Very hurt and very confused

[bdwiii]

Ok, this is not an ordinary situation, however, I need someone else's input on this one.

I've had an on and off relationship with a girl for just shy of two years now. We've definitely had our ups and downs to say the least.

Now to the heart of the matter; after the last time we were together, all of a year had passed and I actually never thought I'd hear from her again, then one day, out of the blue, I ran into her again, and a few days later, she called me and wanted to come over. I said yes, and she wound up staying here with me from Thanksgiving through December 16th. On that day, I got a call telling me that she had been picked up on an outstanding warrant she had which I had no knowledge of. Well, there wasn't much I could really do about it; she wound up in jail and has been finishing out her time there. We've stayed in contact through phone calls and letters, and I have been putting money on her books to see that she got things she needed while in there.

Now, here's the problem; before she went in there, she told me she was pregnant. She told me it was mine, and that she wanted to keep it. Well, for all of three months now, she had me believing that this child was mine, and then, just two nights ago, she calls me and we get to talking about the subject, and she says, "I have to tell you something" and that "something" was that in reality, this child is not mine. It turns out its some black guy's who she was with 6 months ago while in another state! I'm devastated to say the least, when she told me this, my hands started shaking, my heart started pounding in my chest, and I felt sick. I kept asking her why she would do this to me, and she said because she thought I would hate her for it and never want to see her again. Well, now she's 6 months pregnant, too late to get an abortion, and of course, is going to have this child. She says she's going to give it up for adoption, but that remains to be seen yet. My first instincts were to tell her forget it, it's over, and to be done with her for deceiving me like this. But I love her, and she tells me she loves me, and wants to be with me. But this is just so hard on me; I can't stand the thought that she has someone else's baby, a black guy's nonetheless, inside her, and is going to give birth to this child. I can only imagine what my friends and family would say if they knew this. I do want to be with her, but I just don't know if I can get past this emotionally or otherwise. Incidentally, she was with this guy two months before we got back together, in other words, while we were apart.

I need some advice and some input on this one. Please, what are your thoughts on this?

[melrich]

No that is too much. For 3 months she had you thinking you were going to be a father, then she ripped the lie from under your feet.

 

Whether she fully thought through the consequences of this lie or not, that is not the sort of person you should be pursuing any sort of committed relationship with.

 

I can't think of too many worse lies to perpetuate on someone.

[ElektraHere]

First off an outstanding warrant??? RED FLAG!!!!!

 

Second she miraculously shows up on your door step and then after lock up says she's prego with your baby????? LIAR RED FLAG!!!!

 

Third putting $$$ on her books while in jail doesnt she have any $$$ or others that could of helped???? RED FLAG

 

Fourth she is scamming you and you are alllowing it to happen. She sees an opportunity and is going full steam ahead. As for the baby where is the father? Doesnt he need to be involved or at least told he has a baby on the way???

 

One thing you said that troubles me deeply is that you are mad about it being a "black guys baby." I can see you being upset that she is pregnant with another mans child but not because he is black. That sounds very racist. And if you were to stay with this opportunistic person how would you be around HER baby?

[DN]

Too many lies, too many crimes, too many problems.

 

Best to let her go and find someone who has a better understanding of the difference between right and wrong. How could you ever trust anything she ever said?

[meli]

to put it nice and simple....

 

get out of this relationship while you can

 

find a nice normal person who is honest with you

 

there is a reason it was off and on again, because its not meant to be

 

good luck

 

have faith that you will find Mrs. Right

 

and you will know it for sure when you find her

[ShySoul]

Yes, get out of the relationship. However, you can still do it in a polite and mature way that shows that you do care about her. Let her know that you love her and want to see her happy. Try to get her to see that she needs to turn her life around, that the child is going to need support and should have a loving and together mom. You can try to point her to the direction of help for herself, but you can't do everything for her.

 

I'm also troubled that you are so angry about it being a "black guys" baby. Regardless of who the father is, or what race he is, the child deserves the same level of respect as any human being is entitled to. I think that is also another reason to not be involved with her, you wouldn't be able to treat her baby well for a silly reason like race. And even if she gives it up for adoption, she may want to be able to have contact with it eventually and would need your support in going through the difficult process and emotions. I don't think you would be able to give that to her.

[bdwiii]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I've taken them to heart, and yes, you're all right in everything you've said. There's a lot more to this all than I wanted to expose, but the heart of the matter was this, and I appreciate the replies. Just yesterday, a friend of hers stopped by to see me and filled me in on a lot of things that I hadn't known. Trust me, what she told me wasn't good at all, it was mortifying to say the least. So, yes, I was being scammed, used, however you want to put it.

 

I also know where some of you were coming from with the "racial" thing, but if you knew the caliber of this guy, or now as I've learned, guys, you might feel the same way too. It's just a personal thing with me; I don't believe in interracial (sexual) relationships. But that's just me, so yeah, I do have a problem with it.

 

Thanks again for all your replies

[ShySoul]

Good that you are not going to fall for her stuff anymore.

 

On the racial thing, this guy could be a horrible person, and you would be right in not liking him. But he doesn't reflect every other black person. Other blacks shouldn't be judged poorly because of him. And the baby had nothing to do with either parents mistakes, so you shouldn't be judging him on things he had nothing to do with. I have both black and white in me, though I don't appear black based upon skin color. And I like to think I'm a good person. So skin color has nothing to do with who the person is. There are jerks like that who are white as well. And there are black guys who are the nicest you will ever meet. Just something to think about.