Why Cant He Rebuild His Old Relationship & Leave Me Alone?

[Brooding_Goddess]

I do not think of myself as the other woman. I know he was stuck in an old relationship all this time. But we had been discovered, and I was on the phone with the other girlfriend, and admitted we had a relationship. She wanted a 3 person talk but changed her mind and decided she does not want to know or hear anything about us in the future.

 

My boyfriend and I work together. She wants him to sack me immediately when she learnt about us. He refuse and was accused of defending me. In some ways, she knows we are still together and had not cease contact. But she is becoming blue tack, and now he has to go home from work early. He is forbidden from participating in any social events with the slightest possibility of me being around. We used to see each other every weekend and go out on weeknights after work. Now we cant, not anymore, not until she settles down and life "resume to normacy". I dont like any of this!

 

Worse, she behaves like a victim, but one with renewed strength. Boyfriend says he was very surprised to see this new form of strength in her and respect her a lot for it. He said the confrontation brought them closer than before and they now have a renewed bond. However these arent sufficient to further a relationship further. She wanted to split up after she got back from New York but decided not to thereafter. I think she is playing games, making herself seem indispensable. How can a man live like that? I am losing respect for me.

 

I am not proud of this, but I read his emails recently. In his email to her, he says things like "the apartment feels lonely without you", "I am sorry for neglecting you all these years". It is disgusting and I confronted him. He says he is feeling remorseful and flawed. Ah hello?!

 

They still live together, in separate bedrooms after he had prostate surgery. I am the only one who knows about his recovery (ED). She suspected we were having sex and asked him to get a check at the urologist but he said nope, his piping isnt working so he got off. He's supposed to move out and still have not. I know they have serious financial complications and he's waiting for the business to do well before he moves out. But one day, she might suggest sharing a room and bed again? She might even jump on him one day and I wouldnt know!

 

It has now come to time for closure. He can only choose one. But he says he does not want to end our relationship because he still love, care and support me in whatever I do. I am sick now, diagnosed with cancer, need surgery soon. He has made it very plain he cares a lot and will see me through my ordeal and also to come up with some money to pay for it. But how can I accept help from someone whom I am not sure is going to leave me to go back to his old girlfriend? I ask him to be honest and if he wants to reconcile with her, just say so and we'll both move on. But he says their fundamental differences are irreconciliable, and he does not want to rock any domestic boat just yet.

 

I have also given him a 6 month deadline to fix the situation and move out. Friends think I am crazy but its pointless to say fix it tomorrow, next week or next month when you know he cant and is unable to. I will meet him again tomorrow before he flies off to Australia. I am going to ask him if he still wants to be with me, share a life and live the future. Naive as it may sound, it will settle me a little. This 1 week apart is probably good as well though I am very anxious to know who he wants to speak and see first when he come back. He always call me last thing before he leaves and the first thing when he touches down upon return. We'll see if anything's changed this time.

[WildChild]

I know that you feel you have your right to him, but to be angry that she asks him to stop all contact with you is not unreasonable. They are the ones who were supposed to be in a committed relationship. You bascially are doing the same thing: telling him to drop her and be with you. However, he remains with her. Men find women attractive if they have respect for themselves. I find it no surprise that this new change in her has drawn them closer, and I don't think she is playing games. I believe she has found her confidence again and that in itself is attractive. Don't be angry at her, she didn't ask for your two's affair. Be angry with yourselves. Him for leading two women to believe different things and yourself for falling for it.

[LiquidCherry]

I am not sure (if he) is going to leave me to go back to his old girlfriend?

 

I can think of no other way to say this: He is not with you, he is with his girlfriend. And he is not going to leave you to be with her, it is that he hasn't left her to be with you.

 

I am very sorry for the situation both you and the girlfriend are it. It seems you both fell for someone sneaky and dishonest in the way he handles commitment. I wouln't give him the chance to choose and make it very clear to him that he cannot have you, not now and not ever again.

[Bethany]

I agree with Liquid Cherry. Nothing has changed his mind, not even your illness. He is not going to leave this woman for you. You've read his mails to her. Does that sound like a man who is thinking of you?

I also disagree with you when you say that your not the other woman.You have ALWAYS been and will always be 'The other woman'.

 

If you don't get a grip on this and cut your losses, your mental health will be affected and you will be feeling weaker than you have ever been when you NEED to be at your strongest to fight your illness. Things are getting serious. You are ill and you need out of this as soon as you can.

 

I fear that if he does contact you first, you will have hope when in fact he's been feeling guilty and pity. Protect yourself and don't cling to false hope is my advice.

[Mun]

I'm sorry that you are ill now and that this comes at a time when you are still in this situation, but I have to agree with the others. He has not left the other woman, even after she found out about you and probably will not. Don't you want a man who is with you 100% ...especially with what you will go through in this illness? I know it's not easy and you want to believe that he does love you, but honey actions speak louder than words.

 

He cares for her, you saw the emails, what more are you waiting for?

 

The only way I have found that a man will know you mean what you say is when you SHOW him. The other lady has shown him she respects herself by her new found confidence, you should too. Show him you won't allow this to go on another day.

 

I wish you the best out there.

[Brooding_Goddess]

I met him this morning for tea as he wanted to pass me some money for the doctor fees. Did not talk much about the relationship or problems. Focus entirely on health challenges and some work stuff.

 

Then I say why dont we split up since our relationship seems to be fading. He says no, that we have a committed relationship and he cares and loves me and want to help me through my surgery, recovery and medical cost.

 

Regarding the 3-party relationship, he says let us all just settle down now. Soon it will be safe again to ask when he can move out. Meanwhile lets focus on getting me fixed and some work challenges.

 

I have no doubt he loves me but how can he think that this is the best for me? He says he has not chosen her over me, just that he is still recovering from the confrontation and he needs to remove that cling wrap syndrome (from her) as well.

 

Maybe I should just forget it and deal with my life challenges alone. But it is so hard to let go when you have shared everything except the same address in a relationship for 2 years.

[Bethany]

I think the time hs come for him to MAKE that decision. It's either her or you. However hard this may be. beaceause as you are beginning to realise this could continue for a very long time with you needing him and him feeding you BS and making no committment to you.

 

Everyone needs more than what you are recieving, it is not unreasonable after 2 years to expect some one to make a choice. While he continues to do this to you, he has it all and you and his woman have only half a man. That is very selfish and shows that he loves neither of you enough. That to me, would mark the end of this relationship and I would go NC, ignore him until he has made that decision. This man is playing with both your lives. Your life is not a game to be picked up and droppd when HE feels like it. Make him make that choice.

[WildChild]

I agree with Bethany. Although it is difficult to walk away, this may continue on and on if you let him call all the shots. A different approach may be to tell him that for now you two will take a break and once he has gotten rid of his "cling wrap syndrome" then you two can move forward together. You really do need to concentrate on your health and any added pressures is not going to help your healing process. You're not giving him an ultimatum, you are giving yourselves time to get your ducks in a row. I would caution you though, that very seldom do cheaters change their behaviors once they leave their SO for the person they have been seeing outside of their relationships. You may want to keep in mind that just because he leaves her for you does not guarantee that he won't do the same to you.

[77streaks]

hi there, maybe it is difficult for you to walk off and cut off someone who is a source of support for you.

 

I suggest that if you find it hard to cut him off now, you could try cultivating other friendships and spend more time with family and friends and try to distance yourself from him. This will help you to be stronger and to make a break when you are stronger.

 

Cancer is a tough battle. You do need people ard you for moral support. I agree with the rest that his way of dealinng with relationships may cause you turmoil when you least need it. Eventually you may find it best to leave him, if he can't make a clear decision.

 

Right now focus on what's best for you.Spend time with folks who love you and will empower you.

 

May you find the strength within you and may you have lots of support through this difficult journey.

[Mun]

Goddess, why don't you give YOURSELF a timeline and if in 6 months he still has the same excuses you can make a decision then. I kinda feel that it will NEVER be a good time... breaking up is something you do when you know there is no other way. Your man has both of you and you accept it, why should things change?

 

I have a friend who has now been in love with a married man for 8 years. She might get him when his wife dies, but as she is the same age as her and healthy...not likely to happen soon. I would hate to see you wait around for years and still get the same "it's not a good time" excuse.

 

Best of luck hun.

[dizziest]

He is still with her romantically, i would put my house on it.

 

Whatever you do I dont think you'll be happy with the decision, you need to decide which is best.

 

I hope things go well with the Cancer. Try not to depend on him as he could let you down, then you will feel alot worse.

 

If it were me, I would split from him in an instant but I don't have the feelings you have.

 

I hope you get better soon.

[Brooding_Goddess]

Thank you for all the kind replies and advices that have been given to me.

 

It is strange that while he has been away for a week, I have found a sense of inner peace all of a sudden. When I think of the other girlfriend, I am no longer angry. When I think of their upcoming trip together to Phuket to attend a buddy's birthday bash, I feel a little indifferent. Has my wound heal? I dont know and dont think so. But perhaps all this writing and questioning are part of the so call healing process and I am letting it out.

 

Do I miss him? Yes, but not as much as I would usually. Still feel happy when he drops me an sms now and again, or call just to talk to me.

 

He will be back in office tomorrow. We'll see how I deal with it and if I am still feeling aloof.

 

The 6 month deadline still stands though. I am going to believe that he will move out eventually before the date he sets himself. But I shall not think about it everyday and will get on with life and what I need to focus on right now, health wise and thereafter self-improvement. I read someone on this forum, at the end of the 6 month, even if he doesnt move and commit, I gain either way.

[WildChild]

I'm glad to hear you have taken this time to reflect within yourself. I don't know if you are clouding yourself through rose colored glasses believing he will leave before the deadline, but regardless concentrate on yourself and your health.

[Brooding_Goddess]

Thanks wildchild, I am not clouding myself or trying to believe anything. I am trying to concentrate on both my job and health at this point of time. I have grown to accept that couples do coupley things at time, and I will just enjoy every moment while it last. Focus on what he can offer right now and not what I hope he will offer.

 

He's trying to help me through this difficult period, visiting me everyday, taking me to hospital etc. I will start my first chemo session tomorrow.

 

Does he desire to leave the old relationship? I dont know anymore and dont want to think about it too. I am sick and tired. He is turning back to his old self again. Probably the eagle isnt watching as hard lately. But he cant sleep over anymore becos she will know, and he doesnt want to get kick out of the house in a nano second and end up on the street with his stuff overnight.

[Brooding_Goddess]

There is something else bizarre in my opinion. She knows we are still together, work in the same office, and hangs out after work. So why would she still hang around? She knows we still have a relationship but is all the more supporting him (financial crap) but doesnt want to hear or know anything about me because to her, I do not exist. I like to know how and why women feel like when confronted with "my man is cheating on me" but I will forgive and stick around.

[Hope75]

But he cant sleep over anymore becos she will know, and he doesnt want to get kick out of the house in a nano second and end up on the street with his stuff overnight.

 

If he plans to move out in less than six months, than why does he care what she thinks?

 

If their relationship were truly over, do you think he would much care about whether or not she knew if he were spending the night with you? If he were honestly ending things, do you think that he would still send her such heartfelt emails?

 

See, I think that he may be telling her the same thing that he's telling you, he may be telling her that you are sick, and he can't quite leave you in this way when you "need" him more. Do you think that's possible?

 

Of course you want to be able to believe him, but you say this relationship has gone on for 2 years now, and he is still living with her. That's a long time to be trying to break away.... I would be farely certain by now that he had little to no intention of ever moving out.

 

And now on top of this you are dealing with cancer. You need to be able to depend on things right now, and not have to worry about unpredictable relationships like this one. He's not commited to you if he's still living with his other girlfriend and sending her emails like that, and deep down, I think you probably already know that.

 

I'm sorry, you certainly deserve more than you are getting. Please take care of yourself.

[Brooding_Goddess]

If he plans to move out in less than six months, than why does he care what she thinks?

 

She pays the bill in the apartment which is why he cant afford to get kicked out yet. To be fair to him, he is not financially stable yet as the business is taking a toil on him as we can witness at work.

 

But I want to say that I do think he has no balls and sometimes aint a man. That I have put it so plainly to him and he loathes it. If there was ever an easier way to leave a relationship or dump a man, please be sure to tell me first!

 

He has also told me that he does not want to rock any domestic boat at this moment and will remain status quo. That status will change, but not today or tomorrow. Right now I have to accept him as he is, as of the day. I felt like telling him I wont accept that and kick him out of the house but I didnt.

 

I will also not believe that he tells her my condition and she is so kind to live with it. Hey we are talking about the woman who wants him to sack me immediately after she was confronted with another relationship of the man. She has made it so plain that she doesnt want to know or hear anything about me, and that to her, I do not exist at all.

 

To sound like a cracked old record, relationships are so complex just as numerous. Everyone choose to stay in bad or rotten relationship becos of their very own reasons. For me, I am trying to let it out and gain some perspective from others out there. Thank you.

[Hope75]

I am truly sorry that you are ill and having to deal with this.

 

At this point, you know the circumstances, you are willing to accept him as is, despite the other woman, there really isn't anything more I can advise you to do.

 

I feel sorry that you don't feel you deserve more, especially when you are going through this difficult time.

 

Good luck with everything.

[Miss M]

BG, very sorry for all your pain, and your illness. And I know you have enough burdens on you so I'm not writing this to criticize. But I noticed something that seems important to mention.

 

 

I met him this morning for tea as he wanted to pass me some money for the doctor fees.

 

.....

 

He has made it very plain he cares a lot and will see me through my ordeal and also to come up with some money to pay for it.

 

....

 

She... is ... supporting him (financial crap)

 

.....

 

She pays the bill in the apartment which is why he cant afford to get kicked out yet. To be fair to him, he is not financially stable yet

 

The way I see it, SHE is actually the one financing your doctor fees, not him. If he's not self-sufficient, then any money he gives you doesn't really come from him, it comes from her. And really that would be true even if he had plenty his own money. That's because... when two people blend together their lives as a couple, their money is also blended, so no matter, a man who cheats in this way is always spending his SO's (or wife's) money. But in his case, it's just especially obvious.

 

Your situation seems so very complicated, and obviously there are no easy answers. I'm really sorry you feel the need to share a man in this way. I wish all of us could have the perfect companion without having to share or settle for second-best, but it often seems to not work out that way. But I do wish you well, and for your speedy recovery.