help!

[pianist]

Hi, I don't know if anyone can help me but I am in a real mess.

 

My on-off long distance boyfriend hacked into my email account and found out I had had a fling with one guy, and dated a few others when we were apart. He has told his family and they won't speak to me, and he refused to speak to me. We met up to talk but when he asked me about one email and I couldn't remember, he just got angry, said I was lying and drove off, saying he wouldn't speak to me again. I am very hurt as I feel like it is down to mend it. I flew to his town to try and sort things out but have been in a hotel since I arrived, alone here. It is so far from what we had, it is very sad. He thinks it was all my fault and that I cheated, he also found diary-type emails with all my feelings in them, and thinks I was lying to him and using him all along. I didn't tell him anything as I didn't want to lose him, plus I find it hard to talk to him. He doesn't see it but he is very accusing and ver y negative towards me. I want to face my guilt and make it right, but I also feel like he pushed me away, and I have feelings too in this which are not being acknowledged. I am very unhappy, any advice?

[calgaryguy]

Ok first off it is creepy that he would do that, and shows he didnt have much trust in you. Second if you were apart then it doesnt matter who you were with, its none of his business. Third, why wont his family speak to you? youre dating him not the family, they shouldnt be mad.

 

I dont think you did anything wrong personally.

[calgaryguy]

BTW , welcome to the site

[NW Homey]

I say get on with your life and forget this guy. He should not be haking into anybodies accounts for anything and could probably get into trouble for doing it. I won't push it though. If these things happened when you weren't on with each other he has no right to be giving you a bad time about it. Look for some one who isn't a hothead and that suits your disposition better. If you can't talk you can't have a relationship. Why were on/off so much anyway. That in itself could tell it's own story. Think about it. Let him go, move on and be happy you aren't with him anymore.

[lgirl]

sounds like you made him feel pretty insecure that he would hack into your account. you must have got him suspicious.

 

you are the one at fault here - you CHEATED and lied to him. how else would he react?

[Laughing Sam]

you are the one at fault here - you CHEATED and lied to him. how else would he react?

 

Igirl i think you are being really harsh, pianist has given her side of the story so we can only take it from one angle, but the guy sounds like a creep. I agree that you should draw a line in the sand and move on. But a lesson learnt, don't let others know the passwords to your E-mail accounts.

[lgirl]

maybe, but the situation is all of her doing: she sounds like she's complaining when she needs to take responsibility for her actions instead of playing the victim. not only does she not let this guy know where he stands, but when he asks her, she "can't remember" stuff and she wonders why her lax treatment of him has made him to want to talk to her. this guy is obviously very hurt, hence his behaviour - that's down to her - she has done nothing to put his mind at rest or make things clearer and she wonders why it's all a mess...

[southerngirl]

I think your being rather harsh. What if they really are sitting in a hotel room all alone and have come here looking for support and help.

 

The best thing you can do in giving advice is to take it at face value and take it for truth. Why would they come here and lie?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Pianist. Hoping for some clarification. You said you had a fling with one guy and dated a few others when you were apart. The few others when you were apart is really none of his business, you were apart. But the fling.. I'm wondering, to me that almost sounds like you two were together when that happened. Am I wrong?

 

Regardless, the only thing you can do now to get your BF back is to be completely 100% upfront and honest about absolutely everything, and not just now, for a VERY long time in the future. Cheaters (if that is the case here) don't have the luxury of having privacy after they're caught. I'm sorry to say though that I don't think it's going to work out, simply because you're in a long distance relationship with him. The require a tremendous amount of trust and if he thinks that trust is broken, being a long way away and out of sight all the time will make it impossible for him to trust you.

 

As for the other guys you dated. This is the reason I always believe in being 100% honest and upfront with anyone I date. If you thought you would lose him for the things you did when you were apart, you really shouldn't have done them. Especially since I get the impression that you were trying to get back together with him while you were seeing these other guys. Take it as a lesson learned.

 

I hope things work out for you. Remember, honesty really is the best policy. A person with nothing to hide... Hides nothing..

[sddeaston]

Wow. Stupid females. Ok. So you cheated on him, his family found out, and you are unhappy. Wow, seems like it may be correlated...? Best thing for you: who cares. Best thing for him: don't let him forgive you, especially if you love him to death. You do not deserve him. In the end, you ARE absolutely at fault for cheating on him, I don't care how bad he was to you. If its bad, then get out of the relationship, stupid. He does not (especially from a distance) have control over you (obviously...of course you cant even control yourself). Just get out of his life so he can find someone who is worth his time, because you.....are DEFINITELY not worth his time, or worth any other guys time. Have a horrible day

[newbie30]

Jesus. You need to relax, sddeaston. First of all, if you read what she wrote properly, it's clear they weren't together when she was with the other guys.

 

...and found out I had had a fling with one guy, and dated a few others when we were apart...He thinks it was all my fault and that I cheated,

 

Secondly, people come here for advice, not to be berated by people who can't read.

[Mavh25]

Hiya, just wondering, be completely honest, did you actually cheat?

I think alot of flattering and buttering up should come into play here.

 

Maybe you should do something very over the top to get his attention.

 

He is not going to turn you away if you try, what is the reason you are in the hotel right now? have you even called him?

[yeawutever]

Wow. Stupid females. Ok. So you cheated on him, his family found out, and you are unhappy. Wow, seems like it may be correlated...? Best thing for you: who cares. Best thing for him: don't let him forgive you, especially if you love him to death. You do not deserve him. In the end, you ARE absolutely at fault for cheating on him, I don't care how bad he was to you. If its bad, then get out of the relationship, stupid. He does not (especially from a distance) have control over you (obviously...of course you cant even control yourself). Just get out of his life so he can find someone who is worth his time, because you.....are DEFINITELY not worth his time, or worth any other guys time. Have a horrible day

 

Very offensive don't you think, she's here for advice. And no, it's not his business hacking into her account, it's call invasion of privacy. In fact if a guy were to do this to me, I would want to break up right away. As for the family, it's between you and him, not the family. You dated few guys while you guys were apart thereforeeee, it isn't his business, you guys were apart. But for the fling, well that you would have to explain it to him, clearly.

sddeaton, yea stupid females, LOL

Thanx, but stupid your mother, yea, haha, maybe you were burned before in the past.

Now back to whomever this post belongs to (sorry forgot ur name), did you really cheated or went a little off with the so called "Fling"?? If so, then you would need to be honest with him, not the family, they got nothing to do with this. Two wrongs (you possible cheating with fling) and him looking into your account don't make a right. Sounds like he was having suspicious way before, he should have talk about it and not look into your account, and yes he can get in serious trouble for that, that's a felony.

[RandomAdvisor]

This post is in the infidelity forum, so I'm assuming that by "when we were apart" the OP means they were a couple, but in some sort of a long distance relationship situation at the time. So the fling would more accurately and bluntly be described as cheating. Or perhaps they were broken up at the time, in which case I still think they need to stay away from each other.

 

Igirl may be a little harsh, but that doesn't necessarily mean what she's saying isn't true.

 

To the OP: Igirl may say it harshly, but you do need to accept responsibility for your actions and stop playing the victim. No one forced you to cheat. It was a choice you made (repeatedly) and now you're paying the price. How would you feel if you were faithful to him and came to find out he'd cheated on you numerous times? Cheating is never worth it, and I think you've learned that now the hard way. I don't think this guy is going to take you back after what you did to him, and you're wasting time and energy trying to win him back that should be better spent examining why you chose to cheat in the first place, so you don't do it again in the future. You should respect his decision not to speak to you.

 

On the other hand, if this whole thing is over relationships you had with other people while you and him were broken up, then he is a totally irrational and jealous jerk and you should be glad you're rid of him...

[fishrrshortae]

doesnt sound like the relationship is worth it regardless of the "cheating" (if it WAS cheating.. i'm totally confused about that). Chalk it up to a crappy experience and walk away guilt free.

[Mavh25]

May i just say i have also been the hacker in this situation, and with all due to respect you MUST have given him a reason.. otherwise it just wouldnt of happened

[WildChild]

I am gathering she believed they were on a break in her definition. Maybe his definition was that they were on a break but wasn't going to see anyone else.

 

I agree that he must have had some reason to be snooping though. Sometimes guilt comes out in all forms, and you may have been acting differently and that rose a suspicion in him.

 

You say that he is controlling and cuts you down, and you are sad that it is over? Or are you sad that you didn't have a chance to explain yourself before it actually ended. Think deeply. Why? Because no matter what the definition of why you two took a break when you had the fling and saw other people, if your bf was truly someone you were happy with and just needed time for you and he to think about things, there would have been no fling nor dates with anyone else

[tylercdurden2004]

You made your bed now its time to lie down.