Possible relationship

[PhoenixFeather]

Hello, I'm new to this forum and i have a concern about a possible relationship. I've read lots of the topics in this section to read you views, but i thought'd i'd write my own problem to see what you say!

(Oh, and im a christian from England if there are some things that sound weird to you!)

 

I have recently found out about a guy that has developed feelings for me at the church i go to. i've known him for about 3 years now and we get along really well. He's 27 and i'm 17, and i think im quite mature for my age. I'm not sure that the age gap in itself is not an issue, and if anything did happen i would like to wait until im 18 (october) before anything happens, for my parents sake and mine. do you think this is unwise?

 

Another thing, he used to be youth leader at our church, and now he is assistant pastor, does this/should it change anything? he's still human and has feelings like the rest of us. He sacrificed all relationships when he started work for the church for these past 10 years, so hes very much in the same mindset as me, just wants to have innocent fun and get to know eachother.

 

I'm obviously going to give us time to get to know eachother and not rush into anything, afterall im not the person to mess around. I'm also going to spend a good deal of time praying.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

~phoenix feather~

[Scout]

Other people may disagree with me, but I am concerned that someone who was recently a youth pastor is romantically interested in someone as young as you are.

 

You may consider yourself mature, but I question the maturity of a 27 year old man who is romantically interested in a teenager.

 

That's my take on your situation. Be careful...I'm sensing some red flags about this guy.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

i know i'm in a situation with an older guy, but still honey, ten years? don't you worry about why someone so dramatically age different then you, is interested in you? well, it's your life and your choice, just be safe. ( and i DO reccomend telling your parents, considering if your living with them and their responsible for you, they have a right to know)

[PhoenixFeather]

I will be telling my parents if anything develops, i have a close relationship with them and i consider myself lucky that i have parents who are reasonable and understanding.

 

I really dont know what to think? 10 years is a bigger age gap than i ever imagined, and after all i am still only 17.

[Scout]

It's a big gap in any case, but at 17 versus 27, the maturity and life experience gap is dramatically huge.

 

I guess I feel this man's feelings for you are inappropriate.

[BellaDonna]

I have recently found out about a guy that has developed feelings for me at the church i go to.

 

How did you find this out?

 

Did he tell you?

 

If so- how did he go about it?

 

Other people may disagree with me, but I am concerned that someone who was recently a youth pastor is romantically interested in someone as young as you are

 

I do agree with Scout on that one. However, I need a little more information, such as how he has made his attraction known to you.

 

It is troubeling if someone in a position of power/influence (especially religious influence) takes advantage of their position to pursue a romantic interest. At the same time, you are almost 18, and if he acted like a genlteman about and has not pursued it (especially while you were IN the youth group- he was leading)- then it makes it a little different.

 

I need to know a little more about him and his behavior toward you, then and now, before I can truly give any advice.

 

You should probably talk to your parents about this now too. There's no need to wait in case something develops. See what they think of his mere interest in you.

 

 

BellaDonna

[ShySoul]

A 10 year age gap does not have to be a sign of trouble or bad intentions on a guys part. My brother dated a girl who was ten years younger then him. I believe she was 16 to 18 and he was 26 to 28 when they were going out. He was nothing but loving and respecting of her, and she was very mature for her age. The relationship was good and lasted a long while. Actually, it wasn't him that was the problem, it ended after she cheated on him. So any ideas of the age being a problem or the older guy being the one to watch out for may not necessarily be true.

 

I think like any relationship, it is best to go slow. Don't let things escalate too quickly or do things you have doubts on. Follow your heart and if you are having doubts, then maybe you shouldn't pursue this. But if you believe it is what you want, then go for it. However, if at any time things seem out of the ordinary or not right, then don't hesitate to put a stop to it.

[PhoenixFeather]

 

 

 

I do agree with Scout on that one. However, I need a little more information, such as how he has made his attraction known to you.

 

It is troubeling if someone in a position of power/influence (especially religious influence) takes advantage of their position to pursue a romantic interest. At the same time, you are almost 18, and if he acted like a genlteman about and has not pursued it (especially while you were IN the youth group- he was leading)- then it makes it a little different.

 

I need to know a little more about him and his behavior toward you, then and now, before I can truly give any advice.

 

 

BellaDonna

 

He told me while there was a group of us around a friends house, he took me to one side and basically said (in a nuttshell); "i don't want to sound all imposing or freaking, but as i've got to know you i've started to get feelings for you. obviously your alot younger than i am and i need to make sure i am wise. eg if i take you home i wont drop you off last. i don't want to pressure you into anything, or make you feel like anything has to be done."

His sister-in-law and i are very good friends, and we're both being accountable to her about how we are feeling so we're can see things objectivly.

 

And no, i havent been in the youth group for about 4/5 months now, i left when i turnt 17. Also, the youth leader role was handed over to another guy about 15 months ago and he became assistant pastor, if that makes anydifference.

 

 

Now, nothing between us has changed appart from knowledge. we're still the friends we were before.

[BellaDonna]

Well he does not sound like a slimeball or anything- he seems relatively sane and respectful so that is good.

 

Just take things slow.

 

If you both talk to his sister-in-law about it, you may as well tell your parents too.

 

If you do end up dating- you should probably wait until you do turn 18.

 

 

 

BellaDonna

[NJRon]

The 10 year age gap is not a problem so much as the stages in life you two are in. At that age, I would question *anyone* in their late 20's being interested in someone in their teens. I know it has happened, but it just doesn't feel right to me.

 

The other major issue I have though is that he is as assistant pastor at *your* church. You are supposed to be one of the flock. I find it inappropriate for an authority figure at a church (even if it is just assistant pastor) to approach a member of the congregation. That is a conflict of interest and leads me to question his ethics.

 

If things didn't work out you would probably need to leave the church.

 

Just my thoughts on the situation.

[PhoenixFeather]

No, i would never leave the church. a relationship is a three way thing.

 

Man, Woman, God. If all three are always kept a part then the need for such drastic decisions would never arrise. lol, this is just a difference in belief.

 

I see where your coming from with the age gap, and the leadership role he has. i see the leadership role makes things abit more complicated but he is still human, and is the same as you or me, regardless of what title he has.

 

 

Also, waiting until I'm 18 is something that will happen anyway.

[NJRon]

Actually, he is not the same as me. I would never be going after someone 10 years younger than me where I was in a position of authority to them.

 

Regardless, it just sounds like you are going to do it anyway, so good luck and I hope things work out for you.

[PhoenixFeather]

I don't mean exactly the same, lol.. but in princible.

 

I honestly dont know what to do, i'm trying to see things and give a view from every perspective.

 

Thank you for the good wishes anyway! lol.

[Scout]

I don't mean exactly the same, lol.. but in princible.

 

I honestly dont know what to do, i'm trying to see things and give a view from every perspective.

 

Thank you for the good wishes anyway! lol.

 

Phoenix, hon...it's not the same in principle, either. My church has a strict rule in place for all of its leaders: avoid even the very appearance of anything improper. It is inappropriate for anyone in a position of authority to express romantic interest in someone they are supposed to be watching out for, and the fact that you are underage to boot, is even more inappropriate. I truly question this man's motivation for being a church youth leader if he is hitting on the teens he is supposed to be leading.

 

But like NJRon says, it seems you are pretty much making up your mind to view this man's interest in you as a positive. I very much disagree, and do hope you will talk to your parents, at least.

[PhoenixFeather]

I will talk to my parents. I'm sorry if i sounds like I'm ignoring what your saying, but im honestly not. I'm trying to make an objective decision and not rush anything.

 

Does your church really have that rule? and can ask i you a question? why is that rule in place, and wat domination(?) church do you go to? Methodist/Pentecostal/Church of England...?

 

Also, if what you consider underage.. the age of consent here is 16, not that makes any different. unless you mean 'adulthood'?

[Scout]

It's a Baptist church. They have that rule in place for several reasons. First, the congregation needs to know they can trust their spiritual leaders. Any hint of a scandal compromises that trust. Scandals also disrupt the main work of a church, to help its congregation continue in its spiritual journey.

 

Can I ask you a question? How do you know he's interested? You haven't really made that clear to us.

[Scout]

i see the leadership role makes things abit more complicated but he is still human, and is the same as you or me, regardless of what title he has.

 

I hate to put you on the defensive repeatedly here...I do think you have a good head on your shoulders and obviously have some reservations about jumping into things with this guy.

 

But can I point out that, he may be human, but it's not normal for most 27 year old men to chase after 17 year olds. I'm not saying they might not have a private thought or two about it, but the typical guy in his late twenties realizes a teenager is NOT on the same level of emotional maturity and life experiences as he is. So, he would view getting involved with such a young girl as taking advantage of her.

[PhoenixFeather]

He told me while there was a group of us around a friends house, he took me to one side and basically said (in a nuttshell); "i don't want to sound all imposing or freaking, but as i've got to know you i've started to get feelings for you. obviously your alot younger than i am and i need to make sure i am wise. eg if i take you home i wont drop you off last. i don't want to pressure you into anything, or make you feel like anything has to be done."

His sister-in-law and i are very good friends, and we're both being accountable to her about how we are feeling so we're can see things objectivly.

 

 

There you go, and thankyou for your vote of confidence, and i appriciate you concern

[PhoenixFeather]

It's a Baptist church. They have that rule in place for several reasons. First, the congregation needs to know they can trust their spiritual leaders. Any hint of a scandal compromises that trust. Scandals also disrupt the main work of a church, to help its congregation continue in its spiritual journey.

 

 

But then, how would any leader end up in a relationship? i believe that we were all created to love, and you probably do too, but does this seem like the love of a partner is denyed?

 

An honest question, this thought has never crossed my mind before.

[NJRon]

You don't date people you have a responsibility for. There are tons of other places you go to find people. That's like saying, how does a manager ever have a relationship if he can't date his secretary.

[Scout]

But then, how would any leader end up in a relationship? i believe that we were all created to love, and you probably do too, but does this seem like the love of a partner is denyed?

 

An honest question, this thought has never crossed my mind before.

 

Remember, I said the rule is avoid any appearance of impropriety. Dating itself is not improper. Pursuing a young teen girl in your church when you're an almost 30 year old assistant pastor, in my book, is. And I have a feeling much of your congregation would think so too!

[ShySoul]

People in positions of authority are generally held to a higher standard and are looked at as examples of how to behave (although often times the very people who promote these standards are the ones who break them). Thus, a manager dating a secretary or other employee may lead to questions and accusations, most likely not true ones. Likewise, a pastor would avoid a situation where his actions could be turned against the church. In this case, the age gap could be seen as improper and wrong by some people and cause problems for him, you, and the church. So caution is needed.

 

However, in the end I don't think anyone can tell you what to do with your heart. If two people truly want to be together, then they shouldn't be stopped by social rules. Church especially shouldn't be used against them, as God would want us to be happy with someone who really loves and cares for us. So follow your heart and do what is right for you.

[NJRon]

Personally, I think that is way too idealistic. It just is not done. period. Anyone who has an ethical streak would understand that. If it were true love, he would put himself in a postiion where it didn't compromise those ethics. It's not true love... it's infatuation.

[Scout]

Shysoul, the first paragraph, you really answered much better than I did the question that Phoenix asked me.

 

Unfortunately, I have to agree with NJRon's assessment that your second paragraph was idealistic (which is definitely a lovely trait I can see you have and I do admire that!), however, I doubt it's really the case with this man. It's just not cool for this much older man, who once was her youth paster (just a mere 3 years ago when she was 14) now expressing romantic interest to her when she's still a teenager. I guess I'm not getting a "Romeo and Juliet" vibe about this guy, lol...I sense he's probably got some real issues to even compromise the trust in his authority to go after someone so young.

[ShySoul]

I always do take the optimistic route, don't I?

 

I agree that there is a chance that something is right. Which is why caution is needed. If he does have some kind of issue or problem, then it will show through eventually, at which point she should clearly stop things. At the moment though, he hasn't done anything. He even went out of the way to say that he was concerned about the age thing and if it would cause problems.

 

Guess I'm just willing to give the benefit of the doubt. As I said before, my brother was in a similar position dating someone her age with a 10 year gap between them. So I know it can work. If it isn't the case with this guy, then she should see that and when she does, end things immediately.

 

njron - The funny thing with love, or at least infatuation that can grow into love, is that you can't always control how you feel. You may have every intention of not putting yourself in the position, but feelings can still grow. He's decided to take a chance on his feelings. She is away and was going to talk to her parents, I believe. That's a good idea. Let the parents know and see what they think. They may be ok with it. And if they know, the guy will have to answer if he decides to do anything inappropriate.