3reesome....?

[deftone]

how i found this Forum, i couldn't tell you but i'm glad that i did

so.....my girlfriend and i both confessed to each other one fantasy that we've both thought about a couple of times, and that is to have a fmf threesome at first it was her wanting to hook up with another chic and let me watch then she said if all goes well with that then she would let me join, but i couldn't screw the other chic only my girlfriend then she said if we both are still having fun, she said that she would like to have a full 3reesome where i do it to both my girlfriend and another chic of her choice(of course) any experienced individuals that have done this with someone they were in love with?? i just want to know how it went, b/c i know it will happen soon or later, i just want it to go smooth

 

is this a good idea??

[PocoDiablo]

Oooh the can of worms you are about to open. It's going to be like that joke "Peanut" can that a snake pops out of. Be prepared!

 

Well, let me tell you my experience.

 

1. She wants to have a threesome, but you cannot partake (screw the other chick.) Bad sign right off the bat. She can have fun, but you can't? What if it were MMF? Would she not screw the guy? What's the point for you, then? Obviously this is because she is insecure about seeing you with another woman, but it also defies the "give AND take" of a relationship.

 

There is a lot going on here, too. You have to realize that she is trying to set this up - or are you? Basically, I found that if she sets it up, you're less likely to be involved from the get go unless you don't get invovled. But this means you have to let the two of them be alone together, have sex with each other while you are not around, etc., and then at that point you MIGHT get invited in. I hated that. If you are not involved from the beginning, call it off.

 

In the long run, most of these women I was with turned lesbian and ended up with each other. The worst was when one of her lesbian lovers turned "straight" to be with me, because then my partner felt jilted when I started having sex with her alone. Funny how that works, I realized .... it was okay when SHE did it, but when *I* did it there was a problem. That was the moment I realized this was not about me, but about her. That was when everything came crumbling down and I called it off.

 

2. I heard a great line last night. It was somethink like "Open relationships would be a lot easier if there were less people involved." Let me tell you, it's true. I've had more threesomes and more-somes than I can count now. And everyone of them created some issues. Ultimately I would not do it with someone who I *really* cared about because the problems it create WILL be a major test of your self-composure and relationship skills. You will have to be VERY mature about dealing with the fallout, and there WILL be fallout - especially if this is your first time.

 

3. Would I recommend it? Absolutely. I don't regret it one bit. I had a great time. It cost me my marriage, but in the long run it also showed me that I married the wrong woman and I was the wrong man. I grew and learned about myself in ways I never knew were possible, and while I wouldn't do it again, I don't regret it one bit.

 

The only thing I regret was erasing the video tapes. Don't do that.

 

I'm engaged now, and would absolutely *NEVER* do it with my fiance because it creates some VERY major issues about trust and love.

 

If you love her, put your foot down and tell her it's never going to happen with you. It won't go smooth if you do it, I can promise you that.

[PocoDiablo]

I should add, the only way I would do this would be if you can easily pick up other women. The nights when they kick you out of the house were the nights I wish I could have met a different woman and had some company. If you cannot flirt with women or pick up women, you're at a major disadvantage and will get burned.

 

In my opinion.

[Süsser Tod]

U from vegas Poco Diablo?

[chai714]

In short, no this is not a good idea. If you're going to do something like this, do it while you're single.

[deftone]

it has nothing to do with being all about her this is something that we confronted each other about b/c we both realized that we were that much in love and comfortable with each other to express our thoughts and fantasies to each other it's all confidence inspired she and i know that by us talking like this, that we will have that much more respect for each other she knows that i'm not going anywhere and i know she's not going anywhere we're just curious

[Day_Walker]

Threesomes can be a difficult situation depending on the parties involved. What you want to do is honestly think about your relationship and do you believe that your relationship can handle a threesome. This is about all the information that you have to go on. If both of the people in the relationship are interested in the idea then, both may be able to handle a threesome. If any of you are the jealous type then I suggest that you dont have a threesome, the after effects will be horrible.

[deftone]

we are both "single". although seriously committed, we are not going to get into an adulterous relationship, i would never consider this with my wife!

[AwdreeHpburn]

"sinlge although and serioulsy committed" is an oxymoron - by MY defintion at least.

 

def - you asking for advice or permission?

 

I think -and I don't mean this insulting - but I think you're being a bit naive. I think you should re-read Poco's response. He's experienced (quite a bit apparently) and the advice he offered sounds pretty solid to me.

 

I have known plenty of people (not me, a close friend, ahem...)who've done this and there seems to always be "fallout" as poco so beautifully put it.

 

I know YOUR relationship will be different and you probably WILL be the one guy and girl who pull it off flawlessly, but I think you asked for opinions so you could gather information.

 

Consider yourself warned.

[deftone]

understood ta ree saw.....

but i believe that poco isn't completely understanding, that's all . and i was trying to help him understand where my head was at . i don't think he completely understands b/c a comment was made about me having to have the ability to pick up women easily.......the other woman will be "picked up" by my girlfriend, not me.

[coollady1957]

As far as threesomes....... My personal opinion, is that I would not do it if I were you. Yep, I think it could be a " big ole can of worms" you could be opening if you get in to that.

And I agree, that IF you are going to do it, do it when you are not in relationship with a specific one woman. If you are just into sexual fun and experimenting as an unattached person, I guess if you would want to do it, to go for it.

Personally, I couldnt do it at all. I am strictly a " one on one "person. But I dont put anyone else down for their preferences.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

aside from that, many times jealous feelings can arise and cause serious rifts between the two people. is it worth risking your marriage?

[PocoDiablo]

U from vegas Poco Diablo?

No, San Francisco. Ever heard of the Exotic Erotic ball? Go Google it. image removed

 

it has nothing to do with being all about her

I know you *think* that but what I am trying to point out is the following:

 

You said the first threesome you can watch. How are you involved? The second threesome you can touch but not screw. That is half involved. The third threesome - IF you get that far, and let me tell you that is a very *BIG* if ... trust me - then you can screw the other woman. So two out of three times you are second fiddle. The problem here is that this is not for the two of you if you are not equally involved. In addition, either she or you is probably going to start spending more time with the other partner - ever heard the term "third wheel?" If she is out picking up women, YOU'RE going to be thre third wheel. I should know, I was the third wheel for a long time. It sucks seeing the woman you love flirting, joking, kissing, and more with some other woman while you are on the sidelines. Excuses come up such as "Let me see her alone, I know I can talk her into it." and in the meanwhile you're home watching TV while they are out partying. This is a slipperly slope and since it's clear you've never done this, it's also clear you don't understand the unwritten rules of swinging and threesomes.

 

This aleternative lifestyle has some serious and rather far-reaching implications for your relationship, and I know you don't see them coming. Believe me, I didn't either. Only after doing them for 5 years did it all start to come together. You're on thin ice, and the last thing I want to see happen to you is that you get (1) surprised by the lack of "action" you get and (2) you get left behind.

 

That's all. I'm just trying to point out the picture from the other end of the story.

 

this is something that we confronted each other about b/c we both realized that we were that much in love and comfortable with each other to express our thoughts and fantasies to each other it's all confidence inspired she and i know that by us talking like this, that we will have that much more respect for each other she knows that i'm not going anywhere and i know she's not going anywhere we're just curious

Curious is fun, but when it comes down to it people's feelings get hurt and emotions change. You cannot predict what will happen.

 

You might want to consider this story:

 

My girl messed around with another girl... dunno what to think

link removed

 

This is a guy who has a different angle on what you may be experiencing in the near future, and you should read the replies there (ignore the dummies goofing around) and think how you would react if that happened to you.

we are both "single". although seriously committed, we are not going to get into an adulterous relationship, i would never consider this with my wife!

 

 

understood ta ree saw.....

but i believe that poco isn't completely understanding, that's all . and i was trying to help him understand where my head was at . i don't think he completely understands b/c a comment was made about me having to have the ability to pick up women easily.......the other woman will be "picked up" by my girlfriend, not me.

Yes, I know your woman will be picking up other women. But can YOU pick up a woman? Are you going to let her do all the picking? What happens if she brings home a woman you find disgusting? Hey, it happened to me more than once. So then what do you do? You don't want to touch this woman, and you don't want to stay home while they screw around, and you would like to hang out with someone ... so can YOU go out and meet a woman, flirt, and pick her up and bring her home?

 

The problem is that it is notoriously easy for women to pick up other women. And, statistics show that when women get together in lesbian relationships they are VERY OFTEN long term and pemanent. Men think of it as just sex. So what may very well happen to you is that your GF picks up a woman, brings her home, and then they get attached. After a few months you end up single and alone.

 

Believe it or not, the very woman who introduced me to this lifestyle is STILL with her first girlfriend - who she brought home for "us" - over six years later. I left her, though, because when her GF and I had sex it caused problems. It was obvious to me that they were in love - and more in love with each other than me, so I graecfully bowed out.

 

So, I can't tell you I wouldn't do it - I never said that - but I will tell you to expect MORE and demand MORE. It's all or nothing in my opinion. I'd never let my current SO bring home someone if the expectation was not that I'd do whatever I wanted to her as well.

 

That's my story, take it or leave it, I think you deserve more.

[ShySoul]

For once, I sorta agree with Poco. If you really care about someone, don't go there. Some fantasies are best left in fantasy land.

 

Poco - You're in San Francisco? Same here. And I know all about the Exotic Erotic ball.

[Fallout Girl]

Hi everyone, I am deftones' "SO" so I thought I would give this a little more perspective. When this topic came up we were both a bit surprised at how it was received by the other. A threesome is something that I have always lightly fantasized about, it was brought up as a playful subject and we quickly realized it was a little more than that.

I had always been very prudent in my past relationships. I wasn't very fun because I wasn't having any fun. But I have fun with deftone. I'm comfortable with myself now and I feel like I've gotten to a place that I can explore myself and what excites me. Obviously everything about deftone excites me but our thinking on this subject was; we are both young, we feel our relationship is strong enough to withstand just about anything, but we also realize that talking about it and fantasizing about it is one thing, and actually going out and doing it is a completely different ballpark.

We both have great mutual respect for eachother and ourselves. We also decided that at anypoint if either one of us feels uncomfortable or feels any negative affects of what we are doing then the whole thing gets called off.

I did not bring this up as the opportunity for me to go out solo and "get a piece of * * *" without having to feel like I had cheated.

I do however respect your point of view Poco. It sounds like you've had your hand in this situation a time or two. I would like to know, in your opinion, if this is something you feel can be done once for the experience and be done with it. We don't want to do this and have it become a need. I don't ever want our one on one relationship to be compromised because we wanted to have a little fun.

I did tell deftone that I'm not comfortable with him having sex with the other girl. I think that would be the main source of jealousy(for me) if this were to happen.

But like deftone said before, this is just something that has come up recently so we haven't worked out all of our boundaries or what each of us would like to happen. This isn't all about me and this isn't all about him, this is something that we want to do as a couple if we decide that it is something we can handle as a couple.

Who knows, it may be enough that we are even talking about it as openly as we have been. Maybe that can be better than the real thing?

[RandomAdvisor]

I did tell deftone that I'm not comfortable with him having sex with the other girl. I think that would be the main source of jealousy(for me) if this were to happen.

 

 

 

 

This isn't all about me and this isn't all about him, this is something that we want to do as a couple if we decide that it is something we can handle as a couple.

 

 

I really think you are exhibiting some contradictory thinking here. If you admit you aren't prepared to watch your BF have sex with another woman, why in the world are you even entertaining the idea of having a threesome?

 

 

Some people think they are ready to see their partner have sex with someone else during a threesome, and then when it actually happens they see something they didn't expect to see and makes them jealous. Maybe he'll make her moan really loud. Or maybe they'll look soulfully into each other's eyes when they're doing it. Or maybe he'll be more aggressive and harder with her than he is with you. I'm sure you can imagine other scenarios that would also make you uncomfortable that don't require them having full on sex, it could be other things. Are you prepared to see that? You've already said that you aren't. I can't say that I blame you either, I feel the same way. I've been with my GF for five years, and if I ever watched her having sex with another man, I don't think I could ever look at her again. It would kill our relationship. That's why I'd never dream of having a threesome.

 

To my understanding, a threesome is a sexual encounter where everyone involved is having sex with each other. If you are having sex with another woman and your BF is there but doesn't also do anything with her, that's not a threesome. That's you having sex with another woman and your BF getting to watch. If you want to do that and you both think you'll get off on it, more power to you. But call it what it is - that's not a threesome.

[OceanEyes]

Big question of the day for deftone: Would YOU (the operative term here) have a big issue with your woman (Fallout Girl) being the predominant 'lovemaker', if the two of you were to find a woman for some extra-marrital fun? Answer honestly - who cares what you call it - would you have a major issue with watching your lover have sex with this hypothetical woman and not be able to have sex with her yourself?

 

How do YOU really feel about that?

 

I don't see this as being a bad idea. Some couples CAN and DO carry on alternative lifestyles like this, without it affecting their intimate relationship that much.

 

I will say though, that although I have often found myself wondering what it may be like to have a threesome, I wouldn't do it. And with good reasons:

 

- There is absolutely NO way that I could watch my boyfriend having intercourse with another woman. There is absolutely NO way for you to 'forsee the future' and determine whether or not it's just going be "sex". There is NO way. I wouldn't chance it, as I know that I am a very emotionally impulsive person, and it would take something like this to turn me off of him completely - and for good. One time - one night - in exchange for three years of love, commitment, and working very hard to keep things together at times.

 

- It would change the dynamic of our relationship.

 

- I would be at risk of enjoying sex with him much less, or not at all.

 

- The strain on the relationship afterwards would probably change everything - I would see him AND our connection differently. That is VERY scary and not worth one night of excitement and pleasure (for me, anyway).

 

I once tried to have a threesome with a girlfriend/ acquaintance and a guy who she actually liked (I didn't know this at the time). There was a lot of alcohol involved, and we decided to just 'go for it'. We got started, just kissing and touching, and she got up and walked out of the room. She got up, said, "I can't do this", and didn't speak to me for about three years.

 

I said it before and will say it again - some people are naturally BUILT to take risks like this, and have it be nothing more than a sexual encounter, and some people can't. In taking this chance, you will discover whether or not YOU are the type of person who can. But you risk a lot. Once you have those images, sounds, and expressions in your head, they don't leave, so choose wisely and be honest with yourself beforehand.

[ShySoul]

As mature as you may think you are, and how well thought out it is, when you are in the actual act, everything can change. No matter how much you plan, things will go differently. You may enjoy it at the time, but then have waves of regret come over you later on. Anything can happen. So its really a choice of what you think is best. Do you want to risk it, being ready to fully accept whatever consequences come out of it?

[deftone]

are we going about this the right way??? i feel that researching and finding answers to the racing questions in both of our heads is really helping. so i'll take this time to thank all of your guys' posts, very much appreciated.

[PocoDiablo]

Now this is cool, everyone's on the same page. I'll point out what I see here.

 

I do however respect your point of view Poco. It sounds like you've had your hand in this situation a time or two.

Actual count is about 40+ times, to give you some background perspective.

 

I would like to know, in your opinion, if this is something you feel can be done once for the experience and be done with it.

That depends on the people, in my opinion. At this point, I would say it would take a VERY, VERY strong bond to prevent a break up. Someone will get jealous. Your man is going to *probably* feel held back by not being able to fully participate, and - if he's like me - he will feel like he got cheated because you had more fun than he did. Fair's fair, and if it's not fair there will probably be hard feelings. Then it's no longer "just once" it's "Well, we can do it again so you can play this time." All sorts of strange issues come up. Saving the details, after one threesome the two ladies played for an additional 6 hours while I tried to sleep on the (too small) couch and they were making all sorts of noise. The male libido cannot keep up with two women, in my experience. Was I mad? Oh yeah, you bet. We never saw her again, and it put stress on the relationship.

 

My money is on something happening that you don't plan for. Heck, one time we had a fist fight break out between two of the women. Another time we ended up with a woman who I found physically and mentally repulsive. I left, and that did not go over well.

 

We don't want to do this and have it become a need. I don't ever want our one on one relationship to be compromised because we wanted to have a little fun.

Then my advice to you would be to rent some adult movies and watch them and live vicariously through them. Seriously.

 

I did tell deftone that I'm not comfortable with him having sex with the other girl. I think that would be the main source of jealousy(for me) if this were to happen.

This is the issue I was trying to pick up on. You're like most women I know and have insecurity issues. That's perfectly normal in my experience, just like I get insecure when I see my woman having sex with another guy.

 

The problem I discovered was that the day you are secure enough to let your partner sleep with someone else is the same day you realize you don't love them. They are just a FWB (Friends With Benefits) person. They are not the love of your life anymore. Every time I was okay with a woman sleeping with someone else, my feelings for her subsided. In my opinion, we - as human beings - do that to protect our feelings, protect ourselves from being emotionally hurt. It's like you're with a stranger. You don't care what a stranger does, right? Same thing happens with your partner. I ended up seeing my partners more as sex objects, and not high quality, long term, family minded women. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying I won't be with a woman who has had a threesome (or a few) but I am just saying I could never be seriously, long term, lovingly involved with a threesome partner. The emotional connection is just destroyed in my experience. It's just ... that's just the way it has been for me - and everyone who I have known in the scene as well.

 

But like deftone said before, this is just something that has come up recently so we haven't worked out all of our boundaries or what each of us would like to happen. This isn't all about me and this isn't all about him, this is something that we want to do as a couple if we decide that it is something we can handle as a couple.

Well, like I said, I don't regret doing it. They were usually pretty fun. The only thing I would recommend would be to (1) pick up a stranger, together, so everyone is on the same page (2) get a hotel (3) do not exchange personal information, such as phone numbers (4) never see the same person twice (5) use protection (6) video tape it (7) have a drink or two before hand (8) do not place restrictions on what you can do or not - everyone has sex, period (9) everyone is nude and everyone is involved (10) males always use protection (11) no one comes inside a woman, even with protection [they break].

 

The biggest problems always occurred when someone was feeling left out. There were never any problems with one person having sex, etc., just when someone did NOT get to play fully. This is a "no limits" arena, basically, and you need to treat it as such.

 

Who knows, it may be enough that we are even talking about it as openly as we have been. Maybe that can be better than the real thing?

That's all I will do at this point in my serious relationship. Oh, and the movies. On a really big TV. We do talk a lot though!

 

I like to joke with folks sometimes and I will say "Every woman with whom I had a threesome I've also broken up with. .... But every woman who I *haven't* had a threesome with I've also broken up with! " Well, all but one I should say - the current SO.

 

Bottom lines - it's fun if everyone is on the same page. I don't regret doing it. I'm just glad I have the presense of mind to know when I've got a keeper and not do it with her.

 

For reference, the only thing I do regret is the opportunities I turned down!

 

Life is all about experiencing things. Without my experiences, my successes, my failures, my mistakes, I would not be what I consider a well rounded person. It may have been "out there" on the scale of what some people would do, but if they've never done it then I don't think they have any place to talk about it being good or bad, right or wrong - how could they? They don't actually *know* for themselves - only from what they've been told or seen.

 

Only you can answer your own questions. Good luck.

[ShySoul]

The problem I discovered was that the day you are secure enough to let your partner sleep with someone else is the same day you realize you don't love them. They are just a FWB (Friends With Benefits) person. They are not the love of your life anymore. Every time I was okay with a woman sleeping with someone else, my feelings for her subsided. In my opinion, we - as human beings - do that to protect our feelings, protect ourselves from being emotionally hurt. It's like you're with a stranger. You don't care what a stranger does, right? Same thing happens with your partner. I ended up seeing my partners more as sex objects, and not high quality, long term, family minded women.

 

Point of the thread in my opinion.

[Cyberchick]

I don't totally agree with the statement that if you are okay with your partner sleeping with someone else you don't love them. For me, it's much harder for me to accept someone I love having emotional intimacy with someone than sex. I was with someone who did sleep with someone else, but that didn't even really bother me, because I know sex can just be sex sometimes. But the thought of them confiding in each other and all the other stuff that bonded us is what got me. If I was okay with all of that, that's when I would know it's not love. But I know everyone is different.

[ilovecats]

Well,this has been a very interesting topic.I myself have fantasized about having a threesome with my b/f.But when it actually comes down to it,I don't think I could go through with it.I think that poco is right about all of this.If you two love eachother,why not be satisfied with just the two of you.All you need is eachother.Why bring in someone else?If your sex life is good right now,don't mess that up.

[amylyn930]

My boyfriend and I had a 3some with my best friend... and it was great fun! It happened last October and there are no regrets... we laugh about it.. and it brought us closer in a way.. I dont think we would ever do it again.. but it was a good experience

[itsallgrand]

If you're gonna have a 3-some, go in as the single one

 

I've heard and seen the story a million times. The couple always end up breaking up, or fighting, or becoming less close, ....or they weren't that close to begin with (usually the case).

 

I think it's bs - "we are so very mature that we can do this". No. When I'm truly passionately in love with someone, commited and a couple, there is no way on earth I am going to share!

 

Do it young and don't expect not to run into trouble if you are going in as a couple.