. This is WRONG....It sounds to ME like you have very casual intentions with your current G/F...and serious intentions with your EX..who is basically playing games.

It's up to you, but you need to fish or cut bait here sweetie. Your G/F DEFINETELY deserves better than the scraps you're feeding her.

[FCTex]

I'm sure she can.. And while your right in some of what you said, your partly wrong as well.

 

I haven't had constant contact with my ex. I'm not wrong for loving her. I'm sure many guys you've been with, are with, and will be with, LOVE someone all the while with you.

 

It's human nature to love others, all the while focusing yourself to ONE.

 

I'm focusing myself on ONE, or trying to atleast. I haven't met my ex. I'm guilty of 3 phone conversations, 7 text messages, and 2 e-mails in 2 weeks. I haven't seen her in months. I'm guilty as charged. And while I said, and DO believe that if my ex made the bounds to work and reconcile that I would go for it? I can't say. Ultimately, I believe I would in the end if things were right IMO. I can't say really what I would do, and it's certainly bad, but not wrong for me to think in the future for "what ifs".

 

I'm not planning a break up here. Infact it's the last thing I want, I'm wanting to sort my mind from all of this. My girl friend knows of the recent text message from my ex..

 

She knows I'm a distant person, and I have been like that with her, and the girl I dated casually before her after my break up. It's not something sudden.. I've been so reserved about my feelings for a while now and it's bothering me because I can't get close to someone. I won't let myself even though I wish I could.

[Tesseract_Witch]

 

We both can't let go, but we both won't do anything drastic to fix it.

 

Why ever not; if you are truly commited--and I trust you are, from your tone.

[FCTex]

LEFEM,

 

Thank you for your reply.. Again, your right. Thats why I said I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed this is coming to the surface..

 

I don't have very serious intentions with my ex... I really don't know what I intend with her for that matter. I'm attempting to sort it out like I mentioned..

 

Somedays I don't know where I stand in life.. I went months without ANYTHING from my ex. Yes I still thought of her. Yes I still love her. But I never had anything more than a thought to do with her. Even then I was the same way with my girlfriend.. That is what is getting me. I know I could find something with this girl. She's wonderful to me, infact treats me like a King, as much as I treat her like the gem she is. I just don't get that spark, and I know i can, I just feel like I short hand it all because I don't feel totally "free" from the past... And then like I said, the current contact with my ex, it's just amp'd that short handed feeling that I have. I'm sad about it.

[LEFEM24]

FCT...I will tell you when you'll feel that 'spark' for your current G/F. Break up with her and go back to your ex. Seriously. If you don't...you will always have this thought in the back of your head. Sometimes we don't know what we have until it's gone. Maybe you need to realize your ex has been built on fantasies of the past or of thoughts built up since your breakup.

 

I am willing to bet your ex is NOTHING compared to your G/F now...

[FCTex]

See. What you are describing is exactly what I fear the most.. I don't want to gamble my girlfriend on that. For what it's worth, I think highly enough of her, I get disturbed to think of not having her. And she wont be there more than likely the next go around if I tried that. It's more or less, all chips in, eitheir way. I gamble and I win, or I gamble and I leave the table--alone.

 

She's not worth losing on a dying chance, thats what bothers me a little. I don't feel at this point, I have really ANY reason to "chance" my ex. She's shown nothing more than intrest in knowing what I'm doing and perhaps hinting that she's unhappy without me. Nothing more and nothing less it seems. My girlfriend treats me great, but I think some of it might compare to the fact I'm just not that into that I thought I was months ago, and contact by the ex is just putting that under a HUGE microscope in my head.

 

I don't know... I don't want to be alone. I don't want anyone hurt, but ultimately, I want myself to be as happy as I can be regardless of what has to be done, hard or not.

 

Maybe a best bet is to continue on my path of working on getting over this wall infront of my mind and heart. Because I certainly don't want to be a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm the guy who loves more than he ever has gotten back from any women. I'm the one who spoils them rotten with anything under the sun to make life more enjoyable. I make amends, I don't hardly fight, I'm care free, and I'm fun loving. I just can't shake this mess from my shoulders, when I thought it was gone.

[NubianLove]

FCTex would it be wrong to ask ur current girl for a break, I really do think u need it, to get yourself completely together.

[Spawn]

Hi FCtex,

 

why don't you tell your ex to stop contacting you, if its over between you for so long, have you told her you have a girlfriend now and would like to be with her?

 

Its sounds harsh but at some point you have to take some bold decision but not at the cost of your current gf.

 

Regardless of what happenned in the past, its just not right for you and for your current gf.

 

Stay strong and do the right thing here.

[NubianLove]

Hi FCtex,

 

why don't you tell your ex to stop contacting you, if its over between you for so long, have you told her you have a girlfriend now and would like to be with her?

 

Its sounds harsh but at some point you have to take some bold decision but not at the cost of your current gf.

 

Regardless of what happenned in the past, its just not right for you and for your current gf.

 

Stay strong and do the right thing here.

 

I personally thinks deep inside he still has feelings for this ex and thats why

[forallseasons]

There's a huge huge problem here.

 

You're basically waiting on your Ex to act right. You aren't putting yourself into your relationship and thats why you aren't in love yet. You aren't investing yourself because you think something better might happen. You've got this ex really just shaking up your life. I think you've got to let her go. The more you dwell on possibilities with your ex, the more you won't be willing to go further with your current girlfriend, and that will lead to problems. Nothing is static.

The ex is way too much risk. She's got problems, and it really doesn't look like shes solved them. She'll create problems in your current relationship. And most important of all, you won't be able to find a better relationship.

[shorty20]

I agree. I think the best thing for you right now would be to go into NC with your ex. You never did say why you guys broke up in the first place, but what would change if you guys tried a second time? My guess is she'd get you, and then screw you over again... and you'd be heartbroken again... some things just aren't meant to be. My advice is to focus on your gf now to see if there could be something there. If there's potential, then you need to put your focus 100% on her... and completley erase this ex from your life. Thats the only way you'll get over her. It may be hard because I think you said her dad is your boss, but if something happens to where you do have to be in the same place as her or something, just be nice, but don't sit there and chat it up with her. If she calls, don't return her calls. Cut off all contact possible and focus on your girlfriend now. Do you really think she deserves only half of your attention? You seem like you care about her enough, so just get rid of the ex and see where things go with your girlfriend. Trust me, she won't stick around for long if you start getting confused and mixed emotions all the time and acting on them. You can't help how you feel, but you can control the actions that you take on those feelings.

[sukerbut]

do what your heart tells you..not random stragers

[FCTex]

Sounds about right I think...

 

I dont know what my deal is. I've decided to not go see her and I've not responded to any attempts to contact me. I think I'm gonna try to stay away like I have been. Who knows....

[Relationship Coach]

I think you are making a good choice, best of luck.

 

RC