When the world turns its back

[Kyle_dude]

I honestly don't know where to start. I would have never thought i'd be going through all of this. Always thoght it's going to be someone, but not me. no way.

Anyhow, i'm depressed. In fact, i think i'm in the last stages of depression. Not that it's going away, but only getting worse. Nothing i ever do is worth anything or has any value. I don't have friends and the ones i had are now long gone since this whole depression thing started. I guess, afterall, i never had any genuine, true friends. And at this point i am incapable of making any.

My personal life is just as miserable as anything else. I stoped dating because all i get out of it is a heartbreak. The woman i loved doesn't care if i live or die. I am told by everyone that i am an attractive guy, but my attitude toward life is so terrible that i have no control over it and thereforeeee it's ruining everything. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have no self-esteem or respect for myself. In my own eyes, i'm a pile of dirt incapable of doing anything but just sit there. Everywhere i go, i feel like everyone is staring at me and i want to leave and go back home.

I rarely laugh and always have a "heavy", emotionless face but try to stay in the "happy mood" around my family. I have absolutely nobody to talk. I once told my mother that i have a depression, but she thought i was joking since she never saw me unhappy and i never proved otherwise.

I'm 21 and most of the people i graduated with are finishing school and getting their degrees. I've been in college for 3 years and it's just not going anywhere. My program gets updated and changed every semester and i cannot get anything done.

I see absolutely no future for myself. I'm afraid of being alone all my life and i'm afraid that's exactly what's going to happen to me. And i am not willing to put up with this any longer. The only way out is to end it. goddamn it, there is a gun right in the table next to me and i have thought about it but when i try to imagine what my parents are going to have to go through...i can't do it. They're the only thing that's stoping me, if not them, i think i'd do it without giving any second thoughts.

if any of you are going through the same thing, how do you cope with it?

[ShySoul]

Hi Kyle,

 

I cope by talking. I also feel like I'm going nowhere and have no one that cares at times. But I've been fortunate to find someone special that I can talk with, who does her best to understand me and help me out. Without her, I hate to think where I would be.

 

If you don't have a person like that, its ok. Post here on this board. There are a lot of good hearted people who will do their best to help you out, myself included. You can talk to me about anything, and I'll do what I can for you, even if its just listening and letting you get these feelings out or sharing my own experiences and empathising with you.

 

I've also tried to talk to my family about how I feel, and they have brushed aside my feelings, ignoring them. It hurts more then words can describe. The first woman that I loved, that I ever opened my heart to, hurt me and treated me poorly. I also feel like I'm walking around with a mask on, can't express how I really feel most of the time. It all hurts. And sometimes, I see no point in anything.

 

But there is a point and there is hope. You can't give up. If you give up, these things win. But if you keep fighting, you can show everyone that you are stronger and better then all the hurt. You will have good things come your way. You just have to believe and have faith. And talk about these things. If your family doesn't believe it, see a counselor. And talk to us, we want you to be ok.

[Relationship Coach]

Kyle,

 

Society often puts pressures on us all that seem unbearable at times. I've been as low as you before and let me tell you all of the reasons to live are in front of you not behind you. What you have been through is unfortunate but not a life ending experience. In today's paper I read about a father who was running late to work backed out of his garage and over his 4 year old son, killing him instantly. Now you think you want to take your life? Let's put things in perspective, do you have problems? Yes but they all have solutions worthy of investing some time and effort in to. Unless your name is Jesus Christ, there is no mother who should out live her son.

 

Friends, there are three things that will make friends disappear faster than a cat next to a vacuum cleaner when it gets turned on and that is asking a friend to help you move, asking a friend to loan you a few hundred and expecting a friend to understand depression. Are there exceptions to this, yes but the exceptions are far from the rule.

 

Women, bad luck there too? Look around, spend a few months digging through the thousands of posts here and you will see that you are not alone by any means. My heart has been broken so many times they invented One-Hour-Photo service for me. If they didn't get my pictures developed in an hour, the pictures would be of my ex's not my GF's!

 

Now some positive points for you to ponder as well. You have entered one of the friendliest places on the planet. You will meet new people everyday if you chose to and swap stories and boo-hoo rags. We all have a reason that has brought us here and at one point or another we felt lower than whale dung. Kyle sit down and hold on as I tell you something really beyond belief, well your belief any ways. You have 100% control over your attitude, no one else but you. Your belief system has taken a long recess and we need to scream "OLLIE OLLIE IN COME FREE" and get it back inside your head where it belongs. You have given us a brief glimpse of what has troubled you but tell us something of value. What do you like to do, what are you passionate at?

 

Let us get to know you and in turn we will show you why you need to stick around. You are not Nostradamus, so I think you need to let the future take care of itself but you have to be present in order to experience it! Now, welcome to ENA, talk to us.

 

RC

[DaMadHatter]

First off i honestly hope this is a joke because it's down right scary that anyone would feel this bad to contemplate using a gun.

 

Look bro, you've hit a rough patch and damnit it sucks believe me i know it all seems pointless and u feel like crap. Welcome to life, i know it sounds harsh but life is full of peaks and valleys and as u get older you'll experience the whole spectrum. These are the things that are going to turn you from a boy into a man.

 

For gods sake man listen to yourself you're 21 and you're worried that you'll end up alone. Snap out of it. Inside that lonely, miserable person lies a strong, healthy, happy man. And yes u may feel alone but you're not so the woman u love doesn't care, well screw her, she doesn't deserve u. You're family doesn't notice how depressed u are, but they'll be there for you in the end.

 

You're going through something very common it's a process and you have to let the process work itself out don't focus on the negatives focus on the positives. Hell if u need to vent come on here were all here to help and listen. We've all been there done that, we can help. Keep your head up things get better, TRUST ME. But don't let your head be filled with ideas of suicide. There is nothing romantic about ending your own life, i doubt you've ever seen someone who had a bullet go through their head before. Believe me it's a horrible way to go and you'll be hurting everyone u love. Stay strong and stay away from guns.

[darkblue]

Snap out of it.

I doubt you would want to hear that, if you were in the poster's state of mind.

 

It can't simply be snapped out of - but gradually overcome.

[becallamjr]

I used to cut into myself on a regular basis to deal with depression. Not healthy. I would do drugs to deal with the manic side, which would make my depression worse. I tried pills and shrinks and talking to other people. I tried to kill myself once, as you can see I was unsuccessful. At that point in my life, if I had a gun I would be dead right now and I wouldn't be able to maybe talk some sense into you. I cannot tell you what goes through your mind, but if you hear voices as I used to, ignore them, they are bad influences. You wanna cope? Go get medical help now!!!! A combo of pills and shrinks. Remember that your parents love you. You need to find something that you believe in, in life and go with it. There is something, you just have to dig deep down. Remember, if you use a gun it's messy and someone has to clean that up. Best of luck to you.

[Bethany]

I think it's time you put that gun away and stopped pretending infront of your family that every thing is ok when it's not. How can they know how you feel when you are pretending that everything is ok?

 

Go back to your Mum and tell her that everything is FAR from ok. Be honest, truthful and tell her that your worried that you may end your life. Don't be afraid to be yourself, you are and will ALWAYS be 'Her little boy' and she will always love you and nothing you can do or say will change that.

 

Many families of 'children' who commit suicide say 'If I had only know I could have helped, if they only told me I would have done everything I could, if I had only been given the chance'. They blame themselves. And that guilt lasts a lifetime. There is also the stigma from other people who will also blame them for not noticing and that also lasts a lifetime. But how can they when you don't tell them... Give your family the chance to help you like you are giving us the chance.

 

I am already very worried about you and I don't even know you, and I know as a mother I don't think I could forgive my son for not being able to tell me that he is afraid andso depressed he wants to end it all because he feels so unloved when he is so NOT alone because 'I' love him and as long as I am his mother, he NEVER WILL BE. I'm sure your mother feels exactly the same as I do. Trust her, she will come through for you... if you only give her the chance.

[ShySoul]

I think it's time you put that gun away and stopped pretending infront of your family that every thing is ok when it's not. How can they know how you feel when you are pretending that everything is ok?

 

Go back to your Mum and tell her that everything is FAR from ok. Be honest, truthful and tell her that your worried that you may end your life. Don't be afraid to be yourself, you are and will ALWAYS be 'Her little boy' and she will always love you and nothing you can do or say will change that.

 

Great advice Bethany. Deep down, your parents do love you and would want to help you through this. But if they aren't good at detecting how you feel, and you cover it up, then they don't know that you need them to be there and help you through. Sit them down and have a real talk, expressing everything you are feeling. It will be hard at first, but things can get easier and I am sure they will want to help you out. They love you, don't forget that.

[Kyle_dude]

I really appreciate everyone's support! You guys are the only people i can talk to about this. I just don't think i'm going to be able to bring it up to my parents because coming from me it would come out as a joke. I never shared anything personal with them, so i don't think i'm going to be able to do it, but i will try. I picked up more hours at work to get myself busy doing something. I thought that maybe that'll somehow ease things up. I appreciate all your comments. I read each one of them several times. I will try to do my best to somehow improve the situation if it's possible.

[ShySoul]

Good to hear from you kyle. It can be hard to open up to others, and hard to tell your parents something as difficult and personal as what you are feeling. But its for the best. You are doing well so far, keep it up. And we are all here for you if you need to talk some more.

[Bethany]

Kyle from your last post, you seem alot brighter already and thats a great improvement on it's own, hold on to that feeling as there is more to come and it will just get bigger and bigger as time goes by. You'll probably go up and down for a while but UP is definitely the right way out. But don't forget that we AND your parents are there for you however good or bad your feeling and you can always talk to us.

 

And I got to say you're doing all the right things by getting this job because as you know days spent busy in company are better than the ones spent alone as it helps your reactions and emotions calm down which can only be a good thing.

 

BTW... I smiled when I read your last post, well done.