want to throw up

[teacup]

a few months ago in november, i dated a guy for 5-6 times. then i told him that his friend asked me to hang out...he said "uh-oh" and said nothing else. since he didn't seem to care, i went out with his friend who treated me nicely and well. it felt so different being with his friend....i felt happy, laughed, i felt good.

 

but with him, i felt anxious, eager to please, on edge, i always felt something was wrong and couldn't put my finger on it. well, they found out from each other before i could make a clear decision, i am told that guy1 was very angry. but i mean, i told him before. i was a toy he didn't want but didn't want anyone else to have. i tried to tell guy2 that there was something weird about guy1 and that guy1 didn't care about me and treated me like crap. (which was the TRUTH).

 

i mean, have you ever been on a date with a guy, where he does not want you to order and just sits there eating his meal and then protests when u say ur going to order something small? even so early on, his behavior was bizarre.

 

oh yeah, i had sex with guy1 and then he dumped me right afterwards. but that's not even what bothers me the most......what bothers me the most is that he drove a wedge between guy2 and me....we got along really well. but now he wont talk to me.

 

i tried to explain to guy2 that his good friend is a twisted, creepy, sick person, as well as an alcoholic. (i have never met anyone who behaved so bizarrely but he would do this when we were alone and never in public, never when there were witnesses to his behavior, he made me cry so many times). guy1 has an amazing verbal ability to twist the truth into lies and to twist lies into truth. he can make anything sound convincing, and he is very good at his game.....very subtle and passive aggressive.

 

today, i read a website on serial bullies. i mean, guy1 fits the profile of a sociopath. charming - check. deceptive - check. manipulative - check. lies - check. makes excuses - check. blaming - check. i am afraid of him, i think he is capable of anything.

 

so.....because i got involved with a bad person (guy1), i lost the possibility and potential of a good friend (guy2). i keep praying to god or the universe that one day the truth will be shown.....not because i want anything more to do with guy2 but because i want my name cleared. i was innocent and victimized and it really really sickens me how guy1 got away with everything.

 

i think his friend is so dumb and unperceptive not to see it. i mean, guy1 has lied to guy2 before. he said that his second dui was because he drank some cough medicine. tell me that is not a lie? i tried to warn him.....i really did.....his friend is very twisted and sick.

 

i just feel sick....i know i'll get over it......but it really makes me very sick.

[monsieur]

I'm wondering why you would reward his very poor behaviour by having sex with him? Reading on this forum alone there are guys that are trying to be so good and nice in so many ways and women seem to ignore them, then I read this about a guy that is a piece of crap and yet you reward him. I can't figure all of this out.

[teacup]

my mind was messed up. i could barely think straight at the time. i was seriously messed up mentally and emotionally by all this, by all his mind games, his control, his manipulation. he blamed everything on me, he guilt tripped me.....it was awful.

[DN]

I think it's time you got past this issue. The fact is that they were friends and you came between them. No matter how much you badmouth guy #1 to guy #2 you were still seeing both of them at the same time and that is probably why neither of them has much time for you. You were the one driving wedges here by your behaviour.

[teacup]

but i told guy1 straight out that his friend asked me to hang out. and he did not say anything. even back then i knew he was not sincere about liking me.....he DID NOT care about me. he treated me like crap.

 

i told guy2 i was seeing someone and he was fine with that but i didn't say who. i was going to tell him after i made a decision. but he actually treated me nice and i think he actually like me.

 

principles are principles, but explain something to me, why is it that i am supposed to be loyal to a guy (guy1) who did not care about me, treated me badly, hurt me, and wasn't going to commit to me? why should i not pick his friend when i could tell his friend was honest, sincere and cared? it is not like they both liked me and cared for me and i came between that.

 

and i am not bad mouthing guy1 as much as i really did see how hurtful and harmful he is. was i supposed to have loyalty to someone who treated me like trash?

 

i had sex with guy1 for the first time on his birthday. afterwards he sent me home. i went home but i was so upset that he wouldnt spend any time with me, that he rolled on his back and ignored me right after we had sex. i knocked on his door, i was almost crying...he saw me at the door and he looked really pissed off. he tried to slam it on me. then he yelled "GET THE * * * * OUT". he started threatening to call the police on this crazy person. by that time i was crying so hard, i was pleading with him that i just wanted to talk to him, that i just wanted a few minutes. but i was also really shocked.

 

i also remember the night i stayed up all night, wanting to throw up, shaking like a leaf, wanting to go to the emergency room, couldn't sleep and wanted to be sedated.

[DN]

I still think it is time you got past this issue and moved on. Constantly thinking about it and agonizing over this aspect or that isn't going to help you. The hard fact is that neither of them want you for whatever reason and your best bet is to go find someone who can offer you a good relationship.

[teacup]

i dont want guy2. i dont want someone who doesnt believe in me. i want a guy who can see me for who i am and who can see my true character and know that im not the type of person who would lie. a guy with honesty, integrity, faith, and belief in me.

 

i dont want guy1, im sure he's hurt a lot of ppl.

 

but i want the truth to be told. if not to them, then at least here.

 

i did nothing wrong. but it's ironic that the victim takes all the blame.

[DN]

Well, if you wan to think you did nothing wrong that is your prerogative. Personally, I can't agree that dating two friends at the same time is good behaviour nor can I agree that trying to badmouth one friend to another is acceptable.

 

Believing yourself a victim, whether you are or not, is rarely a good idea. You put yourself in a weak position from which it is very difficult to move on. Much better to learn any lessons from a situation and use them to make you stronger for the future. You can't change the past, nor can you change how somebody else acted. But you can take responsibility for any mistakes that you made and also take responsibility for how you act in the future. Blaming other people alone for things might make you feel better in the short term but it rarely helps you long term.

[teacup]

i know. i dont want him.....but i do wish my name were cleared. it's true that i dated guy1 first, but how was i supposed to know beforehand he was sick and hurtful and did not care and was playing games the whole time?

 

i wish guy2 had asked me out first, then this whole mess wouldn't be like this.

 

but guy1 turned this into a "loyalty" issue between friends. he is very clever and manipulative. at the end, when he dumped me right after sex, he told me i was a "nice nice" girl. he knew....he knows everything....he just doesn't care about anyone but himself and his own agenda.

 

TRYING to badmouth? he did treat me like crap. i wouldn't say this if he had treated me right.

[DN]

TRYING to badmouth? he did treat me like crap. i wouldn't say this if he had treated me right.

Even if he did, it would still have been better to have said nothing to his friend.

[teacup]

i know. it would have been better not to say anything. im so used to saying things straight out as i see them. i didn't even imagine that i wouldn't be believed. i never imagined things would turn out this way. i mean, it is not my place to interfere with their friendship, but guy2 could have at least heard me out and then judged for himself.

 

i do not think guy1 is foolproof. i hope he slips up as he gets sicker and sicker (w/ the alcohol). think there is anything i could say to guy2 that would at least let him recognize that i wasnt a liar if he ever sees guy1's real side?

 

a drug and addictions counselor told me that early stage alcoholics are some of the most deceptive and charming ppl but it is only in the later stages that ppl begin to see their lies and deceptions.

[avman]

Perhaps guy2 did hear you out and judged for himself. He may have judged that he didn't like you bashing his friend.

[teacup]

sigh....he took it the wrong way. i really was just trying to tell the truth. guy1 really was very bad to me. and i did tell guy2 that his guy1 is an alcoholic......it seemed so obvious to me that i assumed it was something others could see too (3 duis, a beer at lunch everyday, high tolerance). why dont other ppl see what i see???

 

i know i am more perceptive than most, but are they blind? don't they have instincts which tell them something is kind of off even if they dont know exactly what it is? are men blind to their male friends?

 

even i am not blind to flaws of my female friends.

[ElektraHere]

Teacup,

 

Where do you find these guys? Outside jails, at seedy bars, what?

 

My mother always said you attract what you put out so if you put out this bad vibe about yourself and that you don't have enough respect for yourself you will attract the ones who can take advantage of that because they themselves dont respect. It's like a lion stalking the weakest in the herd. They zone in on you and you are then in the situations you seem to get into quite often.

 

DN is right about dating the 2 friends and all at the same time. 1 you wouldn't date both at the same time, 2 you wouldnt bad mouth one to the other because at the end of the day they are still going to be friends. Guys are alot different then girls more forgiving about things especially if its bad mouthing from a jilted girl.

 

You seriously need to look at how you conduct your life and seek out some professional help for some of these patterns you can't seem to break.

 

I could be off base but thats my two cents.

[teacup]

im already in therapy.

 

u should have seen how pleased guy1 was when he told me that guy2 felt very strongly that they should both never talk to me again.

 

i feel my good name has been dragged through the mud.

 

i think my happiness was pretty much over when i first got involved w/ guy1. i never knew he would put me through such hell.

[shes2smart]

Who cares what either of these guys thinks about you....one's an alcoholic and the other is (by your description) blind to his friend's faults. They suit one another perfectly. Leave them be and forget it.

 

Y'know, gal, it doesn't matter what you do in life...somewhere, sometime, someone will take it the wrong way, think poorly of you, think you're wrong or psycho or clueless. You could spend every waking moment trying to "clear your name" and it still wouldn't be enough. People are gonna think what they wanna think, and they've got the right to do that.

 

Screw 'em. You did what you could with the information you had at the time. Now that you know better, do better.

 

DN is right...it's time (past time) to move on. Take the lessons you've learned, and don't bother with either of these guys anymore. It's over. It's done. Let it go.

[ElektraHere]

If you don't want your good name dragged through the mud quit playing by the pig pens!

[shes2smart]

If you don't want your good name dragged through the mud quit playing by the pig pens!

 

Well put.

[Cassie]

Teacup, you are being offered wonderful advice here by everyone. Let it go. Neither of these men are worth the aggravation and energy you are allowing them to have in your life. Look at it this way, hon. They were put in your life for a reason, to give you a learning experience to help you grow as a person. Take the positive lessons you learned from the situation and never repeat this again. You deserve much better -- start to believe in yourself. Good luck with everything, hon.

[teacup]

okay. i will. i learned some huge lessons. thanks ladies.....it helps to pour it out somewhere. i think he must be pretty blind to have such a bad friend and not know it, but then guy2 did tell me before that his exgf cheated with his former best friend, and he told me these stories about his other exgf hitting him with a car on purpose when they got in a fight. it's strange to me that he can forgive these other things but he is so angry at me. selective moralism?

 

well, let me tell you what is happening, and this time i SEE the big RED waving flag and im running. this other guy has seemed to like me and tried to get me for months. asks me to call him anytime. asks me to movies, says that if i want to go to dinner.....he will take me. i never trusted him, was never much interested but we were friendly. he said we were friends and that he didnt want anything from me except conversation (heh). but then lately i have been talking to him more on Aim, and the more i talk to him, now he doesn't IM me, and he just signed off right in the middle of a convo. i think it's intentional. i think it's about control. i have been through too much * * * * to ignore it and pretend i didn't notice.

 

and something weird i noticed is that he doesn't call me or ask me to go someplace, he wants me to call, he wants me to contact him. i think it's about control. ugh. not again.

 

for ur info.....all these 3 guys worked at the same company i used to work at. i guess it's one big pig pen.

 

thanks everyone for talking with me, it was just what i needed.

[Cassie]

It may be an ego boost for this guy. However, all of us here know your time is too precious to be wasted on someone who isn't going to value you in the way you deserve.

 

Whenever I have my heart broken, I find solace in these lyrics. I thought I would share them with you.

 

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are.

Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms.

This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you."

 

Each person in your life who hurts you is teaching you an invaluable lesson. From my own personal experience, my most painful relationships also served as some of the greatest teachers in my life. They thought they had left me broken, but the scars left helped me become stronger and wiser. I learned so much about myself as a person, how to truly value my own self worth. And the man you deserve, the one who will love and cherish you unconditionally, is waiting at the end of your own broken road. So stop looking behind you, girl. Leave these two vermin as road kill and step on over them. It's time to lift up your head and push forward. After all, you never know who may be waiting just around the next bend.

[Caldus]

"...and thus I willed it." -- Nietzsche

 

Every experience serves us in some shape or form. Or rather, it can serve us. Or it ought to serve us.

 

Y'know, gal, it doesn't matter what you do in life...somewhere, sometime, someone will take it the wrong way, think poorly of you, think you're wrong or psycho or clueless. You could spend every waking moment trying to "clear your name" and it still wouldn't be enough. People are gonna think what they wanna think, and they've got the right to do that.

 

Yeah, I am wondering why you need to 'clear your name' so to speak. That apparently seems to be impossible now. Even if it is possible, is it really necessary to clear your name at this point?

 

...and as someone else said, stop playing the role of the victim or you will continue to be victimized in your life. It's one of those apparently universal laws of human nature.

[heythere1234]

teacup drop #1 and # 2, I tell you I've had countless creepy guys do that same thing to me. I like their friend, and they think they own me or something, even though I don't even like them. It can happen even on as small a scale as guys you don't even know where you're out at a club and you think one's cute and don't fancy the other one, well the one you don't like is jealous of his friend and drives that wedge between.

 

So my advice to you is this, I totally understand your frustration with the situation. Remember, a guy who cannot think for himself, and whose gonna let some other guy bully or talk him out of dating someone with out figuring it out for himself is a wimp and a pushover and you wouldn't want to date him anyways, would you? A real man can make up his own mind and goes after what he wants without his friends telling him what to do.

[annie24]

Yeah, I agree with shes2smart. who cares about what guy #1 and guy #2 (dumb and dumber) think? Let them have each other. You have better things to do.

[heythere1234]

Yeah, I agree with shes2smart. who cares about what guy #1 and guy #2 (dumb and dumber) think? Let them have each other. You have better things to do.

 

It's sooo true!!