Ex wants to reconcile... but with added drama

[gratefulpain]

Hello,

 

Quick summary.... 2 years living together... ugly ending...she got new BF one week after we broke up.. which simply crushed me...she call frequently but i dont answer or respond..... been doing 6 weeks strict NC.

 

Anyway.... I got caught off guard yesterday with stange number on cell phone ... so I answered it... it was her.... asking how I was doing...

 

It was akward.. she asked if I had a new GF I said no... then asked if I hated her ... I said no , theres no room in my heart for hatred I told her.... then she asked me if I still loved her.. i said yes but not in a bf/gf way.... she told me shes's been going through a tough time with a tough decision,,. right away I knew what it was....

 

shes pregnant... with rebound guys kid.... I did some quick math and that means the week we broke or second week,,, she must have got pregnant.... now she says he doesnt want the baby and he's a * * * * * hole bla bla... then she said she decided not to keep it...

 

then she says she misses me she was wrong.... she's doing the medical procedure this weekend...and if we could possible have dinner or lunch....

 

I asked her what would be the point in that..

she said I miss you and love you and want to get back together....

 

This whole situaiton makes me want to vomit.

I shared this with my family .. they told me to keep walking....

 

any comments welcome...

[melatonin]

I'm no expert, indeed I've been getting advice on a less serious version of the same thing from ENA. What I would suggest though, is that your 'gut' feeling (wantnig to vomit) is probably very telling.

 

She sounds like she needs affirmation and doesn't have the independence to stand on her own two feet for any length of time, hence the rebound to him and now the attempted rebound back to you. I would walk away. Horrible, difficult, bittersweet advice, but you'll end up stronger and happier in the long run.

[moondog627]

Wow man, that's quite a story. Sorry to hear about it. But I agree with your family. Probably best if you walk away. Sounds like she is simply using you as an emotional crutch. Don't know if I could play that role if I was in your shoes. Being there for someone as a friend is one thing. But having already gone thru the emotional exhaustion of a breakup is enough to deter anyone from getting involved in this current mess. Your ex is the only one responsible for the situation she's in. You're no less of a man if you walk away from this one. Good luck.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I have to agree with Melatonin. It does sound like she can't stand on her own and is coming to you for her to lean on. I'd follow your gut and your family's advice and just keep walking.

 

Don't be cruel though. Let your ex know that you're walking, don't keep her wondering. Maybe a "I'm sorry, but this never would have happened if you stayed with me. I need to heal now to get over you, that means that I can't be there for you. I do care for you and hope you come out of all this alright, but this is too much for me to get over." or something to that affect.

[BellaDonna]

I remember your story. I know you still care for her. It's up to you whether you want to be there for her during this time, as a friend. However- I don't think you should jump back into the relationship.

 

There are too many things that need to be worked out. She can't just expect to leave you- become pregnant by another man- and then expect you to take her back immediately during her moment of weakness.

 

You need to be sure that her wanting you back is genuine (and whether or not you actually want her back). You have to sure that she's not just using you as a temporary crutch.

 

As someone with a zero-tolerance policy, if it were ME, I'd just walk away as melatonin suggested. But there are others who are more forgiving than I am, and I realize that. So if you are one of those forgiving persons, at the very most- be her friend for now- if you even can handle that. But I really don't think you should get back together at this time.

 

 

BellaDonna

[lgirl]

wow, what a mess! your family are right: keep walking.

 

i'm not surprised you feel so sick about things. the best thing you can do is focus on healing. she just wants to use you as an emotional crutch. she sounds weak and weak people are dangerous. the bottom line is, she made her bed, now let her lie in it. she should have stayed with you - instead she's coiming to you b/c she can't face the mess she made on her own.

 

you deserve better than that. stay strong - you are better off without her.

[jl301]

I think your family is right and that you need to walk away from this one. There is just too much drama for you to deal with. I'm not as forgiving as others on the forum, but for her to get new bf after you guys break for a week and then get pregant by him. It just speaks volumes in my head. "Action speaks louder than words" Good luck with all this, I know it will be very difficult to deal with.

[Bingo72]

Oh -My -God. Don't take her back, she's damaged goods now. This is the kind of stuff that cannot be changed or taken back. Remember how bad you felt when you found out she got a new boyfriend within a week? Well this will be a different kind of pain, if you allow her back all you will think about is who's had their hands on her, that she only turned to you when he no longer wanted her, etc. I think you deserve better, someone who can be clean in your eyes again, not dirtied up like this one is. Like I said, damaged goods now.

[Süsser Tod]

Keep walking???

 

No, that would be a mistake. Run away as fast as you can!!!

[gratefulpain]

Fides that was kind of a bummer statement. I know you mean well... I never viewed her as damaged goodsor will ..... she used to mean the world to me... I used to cry for her to come back and pray... but now its different.... she played me ... and hard as it may be I couldnt take her back I guess... I'm not sure even if friendship would be all that healthy either... just confused I guess....

I feel like theres just too much to overcome.... I think by taking her back I send a message thats says "play me I'm a sucker"

 

it hurts because... although most wont admit they secretly want their ex back..the love they sued to know.... perhaps its my mind playing tricks or some unrealistic fantasy to "make it like it was"

 

I prayed she would come back.......but not like this.....

 

 

;-(

[melatonin]

The feeling that you want to be sick is interesting. Why do you think that happened?

 

I'm the kind of person whose emotions tend to manifest themselves in an acutely physical manner, one of which is upset stomachs. I once had a girlfriend who sent me a gorgeous photo of herself over MSN and I got so worked up over it (because I knew the relationship was ending and I couldn't imagine not being with this beautiful creature) that I had to leave the room and throw up.

 

It's an indication of a hugely upset subconscious, I don't think you can really have a relationship of any kind if you're not calm and level-headed. After a little while, these violent reactions will lessen, and maybe then you can consider taking it forward. I would stick to doing things that will get your confidence back up, to allow you to deal with such difficult 'revelations' again - your wanting to vomit is, I suspect, a reaction by your already weakened soul and body against being put through the mill any more. Until you're strong again, it's not a good idea to take the risk. Good luck!

[newbie30]

I'm with melatonin on this one. I know you still have feelings for her, but it sounds like Karma finally caught up with her and MAN, was he pissed. Walk away from it all. Let her handle this on her own, and don't be her crutch. It might actually make her a better person in the long run; to see that you aren't always going to be there for her when she screws up. Maybe in six months you can give her a call and see if the situation (that you removed yourself from) has made her a better person.

[Bingo72]

I didn't mean it to sound as bad as it did. My thinking was this: would you want her back, after she's broken that bond you and her had? From my own recent experience, I don't want someone back after they've gone out and tested the waters with another person, no matter if it was the sexual attraction factor or not. I truly believe that once the other person enters that territory that they cannot possibly love you 100%, and why would you deserve any less from her than that? You also have to wonder what kind of bombshell she's willing to drop on you next time if you were to take it back. Sorry if I sound too harsh but I've experienced this twice now with the last two relationships and I was the dumb one that kept letting all the drama into my life. I just decided that I am not going to let a person like that take the rest of my youth from me by always chosing to leave me only to find out that what they left me for wasn't to great. Things will never be the same again.

[Nathalie1970]

Grateful,

 

I have to agree with every single thing said by everybody on this thread. She does not want to be alone, and now that the guy she was seeing is bailing because she is pregnant, she is running to you. Would she be asking for you back if he wanted the baby?? My guess is no.

 

I would tell her that you will always care for her, but you cannot be her friend right now, she has hurt you too much for that to be possible. I would explain to her that you wish her well and hope all goes well with the procedure this weekend, but you do not want to hear from her and if the day comes that you feel that you can be friends, you will call her.

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling the way you do right now, but know this, you have heard the worst, it can only get better. Good luck and keep us posted

[melatonin]

I was thinking about what Natalie said, and I think she's right. Your ex saw how upset you were when you broke up, so the natural inclination for her is to believe that you wanted back with her. Now that her new boyfriend has gone, she is going to attempt the path of least resistance - which is getting back with the guy she believes wants back with her.

 

I feel for her, actually - but she's obviously got serious issues with independence and desperately needs to find her own footing in life. That's not your responsibility, however, and you should move on, I think. Look after #1!

[justmoi]

So sorry you are going through this challenging time.

You seem like such a sweety for even having 'taking her back' as an option.

 

U know what she made her bed, she is an adult she made her own choices , now she has to lay in it.

 

Ok u still feel very deeply for her.

I would say do the friend thing....but not toooo much of it.

Dont go rushing back with your arms open full of love and comfort....Coz that COULD be ONLY what she wants.

Limit the friends thing ,she should count herself lucky your letting her back into you life.

Do everthing on your terms,make her work at a friendship first, obviously dont tell her this but dont except antyhing less then you deserve..

 

Ull see through her actions if shes for real and wether or not you would like her to get as close again.

Everything will have to be brand new for you.

Im just giving this as an option.

 

or

You could just walk away just as much as challanging because you love her.

I dont think theres a wrong or right way to handle this coz it could go either way.

 

Atleast if u just went with your heart ,which im guessin is that ' you do want her back '

If things dont go as planned atleast you know you gave it your best and youl'll have no regrets you can then walk away knowing that you did your best by this person.

 

You say u prayed for her to come back...did you also pray for strength too to help you get through?

Maybe her coming back into your life is a test of your strength and this situation will give you strenth.

 

Try and look at this as a positive thing what ever way you go i think you will end up a much stronger person for it.

 

Ok ive babbled too much , i tried to make it make sense..lol not sure if i did though.

 

Takecare of YOU!

[shyanne]

your family gave very good advice,

[Orlander]

This is a potential mess. I see no positive side to being with her at this time. I think its time to politely and gracefully part ways for good.

 

So, are we correct in understanding that she is getting an abortion?

[gratefulpain]

She said its scheduled for this weekend, she paid the down payment (not an expert on that topic)

 

I think her family agrees its not a good idea to keep.

The problem is i shouldnt care...although it is a life changing event and pretty traumatic for a woman to even decide that sort of thing....

 

she called yesterday I answered (not sure why) she acted as if we never broke up, chit chatting asking to borrow soemthing etc. etc...

,,, get caught up see how each is doing.. but im not into getting back together the wounds are too fresh.....

 

I told her perhaps sometime in the futire we could walk the dog.but I suspect she's still too immature for that.

I told her I loved her and probably always will. then she said "then why wont you take me back"

 

I told her alot has happened, that her being with that other guy so soon was too much "get past".... she replied "we were broke up so I never cheated or anything" and plus havent you been with someone.. I told her no... she said yeah right....

 

then she started arguing... asking me why i stopped paying attention to her toward the end of the relaitonship etc. etc... then saying its all my fault..... I was the * * * * hole in all this.... that I need to blame myself... etc etc...

then she hung up....

I turned my phone off.....I left my house for a couple hours just in case she drove over in a huff...

 

I was doing so good everybody...how can someone effect me in such a way.... this is terrible... I feel like it happened yesterday....

 

the stament that keeps me strong is "if it had of worked out with that dude,, would she be calling me?" that really nails it... that makes me feel like second best... or better than nothing plan B

[Pikey1972]

gratefulpain, I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you - you did right to leave the house for a couple of hours. How are you doing now?

 

Hang on in there - we're here for you,

 

Pikey

[moondog627]

You got it man. She wouldn't be contacting you if the other guy was still in the picture. You're just a runner-up. There's way too many issues involved with this girl. Cut your losses now and remove yourself from the situation.

[lgirl]

the fact is she WOULD NOT even have looked in your direction if her 'guy' had not already dumped her for getting pregnant (sounds like they deserve each other!!). remember that. actions speak louder than words. perosnally i think it was very off for her to get with him so soon after you broke up - has she no depth of feeling? i would take that as she couldn't have cared that deeply for you or she would have shown some respect and at least let some time pass first. but she didn't. you ARE her Plan B, and you deserve better than that as you know.

 

trust your instincts - read back what you have written here. your body is telling you the situation is not on. you find her immature. she sounds like a liability and will only drag you down with her b/c she is the victim in all of this, as far as she's concerned and victims never consider anyone else's feelings. that's why she got angry with you - b/c you talked about your feelings, but she doesn't want to know. she just wants to know you feel sorry for her and will help her - if not you, then someone else. watch and see.

 

i know this is incredibly painful for you, and i think deep down you know all the answers (ie keep walking), but you are just feeling too bruised to come to any decisions. her behaviour has been a shock to you. but that's okay. you will. once you get over the huge disappointment you feel in her as a person + the shabby way she's treated you, you will make sure you don't wind up as 2nd best (with her or anyone else).

 

stay strong. it's HER loss, truly.