alot of people say " don't snoop" i say snoop thru everything

[miticalzz]

i have read alot of posts on here where they suspect their bf/gf may be hiding something from them. i say if you are in a long-term relationship. you have the right to snoop your butt off. i say this because my ex-husband of 11 years cheate on me sevral times. we divorced and i had no proof in court that he had cheated. i wish i would have snooped. i was too naive to snoop. he got away with all the cheat and b.s he put me thru. it's not fair. if someone is cheating on you, you have the right, imo... snooping is't right but cheating is alot worse.

[princessdi75]

i agree, and disagree.

 

I'm the kind of person that thinks "what i don't know can't hurt me!" ...but if i was being cheated on i'd want to know. I am a snoop, it's just one of my character flaws (i think it runs in my family!) but I'm nosy. My bf has nothing to hide and i still snoop through his stuff for no good reason, just boredom i guess, lol.

 

i feel like, if you feel you have a reason to snoop, then do it, it's better to just KNOW instead of killing yourself wondering. But be prepared, you may find out something stupid and miniscule that you just wouldn't want to know...people will be people, and we all have weird things we do and don't tell anyone (lol).

[RayKay]

I think if you feel the need to snoop it's a good sign there is already something very wrong with the relationship - either with the partner, or with your own insecurities. And if there is no reason to snoop, all it does is breed mistrust and cause you to snoop more. I hear countless stories of people whom get upset as they find love letters from 10 years before they were even around....and I don't get that at all. And it just is toxic to the relationship in itself.

 

Sorry, but if I felt that way, I would see that as a sign there was something wrong...and it would be time to talk. I would not stay with a partner I could not trust, plain and simple..it would FEEL wrong, and so BE wrong.

 

My partner and I talk, and communicate, we are honest with one another, I have absolutely NO desire to snoop in the least bit because I don't have red flags or gut feelings going off. If I did....it would be time to talk...and consider whether my gut was telling me something was wrong or not. If the partnership is healthy, there is no need or desire to snoop. And if you are with someone you need to snoop on...they are not the one for you.

 

It sounds simplistic, but I feel/see the URGE to snoop as a big tell tale sign there is something amiss. Snooping won't correct it if it is. There are better ways to deal with it.

[BellaDonna]

If I ever suspected anything, I would try my best to ask my partner and read his response first.

 

Unless a person is incredibly insecure or jealous.....they usually will not suspect cheating for no reason. Most people say they get " a gut feeling" that something is not right. Usually your gut feelings never let you down (again assuming it's not insecurity/low self-esteem talking).

 

If my husband ever cheated, I would know just from being in the same room with him. I know that sounds strange but I can read him like a book. One of the reasons I married him was due to the 100% secure feeling I have with him as a person. He is very direct, and a very honest and admirable person. There are no mysteries with him.

 

If I ever suspected cheating- I would go to him first- if he lied (which I would know immediately, by his eyes and if he made a certain trademark smirk-like expression with the corner of his mouth), I would take it to the next level. I'd be in my car making sure he went where he said he was, etc. I'd check phone records and e-mail. When your HEATLH is on the line (i.e. as a wife/long term partner you're sleeping with your guy without protection- if he has sex with someone else- you are VERY vulnerable to diseases) I'd do as a last resort, if I felt the need, I would resort to snooping. You have to look out for yourself in life too. Snooping is not great- but I agree that cheating is the bigger evil. I would snoop as a last resort because I'm not the kind of person that lets others pull the shades over my eyes.

 

I do not agree with those who snoop simply out of their own insecurities or out or possessiveness. That's a whole other issue. But if I ever had "that feeling", I would take it to the next level.

 

All throughout my life my intuition has never stirred me wrong. I would take it seriously if I had that gut feeling. I would not allow my health to be endangered.

 

 

BellaDonna

[miticalzz]

see i don't agree. about the talk thing. cheaters lie, they will tell you anything to get you to believe them. that's why i say find the proof that they are.

[RayKay]

see i don't agree. about the talk thing. cheaters lie, they will tell you anything to get you to believe them. that's why i say find the proof that they are.

 

Of course they lie, but do you not feel they ARE lying? Cheaters tend to not be very GOOD liars.

 

See this is the thing...if you are snooping, and your guy/girl is NOT a cheater, how does that benefit the relationship at ALL? It doesn't? How would you feel if you were 100% trustworthy and faithful and someone was constantly checking up on you, snooping through your stuff, and so forth?

 

When you don't find proof, you are just driven to keep looking. And you will look until you convince yourself they are just good at hiding it...and look more...if you already FEEL there is something they are hiding, there probably IS something they are hiding!

 

Why punish everyone for what someone else MIGHT do??

[NJRon]

If you're snooping for evidence for court, that's one thing. I mean, if you already know what's going on and you're just trying to document it, that's a whole different thing than trying to figure out what is going on in the first place. Which, in turn, is much different than reading into things or finding things you wish you *hadn't* ever seen.

 

I have found that snooping did more harm than good for me. It just keeps ripping a wound open more and more and also causes me to question everything. So, I just don't do it anymore. I caught myself starting towards the end of my last relationship, but I was able to stop myself. Which I am thankful for, I can only imagine the scars I'd be carrying around with me right now if I actually knew what was going on.

 

So, basically I agree with RayKay... if there is an urge to snoop, there is something much deeper going on. The urge is just a symptom and, for the most part, I think it better left alone.

[miticalzz]

ok that all makes sense. but when you are married it's sort of a what mine is yours and what's yours in mine thing anyway. so is that really snooping?

[kellbell]

I am sorry, I totally disagree with you miticalzz.

 

If you have to snoop or feel the need to snoop, there is something very wrong in your relationship. It shows there is no trust nor communication, two key components that nurture a relationship as well as keeping it healthy and strong. Plus your partner should be making you feel secure as well you doing the same for your partner. If that is not happening, there is something wrong as well.

 

I snooped in a past relationship and I found out what I was looking for but it just went to show that not only my partner was not doing his best in making me feel secure he was talking to another girl, a "friend." But the fact that I felt I had to snoop should have been enough to leave, whether he was up to something or not.

 

Plus, I have my private things that I need private. My journal for example. NO ONE reads that. Or some keepsakes I have from my past I like to keep private. Everyone needs their privacy for his or her own well-being, sense of self, individuality, and space. Knowing EVERY SINGLE thing about your partner shows that you are loosing yourself in the relationship and forgetting whom you are and that is not healthy either.

 

"mine is yours and what's yours in mine thing" Where does that appear anywhere? It's not in stone anywhere or even in your marriage vows. I'm sorry, if I was married and I kept a journal, I would not my husband to read it.

[PocoDiablo]

I caught my wife cheating on me by installing a keyboard logger on our personal computer. I knew something was up, but could not figure out what was going on. When I did find out, WOW was she cheating. She had been with something like 8 different people. So we divorced - plain and simple. I knew that if she made a fuss about the divorce I could take her to court and I'd have tons of evidence, and she'd lose like crazy. In the state I lived, adultry was illegal as well. Luckily, she didn't try anything so that was nice, but I was still livid.

 

My opinion? I believe you have every right to educate yourself to someone who could be bringing home an STD and endangering your life. Don't mess with me and I won't mess with you. If you want to cheat, break up with me first.

[RayKay]

ok that all makes sense. but when you are married it's sort of a what mine is yours and what's yours in mine thing anyway. so is that really snooping?

 

I disagree. When you are married it does not mean you suddenly stop respecting one anothers privacy and feelings. If you two agree together that everything is for each other and you exchange passwords and such that is one thing, but to decide for yourself what's his is yours without talking to him is pretty disrespectful.

 

Married is a state of mind and heart anyway, not just paper. I think boundaries and privacy should still be respected. You are still individuals.

[Dako]

Trust is a good thing for a relationship. Once it's gone, it's not much of a relationship. It can be mistrust or cheating that does the damage.

[miticalzz]

ok, i guess i should have rephrased what i said. yes, it is wrong to snoop if you are in a healthy and trusting relationship.

 

i was married and my husband cheated on me. i suspected all along that he was. i didn't snoop because i thought that was wrong, especially thru his personal belongings.

 

so when i went to court i didn't have any evidence. i really got burned in my divorce, plus i felt like i was living a lie. he had been cheating on me for several years. had i known that i would have left him alot sooner. instead of waisting all the time with a cheating husband.

 

so that's why i say snoop, if you are in a unhealthy relationship.

[BellaDonna]

My opinion? I believe you have every right to educate yourself to someone who could be bringing home an STD and endangering your life. Don't mess with me and I won't mess with you. If you want to cheat, break up with me first

 

That's exactly the way I see it too.....

 

But again -the CHEATING problem has to be there first. I don't agree with snooping in a healthy realtionship out of curiosity, jealousy, unfounded insecurity, no reason etc. When that happens....a line is crossed from snooping to psycho stalker....

 

 

BellaDonna

[kellbell]

Ok...I see what you are saying...but in your case I would not call it snooping, it is gathering evidence you will need in court and to be heard and to have legal matters settled.

 

but I do have to say in response to your last sentence....

 

"so that's why i say snoop, if you are in a unhealthy relationship."

 

No, don't snoop... end it.

[RayKay]

But if you are in an unhealthy relationship....get thee to counselling or get thee out....snooping won't "cure" an unhealthy one and may make you feel even worse. If you felt this way for years....I guess I wonder why you waited for "evidence".

 

I am sorry you feel you got "burned", though unless you had a pre-nup that gave you money for cheating, the courts tend not to really change their rulings even if there was cheating...so I am unsure how that may have changed things. Unless he was arguing against the divorce or you had a prenup that gave you something in the case he cheated.

[shiminimo]

sometimes people don't want to snoop because they don't want to confirm their suspicions.

[Day_Walker]

Given the original posters situation it seems fairly obvious that she would support snooping. I dont believe that its a mature way to carry along a relationship. If you have doubts about the person then you need to act and not snoop.