Need level-headed advice

[Emmylu]

I met a guy online. We've been emailing and chatting everyday for the past month. Things happened very quickly and he's mentioned marriage. We have not met. But I'm planning to visit him (he's in another country) in a few weeks. We both say we're so happy.

 

Soon after I started having feelings for him, I closed my account on the dating site, and he knows. About 2 weeks ago, I logged in with a very old account that I thought I had deleted at least 3 years ago. I was curious because that site kept emailing me as if my account was still active.

 

Once I got reactivated by logging in, I couldn't help it and went to look at my guy's profile to see if he is still on. To my surprise, he is still active. I didn't say anything to him, and in the past 2 weeks noted that he logs in almost every day.

 

I don't confront him about it because (1) I'm not supposed to be on the site, (2) I'm not supposed to be checking up on him, (3) we haven't met so I have no right to ask him to stop looking, (4) what good would it do when he's not ready to commit to me.

 

I told myself, "you can't rush things, let him take his time". Or I make excuses for him like "he's just bored".

 

But this has really bothered me because it makes him really two-faced. We'd be chatting and exchanging declarations of love and devotion. He tells me he's so tired, need to get some sleep, but will be thinking of me. Then right after we say our lovey-dovey goodbyes, he goes right on to the dating site.

 

There are times when we chat right after I see he's been on the site, and he tells me that he just woke up. At those times when we chat, I am cold to him because I'm upset but can't tell him why, and he thinks I'm a very moody person.

 

I don't understand how he can say how much he loves me, spend money on calling me up internationally almost everyday, and yet he can't stop logging in on that site.

 

Because of all this, I am ready to give up on him, cancel my trip to see him and break off our contact. Am I being sensible, or am I being unfair? I'm just not sure anymore. I do know I am sick of checking up on him. No honesty. No trust. Not much of a relationship.

 

Can someone please tell me what I should do? Many thanks in advance.

[hosswhispra]

Because of all this, I am ready to give up on him, cancel my trip to see him and break off our contact. Am I being sensible, or am I being unfair? I'm just not sure anymore. I do know I am sick of checking up on him. No honesty. No trust. Not much of a relationship.

 

Can someone please tell me what I should do? Many thanks in advance.

 

I can't tell you what not to do or do. But in my book if there is no trust or honesty...that's a dealbreaker for me.

[blender]

Okay, this is not about YOU telling HIM anything, or asking him WHY, if you are mature and have self respect, the facts you have discovered are so very disturbing, he is a liar, and you should CANCEL YOUR TRIP, do NOT get involved with this guy.

 

Start slowing down your contact with him, and there is NO reason to let him KNOW why, there is simply nothing to build on here, he's a weirdo and it's impossible to tell that over the phone...or in emails, but FATE has intervened and you were SMART to look his profile up to see if it was active, and just finding that out should send you running, do NOT stick around for what OR WHO you 'THOUGHT' he was because you have been blessed with very clear evidence that he is NOT who you think he is.

 

Do not go on this trip, do NOT even tell him why, just break it off anyway you can and yes, you will "miss" what/who you thought he was, but you have NOW found out who he REALLY IS... and you are so lucky, take this as a blessing do not ignore this 'GIFT" of clarity.... please stay away... his pattern of saying he was 'sleeping" or getting off the phone to "go to sleep" well that's just plain scary... Can you see "clearly" right now or are you too "emotional" about getting this info? Ya know we have to "see" the blessing that come our way even if they seem "hurtful" to know at the time, but there is A REASON fate let you in on this info and it is so you can be "educated about this man" and NOT go on the trip....

 

If you're a woman with class, he should be making the "first trip to see you" anyway... yikes, I feel for you, but get it togther, I know you are "hurting" with this new info, but try "thanking god" you found this out... protect yourself, you would advise a friend to do the same. do NOT make any EXCUSES for his behavior no matter how much hope you have for the two of you, it DOES NOT REALLY EXSIST, this is over, take care of YOU and move on...

 

Would you want this guy around your family? Is there any men in your life you respect and admire? Would they approve of this behavior? This is a god sent RED FLAG for you to run in the other direction, do NOT ignore it, and remember there is no need to discuss this with him, he will only explain it away... YOU had every right to see if he was still "active" that's called being a smart woman and now follow that "intelligence" through all the way and do NOT go on this trip and try to stop any communication with him... this is going NOWHERE...

 

Try not to get to "wrapped up" in the loss of what you had hoped for, get 'wrapped up" in the "TRUTH" you just discovered and base your decisions on this... please, please, be thankful you found all this out... something greater than you was looking out for you, this is fate that you discovered this.. be smart and grateful for this info and act accordingly... get away from him.

 

let us know how you're doing or if you need any advice on how to "proceed". with understanding, blender

[Boricua7]

...Things happened very quickly and he's mentioned marriage. We have not met...

 

...what good would it do when he's not ready to commit to me...

 

Sorry but these two statements contradict eachother.

 

This guy sounds like a liar. Don't pursue anything with this guy. Don't go out of your way to see him, he should be coming to you.

 

It would be one thing if he still went to this site and you knew about it but it is a completely different thing when he chats with you stating that he "just woke up" when he's really just been on that dating site.

 

I say confront him. If you want him to be honest with you, you should be honest with him. No, you're not supposed to be on the site or anything but I think that this is an erroneous argument if by doing so you've caught him in a lie. Tell him you went on to delete an old account because you'd been getting e-mail from this site after having deleted your account and noticed that he was still active. Let him know that you don't care if he is active or not since you two aren't officially committed but that it bothers you that he is lying to you about it. This is all I can think of for you to do.

 

Some people lie because they want to avoid a fight, not just because they are hiding something. You know when something looks bad. I am guilty of having done this from time to time. Maybe this is the case? Who knows. For right now all you know is that he has been lying and although you should give him the benefit of the doubt, do not forget that he has been LYING to you.

[neolithic]

he does sound a little suspicious, but i'm not in your position, talking to him, having the actual conversations, so i can't be sure.

 

you can a) talk to him about it b) decide that its appearance is too much and cancel the trip, stop talking to him, etc c) ignore it

 

i'm pretty sure c. isn't working out for you so far. you can talk to him about it and have it completely explained, if you feel good or bad about his response, or just leave based on these things. either way, his actions are somewhat suspicious so i don't think he could call you "crazy," you know. but either way, you'll know.

 

and yeah, why are you the one making the first trip??

[blender]

remember ACTIONS SPEAK "LOUDER" THAN WORDS, and they should to you, his "actions" no matter what his explaination may be... is a god given gift of clarity, and you should only make your decision based on what he's done, not what he tells you he gonna do... this is a "blessing" no need to give him the "benefit of the doubt" you've already done that when you planned a trip, and now you find this out.... use this information to protect yourself... this is NOT a good guy... he simply is NOT, who knows how many women he's having the same conversations with... get away from him... there is NOT excuse for what he is doing.. none. Can you think of some reason that he could tell you that you would self respecting accept from him? Try to write down what "good" reason there is for him to lie to you or to still be on that site... write them all down, any reason you can think of and then read them to yourself, would you accept any of them and still be in control of your own self respect? I honestly can NOT think of ONE good reason for his behavior, or any excuse either... this behavior should NOT be acceptable for you.. please do NOT go on this trip, and try to ween yourself off any communication with him, there is no reason to tell him why, just tell him it's "just a gut instinct" that this won't work out... that's all...

[itsallgrand]

Cut contact. You owe him nothing. One month of exchange with a liar: chalk it up as a learning experience.

 

After one month you were ready to go to another country to see this guy?

Too early.

Too early to be saying 'I love you" and mean it.

Too early to commit to anyone or anything you have not being able to test in reality.

 

Sorry if that comes accross harsh. I know it can be easy to get 'wrapped up' in situations like this.

 

But you owe him nothing. If you decide to move forward with him - I would be prepared for more of the same - and WORSE.

[annie24]

Cut contact. You owe him nothing. One month of exchange with a liar: chalk it up as a learning experience.

 

After one month you were ready to go to another country to see this guy?

Too early.

Too early to be saying 'I love you" and mean it.

Too early to commit to anyone or anything you have not being able to test in reality.

 

Sorry if that comes accross harsh. I know it can be easy to get 'wrapped up' in situations like this.

 

But you owe him nothing. If you decide to move forward with him - I would be prepared for more of the same - and WORSE.

 

I AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You don't know this guy, and he is talking marriage?!?!?! And still logging onto the dating site everyday!?!?!?! I bet he is saying the same thing to dozens of other women, having one fly out each weekend. Yes, there are some sleazy guys out there just like that.

 

My advice: trade in your plane ticket for a fun vacation with your girlfriends.

 

You have not lost much. 1 month of taking with a man who lives countries away who is lying is not much of a loss.

 

A man that is truly in love would have cancelled his account!

 

ugggg!!!

 

move on.

[blender]

You're getting some great advice here... please stay away from this guy. Any guy who says he "loves you" and "come out and see me" in such a short time is a "red flag" and I know it's so wonderful for a girl to "hear' these things, they are like a drug... and any "drug" you become addicted to is only going to put you in harms way. You are a smart girl and you can learn from this, how great you were smart enough to look up his profile... thank god you did this.. and i mean "thank god"...

[Bethany]

He is probaly looking for multiple dates. You could be number 15 on his list of 'Chicks he wants to meet'.

It's not such a bad thing if it's done in the open as I'm sure there is more than one you fancied yourself.

 

But it's the fact he lies to your 'face' and feeds you lines about the future and then goes behind your back and does that that gets to me. That's a no-no and I would kick his (cyber) sorry a** for that one as you should too.

[annie24]

He is probaly looking for multiple dates. You could be number 15 on his list of 'Chicks he wants to meet'.

It's not such a bad thing if it's done in the open as I'm sure there is more than one you fancied yourself.

 

But it's the fact he lies to your 'face' and feeds you lines about the future and then goes behind your back and does that that gets to me. That's a no-no and I would kick his (cyber) sorry a** for that one as you should too.

 

especially since you are flying out to him!!!! If he were really serious, he would have flown out to meet you for the first visit.

 

This way, he gets to have a fun weekend with a different girl every weekend.

[renaissancewoman101]

Emmylu, I feel for you and understand the confusion and angst you are going through. I have had something similar happen to me at an online dating site, about 4 years ago, except the guy was living in a city not too far from me. I had an ad up and he wrote me and we started writing each other back a few times. Then we met up and went out and started dating and he became my bf. He seemed so committed to me. We spent a lot of time together and all that. Things were going great for the first month and I, naieve as I am, assumed that since he said that we were bf/gf and all that, that he was not looking on the website. Well, the guy kind of dug his own grave. He was still on the website and he decided to write a girl who lived about 30 miles from me. He didnt realize that the girl he wrote was a good friend of mines. My friend wrote him back a few times before she told me about it because she wanted to see what he was up too. Turns out he was trolling around for women and he never said that he was dating someone. He came off to her as he was really attracted to her, was single and wanted her to be his gf.

 

After about a week, my friend told me about it, printed out the emails they shared and showed it to me. I was devastated and heartbroken, and I was angry. I felt really stupid and dumb for trusting someone I had met online.

 

I could have confronted him right then and there, or just walked away. I decided not to. I decided to teach him a lesson. I had my friend write him back and string him along, telling him she was into him, etc, etc. I also had her play hard to get and string him along. He was dumb guy. I still saw him and hung out with him and listened to the lies he fed me and all that. I was angry but I was determined to teach him a lesson. My friend still wrote him, arranged with him to meet him at places. He showed up, she wouldnt and would have an excuse for him why. Dumb guy he was, he bought the lies hook, line and sinker and still wanted to write her, see her, etc. Finally, we got sick of the game and at the last meeting we arranged, I showed up and ripped him into one. That was the end of that one.

 

That is one of the BIG reasons why I hate internet dating. Men are a*sholes.

[Emmylu]

Big thanks to everyone for taking the time to help me and for caring.

 

I have never associated the word "liar" with this guy until I read it written out here in your reponses to my question.

 

Actually, few weeks back, he slipped up in conversation and I found out he is actually 10 years older than he claimed on his profile. I assured him it was fine, and that I like older men, because I didn't want him to feel bad or embarrased about it. I guess he did kind of lie...

 

I know this all looks bad, and yet what I feel for him is so real to me. But I guess the bottom line is : It's not working. Or I wouldn't be so unhappy.

[annie24]

oh my! 10 years is not a little fib!!!

[blender]

you said:

 

"I know this all looks bad, and yet what I feel for him is so real to me. But I guess the bottom line is : It's not working. Or I wouldn't be so unhappy."

 

Of course what you "FEEL" for him is so real, but that's a "feeling" not a "fact", and the fact is, this guy is nothing but a big RED FLAG, stay away...

 

and as far as it's "not working" " or I wouldn't be so unhappy"

 

When you get into a relationship where you start to "dream" about it's "potential" and you let this blur your vision to actually "see" what and who he REALLY is, well of course we can be unhappy, because when a dream becomes "no longer real potential" we get "disappointed" so instead of brushing ourselves off and moving on with the "facts" we sometimes CHOOSE to hang on the "feelings" and "hopes" we had in the beginning... well it's time to "let go", and if you choose not to...well then you are making an educated decision to stay involved with a lying, imature, creep, and you will be wasting precious time and energy, why not take a few hours a week and really help someone who "needs" it, like volunteering at a hospital, if you are really "into" helping others, then don't give it to this "idiot of a man" put it to good use for others, and who knows when you are doing something truly worthwhile, the man of your dreams may be waiting right there as a reward...

 

Any more time spent with this guy is "stopping" you from becoming a smarter, better, catch, for a really worthwhile trustworthy, man.

 

I would have been so turned off by the fact that YOU were flying to see him instead of the other way around... remember you get what you tolerate, and YOU might want to have some "standards" in place before even wanting to "date" anyone.... this will save you so much heartache in the future... YOU should not be agreeing to go fly and see a man this early on in ANY relationship...you will only draw losers into your life if these are your values, you deserve so much more, set a tone for your life, and have standards, and try NOT to be so willing or needy that you keep "brushing his lies" under the carpet and protecting him from himself, he's a grown man, he can take care of "Him" and I'm sure he will do just that, for now, YOU take care of ONLY YOU. Get yourself together and have the self respect to "move on", you are great and worthy of so much better.

[MewSkitty]

I don't know if this is the best thing to do, but this is what I'd do:

 

I'd confess that you'd been checkinging on him, and ask why he still goes to that site. The reason I'd do this is because if he's still going on a dating site he might be cheating on you and I hate cheaters. Well anyways, I'd confront him, find out the truth and the next thing I'd do would depend on why he still goes to that site.

[Tropigal30]

Until you meet you're not really committed to each other - body language makes up for 80% of communication ... and until you meet in person it doesn't matter how "virtually compatible" you are you can't possibly know if you're into this guy or not.

 

I was "virtually seeing" a guy for a month and the virtual chemistry was amazing, we talked for about four hours a day on the phone ... then we met ... and ... NOTHING ! No physical chemistry whatsoever.

 

On the fact that he's still logging in ... he is still meeting people probably and getting to know people ... he's not necessarily cheating on you unless you guys established an agreement you would no longer use the site ?

 

"(1) I'm not supposed to be on the site, (2) I'm not supposed to be checking up on him, (3) we haven't met so I have no right to ask him to stop looking, (4) what good would it do when he's not ready to commit to me."

 

1) Who says you're not supposed to be on the site ? Flirting is healthy and does not mean cheating unless you're taking it beyond normal chat.

 

2) You have every right to check up on him - I would be honest and make a joke of it and say "hey I logged in the other day to delete my profile and you seem like you've been pretty active" and see what he has to say. You have a right to know where you stand, and if he is still hooking up with women left right and centre.

 

3) Absolutely right on this one, and you shouldn't be pinning all your hopes on this one guy either until you've met and established the relationship

 

4) How can you commit to someone you've never met ? Meeting is the first stage of committment, I would meet him and see how it goes after that. Maybe don't tell him you've been checking up on him and that will be something you can monitor after if you get involved, to help measure his committment to you.

 

I would still go for it, unless he's breaking some agreement you two had ?

 

The whole idea of these sites is to meet lots of people until you find someone who you're totally compatible with ... at the moment you two are still "virtually dating" ...