Letter to the ex

[lonely days]

This is a letter I am writing to my ex and i would love some feedback if possible. i know i should not send it but i feel I need to gets somethings of my chest in order to be at peace with myself. i am not trying to get her back but iam trying to leave the door open for that possibility. It may be a bit long so please bear with me.

 

Dear K...

 

I realize everytime we talk about the relationship I keep making things worse and upsetting both of us. I've taken tis break up badly and I feel i've pushed you further away as a result. Please don't hold it against me, i've never been in this situation before. It was our job to put love and happiness in each others lives and we have definitely not been doing that of late. We should be enhancing each others happiness not taking away from it. I do not want either of us to cause each other anymore pain.

 

I hope you realise that you are giving up on a funny, smart, loving and intensely caring and loyal person. I'm interested n everything this world has to offer and was more than willing to do my share of anything that needed to be done. I am definitely not perfect but I am a great guy who loves you for who you are and was willing to improve to make the relationship work.

 

I want you to know that i am proud of myself for not giving up on something I believed in and I am happy with the personal improvements I've made during this difficult time.

 

I understand that I have been very emotional and vulnerable and I have said alot of things to you out of pain. I've asked alot of questions and you've patiently given me alot of answers but all that has done is lead me to more questions. I am still very confused at many things. I know this has to stop and that the past is the past,

 

K... I honestly believe that you are running away from your problems and the guilt that you feel. I forgave you for what happened and was willing to improve but that was still not good enough for you.

 

I understand that you do not feel the same way about me but I really do think that those feelings could comeback if you were willing to try. The bond we shared for 5 years will always be there. All of the qualities that you fell in love with me for are still there and if we were to try again it would be alot better from all that we've learned. Alot has changed.

 

I've done everything possible to make things work, I offered to go to councilling, I flew back twice to try and work things out and you would not even meet me 1/10 of the way. I want you to think about what you are giving up. Sometimes people need to break up in order to learn from their mistakes and make the relationship stronger. I will not bring this up anymore in our future conversations. It's entirely up to you to try and work things out because i've done everything I can do and you've done nothing but flush 5 years of our lives down the toilet without putting forth any effort towards trying to fix the problems before giving up and that's a damn shame!

 

 

 

Just so you guys know this girl told me she wanted to be with me forever mere days before breaking up with me. I will find it hard to trust again especially her. Once again any feedback would be much appreciated. I am thinking about asking her tto listen to me read it to her so she can't show it to anyone else.

[ElektraHere]

I say don't send it. What do you think you will accomplish by sending this to her?

Are you hoping that she will feel guilty and want to come back to you? Are you hoping that she will all of a sudden change her mind?

Are you trying to tell her you worked harder for the both of you then she did?

 

I think she has moved on and it is sad and I feel for you but you will not get the positive reaction you would love to get. You will either get no response which will leave you wondering even more. Or she will tell you again that it is over and that you need to move on.

 

You did what you thought would help the relationship and it was all one sided and now you need to take all that energy and focus it on yourself.

[NR498E]

I'm sure most people here are going to tell you not to send the letter and go strictly into No Contact.I think alot of the time people spit that out almost like a reflex.

I think that if you are ready to give up on this relationship and by sending this letter you will sleep better at night then send it.

I've always been a big fan of writing heartfelt letter's.I always like to write love letters or cheesey poems to me girlfriends.When my last ex dumped me I wrote her a couple letter's.At the time I was thinking just like you are right now.I thought there was just some things I had to say and that maybe she would see what she was doing wrong.None of it made a diffrence now I wish I didn't send her anything it just made me look weak.

I say don't send the letter take it from someone who has been there.Nothing you have to say matter's anymore and to be honest I'd be surprised if she even really cares.

If you have any hope's of getting this girl back the best thing you can do is leave her alone.A letter isnt going to make any diffrence in anyway,shape or form.It might make you feel better a minute but your going to regret it.

Trust me I've been there...........

[b8s]

hey i wrote a letter two and it helped me prepare to move on we are talking now a little.it cleared the air and it gave me the chance to say everything i wanted so that in a few months or in my next relationship i will never wonder what if i just tried one more time or did this???? i did my best and i will never say to myself i didnt try!! i would take out the part about her running from her problems the last thing she will want to hear is you saying what she needs to do.

[lonely days]

I appreciate your feedback and i do not expect a positive response whatsoever i just wanted to get some things off my chest and i feel I have nothing to lose by saying any of it. The wounds are still fresh even though it's been a few months so I want to say these things now so i can move forward with my life. And yes I am trying to tell her that i worked hard for what we had because I believe that you try and fix the problems before giving up so in a way she should feel guilty I know I would if the shoe was on the other foot.

[b8s]

it made me feel better about moving on. it's different for everyone and you know how your ex would react best. as long as your doing this for yourself and not to get a responce i say go for it!

[lonely days]

I am totally doing it for myself and I do not even expect a response at all. I just want her to know where i am coming from and how disappointed I am in how things turned out. I have been to nice to her since the breakup and held back from telling her how I really feel so if this upsets her then so be it.

[ElektraHere]

It does help to write it out. I do the same thing and I have also sent long heartfelt letters. It got me nothing in return but wondering. I say write them out and either post them here or burn them. It might be very cathartic for you.

[NR498E]

she should feel guilty

 

Yea she should...and she probably does to some degree.

The reality of it is she has moved on and whatever she did that she should feel guilty about is already old news to her.Usually by now whatever she did to hurt you she has already justified in her mind one way or another.

My point is she hurt you what she did to you probably wasnt justified but nothing you do is going to make any diffrenence in her mind.It's over buddy just let it go.

Im sorry and really feel for you.If you really want to do something for yourself don't send it.

It is hard for me to explain all this but trust me.Don't send it.In a couple months you will understand why.

[lonely days]

The things is i have to talk to her tomorrow in order to tie up loose ends such as bills and car insurance and part of the mortgage for the house, so I am thinking about asking her to listen to me for 2 minutes while I speak my peace and then once eveything is sorted out I am back to N.C.... What do think

[melrich]

If it makes you feel better send it. But then be true to your word and leave it at that and try not to have any expectations about a response.

 

The content is fine.

[NR498E]

NO..NO..NO.....

When you see her tommaro you got to put on a show.

Smile,be happy and carefree.Don't by no means say anything negative or about what happened in general.Be up beat and nonsholant.

In all honesty I think you should put off seeing her as long as possible.You need to take sometime to do a little research on the do's and don't's of ex bf/gf relationships.

[lonely days]

Andy, I totally respect everything that you are saying. Everything that has to be addressed will be done over the phone. It will not be a light conversation due to the fact that she is going to take a severe financial hit due to our shared home and the money I am saving her with the car insurance that will be no longer after tomorrow. She may even have to sell the house in order for her to give me back my investment which she really does not want to do. I feel bad but I have to look after my own interests so i can be clear of this whole mess.

[NR498E]

If you have to talk business than talk business.But be as positive as you can about all this.I don't feel sorry for her this is her choice.Her finacial obligations to you are going to make things a little complicated but that does not change the way you should act towards her.

Any thing you have to say about the relationship is not what she is going to want to hear.

If you have any desire what so ever to be with this woman than please heed my advice.Be positive and cool don't make it more akward than it has to be.This "peace" you have to say is more than likley just going to make her uncomfortable.That will get you no where.

Just try and be the man she fell in love with.

[shyanne]

sounds like you really care a lot for her and want her back, so send the letter or read it to her.

 

I will find it hard to trust again especially her.

 

however, before you do so.... you need to decide if you can fully trust her. the relationship won't work if there's no trust on your part.. you'll just end up causing more pain for you both.. think about the trust part again, then decide what you want to do.

[blender]

You have to honestly ask yourself, WHY do I want to tell her these things, and HOW will I feel afterwards? Will you honestly feel better? I have done your same speech before and I've found it was very difficult for me after I "let go" of my feelings on paper to someone who might or might not truly want to even understand them with an open heart... It is a wonderful thing that you did write this all out but if you can't tell her how you feel in two or three sentences, you will lose her "ear".

 

Try telling YOURSELF how you feel and how you will feel after putting your emotions out there, I find it hard to believe (at least for myself) that if I sent a letter like yours, that I would do so WITHOUT some "expectation" attached... and if you have even the slightest expectation to MAKE HER FEEL something, ANYTHING, then do NOT send it. ONLY do what is best for you, and NOT so you can make her feel or think or do something, if you can honestly answer that you do NOT care what she thinks about what you write or that it doesn't matter how she resonds, then WHY would you send it all....

 

it's too risky for your own heart, unless you HONESTLY do NOT care what she thinks... but I think you do.. so for your BEST interest, keep your feelings to yourself and wait till you are a bit 'stronger" and then write down how you feel, email it to YOURSELF and wait 24 hours, read it, and then re-write it again... this is theraputic and will give you more "focus" with logic and heart combined... please try this first... we are all here for you..

[majord23]

lonely days

 

Only you know why you are sending the letter. You can say that you are doing it without the hope of a reaction and only you know if that is true.

 

However, If you ARE sending it in order to increase your chances of getting back together then you have to change that letter BIG time - That letter will push her away further....guaranteed.

 

If you want to know why, I'll tell you - just ask.

If you aren't after a reaction from her and just won't closure then by all means send that letter - because closure is just what you'll get.

[lonely days]

O.K. majord, you've peaked my interest, please tell me how I can get my points accross without pushing her further away then she already is and hopefully a little advice to bring her a little closer and get her to open up to me again. I really don't think there is another chance for her and i but i would love to know what to do in order to keep the door open.

[majord23]

O.K. majord, you've peaked my interest, please tell me how I can get my points accross without pushing her further away then she already is and hopefully a little advice to bring her a little closer and get her to open up to me again. I really don't think there is another chance for her and i but i would love to know what to do in order to keep the door open.

 

Hey lonely,

Well I may not necessarily be able to tell you what will draw her closer to you but I can certainly tell you what you’ve written that will push her away.

 

First and foremost

 

You said: We should be enhancing each others happiness not taking away from it. I do not want either of us to cause each other anymore pain.

 

BUT you then spend the rest of the letter doing just that – causing her pain. You tell her the mistake she is making, the action that she refused to take and that you think she is ”running away from your problems”

 

Straight away you have put her on the back foot – she will be defensive, and will not take any of that in. No-one likes to be criticised, and even if they know they’re wrong, they will defend their decisions if they feel ‘attacked’.

 

You said: I hope you realise that you are giving up on a funny, smart, loving and intensely caring and loyal person. I'm interested n everything this world has to offer and was more than willing to do my share of anything that needed to be done. I am definitely not perfect but I am a great guy who loves you for who you are and was willing to improve to make the relationship work.

 

There is no point telling her what a great guy you are – after being with you, she should know that. Don’t remind her bro. It will come accross as one of two ways – arrogant, or insecure. It either says “You can’t do better than me” or “I want you to validate what I am saying”. Neither is attractive and neither will make her reconsider her decision.

 

 

The theme of the letter, in a nutshell, is saying: “Let’s stop fighting - I’m a nice guy. You're flushing our relationship down the toilet - I was willing to do anything to make the relationship work, but you weren’t willing to put in any effort in. I know you don’t feel the same for me, but if you give me a chance I will prove to you that I am right and you are wrong. You don’t know what is good for you, but I think I know what is good for you.”

 

Read your letter, and tell me what you’ve said in it that I haven’t said in the synopsis above.

Would you be drawn closer to someone who had sent you that?

You are trying to battle her emotions with logic – and emotions will win every time. I have a good female friend, we have been close for 6 years. People always ask why we aren’t together….and I haven’t got a decent argument against it. We get along great, we are compatible and we spend lots of time together. BUT there are no feelings other than friendship from both our perspectives. *Logically* we are a great match – but emotionally it’s just not there…and no matter how much someone might tell me (or how much I tell myself) that it makes sense for us to be together….it isn’t going to happen.

 

To draw her closer, you need to follow up on your initial statement: We should be enhancing each others happiness

 

In your letter, apologise for anything that YOU have done for the break-down of the relationship and any bad behaviour you have displayed after the break-up. DO NOT point out what she has done. Don’t make her feel guilty…or imply that she should feel guilty.

By all means, reflect on the good times that you had, and tell her how much you miss those times but also support her decision to end the relationship: “It’s taken me a while, but I have come to realise that because of the way you feel, us breaking up was probably for the best”.

Do NOT tell her that you would like to have another chance – she probably knows that anyway.

 

Once you have established that there is no animosity from your side, she will let her defences down – she won’t feel as though she is being ‘attacked’.

 

The rest of the letter is up to you – make jokes, poke fun at her, make light of the disagreements that you have been having: “I must have been going through the male equivalent of PMS.” Etc etc.

 

You have to send a letter that will make her feel better for having read it, not guilty – I cannot stress that enough…ESPECIALLY if you are seeking a chance with her in the future.

 

The letter you have drafted looks akin to a Trojan Horse – it starts off as something completely non-threatening but then degenerates into accusations – if you send it, it is just inviting her to fire back and defend herself.

[gratefulpain]

that letter was well thought out and heart felt.

 

dont send it.....

 

we're rootin for ya.....

[lonely days]

Thanks for the advice majord, it's well noted and I am seriously going to tone down the more accusatory parts of the letter and make some much needed improvements, If things don't work out i would rather leave on a good note as apposed to simply upsetting her more and validating her decision by attacking her.

[majord23]

If things don't work out i would rather leave on a good note as apposed to simply upsetting her more and validating her decision by attacking her.

 

No problem at all

 

I just re-read my own post and I hope I didn't come accross as being harsh lonely....it was long, and I guess I didn't pay too much attention as to how it would be perceived....sorry.

 

The part of your post I quoted above is spot on. Leave her with a good impression....people don't reconcile with those they have a bad impression of

[lonely days]

Your post was anything but harsh, so no worries, everybody needs a stiff dose of reality now and again. I don't really expect her reconcile but it is always good to leave that possibility open. I know of a few married couples that were broken up for a long time before they reconciled and got back together when they were dating.

[luvagain]

Lonely days,

 

I want you to know that my ex said the same thing. She told me she "wanted to be with me forever mere days before breaking up with me". And yes we will find it hard to trust again especially them. I still can't believe it happened to me and your letter is almost identical to the last email I wrote her. It brings tears to my eyes reading it because it's so familiar.

 

Sorry about your situation. I wish you the best.

[lonely days]

Luvagain, I know that sucks, how will we ever be comfortable in a relationship when something like that happens.

 

Majord, well I followed your advice and told her what i wanted to say but I did it over the phone. I could not believe how receptive she was to what i had to say, I still don't think that there is a real chance for reconcilliation but that may have kept the idea open in her mind. I can almost guarantee that by approaching her in the manner you suggested will have a positive impact in her mind. Thank you