A plan of action to rekindle lost love.

[byates5637]

What i wrote below i wrote from a man's perspective trying to get his ex girl back. I don't know if it would work for a girl trying to get her man back or not.

 

Let me first say, yes i did get my ex back after a 3 month breakup, even when it seemed totally hopeless. Everything was good for a while, but 6 months down the road she left me again. You may be best cutting your losses now instead of risking getting hurt a second time.

 

But if you insist on trying i will offer some advice.

First, if she is in a new relationship with a man that is filling all of her needs, it is best for you to back off and move on. If not, then maybe you have a chance.

 

 

There may be hope for you and her, and there might not be. If you are willing to take the risk, you have to be ready for the long haul. It is going to take alot of work on your part, so don't expect anything immediately.

 

First i suggest a short NC period. At least two more weeks with NC, preferebly try to do a few weeks or even a couple months. Don't contact her and dont allow her to contact you. You want to give the illusion that you are moving on. Allow her to see what life is like without your constant emotional support for her. Don't worry, she won't forget about you.

 

During your NC work on yourself. Try to do alot of interesting, exciting things, so when you do talk to her again you have fun stories to tell her. Start working out if you don't already. During this NC you HAVE to get your feelings and emotions under control. You have to be ready to accept that she may not come back, and that life will go on without her.

 

When you are ready to start communication again, it is really best if you wait for her to contact you. But if you can't wait, that is understandable too. Talk to her on the phone like you would of when you first started dating her. Keep it light, friendly and upbeat. Do not let the conversation last too long, and try to be the one to end it.

 

It is VERY important that when you start talking again you do NOT bring up any past relationship issues or talk about any type of future you two may have together. From this point on you do NOT want her to think that you want to get back together. You want to keep her wondering. Keep your emotions and feelings to yourself.

 

Try to wait for her to ask you to do something together. If you can't wait, then go ahead and ask her. I can't stress enough to not go drinking with her. It is nearly impossible to keep your emotions under wrap when you are drinking and it will probly screw everything up. I learned this the hard way.

 

Try to do something with her that you have never done together before. Something friends would do together. Going out for a walk in the park would be a good thing to try. Keep your first "hang out" short and friendly. It is very important that she has fun and does not have to deal with relationship issues. You want her mind to associate you with a good time, not stress.

 

After this do not contact her for several days again. Try and always wait for her to contact you, and don't be too available. If she calls and asks you to get together again(good sign), tell her you are busy and suggest another day when you will get together.

 

Let this go on for a few weeks and make sure you two always have a good time. Do not talk about the relationship. Try to only contact her once a week, twice at most, and let her do the rest of the contacting. Above all, don't contact her more then she contacts you.

 

You have to stay alert to the signals she sends. If after a few weeks she is obviously still not into you, disappear. Move on. get over it. But if you are getting good signals, then keep at it!

 

Eventualy start doing more "romantic" type things with her, like watching the sunset. But still keep it light, easy going, and friendly. Eventually you may reach a point where you feel she is totally into you. Then you ask her about her feelings towards you in a totally non-threatining way. Say something like "i feel like we have been connecting really good lately, what do you think?" Really listen to what she says, and whatever it is, take it as a man. Respect her feelings. Don't pressure and don't beg.

 

While doing all this it is very important for you to realize and admit if it just isn't working. Don't keep trying for something that is hopeless.

[renaissancewoman101]

I like your ideas a lot. Even though you wrote it from a guy's point of view, I could see it working from a girl's point of view, if she went and tried it on an ex.

 

Dating is a complicated mission, esp when it comes time to trying to get a guy/girl back. It becomes a study of reading emotions, plotting moves, watching to for the other's reactions and planning the next move based on that other's reactions. All real-time action. If you really want the person back then you have to go for it and put the effort into it, just like looking for a job, planning your next career move, etc.

[Boricua7]

I could definitely see this working for women too. I see is working so much so that I'm actually going to try it!

[crvers]

Yeah...my situation seems hopeless....seems to be worth a shot...even as long as it may be

[deejay74]

what if the last time you spoke to your ex thinking the convo wouldn't be bad for it to blow up into an argument where things were said on both parts that hurt and then the conversation basically ending up where the dumper says to the dumpee to never talk again? this happened to me, i was the dumpee and after the conversation i apologized to her on the phone and in an email the next morning.

 

in my case, i figured things are completely finished on all levels.

 

any suggestions besided the one i already know: give it time, like a long time (maybe months). and then try to contact her.

[Midgi]

It works for girls too. I did it... I guess for girls the key clue is. STOP NAGGING ;-) -thats what my ex used to say! I thought I was just standing up for myself ;-)

[Boricua7]

It works for girls too. I did it... I guess for girls the key clue is. STOP NAGGING ;-) -thats what my ex used to say! I thought I was just standing up for myself ;-)

 

See, that's how I felt! I really only ever picked small fights because I feel like if I let certain things go that I would be allowing them to continue happening. Hm...

[byates5637]

iwantherback - sorry to tell you what you already know. If she said she doesn't ever want to talk to you again you really should just back off and try to move on. Maybe contact her in a month or two to see if she changed her mind, but don't count on it.

[Boricua7]

what if the last time you spoke to your ex thinking the convo wouldn't be bad for it to blow up into an argument where things were said on both parts that hurt and then the conversation basically ending up where the dumper says to the dumpee to never talk again? this happened to me, i was the dumpee and after the conversation i apologized to her on the phone and in an email the next morning.

 

in my case, i figured things are completely finished on all levels.

 

any suggestions besided the one i already know: give it time, like a long time (maybe months). and then try to contact her.

 

It seems to me you pushed her to the point of no return. I might be wrong though. Give it a couple of months. Then contact her and see if she would like to get together strictly as friends. If she agrees, you need to do everything byates5637 says, ESPECIALLY not bringing up the past or a future you might have together. This would definitely scare her off and if you haven't pushed her to the point of no return yet, you will have then. If you get to the point where you can do what byates5637 posted, be patient. What he suggests you do will not happen in a few days or even weeks. Good luck!

[solo34]

Hey Screech, that was a very true and wonderful reply U put up there. It's just the truth...the person that did the dumping HAS 2 be the one 2 reach 4 the one they made the mistake of leaving.

 

It takes the dumper such bravery, etc. Sometimes though, I wonder if the dumper might be scared 2 reach 4 the one they left. Maybe sometimes the dumpee has 2 let them know that they still feel the same, or at least that they're willing 2 talk with the dumper?

 

-Solo34

[solo34]

Good post yet again.

 

-Solo34

[byates5637]

screechytires-

 

I know you cannot force someone to love you. But after a breakup your ex may only remember all the bad things that happened during the breakup. The ex will most likely focus on the reasons they left you as to help themselves move on, instead of thinking about the reasons they fell in love with you in the first place.

 

I feel that if you can remind your ex that you still are the person they fell in love with and not the crying wreck that they dumped, you may reawaken there feelings for you.

 

It worked for me...

[Boricua7]

Wow. I agree with the both of you.

 

screechyTires - Keep in mind though that if you want a second chance you have to be willing to give them out too. Don't you think that you would be doing to them what they did to you by not taking them back if their feelings were "reawakened"? They were weak and instead of working through things they took the easy way out and dumped you. So you're going to leave them sitting in the dark because they were weak when this is something you are mad at them for doing to you? People make mistakes. "Too err is human, to forgive divine". At some point one of you is going to have to let it go, forgive the other, and move on. Who will be the bigger person?

 

byates5637 - I think you're right. Sometimes people get so upset that they forget that they have their faults too. It's good to remind the one you love why they love you every once in awhile. You shouldn't have to but it's necessary from time to time. Sometimes you don't forget that someone loves you, you just like to have it confirmed as much as possible...especially when you're doubting for whatever reason. "The grand romantic gesture" is usually a good indication. When you're willing to really put yourself out there for someone you love, if they love you they won't turn you down. Also, when a person thinks of you and all that comes to mind are bad memories they are not likely to want to be around you or seek you out. If you change that and they have predominately pleasant thoughs of you, they are more likely to call you up to hang out and make an effort to spend time with you. I believe that if someone loves you and you do this, things will work out. I believe this quite strongly.

[solo34]

Hola, Boricua...I agree with what U said in your post.

 

-Solo34

[Boricua7]

Most failed relationships don't start up again, and if they do they often fail.

 

Well you're a happy and optimistic person!

 

Ever think that maybe things only fail because you expect them to and let them?

[solo34]

Haha...I have 2 agree with Boricua on this. U have 2 turn that negative thinking and energy the other way.

 

-Solo34

[blender]

I think Screechytires is right, that the "dumper" should reach out, and be CLEAR as to WHY they are contacting you. My ex emailed me after 8 months no contact, (I was the dumpee, and spent so many months crying), I chose NOT to respond to his vague email of "I'd like to get together to talk", because I felt that after all my hurting and trying to heal, that if he could NOT be clear as to his intentions, then the "risk" was too big for my heart to respond to him... I think what "Screechy" said about an "ex" not working through the issues that caused the break up will surely have them come around eventually if just to alleviate thier guilt, and make it all "better" for them to sleep at night. My ex knew how hurt I was, but I kept up No Contact for eight months, and just when I was starting to "get a bit better" I received the vague email, I spend days and nights trying to decipher "what he truly meant" by saying "I'd like to get together to talk".... but decided if it was something IMPORTANT he wanted to discuss, he would have said "more" or at least Called me instead of emailing... so I let him go.. and I never heard from him since... I guess he "effort" of sending an email exhausted him... Well, it takes more than that to win my heart back... after all he broke it..and I'm still "healing". So beware of the "ex' that DOESN'T make the EFFORT to get you back... Screechy is right, if they honestly feel they made a mistake they would be VERY CLEAR about it, and not "vague". protect your own heart first...don't you think?

[Boricua7]

Its actually pretty nasty to ask me if I've ever considered if things fail because I expect them to or let them. Because, well in fact, I fully expected the relationship that makes me obsessively post here to work out, and truly did my very best to let it succeed. But it failed anyways because that was simply beyond my control.

 

Please don't take what I wrote the wrong way. I was in no way trying to attack you and I'm sorry if it seemed that way. I just know that I have a tendency to expect the worst sometimes and in doing so I help it to happen. I wasn't implying that you always expect things to fail. I apologize if what I said was not expressed in the way I meant it and instead in a way that would cause you to think I was attacking you and respond defensively.

 

I think Screechytires is right, that the "dumper" should reach out, and be CLEAR as to WHY they are contacting you. My ex emailed me after 8 months no contact, (I was the dumpee, and spent so many months crying), I chose NOT to respond to his vague email of "I'd like to get together to talk", because I felt that after all my hurting and trying to heal, that if he could NOT be clear as to his intentions, then the "risk" was too big for my heart to respond to him... I think what "Screechy" said about an "ex" not working through the issues that caused the break up will surely have them come around eventually if just to alleviate thier guilt, and make it all "better" for them to sleep at night. My ex knew how hurt I was, but I kept up No Contact for eight months, and just when I was starting to "get a bit better" I received the vague email, I spend days and nights trying to decipher "what he truly meant" by saying "I'd like to get together to talk".... but decided if it was something IMPORTANT he wanted to discuss, he would have said "more" or at least Called me instead of emailing... so I let him go.. and I never heard from him since... I guess he "effort" of sending an email exhausted him... Well, it takes more than that to win my heart back... after all he broke it..and I'm still "healing". So beware of the "ex' that DOESN'T make the EFFORT to get you back... Screechy is right, if they honestly feel they made a mistake they would be VERY CLEAR about it, and not "vague". protect your own heart first...don't you think?

 

I agree. If your ex feels they made a mistake they should make a clear effort to "fix" things. You are strong to not have replied to him. I would have and I would have said "What do you mean?" too in hopes that he would want me back. I wouldn't have been able to foresee the risk. It's hard though. The reason my bf and I ended up breaking up was because he said I never truly trusted him and it killed him that he felt he could do nothing good enough in my eyes for me to trust him and stop doubting that he loves me (I say loves and not loved because he says he still does love me). So how do you know when to open your heart to someone and how do you know when to just walk away?

[blender]

yeah, I know where you stand, I know my ex still loves me too.. but REAL love involves "effort" on both parts. And my ex said the same things to me that yours said to you, it was usually something I did or didn't do that made him "feel" inadequate and for a long time after the break up, I hated myself for making him "feel" this way... but ya know what, I realized I can't MAKE HIM FEEL ANYTHING, it's either he's got the confidence, the patience, the understanding, the real love to "work through it" with me. And we all have less than steller moments in our relationships, but you don't "walk away" saying "I still love you but you screwed up". If they love us, then be in the "act of loving" which includes understanding, forgiveness, being able to laugh at our past misunderstandings, and to listen and learn about each other... there should NOT be judgement and hope given to us, they are simply NOT man enough to "step up to the plate" and say, "I love you but it bothers me when you do this or that, can we figure out how to keep 'us' together and get through this, because I really love you and I don't want to just run away." I have four brothers whom I respect and admire and they wouldn't just leave a woman they love because she has insecurities, and if they did, they would leave in a classy way and NEVER contact again unless it was agreed upon that it was "okay" and "healthy" and not so painful to do so.... You and I both deserve a better man... and yeah I miss my perfect memories of him... but life is so tough at times, and I want someone who is there for the good, bad, and growing times... don't you?

[OCD]

Wow Blender, it's amazing what you just wrote and I can actually put your words into my sistuation, just it's my ex-girlfriend and not your boyfriend. Especially the part about loving someone and working through all of the misunderstandings. My ex told me the same thing when she left...."I'll always Love You"....what the hell is that supposed to mean? If she loved me she wouldn't have thrown my heart into the trash, right?

Any ways I just wanted to comment on what you wrote because it hit home for me. I'm sticking to NC in my sitch, but have thought about contacting her......probably not a good idea....thank you.

 

OCD

[Royltnxile]

Interesting thread, but the reality is that there is no such thing as a "plan" to get your ex back. None whatsoever. If they leave, they leave, and once that decision has been made on their part (for whatever reason), there is nothing you can do or say that is going to change their minds. It is strictly up to the dumper to do the reaching out. "Reaching out" means clear, non ambigious communication of substance....NOT "forwarded" emails, "no message" hang up calls, stupid mysterious messages left like "call me when you get this"...etc..etc....because most of the time dumpers tend to still want the ego boost and validation of knowing you are still on their hook even though they have no serious interest in rekindling anything with you...the only thing they are looking to "kindle" are their own ego's.

 

(Kudo's to Screechytires for his posts on this thread, he makes alot of sense). Concocting "plans" and using "tactics" to try and get someone back is a losing proposition that keeps you stuck and prevents you from healing. It's been 13 months for me since having my heart shredded unexpectedly and abruptly, over the phone, an hour before dinner plans...on Valentines Day!..after a 4 months near "perfect" relationship by a troubled girl with serious commitment, intimacy, and self esteem issues. 13 months and I am soooooooooo much wiser and knowledgable on all this relationship stuff.

 

The best input I can give is what I have learned over the past year:

 

If someone can walk away from you, then just let them walk.

There is nothing more pathetic than trying to stay attached to someone who chose to detach from you. Why try and stay in somone's life who doesn't want you there anymore? What was, was, but isn't anymore. Simple as that. Accept it, focus on yourself, improve yourself, let go, and move on! Most importantly, you must remember this basic fact: Your destiny is never tied to someone who leaves you... Everyone needs to remember that. Someone who can walk away from you and walk out of your life just aren't worth it are they?

[annie24]

Ditto to screechytires and roylt.

 

Really, it is rare that exes get back together. If I had to put a number on it, I'd say about 3% of the time. And when they do get back, they tend to break up again.

 

I'm not sure that any kind of a plan really works. Apart from total NC. I've "gotten" exes back when I did NC, moved on with my life, moved far away, and the years later, out of the blue, they want back. Blah.

 

I have to agree with Roylt - if they let you leave, why do you want them back? I am now 3 weeks in of NC with my ex. We had a near perfect relaitonship for 4 months. No fighting, nothing. Just a very easy and happy relationship. Then he decided that he just didn't feel "the spark" for me - that I was great and wonderful and attractive and sweet... but he just wasn't feeling it for me.

 

He let me leave. Why would I want to get someone back who let me go so easily?

 

Trust me, your exes aren't all that. And the only way to get them to come back is if they decide they made a huge mistake, and it's of their own free will. No plans, no schemes. Nothing.

 

I tried to get a guy back a few years ago. I was madly in love with him. I tried being a friend, no relationship talk, just happy talk, I always looked nice when I saw him - you know what resulted? He used me as a bed buddy, whenever it was convient for him. When it wasn't, he would tell me, "We broke up, we're just friends now." But, when he was in the mood....

 

blah.

[byates5637]

I know there is no one plan to get your ex back. But the reality is many couples do get back together for another try. I have seen it happen many times in my own relationships and my friends relationships.

 

Some people cannot give up and move on from there ex without trying to get them back for a while. We see these types of people at enotalone all the time. By trying to get them back you will either suceed and it will be good, or you will hurt yourself for a little while longer, but in the long run you will gain the closure that you needed to let it rest and move on.

 

My "plan" is for the people that have not yet gotten closure and cannot give up hope. Often times these people act on emotions and do things like call 10 times a day, show up at thier house crying, etc. My plan is meant to minimize the damage. If you take what i said as guidlines of how to act you will keep your most of your dignity and not do anything else to push them further away.

 

And note the key point in my "plan." You have to realize if it just isn't working and give up. My "plan" will let you really see if your ex still has buried feelings for you or not.

[annie24]

Oh, I know my ex still has feelings for me, but has he come back, asking for another chance? No......

[Royltnxile]

I understand what you are saying Byates, and I'm not saying your tactics are without merit. Yes, reconnections do happen, and I've seen it too. However, I think it can only truly happen as Annie said - of the other person's (dumper's) free will and the realization that they made a huge mistake, and it is certainly up to them to make that realization for themselves and up to them to make the dumpee aware of it. Often times when this happens, it's too late, and the dumpee has healed and doesn't want the dumper back. I'm a firm believer in "reconnection through disconnection" - meaning that you have to completely and truly let go of a person before there can be any "trying again". I still have feelings for my ex from 13 months ago, we haven't seen each other in person since the b/u. She has made the occasional lame attempt to contact me with "no message" calls, and back around Xmas with a bs ambigous "call me when you get this" message, not mentioning anything specific...I didnt call her back. I'm dating somone else (which could end at any time - another story for another thread), but I held my dignity and didn't return her lame calls. I figure if she has something she truly wants to say, then she would say it, not bait me into calling her back to feed her ego. She knows she screwed up with me, and I don't doubt how she feels about me, but I'm not going to go chasing her and trying to get her back. She burned me, so it's up to her to repair things and make amends - it's called dignity and self respect, and alot of people on Enotalone need to get some of it!

 

Anyway, the reality is also this: If said dumper wanted to try again, we dumpees would be the first to know, so until they are letting us know, it's best to let go and move on. The dumpers should become "dead to us" until (and if, big if) they choose to resurrect themselves.