pookie

Valenski; You speak of truth, every single word!!!! Should post it in everywhere when relationship is involved. Almost every problem can be work out but not betrayal, it would never ever be the same.

Hi; Thanks for emails and insight from several of you who found out that your partner cheated on you so you go out and do it yourself. As I expect, I am not alone.... and it help (I mean go out and slept with someone else). As I mentioned before. I knew my husband when I was barely 17, he is the only man I ever been with. I want this marriage to work I just want to got him back so I can feel better around him instead of betrayed, angry, and hate. He doesn't believe in counselling and will not approve even if I try to go alone. No one knew he was cheated on me, so they look at him as good husband and left me no one to talk to. From several of these emails, ALL of them said "go out and slept with someone" would help them to stay on their marriage and they do feel better". As I said, everyday I try to be "good person, mom, wife in every situation and every way, that is how I live on, I am afraid that what I am thinking of doing will ruin me as me (confuse). And what would happen if he find out. Since I don't want relationship, should I use the escort service? Is it safe? Am I crazy? escort service??male prostitute?? I am already scare of what I would become. any advice???

You have to decide whether or not you want to stay or leave, it's up to you. I too have to live with this for now until I can save up. In the meantime I am like you, I hate him, yet love him deep down. I want to rip his face off then I feel sorry for the idiot... I don't know what to tell you other than you are the only one who can make this choice..Sorry Hi Doyathink; Sorry for your pain. You did make me feel better that I am not alone and it can be worse (sorry, didn't mean to hurt you more).At least you can get out easier than me. I can't just throw everything away, at my age, and 3 kids if I am on my own I can't provide them like what they have now, they don't need to be punished for what his dad do. See this a lot of people don't understand, it would be easier to say than done, like I can go out get a job and what about I have done for 20s years just let him alone enjoy it? He might not do it again, I don't know, but I already trapped in this life. So get out when you can, faster the better (I know you didn't ask for advice I just hope that I still can...like you)

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Everyword you speak, for me too

I know. I and my husband originally went to US from Asia for school, after graduated we settled down in US after that for another 20 years. We decided to move back last year, that when it all happen. We can't have marriage certificate here again, it would be duplicate. Eventhough we married, the law here doesn't protect me and kids. I can sue him but get nothing.

Thanks! I feel I am not alone here. Can you tell me how to overcome this feeling when I am around him then? A lot of times when I look at him I feel angry, sad and HATE. See..when he involve with this woman we were in process of moving, he moved first supposedly to arrange for my and our kids arrival. Right from the start, someone told me, so I asked him and tried my best to stop him, but he lied.. and lied.. I said alot,like beg him to stop but he denied it ever happened. He bought a new house without telling me but said for our family but then they celebrate the new house together. I didn't know any of these until later. But at that time he lied, he said he would never do anything to hurt the family and I believed him, if I don't have a clue it would be another thing. I was miserable then lived in worried and suspicious, and now all those feeling turn to Hatre. I still do things to please him so I think I still love him so, but when I think about these I mad so I need to get all of these angry out of my system, so I think if I do thing to level off with him might make me feel better about him

He is controling and will act out to scare me and my kids if we try to do something he don't approved (usualy it works). Everything we had (family business) is in his name and his only. I live on his budget. We build together from nothing until we are now, I know if I divorce him I will get Nothing but 3 kids and the laws can't help me here. 27 years with him I know him well.

My husband is not believe in counseling. From the outside we are such a perfect family, he would put me in so much trouble if I try to go alone and I don't want to be there.

I agree with you totally. Especially the last 2 questions, bc, it would not and never be the same between you two. It's hard to stay in relationship with the cloud of pain that you WILL NEVER forget. Forgive may be, but it will coming up in your rough time together in the future. Been there.

Hi I post before about my husband cheated. I can't get over it, eventhough he dumped her already. I think because he didn't mean to end it, eventually he intended to keep her as a mistress for pleasure. I knew he didn't love or anything like that. We been together for almost 27 years and married 25 years and with 3 kids. This is the first and only time he cheated. I am so heartbroken on every lies he made. During that time I suspected it, and I confronted him. And I choose to believe his lie. At that times he wanted me back (bc of his guilt and try to do the right things), he was nice and sweet to me and I thought maybe I could let it lie but it has been a year and I found myself thinking about messing around with someone casualy and keep it as a secret, I think it might make me feel better that I am level off with him. I am usually very conservative and never flirt with anyone, or even go out without him or kids. The only reason I didn't do it yet because I don't know how. Everytime I thinking about his lies I am furious and determine to do so. I can't just divorce him, I wouldn't survive, and I still want to make it work. Any advice!!

I am agree with she2smart. Trust and lies can't stay together. Believe it or not, she would find out, maybe 20 years from now, but she will. How would she feel about you then. And how do feel if your gf want to experience other man? Maybe if you tell her she would want to do the same, she would love that idea, then how is it you think you would feel. No matter what, DO NOT LIED, drop it or risk all you have.

I wished I am that strong. There was no fight between us when he confessed. I was heartbroken, and sad but not mad. I think I knew it but just didn't want to accept the truth. I didn't call name, yelled or anything, I just asked why, what was wrong with me, if he unhappy. And when he said he was wrong to me and beg for forgiveness, I just gave in. I told him that if he want me back and move back to him, if would have to accept that I might not be able to trust him again, and basically asked him to be patient.I asked him to promise me that he would never do that again, and accept the fact that it would never be the same between us. I would have to know where he is, what he is doing and keep track on how he spend money. I asked him that he will have to include me in his bank account and every deeds. I am not consider myself rich, but well to do. He would be target for those gold diggers, with our business (we build an apartment building for lower-middle class), and society we live in, there are lots of those unfortunate women. Anyway, he agreed on all conditions that I asked, so we move last June. Here I am in new business building, doing so well. From outside, we are so perfect, but it is far from the truth. He became so controlling, I have only changes in my purse at all times. By the way, we move out of US, and the law here is not the same. Since I married him in US, I can't have marriage certificate here, so he list in every document that he is single. He knew that if I divorce him I will get nothing but 3 kids. Everything we have is under his name and only his name or otherwise he would not let me or our kids follow him around, he would just disappear. I feel like I am so helpless. I doesn't care about money that much so I choose to keep an eye on him. But the worse is how he change. He became verbal abusive, and act like he hate me. He call me names in front of the kids, everything I did is wrong and bad intention. I am not lazy and good at management, I set up the system in the office, and how to run. It is something he is not good at. To compare he would be CEO, when I am a clerk, secretary who do day to day operation. I kept the record of income and expenses, not how to spend it that would be his jobs. But he said I do all of these because I want to control everything, only me run the office, doing everything and left him unimportant. And because of that I became his burden and hold him back from the best he could be. He said I should feel so lucky and be gratitude to him that he still want me (my body). I don't think I am beautiful but I know I am attractive. People would say I look 10 years younger than him when actually I am 1 year older. I am in good shape and he overweight. He said I make him look bad for public, make him look inferior. All of these make him angry at me. My kids love him but they angry at him for the way he treat me and angry at me for let him do that. He is the only man in my life and I devoted my life for him. I can't say I still in love with him but I know I still love him. I just can't understand why of everything I did, not for him but for our family, he don't appreciate it but turn it against me. I don't drink, smoke, gamble or spend money on cloth, jewelly like other women. I work and make sure my kids prepare for exams and homework turned in. Only I take kids to dentist, conference with teachers and knew how my kids spend their days. Last March he was so angry at my boy for nonsense thing causing him to waste $50, he start to hit and kick my son, I grab his hand trying to stop him, my nails scratch his arm and turn his angry at me, he yelled and called names. He usually not physical, but when he mad he is mad man. I talk to my kids (age 14,12,10),we are closed and have no secret I told them "no matter what he is your dad, and he love you", he came in the room when I was in the middle of the sentence, he yelled and told the children not to believe me, that I lied and I try to turn them against him. My poor little girl got so upset that she screamed and said "she told me that you love me, if she lied, then you don't love me, and I hate you too". She have never act like that, she was so brave that day. That quiet my husband a bit, but he have never say he was sorry. All of these going on, and I have never said a word to my family, so I have no one to talk to but the children, no one in my family side knew he cheated on me. I felt so bad and guilty to my kids. I don't want them to use us as example. I told my two sons to learn from it and be better husband in the future. I don't know what to tell my daughter, they all love me and show their affections toward me but little to my husband. That is again my fault, he think I taught them to hate their father. The truth is they love him but don't like him. All I tried to do and to be is "do my best everyday on everything I do, in every situation". Sometimes I don't want to live anymore, because I don't know what for. It is so hard to satisfy everyone, and too painful to keep on going. What did I do wrong? Please help me to be strong, my girl is not 11 yet.

Hi; I am new here. I am 44 with 3 kids, been with him almost 27 years and been married 25 years. We have had our up and down times, been through tough years, struggling together to build our future. 3 years ago his father is sick and became paralyze, he went home to look after his dad business, leaving me with the kids to run our business alone, all my family live on another coast. He visited us several times during the first 2 years. I decided to move to be with him plus the hurricane destroy our business place make that decision valid. I sold our home and all 4 of our rental propertys and plan to move at the end of that school year (June'05). I did all the work and wire the money to him with the plan to build another project in his hometown. I will have to write in date detail because it would make different of how we should judge my husband. I got the first call around Feb'05, from someone claim to know my husband but not personally, asking for job which I told him I was cloing my business. He said "your husband acting like a single man". I asked him what he meant, he said he just assume my husband is single and surprise to learn that he married. I asked my husband, he lied and said he has nothing to hide. I tried my best to keep contact him everyday via internet and start afraid for the truth after the second, third calls from this man. I didn't talk to him but he would leave messages giving me hints and asked for job. On Mar 20'05 my husband called and said he just change the phone number becasue the new number was easier to remember. On Mar 23'05, he accidently called my cell, didn't realize that his conversation with another woman was recorded in my voicemail. I was very sick with phenomia at that time, that I didn't ckeck my message and didn't talk to him until later. On Mar 30'05, his mother called me (that was the first time we talk for the last 10 years), she told me I should move back right away. She didn't tell me the truth just that he started to go out at night. I asked him, of course, he lied and denied. Since I was in process of closing several property and my home was under repaired, instead, on April 6, I took my 10 years old out of school and him to my husband. He took the surprise badly. On April 8, he called me to confessed that he had another woman, he tried to break up with her that was why he change phone number but she kept on following him everywhere. He admitted that he bought the new house for me (I didn't have a clue then)on Mar 23 (the same day his conversation was recorded), and closed the deal on Mar 29 (his mom call me the next day) and been living with this woman in that house until he realize my son was arriving which was about a week. She refuse to move out and my husband had to call police to force her out. They fight became ugly and she threaten to call me that was the reason he called me to confess. I was still so sick and weak at the time, I worried about my children, I couldn't even stand up but still have to cook and tend my kids. I told him I forgive him as long as he stoped seeing her. He told me that she came on to him ("rape him" that was his word). She had several mens at a time who each support her financially, so that was how she make a living, and he just fell into her trap. She called and left dirty, hateful message, she also write several long email giving the detail of their relationship and how good he treated her before dumped her, which I didn't hear it until several days later. She said she was not good lady, but that didn't give him right just to dump her like a meat. See I put all of these details together afterward. I just don't know what to believe. He changed the number to avoid her but be back together with her in 3 days? If he bought new house for her then he didn't have to kick her out because nobody knew about it but then how could he possible just bought the new house without telling me, knowing I would be coming in few months. How nice he was then and how much he had changed now.....................to be continued