my son hates me for my divorce

[miticalzz]

hello, I haven't had a relationship with my son since my divorce 3 years ago. He blames me for the divorce from his dad. He thinks that I was the one that caused all the agruments with his dad. His dad was a alcoholic and had a serious drinking problem and I did yell at him often. My son doesn't understand that his dad has issues and only remembers all the yelling that he thinks I caused. My son doesn't live with me anymore, he lives with my parents. He hasn't really done anything with me since the divorce. My husband just up and left one day without even saying goodbye to any of us.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Miti, I so sorry for what you're going thru.

 

First I just want to say that while it may feel like he hates you and he may even say that, he really doesn't. And I say that because he doesn't really understand what he's feeling. Divorce is very confusing for children.

 

I don't know how old your son is but I'd like to think if you don't bash his father and give it time, one day he'll ask you why you did it, why you took his father away, kicked him out, whatever it is he thinks you did...and you can explain.

 

Divorce is so difficult on children. And its so easy to blame the parent you DON'T already have a strained relationship with.

 

Sounds to me like he probably always wanted a relationship with his father that was never there. Once his father was out of the picture, someone has to take the blame. And it can't be his dad. He loves, adores and craves his dad. He knows your feelings, he knows you love him and will always be there but he wants to know that about his dad.

 

I don't know you or your son or the specifics of your situation, really, but I'm sorry you're living with the pain of thinking your son hates you.

 

Do you talk to him often?

Does he ever get to see or talk to his father?

Have you considered family counseling with your son?

[DN]

Why does your son live with your parents and not with you? How often do you see him?

[miticalzz]

my parents live about five miles away from me. I see my son about once a week. He hardly talks to me and when he does he has a bad attitude. He fights with me alot and I can't control him that is why he lives with my parents. it hurts me to see my family split up this way. I also have a daughter, she lives with me. Now my children are separated from each other along with being sepersted from their father.

[DN]

How old is your son?

 

This may take time and patience but your son is angry - and as you say he doesn't understand what all the harsh words were about. This is why it is important the children don't see or hear their parents having loud arguments. So you have some work to do.

 

I think you have to keep reassuring him that you love him and that the fact his father has left does not mean that you don't love him or want him. He will reject those assurances, maybe for a long time. But if you are patient and understanding he may well realise eventually that you mean what you say and will not desert him emotionally. But resist the temptation to badmouth his father or to blame him for the split. That will not help you.

 

This will be hard for you and it would be easy to give up - but for both your sakes, I hope you do not give up but take whatever time is necessary to try to get a good relationship going with him.

[byates5637]

My parents split up when i was 14. My mom left and took my sister. I stayed with my dad. It was a very very hard thing to go through and i did my share of blame placing too. Now it is several years later and i no longer resent my parents for the divorce. But the one thing that bothers me to this day is that i have no relationship with my sister since we were split up 8 years ago.

 

I would really try to get your son back living with you and your daughter again if anyway possible.

[miticalzz]

My son is 16 and my daughter is 15. I feel that it is important for all three of us to be together. I think that three years is alot of wasted time. But the only for all of us to heal I think is in time. We have been thru counseling and that seemed to make things worse because nobody wants to talk about the divorce.

[GottaLetItBurn]

My parents have been together all my life, I'm 18. My mom has divorced once before, and I have a twin. An older brother from her first husband.

 

I am ashamed to say, I have said I hate my mom before. I did not mean it though, and I regret it. If he is young, keep on telling him your reasons for it, he will grow up, and have to accept it.

 

don't get frustrated because he is mad about it, the divorce rate is like 50% these days. There have to be a million other woman out there going through the same thing.

[yeawutever]

Give it time, at that age, it's really easy to blame ur parents. Arguing in front of children is the worst of worst, use to heard folks argue once in a while, and till this day, gonna turn 19 and can't get it over with, once in while I get lil mood swings.

[fishrrshortae]

Your children are both at ages that are difficult enough anyways, regardless of the problems. Your son is old enough now that you can have a talk with him. If you feel he is up for it, try to set something up in a neutral environment. Maybe you could even try telling him a little about your side of what was happening. Encourage him to go to counseling with you. Be prepared to deal with a lot of anger. Bottom line is, there are a hundred things you can do to try, so do all of them and more.

[avman]

miticalzz what are your parents position regarding your son not speaking to you? Are they supportive of you? Or supportive of him and not you? Or neutral?

 

Do you think they could maybe participate with your son, yourself, and a family counselor to try to talk all this out and see if you can heal some of the wounds in your family?

[John Bendix]

My ex-wife has gone through similar relationship problems with our three sons.

The difference being that she is the one who walked away 1 1/2 years ago. Our final decree is about one year old. On the day the court mandated her to leave, she scotch taped a note to each on a scrap piece of paper on their TV sets that said, "Call me. I love you, Mom". Never said goodbye. Just to note I kept asking her to stay and raise our children.

 

All three, 21, 19 and 14 have not iniated contact with her in this time frame. When she first served me and then was not awarded the children and the house, she used to call them several times a day (I got all of them cell phones so she could talk to them) but they would not answer her calls. She used to sit in her car in front of my house for any hour and call them repeatly. They knew where she was but would not speak to her. She would come by for the specified time for visitation with the one minor children but he would refuse to go with her. I left the decision up to him without interference on my part. But she of course blamed this on me. I have had him in therapy and the counselor concurs that this might not be the time to have a relationship with his mother because she was not acting in a stable fashion and he needs stability. He has seen the radical change in her demeanor.

 

She has taken no responsibility for her actions or demeanor towards me or the boys and their reaction to it. She claims that I have brainwashed them. She can not accept the that it was her irrational and hostile behavior coupled with her uncaring and non-compassionate attitude has fueled the rift between them.

 

The two older boys have refused to discuss with one another or myself anything to do with their mother. They speak to her only when they get tired of her calling repeatedly. She begs, sweet talks, or guilts them into coming to her house for dinner every month or so. My youngest never goes even when I tell him that I will drive him over there or for a couples of hours with one of his brothers just for dinner. They ignore the "sugary sweet" talk by her. They know it is just an attempt to get on their good side. My youngest has told her that she is acting phoney and he does not like it. She smiles and denies it.

 

Not a tear has been shed on her part for breaking up a family because she was unhappy in her life situation and wanted to be on her own. I cannot help the relationship she has with her children because the communication breakdown that happened during my ex-wife's episodes has carried over. Situations are hard to improve upon when we deny what is simply because we want it to be otherwise. Acceptance is the key.

[fivekidz]

I am in a similar situation. My oldest daughter (15 yrs. old) also says she hates me because I divorced her father 4 years ago. We were married 14 years. He was controlling and manipulative. I have 3 other children by him that are 13 yrs old and 7 year old twins. Two years ago he moved out of state thousands of miles away so he doesn't see his kids. My oldest lived with him for 6 months and then wanted to come back. She came back for six months and she was way out of control. Failing school, being verbally and physically abusive to me and her siblings. I recently sent her back to live with her dad. It's heartbreaking that she chose to live away from her siblings and the rest of her extended family because of her hatred towards me. I tried counseling with her but she would not talk about the divorce, so that didn't help. She blames me and believes every lie her father tells her. I don't know what to do about making her understand that I ended my relationship with her father and not her or make her understand the reasons. I've tried explaining without saying anything bad about her father but she won't listen. So now it's like I don't have her for my daughter anymore. I know she's really hurting because I tried talking to her on the phone and as soon as she heard my voice she started crying and hung up. I've sent emails but she won't respond. So I guess I have to let go and let time heal.

[ArianaK]

I'm reading everyone's replies and rings somewhat true to my situation. I just filed divorce 4 months from my husband of 17 years. 2 boys ages 9 & 13. My boys turned against me. They ask how can a mother breakup the family? My eldest even told me he's done with me and doesn't want anything to do with me. He wants to divorce me. He's very vocal about his feelings. I love them and I keep explaining to them this is not about them and they didn't cause this. I keep telling them I love them but seems to me it's not sinking in. They live with their dad. He is a manipulator and a narcissist who denies doing anything wrong. He did fess up to a lot of things but he has a way of manipulating and turning things his way. I went away for the weekend when I told him about the divorce and he called it abandonment. He told me I'm an aweful person for breaking up the family and on and on.

All I want is someone to tell me that its gonna be fine! I'm alone with no other family around I can go to.

[Capricorn3]

Welcome to ENA.

 

ArianaK, This thread is almost seven years old and the original poster has never been back since 2006. It would probably be a good idea to start your own thread so that you get responses to your own questions. Thanks!

 

Thread Closed.