I'm miserable in my marriage

[smileyej]

I stumbled accross this website tonight while trying to find some guidance on the internet. I figured I would see what people say.

 

I think the title sums it up. I'm not happy, and I'm not sure there is any way for me to be happy in my marriage. My wife actually admitted to me the other night that she doesn't trust me. Why, you might ask? Because she has been betrayed by men in the past. She's been cheated on, sexually abused, raped. Now, when we were first dating she told me she had spent years in counseling and had worked through her issues. Of course, little did I know she had this trust thing that wasn't worked out. So, what does it mean when I say she doesn't trust me? She cannot trust me alone with another woman. Nor can she trust me in a situation where I could potentially be alone with another woman. So, if you think about that for a second, the potential to be alone with another woman is quite a few situations, isn't it? I can't go to any work related event because of this. I can't do things I used to do before I met my wife because of this. I pretty much get to go to work, and then I get to go home. Of course, she tells me that she loves me, but how is it possible to love someone that you don't trust? I've never cheated on my wife, or any female I was involved in for that matter. But somehow, I'm supposed to stay in this relationship?

 

She regularly tells me that I'm dishonest. As an example, I didn't tell her that I didn't feel well last night, but I came out of my room (yes, we have separate rooms) and ate with her. I didn't complement her on her cooking, I simply asked her what kind of pasta it was. I only ate half of the meal, and then sat back while she finished hers. She queried me as to if I was going to eat any more and I told her I would have a bit more. She asked me if I like the noodles, and I said that was why I asked her what kind it was. She got mad at me because she had no way of knowing that I liked the pasta and she certainly coudn't infer that from my comment. As I was cleaning up after dinner, I asked her if she wanted dessert, which she made it a point not to answer. She simply stared at me, and then after 30 seconds or so, got up and left the table without saying a word.

 

An hour or so later, she then wanted to watch a movie that we have watched 4 times in the last week, at which point I said I had a headache and didn't want to watch it. She assumed i was pissed off at her and proceeded to turn the movie off and go to her room, shut the door and go to bed.

 

The next morning we have this long discussion about me not answering her question about if I was going to have any more pasta. She then tells me that I'm dishonest because I didn't tell her that I had a headache and didn't feel well.

 

This is a regular occurrence. In her eyes, I'm a dishonest person, and she is regularly letting me know that.

 

Now, here's the really strange thing. I'm such a dishonest person (insert sarcasm here) that she insisted I see a counselor, which I've been doing. My counselor tells me that he doesn't think I'm a dishonest person at all. In fact, he has asked me if there is something else we need to spend our time talking about because he doesn't think we need to talk about being honest.

 

Sorry for the long winded story here, but geez, I could go on for pages and pages. I can't see myself staying in this marriage without some major changes. We haven't even been married for two years at this point, we have no kids. There isn't much keeping me here. I can't reason with her on a mental/emotional level. I'm just not smart enough that way. She has a degree in psych and her dad is a psychiatrist, so she has spent most of her life dealing with these type of things. It's gotten to a point where I feel that she is just manipulating me to get what she wants, which is me, stuffed into a corner feeling completely and totally inadequate about myself. Tonight she walked into my room and told me that I could start biking in to work like I used to do(I stopped because she wanted to jog with me after work, which we have never done) I said "aren't we going to jog?" and she says, "no." I say, "why not?" She says, "because you don't love me." and then walks out.

 

Am I crazy here or does my wife need some counseling? Maybe we both should get some marriage counseling? I love her, but I'm done being a doormat.

[CluelessGuy321]

There are a lot of issues here.

 

I think you BOTH need marriage councelling to sort this all out. Your wife may also need to look into "Cognetive Behavioral Therapy" to work through some of her self-esteem and trust issues.

[shyanne]

she is the one that needs help.

[vesper]

I apologize in advance but misery loves company.

 

I suggest you both go to counceling together.

[coollady1957]

Some kind of marriage counseling is surely in order if you are to make this work.

[RandomAdvisor]

Yes, you two definitly need some marital counseling and she certainly needs to go to counseling alone. I dont' think you do. She should go twice a week.

[KweenofDenyl]

Wow. She's really quite passive-aggressive. If she doesn't want to join you in counseling, don't expect her to change her behavior. And changing that type of behavior/mind set is no small task and may not happen even if she says it will.

[Shadows Light]

HOLY COW... .you are NOT crazy.

 

No no no no no... its crazy making.. but you are NOT crazy.

 

I agree with a previous poster.. passive-aggressive behavior on her part, controlling, manipulative, yeah you called it right. Trust your gut. and Projecting.

 

YOU need to set some boundaries here and quit letting her push past YOUR boundaries. She seems like she's calling all the shots.

 

I do think Marriage counseling is in order... and she definitely needs counseling.

 

You shouldn't be this unhappy.. and it shouldn't feel like you are walking on egg shells with her.

 

For petes sake.. getting into a tizzy over noodles, pasta .. it was just a question.. whats the big deal????

 

And...you not feeling well and having a head-ache. WWWWHHHATTTT??? are you not allowed to say.. "I do not feel well. I have a head ache".... orrrrr do you have to announce the status of your bodily functions or aches and pains on a moment by moment basis else you get called a LIAR??? What was the lie?? the dishonesty?? I don't see her LOGIC.

 

Do YOU??? Do you see the logic in her argument??? or are you walking on eggshells to try to please her??

 

Don't second guess yourself here. You've said your conselor doesn't see and issue with HONESTY. OK... so have you discussed your wifes behavior with your counselor and how it makes you feel?? and asked WHAT you should do about it.. or approach her with how you are feeling right now??

 

You're not crazy. Its crazy making.

[peruna99]

Well there is always two sides to every story. I feel for you but think if you want things to work out try marriage counseling together. I would suggest a doctor that neither of you know. Also try to take little steps rather than all the issues at once.

 

Does she know you are thinking this way and why?

[kenneth05]

There are a lot of issues here.

 

I think you BOTH need marriage councelling to sort this all out. Your wife may also need to look into "Cognetive Behavioral Therapy" to work through some of her self-esteem and trust issues.

 

No. Nothing wrong with you in this situation. I am in a similar situation. My wife blames every problem in our marriage on me. I went to a therapist and the therapist asked my why I continue to stay in the marriage. I still don't know, but think about it every day. I know everything is not my fault, but I can't bring myself to leave. There are children. I am now starting to think that leaving might actually be good for the children as the marriage is so broken. You don't need marriage counseling. Your wife needs help.

[RayKay]

She sounds very passive aggressive honestly, and manipulative. And I am very concerned that she has had you change your life around and lose your social connections and hobbies in order to cater to her trust issues.

 

I am also very intrigued that you also sleep in separate rooms. Are you still intimate? Sexual? Affectionate?

 

That is not healthy, and not in the least bit normal. Of course over time you are going to resent all that you sacrificed to keep her happy, and she will only expect more and more.

 

It is a clear sign she is manipulative if she demands you get counselling for yourself, but won't go herself...

 

I suggest as everyone else has had that you go to marital counselling, and she gets individual therapy.

[Memories]

I am in process of divorcing after 35 years. My husband spent a lot of years making me feel wrong about everything. I am seeing a therapist not becasue I needed help but to help me sort out my feelings about my husband and to make sure I had done all I could to salvage my marriage if possible. It wasn't worth saving at this point. Even with all that worked out I gave it one more chance. He didn't change even though he also went to therapy. Bottom line still caring about him was not the same as being in love with him. Know the difference.

 

You can not live your life afraikd of speaking or always trying not to do thigs that will upset her. I tried and tried and finally realised I needed to be happy not afraid all the time. It was not easy and I am still not happy yet, but at least I am at peace with myself and the world and I am not afraid any more.

 

Please take care of yourself you bdeserve no less

 

Good luck BE STRONG

[Daddy Bear]

I'm brand spankin' new to enotalone, but I have been through a similar experience to yours and thereforeeee feel fairly confident in offering my opinion. As I see it, you have three (lawful) options in dealing with your wife's morbid insecurity: get her to address it in counseling (I have heard of this behavior being overcome, but there are no guarantees); run like hell before you have kids; or stick your head in the sand like I did many long years ago and hope in vain that the situation will resolve itself. Obviously, I can't recommend this third course, and the fact that you are discussing the issue here indicates that you are better able to proactively deal with it than I was. Good luck to you both.

[concernedmi]

I am going through a similar situation. My first advice would be to run, not walk, to a divorce lawyer. I have kids, and it changes everything - I can't walk away so easily and probably won't. It sounds like she needs medication - when my wife was on prozac for three years for depression, everything in our marriage was much better. Before and the six months since she quit, it is a living hell.