Could cheating be good? (PLEEEEASE BE OPEN-MINDED!)

[Mavh25]

break up with her, you WILL get caught, and she wont believe you, and you will have made a complete * * * of her, if you love her dont do it or just tell her you need a break

[hosswhispra]

Another thing to think of--the other woman/or women he will potentially become involved with. I think that most women want a relationship with the man they are sexually involved with (maybe that's just me, as I would classify myself as being traditional--possibly due to my Irish Catholic upbringing and way older parents that I had growing up). I would imagine (logically) after the lust wears off he may have the same feeling occur again and again....a feeling of always being unfullfilled. I think that's just the nature of all human beings. We are always looking for something to fill us up--even though we have everything we need right in front of us...think about it...

 

hosswhispra

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I've read the entire thread and honestly Jonah, I don't think you're ready to be in a steady relationship. The part that makes me really worried is that you're trying to justify it by saying that everyone lies to prevent someone from getting hurt. In all honesty, yes, you cheating on your girlfriend and lying to her would prevent her from being hurt, but be completely honest with yourself. You'd lie to her to cover your own but first.

 

You are contemplating making a conscious choice to hurt your girlfriend and your relationship with her. If you think you need to experience other women, do the honorable thing and either tell her what you intend to do or leave her. At least then she'll have the same options that you have, and that you want to deny her. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If you want to screw around with other women, she should have the same opportunity to do the same with other guys. It's only fair right? I bet you $10 that what I said really doesn't appeal to you at all, right? Now just picture how you would feel if your girlfriend came to you with that proposition? Even worse, if you found out she was cheating on you. Things like that always seem to have a way of being found out...

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too in this case man. If you want to have sex with other women you need to let your girlfriend know exactly what you want to do. If you don't, I'm sorry to say, you don't really respect and love her.

[melrich]

Third, several people pointed out that there must be some other problem in our relationship for me to be having these thoughts. To be perfectly honest, there aren't any.

 

You are right. Being in a relationship does not make you suddenly blind to the attractions of other members of the opposite sex. It is natural to be attracted and even to fantasise.

 

Wanting to act on your desires means you definitely do have a problem in your relationship.

 

Your initial post reads classically to me. It is basically this, how can I come up with a reason I can live with, to do something I know I shouldn't do.

 

What you have basically come up with is "if I don't cheat I may be hurting our relationship more in the long run because of these feelings I am having".

 

Essentially I am thinking about cheating to save the long term future of my relationship!!

 

Look, I don't hide from the fact that your dilemma is one that many, many people feel. But to try and rationalise it the way you have is just plain ridiculous.

 

You should either accept the limitations implied by being in a relationship or tell your g/f and see if she will OK it (!!) or get out of the relationship.

 

If you read your post after a long cold shower I'm sure you'll see "Is cheating sometimes OK?" for what it really is and how most people see it.

[miracle29]

Jonah...I have a very simple answer to your question:

 

If its ok for her to sleep with other men...(because its still in her system) then by all means.....but if this is something that you can't handle..then I think you'll have your answer. If you can't take it..don't dish it. Things have a way of coming back to those who don't play fair.

 

 

P.S. Besides, if she's as beautiful and as perfect as you say she is..i'm sure another man wont have a problem being faithful to her.

[BellaDonna]

What I noticed, browsing through the posts in this thread is that the vast majority of them are made by females. Or males, who "never cheated in their lifetime". I am not saying that these opinions are not valuable, my point is that, perhaps, females and nevercheaters do not have the required expertise to advise, comprehensively, on the issue.

 

I don't think it takes a rocket scientist (whether female or male) to figure out whether the poster's idea of cheating on his girlfirned would be harmful to his relationship- especially when the poster himself stated his girfriend would not like it.

 

As for experience, I'm not sure what everyone's experience has been. In my case, I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 18. We met very young- but we never had doubts about wanting to be committed to one another. Of course both of us were human- we've found other people attractive- but never enough to give up what we had together and go have sex with them.

 

Having come from a long-term relationship in which both parties were young- I'd have to say- if I or my husband were ever having those types of feelings/urges- the only fair thing to do would be to tell each other.

 

I do not judge the original poster for having such urges- but what I would judge a person on is if they acted on those urges and hid it with a lie. This essentially puts their partner at risk, not just emotionally- but physically. Again, aside from all moral implications of cheating- what stands out to me the most- is the physical health risk he'd place his girlfriend in if he was having sex with other women, without her knowing. His girlfriend is committed to him, and vulnerable to him because she trusts him and is sleeping with him- yet if he cheats- he could give his girlfriend herpes and crabs- even if a condom is used properly when he cheats. If the condom failed with these other women- he could kill his girlfriend- if he were to contract HIV.....not to mention all the other STD's he could give her.

 

To me- there is no way to ever justify putting someone you "love" in harms way with that kind of health risk. If he's going to have sex with other women, she needs to know about it.

 

 

BellaDonna

[PrincessLinzay]

Jonah~

 

First off, I'll begin by saying that I actually applaud the fact that you can aknowledge these feelings, even though many people won't agree with you. I think that we have all had feelings that we wish we didn't.

 

That being said......

 

I am also of the opinion that you should speak with your girlfriend about your feelings. A difficult subject to broach, absolutely, but she may be more receptive to your feelings than you think. At the very least, I am sure she will appreciate that you are being honest with her from the jump, and not having to come clean after the fact. No one can predict what her response will be, we can only make speculations, there's only one way to truly find out.....

 

From my personal experience, and what I have garnered from the experiences of other women, I think the biggest obstacle you are going to face with this is not the actual physical act you are contemplating, but the emotional side of it. I know that for myself, with someone I love, sex is directly associated with those warm and fuzzy emotions. It's extremely difficult to separate the two in your mind where cheating is concerned. I personally could not handle the thought of my partner forming any type of emotional connection with another woman. My imagination would be my worst enemy.

 

I can say with a fair amount of certainty that "cheating" will never be looked at as a positive thing (epecially by the person being cheated on). Cheating also almost always gets discovered by the other person. They may just have a "gut feeling", but sometimes that is enough to destroy a once happy relationship. Is that worth the risk?

 

I say talking with her is your best bet....

 

Good Luck.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

PrincessLinzay has a good point. Jonah, I can't fault you for having these feelings. I think everyone does at one point or another when they're in any relationship. It just happens. The part that I do find fault in is that you're trying to justify the possiblity of cheating on your girlfriend and lying about it to her to "protect her", when in fact you'll only be protecting yourself. IE, you won't be a saint if you cheat and tell a "little white lie" to keep her from knowing.

 

I really do think you should talk about all this with your girlfriend. Maybe you two can find a way to work through this together.

[Jonah5678]

Besides, if she's as beautiful and as perfect as you say she is..i'm sure another man wont have a problem being faithful to her.

 

... ouch.... but you're absolutely true. Everything everyone has had to say makes sense.

 

And you're all correct: I am just trying to find a way to validate my own needs. That wasn't a conscious effort, but it was in fact what I was trying to do. Of course, Hindsight is 20/20.

 

Upon looking into myself, I realize that, at the very least, I don't deserve someone like her, and I should do the right thing and stop leading her on, and not waste any more of her time. Maybe I just need some time to find myself.

 

I said this to one of my friends before, and I think it's true. I don't think that I'm a good person. I feel sometimes as though I've been dating and loving my g/f all for myself, not for us. My parents were divorced, and it was hell. My dad cheated on my mom and devastated her. And sadly, as much as I don't want to and try not to, I see a lot of my father in myself, in a negative way. I think I dated her for this long to appease my own insecurities and not end up like him, hurting another beautiful but naive woman (my mother). I guess that I was just "smooth" enough to make her believe that I'm a good person, because she certainly thinks that I am one. Clearly, as evidenced through this post and my idea, that's not true. That's not right for her, and at this time, neither am I. I think I will let her go tonight on the phone, since I'm far too weak to do it in person.

 

Thank you all for your advice.

[RayKay]

Jonah,

 

I think it shows in the very fact that you are choosing NOT to be like your father (my father was a cheater as well, and it hurt my mother, and us kids, very badly) that you ARE indeed a good person.

 

Even good people sometimes wonder what if, or may have a desire to be with someone else......but good people then also decide to either remain faithful, or to end things BEFORE they explore those options. Yes it will break her heart to be broken up with, however the fact you are doing that rather then cheating and putting her through that pain shows you are still a good person - it's in you, you just have to believe it and learn to find it yourself.

 

It is good you recognize your weaknesses, and what you need to work on - that is something many people many many years older and "wiser" still don't know.

 

Take care of yourself, and working on yourself is indeed a very good idea before you get involved with someone. Even consider counselling to help you deal with those feelings and fears of the "negative you". It can be one of the best things to do for yourself.

 

Breaking up on the phone is not the ideal thing, but just make sure you do it cleanly - no leading her on, be compassionate but don't give promises you can't keep.

 

RayKay

[melrich]

Jonah you are being far too hard on yourself.

 

First you had the courage to post something here that, whilst not a popular view was very honest.

 

Second you listened to sound advice.

 

Finally you recognised your initial post for what it was.

 

Mate, if people are being honest, most in relationships would say that they are from time to time attracted to someone else even if it is just a fleeting moment. Most in relationships would say that they occasionally wish they didn't have the constraints of being in a relationship. All that, to me is normal.

 

What separates people who cheat and those who don't is that those who don't leave those thoughts as just thoughts, they don't ever seek to pursue them.

 

You can't (and you haven't) deny your thoughts. But you can choose to have control over them and I believe that is what you are starting to recognise.

[BellaDonna]

Jonah,

 

You are not a bad person.

 

What RayKay stated is very important:

 

Even good people sometimes wonder what if, or may have a desire to be with someone else......but good people then also decide to either remain faithful, or to end things BEFORE they explore those options

 

You have not done anything "bad" yet. You are human- you have desires/curiosity etc. You have not acted on them though. You also were willing to listen to advice- and you were also open-minded enough to ask yourself the tough questions (about your motives, your past, and the truth about your current situation) and explore the issue on a deeper level. That right there shows you are willing to grow as a person. By exploring your feelings, you have not hurt anyone.

 

What would hurt her is if you did cheat on her.

 

But if you either 1.) Decide to work on the relationship and stay faithful or 2.) Leave her and be honest, and then pursue your desires

 

You will not be a bad person.

 

Don't just run away from your girfriend. Tell her your feelings and internal conflicts. If you do ultiamtely end up letting her go- it will be a lot easier for her to heal if she knows why.

 

You do have full control over the kind of person you are and whether or not to put thoughts into action.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I agree with everyone else. Having desires and being curious about other women does not make you a bad person. You need to work through this.

 

I do have to say though, if you're ready just to walk away from your relationship because you think you might be a bad person, I think you were looking for an excuse to leave. First by contiplating cheating on her, now because you think you're a bad person.

 

Jonah, you haven't done anything wrong. You are not a bad person. Yes you feel bad about wanting to cheat, but you came here first because you wanted to get some opinions. In the end, you decided not to go through with it. Kudos for you! Now you have to ask yourself one question and one question only. Do you really love your girlfriend? If that answer is yes, then stay with her, talk to her, work things out. If no, then bow out as kindly and as gracefully as you can.

 

My best wishes to you, whatever you decide. You've proven from your ACTIONS that you aren't the bad person you think you are.

[Hope75]

So what ended up happening??

[vixens husband]

Agree, you have a brain, you have a conscience, thats what makes you different to an animal. Think about this, if you thnk it would be difficult to leave her now and go your own way to spread your seed as it were I can tell you from bitter experience that, no matter who initiates a breakup later WHEN you get caught and she gets hurt, you WILL suffer badly, seperation/divorce and dissolution of a trusting relationship are devastating experiences.

 

Take a look at your right hand man. Know what its for? get on with it.

[traz]

 

 

While that situation is not exactly the same, it does give some insight to how your girlfriend COULD react.

[daffycat]

Hey Jonah,

 

wow, what a moral dilemma...you should be proud of yourself that you have the courage to confront this issue...

 

Two things jumped out at me when I was reading your posts...first you said that when you think of your g/f's smile, your whole body goes warm; for me, that is a sure sign that you do indeed love her.

 

The fact that you feel horny when you see another girl's cleavage is natural...our sexual desires are biologically programmed in us; it is only our morals and social mores that enable us to accept or ignore them.

 

Then I read that you think you are stringing this girl along, and have been with her this long purely to prove to yourself that you are not going to make the same mistakes as your father.

 

This isn't about sowing your oats, this is about combating percieved acceptable behaviour, and how you actually feel. Take a BIG step back and try to look at the forest, not just the one tree of sexual desire.

 

You strike me as an individual who has a very healthy self awareness...I don't think you are being immature. Maybe let the issue drop for a month or so, try not to over analyse the situation, and then if nothing has changed, you will know what to do!

 

Good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself!

[Cynder]

Is she the only one you have ever been with? When you have only been with one it is normal to wonder what other people are like. But, I don't think cheating is the answer.

 

Take it from a woman, it is not just guys who feel this way. I was in a relationship from high school until my early twenties, and I wondered what others were like in bed.

 

You are in a difficult situation... I got out of that relationship, and since then I have found out what others are like. I am glad I did, but I still wouldn't cheat on your girl if I were you.

[NW Homey]

I agree with the others in that you deserve a BIG pat on the back. You are really a special person to be able to stand back and really look at yourself. If you really feel a need to know what others are like, leave first. It is the only moral thing to do. IF on the other hand you truly don't believe you can find anyone better suited for you than your current, count your blessings and talk to her about maybe wanting to try different things to add flavor to your relationship. You might be surprised at what women really might WANT to do but are afraid they might scare off thier man if they knew. Explore exploring together. Share ideas and fantasies you have both had. You might be surprised at how many women you have rolled up in one.

[birdgirl]

Good people bad mistakes. Happens all the time. And it sounds like you didn't even make one yet. You're just thinking this through.

[pookie]

I am agree with she2smart. Trust and lies can't stay together. Believe it or not, she would find out, maybe 20 years from now, but she will. How would she feel about you then. And how do feel if your gf want to experience other man? Maybe if you tell her she would want to do the same, she would love that idea, then how is it you think you would feel. No matter what, DO NOT LIED, drop it or risk all you have.

[Jake1979]

Edit- have just read the whole thread so forget what I put here earlier!

[Rosalie]

Here's the thing about some cheaters....some of us don't plan for it to happen. It may sound like a cliche, but it is very true. Life comes to different people in different ways...I'm a true believer that things happen for a reason in life.

 

I was married for almost 20 years when I had my first affair...and only affair. I am now separated and still involved with the man I had the affair with. I don't blame him for the demise of my marriage, but tell him he was the catalyst for change in my life...a change that I so needed and wish could have happened many many years earlier.

 

Don't hate a parent for cheating, but try to evaluate or consider their anguish in what they have lost as well....

[Gracelove]

Well, I guess that depends....how would you feel if your girlfriend decided to just screw a few guys behind your back????

You know, get it out of her system.

Do you think that would be a good idea?

If you "love" her, then you wouldn't betray her trust by screwing other women behind her back.

I mean honestly, who doesn't know that cheating is a bad thing???

If you're too afraid to be upfront with your girlfriend about screwing other girls, then maybe you shouldn't do it.

If you need to get something "out of your system" then you shouldn't be in a relationship while doing it.

I would definitely re-evaluate your definition of "love".

If you loved her you wouldn't dare do such a hurtful and damaging thing to her as cheating.

[g44]

she said that to u...u would never go for it...maybe u should examine why it is you think u need to 'experience' other people. where does it say that is required? what's wrong with being with just one person all your life? how does wanting multiple lovers connect with your values, morals and beliefs? i know two people that are the opposite. one male friend has had 4 different lovers over the spane of 2 weeks while the other has being with to women over 22 years. when u look at that it tells you about that person. one is committed and one has no idea what they want other than gratification. so, my suggestion would be if u need to do this, talk with your partner and figured out why i think this way.

 

stay kewl