Seriously Depressed Over Baby and Going back to work

[miracle29]

Ok so finally I got a job. I wanted to own my own business (which I will in 6 months but...for now)... I am going to be working at a Daycare the same one my baby will go too, however i'll be in another room and she'll be in the INfant room since she is only 3 months.

 

Ok..so here is the issue...

I love my baby so much and i'm seriously trying to change her habits. Every since she was born, if she even whimpered, me and her father rushed to her and simply picked her up, kissed her, hugged her, anything we could to get her to stop crying and feel better. Now I have to go to work and have to change that because I can't be in the room with her, and her caregiver is not going to be able to pick her up all the time with other children to look after. Thats just ONE issue.

 

The second issue is my baby is strickly breast fed, BUT now because i'll be working I am trying to get her on the bottle. She is refusing it...as i thought she would and the trying to let her "cry it out" is killing me and her father.

 

I cry when she cries sometimes...its hurting me so badly. I just feel like me letting her cry it out is cruel. Am i being a cruel mother trying to break her from always getting picked up when she cries? Is she too young to adjust, should I wait ? I don't know what to do..I'm sick with depression over this.

 

Seeing her whimper in tears while i try to just talk to her and not pick her up is heart wrenching. Most mothers and Fathers I know, will understand.

 

Please offer your opinions..I really hope a lot of people respond to this because I need as much help as I can get. Thanks in advanced.

[itsallgrand]

Your a good mum for realizing there is going to be an adjustment needed so that things are easier on her. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about - you're just doing typical mum worrying!

 

You have 6 months to ease her into new habits. That sounds adequate. You have all kinds of options, and I am sure you will find ways to deal with this so it's not a terribly painful transition.

 

Of course, you'll miss your baby. Another mum thing.

 

Keep in mind that you are doing these things for her best interest. It is hard watching a child get upset - but they tend to do that when they don't get their way. You are not hurting her, you're helping to make life easier for her when you are at work. And you are teaching her valuable skills early on.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Congrats on your new job!

[blueangel]

Babies stress out the more you do- they feel it in your energy. Don't worry about such little things. If you stay cheerful, your baby will trust you more. I did a report on a baby's brain and yes, it is true that their brain grows the most through interaction with the main caregiver... but if you ease her off and into social areas, TALK with the daycare-giver about how you feel so she/he can comfort you and then, just relax- everything will be okay. If the baby recognized you loved her from the beginning, her emotional health is set. You have nothing to worry about? Do you really think your baby's going to remember every moment it wasn't you or every time she/he had to adapt to something different that young? Do you?

 

The answer is to relax and your baby will relax. If it sees you fretting on what to do with your husband or even when you two are alone in the room, it will upset her/hisself as well. Just stay calm. Look her/him in the eyes in a comforting way as much as you can so that even when you walk out the door, that look will stay and he/she won't forget.

 

I'm no mother- but I did a BIG report. What I'm saying is very true.

[southerngirl]

I never let my babies cry it out either. My oldest son is now 8 and my 2nd son is 15 months. Thats awesome that your going to be working at the Daycare. Good for you. She will be okay and you wont be far away. You'll know that they are doing the best they can for her. If she is only 3 months old, she may not be able to comfort herself yet and does need that closeness.. Oh boy about the bottles! I know what you mean. Are you pumping? Have you talked to her doctor about the bottle thing, they may have some tips...

 

It will all be fine, youll see. I think its normal for you to worry, I know I do about my babies! She will be fine too and will adjust to being in the care of someone else!

[Lunabelle]

For the baby, I mean.

 

My friend's baby was going through the same issue, and out of frustration she tried letting baby sip from a cup and discovered it was satisfactory to baby. Some babies get nipple "confusion", some don't. Don't take it as a sign you're a bad mom -- you're NOT! This is just one of many, many many development issues you're going to have to deal with on a regular basis as a mom. Don't freak out every time, or your life will be one big freak out.

 

Keep trying different nipples if you really want her to use a bottle. Different materials feel different in the mouth you know. Also, every baby is different in their sucking needs, too. For some it seems to be a real need and for those a pacifier seems to help. Even if you only use it at certain times like nighttime. (I don't know how the day care center feels about pacifiers though).

 

As an experienced mom of three, working more often than not over the last 15 years, I can tell you that babies are wonderfully adaptive, and she will adapt to this situation. It does seem like forever when you are the parents going through it.

 

In my own experience, the vast majority of my baby worries were really sublimated feelings about how conflicted I was about going back to work. My natural instinct seemed to be to take care of my babies, but sometimes that just isn't financially feasible.

 

You have a singular advantage -- you will be literally steps away from your baby all day! Not hours away by freeway! In case of emergency, you are right there! You will have a very intimate look at how she spends her day. You'll know if it's been a good day, or bad day, and you'll have a better idea what to expect when you are with her at the end of the day.

 

The other issue here may be your confidence in her care givers. I hired the best I could afford, at times I paid half my salary to my nanny (who was with us five years). But I knew that was only temporary, a few years at most. Personally I've found motherhood came at an expense to my career, which has now happened in fits and starts over the last 15 years. I'm sure other people may be integrating the two better than I have.

 

Don't worry -- it will all be okay! You've given your baby a wonderful start with six months of breastfeeding! But breastfeeding is a stage in a baby's life -- it has to end at some point. You can still nurse her at evenings and nighttime too. She may also accept a cup (sippy or otherwise) from someone else besides you. Also I've learned many babies don't like warmed milk of any type but prefer it cold or room temp. Warmed is basically a preference we teach them when we offer it warm. Consider your options. If you nurse her immediately before starting work, and then immediately after, how much milk does she really need during the daytime? Would a small bottle of water do just as well? (Again, she may accept water in a bottle but not milk). Is she getting enough calories otherwise? Sometimes babies will accept different formulas from a bottle but not breast milk.

 

I gotta tell ya -- passing on that bottle stage I think could really be a benefit and reduce a lot of hassle over the next few years.

 

Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes!

[SLMitchell918]

Sometimes I let my daughter Savannah cry it out. It just depends. I watch her moods and if her mood is " i'm bored, or I"m sleepy and crappy" i try to let her stay in her bouncer but she knows I'm near. Normally she takes a nap and it does a world of good.

Don't give up on the bottle feeding. I know it is very frustrating. Almost as frustrating as getting her to lach on to your nipple in the first week but just hang in there. Be persistent. Try getting the supper soft nipples that are designed for switching from the breast to the nipple. I've found that those work great.

Congrads on the new job. Its a great thing that you will pretty much have your daughter with you in the same building. I am an office manager and my daughter goes to work with me. Its a great advantage and be grateful. ( I know you are )

I know its hard to watch them cry. People have so many different ideas on should you let them cry or not. Frankly its up to you, deep down you know what is best for her. Just watch her moods and learn why she is crying. Once you rule out, I'm hungry, I'm wet - you can pretty much count on it being Im tired, bored or maybe even sometimes sick.

My daughter is three months too so I'm learning as I go but I've learned to watch her moods.

Your daughter will adapted to the new surroundings and when you pop in to see her, i'm sure it will make her smile. If you can't get her to take to her bottle do you think the day care will let you feed her?

Let me know how it goes and good luck!

[Lunabelle]

SLMitchell has a great suggestion! (why didn't I think of that?) Why not nurse her on your lunch break?

 

As for the crying, as a general rule I'd say not to let them go at it for any length of time, it generally seems to really scare them too. After a while I believe they have forgotten why they are crying in the first place and don't quite know how to shut it off. This is why simple distraction often works well with the little ones.

 

Also, you are assuming quite a bit. You assume she'll cry a lot and need to be comforted. Some babies are so distracted by what's going on around them at day care that they don't fuss so much (sometimes those little guys just get bored and whine to be entertained!) She will learn very quickly, within just a few days, that she won't get picked up at every whimper. This is a good thing! You don't want to be a slave to her for the next 10 years! And know that even if the first couple weeks are not-so-great, after that it may be fine.

 

My babies went through stages of wanting me more or less, depending on where they were in their development. They don't just suddenly wake up one day and not need you to hold them and touch them. You may go months with no difficulties, then one day baby will decide saying goodbye really stinks and she can't live without you. This happens after they perceive the patterns of what happens every day, also because their cognitive developement proceeds along and suddenly they are more able to anticipate what will happen next.

 

This may sound like dumb advice, but it's the best I can give you: If you enjoy the stage your baby is at right now -- then enjoy it, because it won't last. If you hate the stage she is going through right now -- then don't worry, because it won't last! Either way, they change constantly when they are very little. As infants they seem to go through different stages of development every couple weeks. As toddlers, it's more like every few months. As children, the stages last months or years.

 

I felt your heartache when you wrote of crying when she cries. Oh boy do I remember that. The salty tears running into your mouth while you sing to them or talk to them to calm them. I know you would step in front of a train for your baby. The feelings are so intense it's almost unbearable. You get used to this intense love as baby gets older. Even with a high-school aged daughter my feelings can bring me to my knees but now I've learned to deal with them better!

 

Just look at this as the next step for both of you, one of many you two will take together! It'll be okay.

 

Does your baby have a favorite blankie? I encouraged all my children to use pacifiers and I sort of "arranged" it so that they had a favorite blankie. One son never did get into the favorite blankie thing. If you start when they are little they get used to it around. When my daughter learned to walk I taught her to lay her little blankie on her shoulders like a shawl. With her pacifier and blankie she had tools to calm herself when she needed to.

[miracle29]

Lunabell you as well as the other posters gave me incredible advice. You all don't know how much I needed your support. Thank you so much.

 

The blankie...i'll have to try that.

[fishrrshortae]

Sorry, I didnt read all the posts, but your baby is so young!! Who on earth is someone telling you to let a 3month old cry it out?! At that age, go to your baby whenever you want, and don't have any guilt about it.

 

Also, believe it or not, even infants can learn how to use a cup, albeit carefully. They do this for premature babies that have no "suck" .. Maybe your baby can be taught, or else you can try to nurse the baby at daycare ...

 

Good luck!

[Scotcha]

I breast fed my son as well and when I went back to work I had the same problem as you are now because he didn't want to take the bottle either. I ended up finding one nipple he would take and I believe I bought it at a Toys R Us. The thing was huge, so big it sort of resembled a breast, but I don't remember the brand.

[theantibarbie23]

Three month old babies can not self-soothe so if the daycare you are bringing her to does not tend to her when she cries, that constitutes neglect.

 

I would talk to these people and find out more about their policies, ect. so that you get a better handle on things. It's hard for the first few days, but daycare does get easier with time. You will be in the same building so you can probably drop in on her now and then during the day to help ease your fears too.

[Lunabelle]

Three month old babies can not self-soothe

uh, I beg to differ with you, with all due respect...perhaps we are not talking about exactly the same thing here.....

 

as a complete aside, why do people take the time to respond if, as they outright admit, they haven't read the posts?

[fishrrshortae]

as a complete aside, why do people take the time to respond if, as they outright admit, they haven't read the posts?

 

Sometimes I do that because I only have time to respond, not to read posts which can at times be quite looooong.

My .02

[miracle29]

Good point lunabe...I too have sped through a post and missed one sentence that changed the ENTIRE thing.

 

 

ANYHOW...UPDATE:

 

I tried it for one day and got sick from seperating from my daughter that I vomited. Yes thats right folks i'm too smitten with her..i know..i'm pathetic..but i'm not ready to part with her. I stayed for one day and that was all I could stand. So oh well. I tried.

 

They even handed her to me through a window to breast feed and when I saw her little face as if to say "Oh mamma i thought you left me, don't leave me again" I knew right then that my daughter is not the typical child. I know most mothers say this, but my mother brought up a good point. I believe that my daughter is special and almost can feel what i'm feeling and I can feel her. I knew when she was crying because I felt a pain in my gut. I called the infant room and I said "Is she crying" and the women say, "why yes, but how did you know". I said I'm coming to get her right now.

 

When I waked into the room she was hysterical, seeing her face like that broke my heart. Then I tried to put her to sleep on a swing they had and that second time, when they handed her to me through the window...that was it..i knew that job was not for me, not for now.

 

There is something special about this little girl, and we are bonded very closely. I have even had peple look at how she interacts with me and say "Wow, she really is close to you, whatever you're doing keep doing it, its working". She sometimes just stares in my eyes and i hold her little hand and look at her. If we run into people that I don't care too much for, she will start screaming and wanting to get away from them. I am not making this up.

 

She wont even go to her father for long if I'm not around. I don't mind teh bonding, but sometimes it takes my breath away how much she needs me. Even when he's holding her, she looks for me, she will cry until she see's me. Talk about attachment. Maybe my talking to her while she was in the womb helped, or maybe my singing to her and telling her how much i wanted her and loved her and couldnt wait to see her when she arrived...i don't know what it is, but i'm right about this. She is a very intuned infant.

I'm not trying to discourage other mothers who have NO choice and HAVE to go to work and have to put their children in daycare, but for me..i'm not ready and neither is she!

[SLMitchell918]

I dont blame you. I don't think I could put my daughter in daycare because I would constantly worry about her.

I'm glad that you have realized what is best for you and your daughter. I hope things go well now that you are staying home. Its good that she is so close to her mommy. She loves you unconditionally.

[itsallgrand]

Well, she is very young yet, and you know what is right for you!

Obviously, mom isn't quite ready either...and hey, if that's what you're happy with, go for it!

 

Enjoy your time. Wishing you and your daughter lots of happiness.

[sonjam]

Don't worry, your baby will be fine.

 

I personally don't believe in letting them cry it out at 3 months!!!

She needs you, and she needs to be shown that you love her, and that you are there when she needs you. Respond to her every need now, and you will reap the benefits later.

 

The bottle feeding, try different kinds of teats, and use you breastmilk initially, I had the same problem as you, going back to work, having to move from the breast to the bottle, but believe me, she will take it eventually. JUST DON'T wait until she is screaming for her feed, try starting a little bit early, and coach her a bit, wet her lips with milk, and then introduce the bottle.

 

As for being close to her and being in the same room, you child needs to be exposed to different people in her life, and everyone will treat her differently, nobody will do it exactly the way you do, but that is ok, and you need to let go abit. Don't storm into the room every 10 minutes, let her get to know the new caregivers, they will love her, and be good to her, she will adapt and be fine. Througout her life she will build up relationships with lots of other people, and love other people, its the way it is.

 

you sound like a caring, giving, loving mom, and you are doing it right!