the last saga

[teacup]

this is the end chapter to my tale of abuse. i have been abused again. and i feel violently sick, ill and disgusted at the moment. i have been used sexually. the guy i was "dating", i ignored all the warning signs about him at my own expense. he never wanted anything more from me than just sex. and he showed his true colors right after it. withholding, shutting me out. then he tried to slam his door on me, and threatened to call the police saying i am a "crazy" person. then he tried to pin the blame for all that had happened on me.

 

i always knew something was wrong with him, but i denied it. and now the evidence is too large to hide. the drinking, and yesterday, i saw him with his eyes reddened. he said it was allergies from cats. but i believe it was drugs (exctasy). it makes me violently ill.

 

i feel violated. i feel raped. i feel betrayed. i am traumatized, i am sick, ill, and i want to cut myself. i am punishing myself emotionally but he is a crazy crazy bad person. he pretended he wanted love, that he wanted a relationship, but his true colors are evident and it sickens me to my core. no one deserves to be hurt or treated badly.

 

i am shaking, my hands trembling. sex is something precious to me, sex is something i value. i do not believe in casual sex, not for me because i have high attachment, and sensitive feelings. i feel dirty, i feel like a * * * * * and no one deserves this. i dont know how i am going to go on.

 

please pray for me, my soul, and pray that i don't have an std of any kind. there are a lot of sick ppl out there. and this i swear upon my grave will be the last saga that occurs. i cannot endure this anymore. i am a kind, wonderful, loving, giving, sensitive, caring, nice person. i value others. i treat others well. i have love for life but these violations of who i am......i feel violently ill.

 

this thing lasted 4 1/2 months but i will never ignore subtle warning signs ever again. instincts are the best thing we have, it's been proven to me. he always said i was "overanalyzing" and "thinking too much" but i was right all along. i will never be a victim or prey again.

 

if i come through this thing.....i will never again let others violate me. i will never be that person that hurts others because i know how much it hurts and it sickens me. as god is my witness...so help me god.....never again.

[altosinger314]

There is no way that this is your fault. He led you on, he deceived you, and maybe you should consider reporting him. He is just making you feel like it's your fault when he knows that he could get in trouble. Call a hotline or be with a friend right now. I hope everything works out...

[teacup]

he is very twisted. but it is weird how he can appear so normal and intelligent. i always felt something was wrong. he blames me for everything. he makes a ton of excuses for himself and takes no responsibility for his behavior. he makes promises easily. he never wanted to pay for dates or take me out. he denies everything. he says that he thought i was okay with it, when i have told him a million times that i do not like casual sex and he said "me neither". he is a liar, dishonest, manipulative..........

 

i tried to throw up so many times yesterday night but my stomach was empty.

[robowarrior]

The cruel reality of this however is that your brought yourself into this situation. Let's talk a little bit about 'gateways' here.

 

Some gateways lead to darkness in your life, and some gateways to happyness. Its important that you 'shut out' and close all those decisions in your life that will lead towards misery. That is why you need to learn that 'almost all people' are lead by selfish desires in almost all what they do. If you expose yourself to people that are led solemly by selfish desires, then its not strange that you will get hurt. Although much is left to be desired, i want you to 'stay out of trouble'.

 

Stay away from people that emotionally hurt you, its better to be alone then to be with someone that ruins your life. Run away from this guy, and never let him back into your life. Say 'STOP, to here and no further'.

[altosinger314]

He could be some sort of psycho- or sociopath. Those people aren't that common, but they're not that uncommon, either. Stay far away from him.

[teacup]

yes. STOP. no more. i am OUT. i really truly am. no more. i know if i continue this anymore, if i ever ignore the warning signs again, i know i will die.

 

he was stringing me along for the longest time. offering to go with me to a restaurant i really wanted to go to, but never wanting to set a date. he keyed my car, i am sure it was him. he promised he would never hurt me. it was lies, all lies.

 

the way he excused his drunk driving, the way he wouldn't take responsibility for it. the way he had an argument for all my opinions, convincing me that i was wrong and wouldn't let go of it when i didn't want to listen anymore. convincing me that my mom was wrong.

 

the mental and verbal word games. he told me his mom was a little "off".

 

i had feelings for him, it hurts to be used and to have the person who used you not care an ounce or shred for your feelings, thoughts or cares.

 

i am writing this to overcome my pain.

[altosinger314]

awww, i hope everything works out. *hug* you're being a very brave person. Don't hurt yourself, he's done enough.

[Bethany]

Why did he slam the door on you and threaten to call the police saying you're a crazy person?

[teacup]

i was crying really hard because of the way he had been treating me and i knocked on his door and wanted to talk to him. he opened the door a little bit and he was on the phone, i told him i wanted to talk to him, and he said "not now" but i said i would wait until his phone call was done. i told him i wanted to talk to him really badly, i was crying because i was so hurt and that is why.

 

i had said to him before "i dont think some men have an emotional bond with women after sex" and he denied it all, he was pretending that men do have an emotional bond with women after sex. it was all a game to him.

 

my pain doesn't come from the fact that we "broke it off". no, that doesn't matter. i do not want to be near such a horrible person, the further away i am the better. my pain comes from the fact that i did not protect myself, that i let myself be used, and that i cared for him so blindly that i betrayed myself and it sickens me. nobody deserves to be treated this way.

 

my first warning should have been when i started to notice that strangers were nicer to me in little ways than he was. when i was ready to cry because a stranger opened a door for me or showed a small simple kindness to me.

[DN]

teacup, you must be careful here. If you go to his house and he doesn't want to let you in and you try to make him that is behaviour that could get you arrested if he did call the police. It is not considered abusive behaviour if someone doesn't want to talk to you or to let you into their house. Nor has he committed any sort of crime because you had sex together and now he doesn't want you any more. It may not be good behaviour but it neither psychopathic nor sociopathic.

[shyanne]

sad story teacup. i don't know anything about dating or casual sex but i know what i'm reading here is wrong. doesn't matter who was wrong in this case, the point is you feel hurt and used. i can't say i know what it's like but i know you can use this experience to better yourself. we learn from our mistakes, pain is our great teacher. when you really like someone it's easy to believe them. we hope what they tell us is true and when it's not we blame ourselves. blaming yourself is one thing and i believe it will help you not make the same mistake again but to feel like hurting yourself because of it is wrong. no person, man or woman is worth hurting/cutting yourself. time heals everything. this will make you more wise and maybe help your future relationships. we all have good instincts but we don't all know how to use them. always go with your gut feelings about someone, chances are your right.

[annie24]

I agree with DN. You two had a consensual relationship, and I'm sorry it didn't work out, but what happened does not qualify as abuse. But, knocking on his door, demanding in, that can get YOU arrested. You don't want that.

 

Leave this guy alone, and I think you should talk to a psychologist or psychatrist to work out your issues.

[teacup]

okay. i do not understand why some of you are getting technical. but let's put it this way. i never called this "rape". no, it doesnt qualify as that because i never said "no". but if i want to peg it, it is called "sexual exploitation" of a younger woman by an older man.

 

stringing someone along, lying to them, being dishonest and deceptive, saying he wants a relationship and love, making false promises, basically...he was preying upon my feelings of love and affection for him to get what he wants. he is pretty sick. i had made it clear numerous times that "i do not like casual sex and i want a relationship"....over and over and over again.....i made it so clear to him that the only other way it could have been clearer was if i had wrote it upon my forehead.

 

i wasnt trying to force my way into his house. i was just crying and pleading with him that i wanted to talk to him and he humiliated and demeaned me.....he took all the selfrespect and dignity that i had....i had my hand in the doorway, but there was no reason that he had to mention anything about the "police" or me being "crazy". he just did it as a way to hurt me and make me feel crazy.

 

and yes it is abuse....anyone who has been through the dynamics of abuse will be able to see the clear threads of it. luckily, i talked to a counselor who was able to make me see and understand it clearly but i appreciate anyone who does not understand to please not step in this thread because putting me on defensive is something you do NOT do to someone who is trying to explain what happened to them.

 

okay but guess what happened at the end of that day when he threatened to call the police on this crazy person in 5 seconds? he hugged me and told me that he liked me too and that if i wanted to, i could call him wednesday.

 

it was all these weird little things........he knew he had a hook in me. and i was stupid enough to allow the dynamic to be set up this way. and he is manipulative enough to know how to pin the blame on me. everything was always my fault, he was always blaming me and never took responsibility for his actions.

 

it was all a vicious game. a pattern of rejection, chasing, and control dynamic. i always knew there was something weird about his control of time. it just didn't feel normal.

 

all that i pray for now is that my body and mind are healthy and free from disease, std, and pregnancy so that i can continue to live and this time around....to live better.

 

*sigh*

[Hope75]

stringing someone along, lying to them, being dishonest and deceptive, saying he wants a relationship and love, making false promises, basically...he was preying upon my feelings of love and affection for him to get what he wants. he is pretty sick. i had made it clear numerous times that "i do not like casual sex and i want a relationship"....over and over and over again.....i made it so clear to him that the only other way it could have been clearer was if i had wrote it upon my forehead.

 

Teacup,

 

this behaviour is indeed in poor taste, but by no means is it any kind of abuse. You saw this coming for awhile, you said so yourself- and you ignored the red flags and slept with him anyway.

 

Then you cry out that you were again abused.

 

 

I cannot help but feel after reading all of your posts that you continue to put yourself in this situation and seem to thrive on the attention it gets you.

 

You are still not taking responsibility for yourself and what you let yourself get into. You say this is an older man taking advantage of a younger woman, and that may be true, but you are a 28 year old woman, by no means a child or a teen, and need to start taking responsibility here.

 

You've seen it again and again, and you are the only one who is going to stop putting yourself in these situations.

 

When will you take responsibility for yourself?

[teacup]

i didn't exactly call it abuse either. but there's a lot of things wrong here and it bothers me. i dont exactly seek sympathy but rather understanding.

 

it helps me to speak about my feelings and experiences and perhaps it will help someone who has been in the situation i have. BUT you know what? at this point, this place is hurting me more than it's helping. i do not want your judgemental views. i dont need it.

 

how would you know what it's like? i was the one who had to live through the experience.

 

 

im out of here.

[DN]

i didn't exactly call it abuse either. but there's a lot of things wrong here and it bothers me.

 

From your first post on this thread:

this is the end chapter to my tale of abuse. i have been abused again. and i feel violently sick, ill and disgusted at the moment. i have been used sexually. the guy i was "dating",

[Hope75]

this is the end chapter to my tale of abuse. i have been abused again. and i feel violently sick, ill and disgusted at the moment. i have been used sexually.

 

the guy i was "dating", i ignored all the warning signs about him at my own expense. he never wanted anything more from me than just sex. i always knew something was wrong with him, but i denied it.

 

I can only make statements based on what you yourself wrote.

[shyanne]

teacup, don't be so quick to leave. like you said, you wrote your story to overcome your pain and i hope it helped some. i don't think anyone here put you down. don't take what they say to heart, learn from what happened, reread what others said and use this to better yourself... good luck, hope to see your future posts.

[yeawutever]

Actually if u knew the red flags and also that he's a lying bastard then why did u go ahead sleep with him anyways, only 4-5 months of knowing him. If there was somehting wrong, it was you. Now, wut ur doing is playing victim once again, saying how u got use again and feel like he rape you, when u knew this was coming. Coming to his house and trying forcing him to open the door, now that's invasion, that's intruding and u could have gotten in problem if he decided to call the police.

[annie24]

I have to say, some of the advice I've gotten on this site that I've liked the least has been the most valuable to me. I've definitely gotten some advice (from DN especially!) that I didn't like at first, but once I sat down and thought about it, I thought it was the right way to go.

 

I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, because of my school issues. I've found them to be a really great help. I'm glad I made the decision to go to therapy and talk things out. I hope you do too.

[Beyondthesea]

Sadly I agree teacup. Your posts are always plagued with tales of abuse you have suffered...how do you continue to allow yourself to get into these situations?

 

You know the red flags, you know that you keep allowing yourself to get into these situations, you knew he was no good...then why do you choose to allow yourself to be abused? STOP IT!!!

 

Teacup, no one can help you but you. You must learn that you need time to yourself to sort through your problems and learn to avoid abusive individuals.

 

I am not passing any judgement but what I have seen over and over with you. I'm sorry, but sometimes the truth hurts. I have never seen someone who has attracted so many abusive people. Why do you allow yourself to get into these situations? That is the question you must ask yourself.

[Hope75]

At a certain point when someone continues to get involved with the same type of person and ignore the red flags time and time again, they stop being a "victim" and start being a willing participant.

 

Teacup, you are very knowledgable about the cycles and patterns of abuse. You point out that these men you date show red flags popping up all left and right and you close your eyes and continue merriily on your way, and then when the inevitable occurs, you seem so shocked and disgusted that you were treated this way.

 

At a certain point you need to apply the knowedge because if not you are not a victim, but a willing participant.

[teacup]

of course i cannot completely blame him for what happened. i do not even think that it is useful to pass around blame or to blame at this point. what good does blame do? but i do seek to try and understand what happened.

 

there were plenty of things that i did and didn't do that resulted in what happened as well. that doesn't diminish what he did but i could definitely have taken steps to stop.

 

well, it all makes me very sad that he does not accept my loving and caring. im pretty torn. part of me is sad because he did not care for my thoughts, feelings, or have concern for me as a human being. part of me is confused and wonders if it would have been different if he had not had drug and alcohol issues. part of me is sad that it had to come to this....i do think he is not a healthy person...i am sad for the healthy person he could have been....overall, i am very confused. i do think he was dishonest and selfish...part of me thinks he will descend into alcoholism because his friends all drink a lot.....part of me is glad...i guess as a form of revenge.

 

it is a heavy load of feelings and emotions. as long as no permanent damage was done to me (in the form of stds) then i will be fine and contribute to this world as a better person.

 

i dont really appreciate the comments putting it on me though.....im perfectly aware of my faults and actions. but i do have a vulnerability and attachment and affection for men who are not there for me. partially because i want lots of love but also because i am partially emotionally unavailable as well.

 

then again, part of his moral deterioration may be the result of alcohol. i haven't met anyone quite like him before. charming, intelligent, handsome, seemingly honest, but also closed, deceptive and in denial. i did speak with an addictions counselor who said that at this point, he may not be capable of having a relationship, his emotions are all towards the chemical he is dependent on.....then again, he could have been just not that into me. probably both. but he always seemed very emotionally aloof and not there even in the very beginning and i just have not experienced being with anyone like that.

 

but i think some of you should realize certain things:

 

1. processing of emotions takes time, and the emotions that we go through vary....look at what i felt in the beginning and the development of those emotions and thoughts over a period of several days.

 

2. it is ALWAYS hard to walk away from someone you care about, there is grief, loss, anger, blame, guilt - even when you know the person isn't right for you.

 

3. some of you assume it is way too easy to just detach, but that's just not how it is. sometimes a person hurts you but you care so much for them......i know women do this all the time. but this time it ended in 4 1/2 months for me versus the 6 years i went through before. what's more, i still went to work and school instead of sulking in my room and sleeping it all away.

 

4. it is hard when u care for someone and you see the potential of who they could be vs. who they really are and have become. im a sucker for this. i wonder why i am a 'fixer'. why do i try to rescue ppl from themselves when they don't want to be rescued? it is a symptom of my caring because if i didn't care, i wouldn't try.

 

5. i talked with a rape and crisis counselor (not because i believe i was raped but because i was experiencing feelings that were traumatic). the counselor told me that i gave sex to him because i cared for him, liked him, felt affection for him and because it was an experience i wanted to share with him. she said that it was him who brought down the value of it, who made it feel cheap and dirty once i realized that to him it didn't mean anything. so she said, i did not need to feel ashamed because i was coming from a place of love.

 

the difficult thing about it....dating him was i felt like......i couldn't reach him emotionally. i felt like he was never really there at all. even though he was mentally and physically there, for some reason i could not connect to him or reach him on an emotional level. and it's strange because i am very good at connecting to ppl emotionally....im very good at being close to ppl. but i always felt he was.....not there. it's sad, i wonder at the person he could have been....who was he before? what was he like before? what could have been? but yet, what are the point to these answers right?

 

i miss him but yet i accept his absense. i like him yet we both knew that there wasn't ever really going to be a result to this. he was white. im not. he is poor. i am not and am afraid of poverty. he is older, i am much younger. he is stuck in a dead end job, i want to move up. he has no goals and ambitions, i do. he drinks and i think he drops e and hasn't grown up, i don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. his family is rather broken i would say, i have a good family. he makes $13.50 an hour, i aspire to be well off financially. he has been with many women, i don't want to be with a lot of men. we have no interests in common though he doesn't seem to do much besides watch tv, drink lots of beer and play videogames. i feel like im from a higher socioeconomic background.

 

we were both intelligent. i felt like we clicked so well in person and had fun. but then i wonder at his feelings...where did they go? how is it possible to be so emotionally unavailable and aloof? he has different values from me. we both loved reading, but different types of books. he couldn't admit that drunk driving is not right.......somewhere inside is a good person i think....yet why is he so blaming, in denial, and so selfish, hurtful and uncaring?

 

come to think of it, we did have a good time in bed. but i value sex more highly than that. i dont want a disease. i dont want to sleep around casually. i would rather be with someone who deeply connects with me on all levels. oy oy oy.........and then, why did i feel like he always tries to control time and puts me on his time schedule? doesn't honor my requests?

 

i am not even sure if he and i can be friends. i am not sure the basis for a friendship is there. afterall, he doesn't care about me. he told me i am a "nice, nice girl". geez. but most of all, i think we cannot be friends because i do not think he is very honest and im not sure if i can or want to accept someone who makes excuses or who does not say the truth but instead says whatever in order to get what he wants. again, i think a lot of this goes back to his drinking. but he is very charming.

 

let's just say im confused.