**Seeing Porn Through Someone Elses Eyes**

[spunkykatt]

First off I have to say in writting this post I am not using it for a platform on what is right or wrong, so please dont take it there. That said, I have read alot of posts that relate to porn and the effects it has on how women in general, feel twords their partner. That point alone interested me greatly, and I have pondered it for sometime now, looking for a reason as to why more often then not women react in a negative manner when they find their partner is looking at pornography.. So after much thought and research I would like to hopefully clear the air on it, and shed some light on the reactions women have twords pornography, and why they have those emotions.

 

To begin with their are alot of myths about why men look at pornography in the first place..so I am going to start there, and counter the myths with researched facts.

MYTH 1: Men have higher sex drives than women, thats why they look at and use porn.

TRUTH: It is stastically shown that among the average population of sexually active adults...it is IN FACT women who have the higher sex drive, not the man.

MYTH 2: Men are more visual creatures, they look for that reason...they need visual stimulation for arousal.

TRUTH: In several clinical studies when both men and women were shown visual images showing and acting out of sexual intercourse, it was found that both sexes had the same response...meaning the brain of man versus a women sees pornography the same way, and has the same stimulation pattern.

MYTH 3: Men watch porn because of hormones...testosterone...etc. so thats what drives them to watch it.

TRUTH: Women have testosterone also, and as a note, testosterone is not the only hormone responsible for sex drive..they are several that come from the pituitary gland that generates sex drives in both men and women, and both sexes secrete them.

 

Now, all that stated I was more confused than ever...and decided to take a different approach on trying to figure this issue out. I am by nature a very analytical person, thats the reason I thrive in my profession, when your in a lab there is only one set of answers, no gray areas. So how is it that both men and women have been studied and proven to react the same way to pornography, have the same hormones that control sex drive, and its women who have the bigger sex drive to start with..why do they (women) react to their partner watching pornography negatively the majority of the time? I finally came to the conclusion that its not anything to do with what can be seen or measured in a lab, but its the womans emotions responsible for her reactions. Yes I know your thinking....well duh. Now, if its emotions that cause a woman to act this way then why does her brain react the same way as a mans when she sees pornography...(sorry women but its proven fact we do react the same way, we do become aroused by it)..How does she feel so upset, hurt, unattractive, mad, unwanted etc. when she herself (wether she admits it or not) finds pornography sexually stimulating, but has all those negative emotions when her partner views pornography?

 

I have read so many posts that women are saying they feel they arent good enough, unattractive, hurt, mad, and generally upset and sad when they find their partner has been viewing pornography for his own personal gratification. Then I read the responses from men to these women...and most answers I have seen all go back to the MYTHS listed above. Men use these general statements for the reasons behind them viewing porn..and there is never any closure for this topic. Women are hurt, they ask men why...and men reply with a simple answer, which the women dont accept...I mean women need reasoning, explanations, and discussion in order for them to analyze and sort out their emotions. Men on the other hand need simplicity. So the cycle continues...women ask, men answer, women ask...etc. They dont have the reasons or explanations they need in order to understand the behavior..so they continue to ask. So how do we bridge that gap?? Men often complain that they dont understand what the big deal is about them viewing porn...and women respond with it hurts, makes me have issues with my body, feel sad...etc, and men say thats silly...we love you they way you are, we dont want the sex kitten on the internet that we masterbate to, we are happy with you. Hopefully you see where I am going with those statements. Women want in depth answers, explaining, and discussion...Men respond with simplicity. Men want to know why women think its a demeaning thing to their partner if they watch porn, after all it has NOTHING to do with the woman they love..so whats the harm... Women respond by saying it hurts my feelings, or if I was good enough...etc.

 

Ok, so that brings me to my point....Men, we as women feel those ways in part because sex is so easily accessable through the internet, movies, etc..and by looking at porn you are to us looking for OUR replacement. Women like to feel needed, and loved...and when they find their partner watching porn they think that the need for them is either gone or on its way out the door so to speak. Its a betrayal of the heart for women to find that the man they are loving, caring about and taking care of his NEEDS is actually finding other ways to fufill his needs, thus women dont feel needed anymore.

 

Now my other point for women....Women, men in general have a desire (proven in research) to have sex with muliple women in order to insure his genes are passed on and there is a better chance of him having strong offspring. Sorry women but its a basic drive for men, and it goes back to primal times when the cavemen were hunters and the women were gathers. Men want to take care of things, to fill he is desired, and he "instintually" needs to show his viruility...and by watching porn he is achieving his most primal need. Thats why his answer to your question as to why they watch porn is as simple as it is. He says "I just do".

 

Finally, I recently found that there is a way for men to understand why women act and feel the way they do. Men let me set a scenrio for you, and when you read it, please think about what you would think if this was actually you.....

 

After a long day at work you go over to your girlfriends house to spend time with her, but shes working late...so you take the key she gave you and go on in and wait for her. While sitting there you decide to check your email on her computer, and so you log on...but you find that there is a problem with the connection with the internet...so you begin to look in her files to see if you can find the problem...where you come upon a "file" named "hotporn" so you as a man think...ALRIGHT, JackPot...your gonna see some nice hot porn, maybe even knock one out while your waiting on your girlfriend to get off work. So you click on the file and inside you find several videos, one titled..."Make Me Cum", you think that sounds good, you click it and wait for it to open in the media player. When it does it starts out with a random guy sitting in a chair, with his "member" in his hand...so you think ok, bring in the girl or girls (you hope) but the girl doesnt come, instead all you see is some guy masterbating until climax, where by the way he made a huge mess on his desk and is now spreading his stuff around with his shrinking member. You sit there a minute, right?? Wondering what the hell was that doing on her computer, and why?? Am I right...isnt that what your thinking? So your feeling more than disgusted, I mean you just seen some guy make himself orgasm right there in front of your eyes...how sick you must be feeling. So, you think well whats the other videos about, I mean she couldnt have more of that sick stuff right...so you click on the next video, it loads and guess what...its ANOTHER random guy doing the same thing. Your thinking what the f***, why would she download this crap and keep it...right? Ok, your shaken by your discovery, and want answers right..so when your girlfriend gets home you and her go out and have a nice evening, but the whole time your mind is stuck on what you seen on her computer, you start to wonder if she actually did download it, and if she likes that kinda stuff, whats wrong with her...she not satisified with your size, the way you move...why, why, why...what could she get from those videos that she didnt get or "see" from you.. Well you have made it through the evening and go back to her place, your sitting there on the couch and you think...Im gonna ask, I mean you did see some guy (who by the way is WAY WAY bigger than you) get off and your girlfriend has the video. So you suck it up and just ask...you ask if she knew the file was there, and if she downloaded it...and to your surprize she says.."Yeah why? Whats the BIG deal" Now your sitting there listening to what she just said, ...your response is "WHATS THE BIG DEAL...WHATS THE BIG DEAL, YOUR WATCHING SOME GUY BEAT OFF AND YOU LIKE IT" sick, just plain sick...She then looks at you and says "I dont look at it all the time, I just look sometimes when Im horney and your not here, so why are you so pissed about it" Now, why are you so mad??? Why are you feeling so hurt, and betrayed...why? Its just porn RIGHT????

 

****FOOD FOR THOUGHT****

[MetallicAguy]

Hahaha, I agree.

[ilovecats]

SpunkyKatt,I liked that!Maybe now,guys will understand where we(women)are coming from.Good one!!

[LostInMyThoughts]

While you're entitled to your opinion, I think some of your assertions are off.

 

Also let me preface this by saying that I'm not saying women shouldn't be mad if their partners look at porn. Just like I wouldn't say men shouldn't be mad if their partners had male friends.

 

First the myths you write about are actually misinterpretations of the explanations given.

 

Its not that men have higher sex drive. Its that men and womens peak sex drive occur at different points during the day, week and month. As a man, its much easier to rub one out then it is to arouse a woman who is not in the mood for sex. It's easier to rub one out when you have something that stimulates you. Hence porn.

 

Second, its not that men are MORE visual then women. Men are typically just visual. Women can be aroused in other ways. I've had a woman practially tear my clothes off because somehow my talking turned her on. Usually thats not the case with guys. Women get turned on by looking at porn. Porn keeps part of the mind stimulated which helps stimulate the rest of the body.

 

Finally, I dont agree with your example at all. It seems like you've taken a situation where a woman might find innappropriate and reversed the roles to show that men would react the same. If that was true, wouldn't women react the same way to guy-on-guy porn and most men do with girl-on-girl porn?

 

As an aside, If I found some "hotporn" on my wifes computer, and it was a guy jerking off. I would stop. I wouldn't wait for it to finish. I've caught my ex-wife looking at porn, and I wasn't mad or shocked, or felt dirty. Just my 2 cents.

[Dako]

I could be missing something, but there seemed to be a certain bias.

Perhaps as a guy who finds porn dull and depressing, I have a different take on your creative scientific research.

 

Usually the scientific method avoids words like proven, myth, or truth.

I thought the research angle was a setup for the longest paragraph, a fantasy.

[spunkykatt]

Hum, like I said this wasnt posted to debate if porn is right or wrong...furthermore LostInMyThoughts, you are 100% right on the example, it is a role reversal..but you didnt state how that would make you feel if you were the one finding the porn on your girlfriends computer. So you have just proven what I orginally did state in my theory, that men would in fact feel the exact same emotions if they were the ones seeing porn that they didnt find arousing. Yes you are entitled to your opinion, and thank you for sharing it, but I honestly see that in the responses so far that women get it and men dont. I was just presenting you with how we women arrive at our negativity about porn. So, thank you for your input.

[Dako]

Spunkykatt, I happen to have a weeny, but I also have a negative view of porn.

[spunkykatt]

Oh one more thing, you said you caught your wife looking at porn...well what kind of porn, Im sure it wasnt of a guy masturbating in front of a camera, was it...because if it was I would bet you wouldnt be telling it here...kinda make you feel inferior to him...make you wonder why she wanted to watch that??? Dont think Im attacking you, but the fact PORN IS PORN wether its gay, straight, mutiple, or MASTERBATION...and if your wife chose to watch a guy masterbate, then began to masterbate herself, how would you feel walking in on that. We all have preferrance over what porn we like, but you cant say masterbation porn doesnt count, its still sex..sorry.

[spunkykatt]

Dako, its cool you dont like porn, like I have said this post wasnt intended to attack anyone, it was to hopefully get people who read it to stop and just take a minute to think, put themselves in the other persons spot, and really think about how they might feel. No way was I saying anything negative about men or women, or porn for that matter, its just an opinion that I have and I thought that some people might find answers in it.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I think it was a girl getting double-teamed by two well-endowed black guys. I'm not sure what you're getting at. You said porn is porn right? So I should have the same reaction regardless of what it was be it a dude jerking off, or a women give oral sex to another... My reaction to it was based mostly in part because of my views on porn. Since (its should be obvious) I look at porn, and If I had a problem with my wife looking at porn, then yeah I would be a hippocrit. But I dont mind porn, and so I didnt mind my wife looking at it.

 

Also if your point is that women get it and men don't. Duh. Its because women don't make it easy for us to get it.

 

Like when woman says "Does this dress make me look fat?" I mean, the question is asked, not for the truth, but because the women wants to know that her partner still finds her attractive.

 

Guys are generally easy, base, dumb creatures, and not very complex at all.

 

Yeah I know I'm make an unfair generalization with my above example.

 

EDIT: Sorry my two posts came off sounding pompous. That wasn't my intent. C'est La Vie!

[Dako]

Guys are generally easy, base, dumb creatures, and not very complex at all.

 

That why man be presidant. Not bigbrain chik.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm a curious person, I've watched a variety of porn, but I get bored with most of it. I have many male friends and I'm not shy when they talk about sex. Most of them get turned on by the idea of a women watching porn. I've had pretty frank and open discussions with men about sex that left them trying to hide junior and me amused at the color of their faces. Sexual response is so different between the sexes. Arousal in women is very complex and involves more then just minor stimulation. Case in point, Viagra, its easy to fix male sexual response, but for women there is no drug because there is no answer that will work in gerenal.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Actually, i've heard of doctors perscribing Viagra for women with diminshed sex drive (specifically do to AD drugs like zoloft).

[CarnelianButterfly]

Like when woman says "Does this dress make me look fat?" I mean, the question is asked, not for the truth, but because the women wants to know that her partner still finds her attractive.

What if she really wants to know "Should I be seen in this dress or should I go put on the blue one instead?" Besides clothing that isn't fit right for her body may in fact make her look 15lbs bigger, just tell her the cut and shape doesn't accentuate her natural form or that the color isn't the most flattering with her skin tones.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Actually, i've heard of doctors perscribing Viagra for women with diminshed sex drive (specifically do to AD drugs like zoloft).

Viagra doesn't increase the sex drive any, it provides increased blood flow to the genitals. That is what causes men to have an erection. While that can be arousing for some women, many women need more psychological stimulation. Since the FDA hasn't even approved Viagra for use in women and there are few if any studies to support its results I'm still not considering a viable solution.

[ShySoul]

. Women like to feel needed, and loved...and when they find their partner watching porn they think that the need for them is either gone or on its way out the door so to speak. Its a betrayal of the heart for women to find that the man they are loving, caring about and taking care of his NEEDS is actually finding other ways to fufill his needs, thus women dont feel needed anymore.

 

Exactly. You can get into all kinds of talk about how men are wired to watch porn, who has the higher sex drive, etc. But what doesn't change is that we as people need to to feel loved, appreciated, and understood. In watching porn, it is like a substitue for the real thing. Your needs are being met through that, making the women feel that she is not needed or loved, because if she was then why wouldn't he be with her? Who would choose a movie over a real live person? If he needs sex, why won't he come to her? She wants it just as much generally. So why not turn to her?

 

Another thing I am thinking is traditional modes of thought. The female form tends to be more pleasing to the eyes. And women are more comfortable with themselves. You'll here women compliment each other on their figures, but that's not something that a man does. Over the years this has been the pattern, so women have grown into more sexualized images. Thus it follows that porn would mostly cater to showing off the female form, and in that regard be looked at mostly by men. With men being the larger audience, videos would cater to them, created a cycle and idea in most peoples mind that porn is for men. Women though, also watch. It's sort of like we've conditioned ourselves into this state of mind, that men watch porn and the women disproves.

 

Another issue is how we are raised. If a person is taught to be open about sex, then they will not see porn as a big of a problem. But some people hold sex in a different regard and see the things in porn movie as disturbing. If you believe that sex is something to be shared between two people and is intimate and private, then you will have a hard time with porn.

[spunkykatt]

I dont know how else to present my view, so Im going to say this, I am not being hipocritical of anyone...I myself watch porn, and I enjoy it, so if you are saying because what I wrote is just an opinion of a women who has issues with porn then you made the wrong assumption. My point is that I am a woman who even though watches it herself, I understand where the women who dont or feel negative about it are coming from..and thats all I was wanting to share with you, to take the statement "women make no sense or are hard to understand" and then take what I said as understanding women.

[renaissancewoman101]

CarnelianButterfly, I agree with your stance about when a woman asks if the dress looks good on her or if it makes her look fat, that she really is asking that, not affirmation from her SO. When I ask someone (my ex or my best friend) if something looks good on me, I am usually asking JUST THAT because I dont want to be wearing something thats off in color etc. that makes me look bad, esp if I am out with friends, best friend, etc.

 

As for the porn subject, I find porn kind of demeaning and distasteful, not saying that I would be against anybody watching porn. My ex was an artist who loved to draw half human/half animal skunk figures with large boobs. I should post his website on here and you guys would understand his strangeness. He had an obsession with large boobs and he had pornographic comics depicting half human/half animal people with large boobs. He was so into drawing stuff like that, that after a while, it began to bother me (esp his obsession with large breasts). It made me feel very self-conscious even though he said he liked me the way I was. I think porn can be emotionally destructive to either party in a relationship because it makes people feel like they are inadequate and cannot live up to the fantasies of the person watching the porn.

[spunkykatt]

I have one more thing to say, if as men you say "I dont understand women" or "I dont get where she is coming from" and by some chance a (woman) comes along who can give you answers to those exact questions and you refuse to listen, then who are you to say you cant understand us. If you have the reason why a woman reacts to something in a certain way right there in front of you, in black and white, then chose to dismiss it, well thats your right, but dont expect us to try and explain our though patterns and reasoning to you in the future.

[spunkykatt]

Well put renaissancewoman101, that was one of the points I was trying to explain in my post, and to show how we arrive at those feelings...thats why I posted the scenrio, to put men in the womans shoes...so he could at least start to see where she is coming from.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Viagra doesn't increase the sex drive any, it provides increased blood flow to the genitals. That is what causes men to have an erection. While that can be arousing for some women, many women need more psychological stimulation. Since the FDA hasn't even approved Viagra for use in women and there are few if any studies to support its results I'm still not considering a viable solution.

 

My roommate in college was given Viagra to help with her dimished sex drive because she was on Zoloft for depression.

[theantibarbie23]

I was just presenting you with how we women arrive at our negativity about porn.

 

I think two very large factors for women whom loathe their significant others looking at porn (when it's not being abused or used as a subsititute for sex) is is insecurity and poor body image.

 

It's interesting how so many women say that porn makes them feel like they can't live up to these male fantasies.. that's just it, you aren't supposed to. It's all make believe. The women in porn are faker than Michael Jackson's nose. The men know this. Nothing about porn is real. It's all smoke and mirrors.

 

I applaud you for trying to explain why some women feel the way they do but honestly I am a woman and I still don't understand us half the time.

[LostInMyThoughts]

What if she really wants to know "Should I be seen in this dress or should I go put on the blue one instead?" Besides clothing that isn't fit right for her body may in fact make her look 15lbs bigger, just tell her the cut and shape doesn't accentuate her natural form or that the color isn't the most flattering with her skin tones.

 

Then she should ask that question. Its like a guy asking his girlfriend to make a steak dinner, when he really wants to out to The Outback.

 

So in this hypothetical situation, if a guy said "Yes it does" he would probably be confused why his partner was mad at him for being insensitive. She might typically respond "So you think I look fat?"

 

"Does this dress make me look fat" is a much different question than "Do you like this dress, or the blue dress."

 

Anyway my response is usually "No it doesnt make you look fat. It makes you look like your mother."

[LostInMyThoughts]

In watching porn, it is like a substitue for the real thing. Your needs are being met through that, making the women feel that she is not needed or loved, because if she was then why wouldn't he be with her? Who would choose a movie over a real live person? If he needs sex, why won't he come to her? She wants it just as much generally. So why not turn to her?

 

It's doesn't have to be a subsitute for the real thing.

 

I dont know of any guy who would prefer watching porn to have actual sex with a real life person. But I don't know of any woman who provides their body for sex at any time, and in any way that their partner sees fit.

 

I look at porn as an aid to masturbation. Just like a vibrator to a woman.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I dont know how else to present my view, so Im going to say this, I am not being hipocritical of anyone...I myself watch porn, and I enjoy it, so if you are saying because what I wrote is just an opinion of a women who has issues with porn then you made the wrong assumption. My point is that I am a woman who even though watches it herself, I understand where the women who dont or feel negative about it are coming from..and thats all I was wanting to share with you, to take the statement "women make no sense or are hard to understand" and then take what I said as understanding women.

 

I never disputed why a woman would have problem with porn. I just wanted to respond to the part about the myths and how they were used to prove that the "women's feelings about porn" were invalid. On threads where I've posted, that wasn't the case. It was a way to show another potential view (i guess much like what your op was about).

 

This is just another internets issue that will never have a resolution: Is porn good or bad. Whats better, Apples or PC's. Xbox or Playstation. Windows or Linux.

 

In the end the consensus is, both points are valid. If you have a problem with porn, dont be with someone who watches porn.