Wait to break up at home or during a weekend visit???

[thebrig]

After months of contemplation, I know I have to break up with my boyfriend of over two and a half years. I'm horribly upset, scared out of my mind, questioning myself the whole deal... but my real question here has nothing to do with the should I's? Basically my problem is that we're long distance right now, I'm at university and he's at home, and he's coming to my apartment for a night on Saturday. Is it heartless to have him drive for an hour, come here (expecting to stay the night) and have his heart broken, or is it best to wait until the next time I visit home? (which isn't until May 1st)

 

I feel like I would be leading him on, I don't know how much longer I can string him along on the phone and internet trying to act normal, because I don't want him to suspect something and have it all blow up over the phone or internet when I can't tell him face to face. Do you think it would be best to tell him that we need to have a talk when he gets here so he's prepared, let it go or wait until school is over?

 

Any advice is appreciated, from people in either position, or an outside perspective.

 

Thanks

[Goodfun88]

If your really feeling this strongly about it, and the relationship is over on your end, I would hate to see you drag it out any longer. I'm not sure about the rules for long distance relationships, but would it be terrible to break up on the phone? I know it seems kinda heartless, but wouldn't it be worse to drag it out until the next time you see him, after he has driven, or even worse, drag it out until you go home? I would end it as soon as possible, so I would make the phone an option. Good Luck!

[princessdi75]

That's a really tough situation, and I'm not sure there is a "right" way to go about doing things. I think it would be best to tell him right away, as you do not want to string him along and have him come to your place when you have no intention of wanting to be with him. If I was in your shoes I would tell him ASAP. I too am the type of person that would NOT want to break up over the phone but you have no control over the circumstances.

 

One thing you should think about though is what would he want? Considering you actually care about his feelings, you have been dating long enough that you should know how he would appreciate you to dump - maybe he would be extremely offended if you did it over the phone and it would be better to wait til he came to visit...

[scarew]

I recently was in your situation. I was with my bf for 4 1/2 years, the last 2 long distance. But I needed to end it. He was coming in to town (1.5 hrs away) that night to see me. I phoned him and told him that I needed a break, I explained myself as best as I could, told him I loved him and I'm sorry and that I still needed him to be there for me as a friend. I told him I still wanted to see him that night but if he needed some time to swallow it that would be fine. He chose to stay home and I just went there to visit a few weeks later.

 

Needless to say, it was a good break up. We are still friends and can call eachother and visit at christmas. I dont think that over the phone is the end of the world because if you are long distance, you relationship is BASED on the phone. You just have to choose your words carefully keeping in mind that they can't see your emotions on your face.

 

But every situation is different I am just sharing my story to tell you that it can be done

[Boricua7]

...I phoned him and told him that I needed a break, I explained myself as best as I could, told him I loved him and I'm sorry and that I still needed him to be there for me as a friend. I told him I still wanted to see him that night but if he needed some time to swallow it that would be fine...

 

I think this is your best bet. Let him know before he gets to you what is going on. He would feel horrible to find that you've been wanting to break up with him for so long and technically "lied" to him for the last couple of days of your relationship. Tell him how you feel and then tell him that if he still wants to come see you that he can (if that's something you want). Make sure he knows that if he does come, not to come with any intentions of trying to get back together with you. You need to emphasize JUST FRIENDS.

[Meow18]

Don't make him drive all the way out to see you. Don't act normal on the phone. Cause that is leading him on.

 

If you know you want to do it, why drag him on any longer? You have to wait for the right moment, but you also can't wait very long cause it's going to be an even bigger shock. And you don't want it to exactly be a shock.

 

I guess just put yourself in his shoes. How would you want him to act? Would you like to have to drive out to see him only to be broken hearted? The best way to break up with someone is to be sensitive and caring. That doesn't mean you have to take them back if they beg, just act how you would want to be treated if they were the ones doing the breaking up.

[arwen]

Point is, there is no real correct way to break up. However, there are a couple of things that can be avoided, that make things even worse.

 

1. procastination. Most times, the other person will notice some difference in behaviour, and spend a lot of time worrying about it. If the break up is finally there, they will feel betrayed for the last part of the relationship

2. breaking up by email or phone, unless it's a long-distance thing.

3. behaving in such a bad way that the other person will break up with you, so that you don't have to.

 

Ok, so all situations once applied to me. However, in long-distance I didn't mind he broke up with me over msn. We just spent a week together, and the goodbye was too hard for us. Things went south from there, and the break up was more or less mutual, though we both are very much in regret that our souls were located in such different locations.

 

I'd follow the advice of scarew. You should get it off your chest anyway, obviously you feel horrible about things, and him coming over or even waiting until May will make things only worse for both of you.

 

Just call him NOW, talk about your feelings, say you have thought about how to tell you and when. It will matter to him that you were thoughtful in this, believe me. I really appreciated the way my longdistance man talked with me during our break up. He expressed all his feelings, we cried together and are very good friends now.

 

Ilse

[thebrig]

I think the reason I personally ruled out a breakup over the phone was because I know he would want me there in person, and I want to be there for him too. I would feel so cold hearted doing this over the phone, we had an amazing 2.5 years, and we've grown in two different directions, I love him, but I need to do this for myself, for where life is taking me.

 

However, I'm beginning to believe that over the phone is probably the best way to do it, with an open invitation to come talk things out if he needs to. We usually see each other on a weekly basis but I have exams and can't make it home, this is his weekend to drive the 45mins to my place. It would be a pretty big blow to come here with expectations of a usual weekend... which is why i considered a warning.

 

This is hard enough without these complications... I can't believe I'm going to have to hurt someone I care so much about.

[Boricua7]

I think the reason I personally ruled out a breakup over the phone was because I know he would want me there in person, and I want to be there for him too. I would feel so cold hearted doing this over the phone, we had an amazing 2.5 years, and we've grown in two different directions, I love him, but I need to do this for myself, for where life is taking me...

 

I'm sure if you say this to him over the phone, he will be more than understanding and will appreciate you being open and honest with him.

[Siriana]

Maybe you could visit him instead this weekend and talk to him.Or say to him that you can't see him this saturday because you have something important for your college - exam....and that you will visit him the weekend after. Both ways you woan't be forced to wait till may, and you wouldn't make him coming to you and than telling him bad news.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think that she should wait till he comes to visit her and then tell him how she feels about their relationship and that she wants to break up. It is best to tell someone in person. Over the phone sounds so impersonal, esp since it is hard to guage how the person really feels since there is no facial expressions to see. It also sounds like someone really doesnt care when they break up over the phone.

 

A lot of people post on here about how they hate it when their bf/gf breaks up with them over the phone. Most of the posters on here have told other people not to break up over the phone that it is impersonal and cruel. I tend to think this falls into that category and deserves a breaking up in person.

[Boricua7]

I think there are times where breaking up over the phone is a better alternative. This being one of the cases simply because it would make anyone feel like the other person really did not care about them to not tell them how they were feeling BEFORE they made a trip to go see them. Atleast for her to tell him over the phone he wouldn't be going to see her without knowing that his heart is about to be broken. Plus, he always has the opportunity to still go see her (if he so chooses) and talk to her in person so that he can see her facial experessions and know that she truly does care about him.

[traz]

Of all 3 options, I think breaking up when he comes to visit this weekend is the worst one, and the one I would least appreciate if I was your boyfriend.

[kellbell]

If it is an option, I would visit him first. Or talk to him on the phone. I would not wait until this weekend and make him drive almost 2 hours to see you only to you break up with him. Remember he has to drive home almost 2 hours after being crushed. Just my thoughts on it.

[bobo85]

If my gf wanted to breakup with me, i would want her to make the effort. So she should have to take the time, drive to my place and sit me down for a talk. I would want her to do this ASAP so i wouldnt want to feel like i was strung along for the ride. You guys went out for 2.5 years....so i'm sure you still care about him at least as a friend. Don't do it over the phone, thats only for couples who have been dating for only a month or people who are REALLY long distance like a 7 hour drive. You only live one hour away...make the drive and let him down gently. Tell him that you still care about him but you want to see what else is out there.

[SilverCloud]

If my gf wanted to breakup with me, i would want her to make the effort. So she should have to take the time, drive to my place and sit me down for a talk. I would want her to do this ASAP so i wouldnt want to feel like i was strung along for the ride.

 

Ok from personal experience i knew i was being strung along. Now he was doing it to not be lonely over the holidays, but you dont even have that excuse.

 

I would have liked to know the day he made the decision. Most of the time the dumpee can already tell something is up. Dont delay it, it only adds to the pain.

 

And if you will have the time for him when he comes over then why not you go see him instead and tell him straight on. Trust me honesty is very much appriecated even when the pain of being dumped is like a stab to the chest.

[bobo85]

Remember that if you don't choose a time to tell him, time is going to chose you.

[RayKay]

My opinion is you SHOULD do it in person, because you do see each other, and are not exclusively an LDR.

 

However, there is no way he should drive to you to be dumped, because people not only are an emotional wreck after things like that, but they are also prone to doing stupid things.

 

It should be done in an environment comfortable for him and won't require him to drive home upset/angry/sad/depressed.

 

I would cancel him coming this weekend honestly, and either arrange to go there, or go there the following week. If it is only an hour away, I think maybe you should try and arrange to do it before May 1st....if you have already been mulling it over for months it is way past due as is.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree with KellBell and RayKay. Don't make him drive to you to get dumped.

 

I think you should call him and cancel or reschedule or plan a visit to him. But either way, don't make him think everything is fine one minute longer.

 

Tell him you need to talk to him and that you prefer a face to face. Chances are he'll get the hint and ask you to tell him immediately. Then you can decided if you want to tell him over the phone or wait for an in person talk.

 

But give him a heads up at least

[thebrig]

thanks everyone, I agree with all your comments, and I really wasn't comfortable with letting him come here this weekend to do that. I'm putting things on hold and planning a trip home for Friday. I'm getting my ticket tomorrow.