My Story, a lesson to anyone doing the "friends" thing

[Diggitydave]

My story is me and my ex broke up 3 months ago but decided to try "the friends" thing. BUt the truth was she was really unhappy with me even though she says i was a great boyfriend. I dunno, don't ask lol.

 

So we tried to kinda talk for three months, that didn't work out because my feelings were soo strong and hers weren't apparently. Then when I finally decided I wanted to be apart from her so i could get over it, she kinda let me, then she called and kept having to remind me that she didn't want to be with me etc because when she called I took that as an affectionate move etc.

 

So anyway, now I am literally in DAY 1 of NC and it's an hour by hour thing and I miss her greatly already, i can barely eat, have no motivation to do anything, work, laundry, dishes, hang out etc. every minute seems like a year and i feel completely worthless, rejected, abandoned, destroyed, and helpless, almost suicidal.

 

She never really showed me affection the way I wanted it. I really wanted to be loved and I gave her unconditional love and went well beyond my means to show it. She has a 4 year old daughter who I also loved as my own. Not saying I was faultless, at times i was very clingy and over emotional. I am a very emotional guy and i guess I just wanted love and affection.

 

Now it's over and after making the mistake of dragging it out for 3 months and attempting to be friends and going on and off with NC and getting into hysterical arguments (on my side), it's back to day/square 1 and I am lost!

 

 

To anyone out there who just broke up and are trying to do the "friends" thing. Unless you are completely null and void of any feelings emotionally and so is your ex, Don't do it!

[munchkin]

I have found out the painful way that you need to give it time to be friends with your ex. I split with mine 5 months ago, we dd the NC thing for a couple months, and then tried to do the friend thing, but I was still angry at her, (our relationship was very onesided also she was the onr who wasnt interested) we tried to chat on a few occaisions but just ended up arguing or hurting each other, in the meantime I have been very depressed and down.

 

At the weekend I realised I was still to anrgy with her to be able to form any kind of friendship and I feel she is to but she wont admit to it, so I cut contact my choice, said I may be in touch in the future. Since then I have been feeling so much better about myself and I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from my mind, the depression seems to have gone away and I am going wi the flo once again. I think it is because it is on my terms now, not hers (s she asked for the NC before)

 

I still like to think that in the future we may try again, but I am no longer wanting it nd getting depressed when I dont get anything back from her!

[Dako]

Sorry you've had such a setback in healing. I hope you can go without contact until you're recovered and strong. You'll get there, even though life looks crappy today.

 

I'm doing the friends thing, but we do treat each other very gently. There's no blame or demands to start friction. We both respect each other and want to be friends for life. I honestly wouldn't recommend it to anyone because of the added pressure, but I got this far and will hang in there for the long haul.

[LostInTranslation]

Dave,

 

I am sorry to hear about the pain you are enduring right now. You are making a wise decision to walk away from being "friends." I did the whole "friends" thing for six months and then again for two months after she came back after NC. They were just failed attempts of holding on to someone who just did not want to be with me.

 

I, too, am also dealing with the loss of my ex-girlfriend's daughter. It hurts more when you're losing two people instead of one. I miss them both so much, but I know it is for the best to move on without them.

 

I also struggled in my relationship about being clingy and over obsessive at times, but I realized it was due to just not receiving enough after giving so much ... just like you. But now that the air has cleared, I can work on my problems as an individual and hopefully apply what I learned to my next relationship.

 

The pain was excruciating at first. I drove myself insane wondering where she was, who she was with, etc. But the fact remains she was just not the right girl. Here I am six weeks later and feeling a lot better. It will take time, but the pain will begin to fade. You've already made progress by admitting your faults in the relationship. Continue to work on improving yourself and moving on.

 

I wish the best of luck to you in your recovery. You will be fine. I guarantee she will be back after you apply NC for a good amount of time. She will miss you and panic after she feels you slipping away. But just remember how it felt when you weren't happy in your relationship. For me, the pain of being without her is easier to endure than the pain of being with her. If I have any further advice ... don't rebound with random girls. I did that and it made me feel worse.

[keenan]

Sorry you're suffering, DDave. NC takes a lot of strength and courage. Hang in there, and post as often as you need to.

 

My ex and I doing the friends thing for now, but it's super hard. It requires lots of self-control for both of us, and causes us lots of secret suffering. Three steps forward, two and a half steps back. I'm going to keep trying to make it work because we both really want this friendship...but I think it's the long & winding route to recovery, for sure.

 

Stay strong....

[NJRon]

Yeah, I'm doing the friends thing with my ex too. Mainly because I still want contact with her daughter. If it weren't for her, I would probably just kill the whole friendhsip thing.

 

Either way is tough... just different kinds of tough.

 

Hang in there

[Diggitydave]

Thank you all for listening, it is nice to know there are others out there yanno? Sometimes you feel like you are the only one. You walk through the day going "man I bet that person isn't dealing with this pain". I read somewhere that a psychologist said that a break up or a divorce can be considered worse then a death in the family because someone around us straight up just volunteered to not be around or love us anymore leaving us with a feeling of inadequacy.

[Diggitydave]

So you're broken up

(my Fears)

 

1- a fear that your ex is going around telling everyone of how you didn't measure up, and how I was this that or the other thing when I know I wasn't that bad.

 

2. I know I was clingy and obsessive towards the end, this is because I didn't want to lose her and wasn't getting any affection, Yes I am a man and I think we need affection too I overcompensated and tried to give her every possible outlet of my lifeto hold on. I should've seen this as a sign.

 

Ok so I have these fears and I think I know why

 

I want to try and fix them if they're true. If i was a certain way towards the end of the relationship then possibly I thought i was doing something wrong when I really wasn't and trying to hold on to something that wasn't there.

 

I keep kicking myself saying I could've done this better, and if only I could've done this. and if I could just prove to her that I could do this, it would change things etc. This thought process won't stop and I feel I am completely to blame for everything. Somewhere in my heart I felt hung out to dry for the latter part of the relationship and starved of love altogether.

 

She has told me countless times, it is not my fault, i was a great boyfriend. I don't know why but I don't believe her, at all. and I just want to find out and I always ask her, did i fall short somewhere? was i not good enough? and she keeps saying no but for some reason I don't believe it because I think in my heart because i was being too clingy and obsessive at the end that that is what blew it but I was only that way because i felt like i was holding on.

 

This is my break NC weakness. but im doin ok so far i know if i call it'll just hurt me.

[ShySoul]

I may be the exception or just odd, but I found the NC thing to not work for me. She stayed on my mind just as much and the feelings were still there. And there was still a rush of panic the couple times we breifly (as in 2 minutes) messaged each other to say happy thanksgiving or merry christmas (still can be polite even if we aren't talking).

 

I would rather just be friends with the person, even if somewhere in my heart I still want to be with them. Because above all us, even if we aren't in a relationship, we are friends first and foremost. The pain of seeing her but not being with her is small in comparison to the pain of not having her in my life at all.

 

DD, the fears that you have are normally. Everyone feels them. She probably has moments where she feels the same. But in time it gets better. In time you can work it out and will see that it wasn't you or her, it was a matter of not being right for each other. I hope that day comes soon for you and that you don't suffer that much.

[ut_longhorn]

i dont know...is it tougher being friends? or is it tougher with NC. its pretty damn tough either way.

[Diggitydave]

Well some of us are weaker than others. If you can do that, by all means. I know even a "hello" is bad for me. This might make it make more sense to you in my case anyway

 

anything that has to do with the year 2005

anything that has to do with having a child

any food she ate or we ever ate together

any place we ever went to

any body with her name

any mutual friend

anything that has a relationship that has to do anything with her or anything we did makes me sick and want to die.

 

 

Obviously this isn't a healthy outlook on life right now but as you can see I took this very hard because I thought she was the love of my life and the one I was going to be with forever and now she's gone. So yeah, we can't talk.

 

 

David

[Dako]

It sucks either way. I'd think breaking up is hard, but trying to stay civil and not say hurtful things takes more self-control. Every conversation has triggers for your emotions. It's easier to forget someone if you go NC.

[Diggitydave]

Well when we talk i never have a problem with staying civil, i mean sometimes I weep and got upset, but it's the days following the conversation.

[NJRon]

Yeah, it's rough. That's why you need to make memories with other people in order to start releasing those old ones. It's better, in the beginning, if you can make those memories with people that you know will never leave you... friends and family. Later, someone special will come along and you can make new ones with them.

[octopus]

Or... you can do like me and "invent" memory.

 

I've been going to a different state every weekend since we broke up, all by myself, and doing things, seeing places. meet up with friends if applicable.

 

Not only do I get time alone with myself, but also I create new memories, new adventures... try to read and write some.. Take pictures..Cry, cry , cry...

 

Otherwise the sweet memories we had will eat me alive, I know.

[renaissancewoman101]

Another way is to do what I did and move halfway accross the country and start over anew w/o ANYTHING to remind me of the ex. Mine's was drastic but it was my only way to deal with my ex dumping me since my best friend had also moved away and there was nothing left back out there except a bunch of unhappy memories and unfulfilled dreams.

[Diggitydave]

Can someone save this post and in two weeks repost it for me, just to show me that i was on day 1 at this time.

[Diggitydave]

I would do that if I wasn't in school again

[NJRon]

I sold my house, got rid of 75% of my belongings and entirely changed my lifestyle. unfortunately, I live in the same state.

[Diggitydave]

I came to grips with the fact that I was clingy and needed real love before her and I didn't want to seem that way but when she started drifting, more and more my clinginess and starved love came to the surface. She was giving me enough to keep me going and I sucked her dry. I still feel like this was all my fault, even though she has told me many times it's not, is she just telling me what i want to hear, i just want the truth.

[NJRon]

No, I owuld probably take what she is saying at face value. She is sharing the responibility for the failure of the relationship. Realize that neither of you are perfect and, though both of you contributed to the break down, neither of you are solely responsible. Own your own contributions and release the rest.