Other Woman

[SLMitchell918]

I know how some people feel about this, but my therapist has me all confused. She told me that if I wanted to call the other woman's husband, then I should. I know some think that if I do, its vindictive, but what if it helps me get over it? I'm confused because my therapist is kind of pushing it. She says I'll never let it go if I dont do it.

 

Heres how I feel. I've expressed my anger with my husband. Things are honestly well between us. I have my worried moments, but I know he made a mistake. Things are not 100% better. That will take more time.

 

I feel that maybe she made a mistake, but she will never learn from it unless her husband knows. Doesn't he have the right to know? I have proof. I would'nt be hurting him would I? She is the one that hurt him by doing what she did. she told another man that they were meant to be to gether and almost took the other man away from his pregnant wife. It takes two, but she was the other half of all this.

 

I've let it go to a point, but I'm hung up at this point. I'm torn because I want to, but I have some regards about doing it. My husband doesn't want me to only because he is scared that this woman would make up rumors. It makes me wonder if he is trying to protect her. That really upsets me because I know he doesn't talk to her anymore. Plus he doesn't want her husband coming to work to kill him ( figurative speaking)

 

Is my therapist wrong? Like she says, I go back and forth, One week, I dont want to do anything about it, but the next week - I feel like he should know. Why is that?

 

Geeze, I wish this **** never happened. Life would be so much more simple and I would actually have more money since this therapy is pricey. UGH

[Iceman26]

I think a lot of people will tell you not to do it, but my take on it is if I were the husband, I would want to know. I wouldn't want to spend my life living a lie.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that your therapist is giveing advice for you and your particular situation. Your therapists advice is supposed to be personalized and not general. The goal of all of this is to work through the situation and if it helps you to work through the situation by telling the husband then do so but realize that good things might not come out of it.

[DN]

I think your therapist is wrong.

 

If you do it because you think her husband has a right to know that is one thing.

 

If you are just doing it to get revenge or be vindictive that is another.

[SLMitchell918]

He does have the right to know. I sure know that I would want to know if it was reversed.

[DN]

He does have the right to know. I sure know that I would want to know if it was reversed.

 

And is that why you want to tell him? Make sure of your own motivations before you do anything.

[Dako]

You therapist doesn't work for this woman's husband, but for you. His problems aren't your concern. You have enough to deal with.

What unintended consequences might be caused by contacting her husband? You may just find an angry man resenting your intrusion, even with proof. He may divorce her, beat her or go to mariage counseling.

[DN]

I would also be careful about any negative impacts this might have on a marriage you are trying to put back together. This could ignite a fuse to something that could blow apart your marriage.

[SLMitchell918]

He does have the right to know, but I am confused if I should be the one to tell him. It could go either way, but my husband agrees with me that he should know, he just doesn't want to be working there when he finds out.

 

Wouldn't a lot of men want to know? What if 5 years down the road she does it again and he leaves her? Would that be five years wasted? If he knew now, could her forgive it and maybe they can make their marriage better and affair proof? I hope it is the last thing. I dont want to distroy their marriage, but apparently they have something they need to work on and him not knowing anything isn't helping.

 

I'm just confused.

[Dako]

It's their marriage you're trying to fix, while yours needs attention.

You may expect a certain solution to their problems to occur, but it might not go according to your plan.

[SLMitchell918]

I am working on my marriage. Like I said before. I'm going to therapy and my husband and I have been working on it for 5 months

 

Too many people have different views on this and I truthfully do not know what is best anymore.

[Hope75]

Dako makes a great point.

 

Why are you so focused on thier marriage when yours is in trouble?

 

Your husband is the one who betrayed you, not this women. Let her handle her marriage. If she keeps the behavior up, her husband will eventually find out.

 

Your job should be working on your marriage- not theirs.

[Lady Bugg]

I say don't tell him. It;s not your place...it's HER place. As Hope said, he will find her out eventually.

 

Focus on YOU and YOUR marriage.

You say you don't want to destroy their marriage..but is that entirely true??

I get the feeling part of you wants to see her suffer, the way you have..and

you may feel that she is being let "off the hook" so to speak, unscathed in all this, while your world has been turned upside down.

Before you act...consider your TRUE motives in all this.

[kellbell]

"Too many people have different views on this and I truthfully do not know what is best anymore."

 

If you are not sure what is the best thing to do...then do not do anything at all. You can't go wrong if you did not do anything at all. Stay focused on keeping your husband honest with you, on your daugther, and your marriage. I truly feel it is not your place to say something.

[RayKay]

SL,

 

Honey, I think you have to do what you feel is right. But just make sure your motives are correct.

 

I guess my main issue here is what ARE you going to tell her? There is no evidence they had an affair, right? They were talking, and definitely going near, but there is no evidence of anything further, correct?

 

I am just concerned that you will call this husband of hers up to say..."my husband and your wife were talking a lot a few months ago" and...what then? He will go to her and she will say "we were just talking!"? He will say "oh, time to give her the boot then" on the basis of not even knowing what happened?

 

My biggest concern is you will do this....and still feel no peace at all. Or...discover...worse. What if you call her hubby and he says "oh, I know, she confessed that she slept with him". If that happens, whom are you going to be angry at, whom will you believe?

 

What if you call, tell him, and he says..."oh, well that's okay with me. They can be friends." What if he has an arrangement to have an open marriage? The truth is I guess you don't know THEIR relationship, which is why it's dangerous territory. If you were friends with him, I think it would be different.

 

I think these are just some of the factors people say you need to concentrate on YOUR marriage and husband. Not because they think you are in the wrong, not because they are being bitter, but because they are genuinely concerned FOR you, truly. We are not all mean and spiteful and making you out to be the bad person

[shes2smart]

He's got a right to know.

 

He's also got a right to NOT know if he doesn't wish to.

 

If it was me, I don't know that I'd take too kindly to someone I didn't know unloading a bunch of info about my spouse's activities on me in the name of "Truth." If anything, I might be inclined to side with my spouse (out of loyalty at best, benefit of the doubt at worst) and tend to think the person telling me stuff had some sort of issues.

 

I also agree with kellbell...if you're confused on what to do, then don't do anything. The situation isn't going away anytime soon...so take the time to think through the consequences of the actions available to you.

[kellbell]

"My biggest concern is you will do this....and still feel no peace at all. Or...discover worse. What if you call her hubby and he says "oh, I know, she confessed that she slept with him". If that happens, whom are you going to be angry at?"

 

RayKay brings up an excellent point. What happens if you get more information than you bargin for? Then what happens?

[onmyownagain]

What about if he throws her out after you tell him. She is then free to go after your husband again. Plus, as she will be separated, your husband can go after her without worrying about this other man.

[Cadence308]

What about if he throws her out after you tell him. She is then free to go after your husband again. Plus, as she will be separated, your husband can go after her without worrying about this other man.

 

I think this is a good point. If I were in your situation I think that I would feel the same way. In a way you are blaming this woman for seducing your husband and almost leaving you. But, it takes two to tango and your husband was just as involved in the affair as she was. That being said, since you don't know this woman's relationship with her husband, you should forget about her and try to work on things with your husband.

[novaseeker]

It's not your job or responsibility to insert that information into someone else's marriage. It's a second intrusion into the marriage, really. You may think the OW's husband has a right to know, but really you have no right to barge into that marriage and tell him. That marriage will succeed or fail on its own merits, as it should.

 

After my ex-wife's affair I toyed with the idea of doing the same thing. But it's just a morass of mixed motivations. You can't really separate the idea of the other person's spouse needing to know from your own desire, overt or even subconscious, to exact revenge and inflict pain on someone who inflicted pain on you. It's better to forego that path, let them work on their own marriage and figure things out themselves, and you do the same with your marriage.

[blueangel]

Try it and let them work it out.

[shyanne]

this is your second time asking/posting the same question... this time your telling us that your therapist said you should.. this is my theory.... i think your the one that keeps asking the therapist if you should just like you keep asking us here.. make up your own mind... will this help heal your pain??? if so...just do it.

[miracle29]

STL....I have a lot of respect for you for even taking your husband back because if it was me, I would have left him where he stood when he confessed.

 

I have carefully read SOME of the other posters comments and I don't understand why anyone made the comment about you repeating a post. In fact many of us stand guilty when it comes to repetitions on our issues so no one should be casting stones. No one here is better than you. ANd no one can stand here and say that if it was them, they wouldnt fathom calling the husband. Anyone who said they wouldnt is a liar.

 

Why should her marraige be respected and her feelings as well, when she never respected yours? You said this women bought your daughter clothing, she knew about you and yet and still she couldnt keep her hands off your husband. I would tell her husband, in fact..i'd make my HUSBAND tell her husband. Since he wanted to have her so badly and while you were pregnant...he should be MAN enough to face his wrongs and speak to her husband. But i know thats something he'd never do.

 

You are only human, call it revenge, call it ignorant, I don't care what you call it. Her husband needs to know. If you keep waiting on "KARMA" or "What goes on in the dark will come to light" he may be with her for years and years and never know that she did this. I just don't see why she should be treated with kitten gloves when she tried to shred your marriage like she did.

 

And for the record, you were PREGNANT when you were were cheated on. So I'm hoping the the forum will cut you a bit of slack in regards to your feelings. You have the right to feel this way, and her husband has the right to know. Its not about the other people, because no one was thinking about you when you were pregnant and being cheated on!

 

 

Your husband also doesnt deserve the sugar treatment. ANy man who could be callus and cold enough to cheat on his pregnant wife, should be doing anything in his power to redeam his self.

 

Again, i don't know how you did it, I would have lost it...and probably would have taken my child away from such an irresponsible person.

[DN]

...and probably would have taken my child away from such an irresponsible person.

While this is an understandable emotional reaction, most family courts will not allow a spouse whose partner has cheated to cut off the partner from contact with children, in fact a spouse who attempts doing that runs the risk of jeopardising their own position in child custody decisions.

[Hope75]

Miracle,

 

Something to add is that as far as I have read, (and correct me if I am wrong, SL,) SL's husband did not cheat on her per sae. He had something that SL calls "an emotional affair" with this women.

 

What exactly does that entail, SL?

 

I still stand by focusing your energies on your marriage and your new family.